Dog von Beerhaze

Had Frodo Baggins ever met Frida Gaggins, the ring would never have ended up in Mount Doom.

You really need to cut back on the Doritos when you start referring to Rosie O’Donnell as “The skinny bitch”.

It’s very gratifying to leave a woman unconscious in bed, and not because she repeatedly hit her head on the headboard.

I like a woman’s handshake to be confident and firm – preferably with my balls cupped in her other hand.

To make it even more exciting, I drink Tequila, THEN I shave my balls with a straight razor… while standing on top of a soccer ball.

My safe word is “Antitransubstantiationalist” but I only use it when dealing with catholic priests.

Nothing is louder than the dog cleaning his balls, when you have a new girlfriend over at your place for the first time.

You know you are getting old when you start finding both puzzles and bowel movement challenging and stimulating.

Age 12, dance with a groping aunt at a wedding… I often wonder if it was my fake moustache or her Tequila drip that made me irresistible.

Hate St. Patrick’s Day in Montreal. After the parade, streets are littered with wheelchairs, prosthetic legs, jig shoes and fake moustaches.