Ask Dog

Do you support Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton? It’s not really important, I’m just curious. I’m pretty sure you don’t think “republican”, right?

I don’t “support” either candidate… I don’t wear red and white-striped pantaloons, campaign buttons or arse-hats featuring any U.S. presidential candidate name. I’m also not American, thus I don’t get to vote (or pick one…).

However, as obvious from the Smacktard currently in Office — whoever sits in the White House can mess with everything on a global scale. So, yes, I quietly cheer on from the sidelines.

Here’s my take on the republican and democratic presidential candidates:

John McCain — He is merely the left butt cheek, sliced from the same elephant derriere from which Bush Jr. was ripped. The only difference between the two is that McCain can pronounce “nuclear” and pick out a few more countries on a world map. Another D+ American president is not what’s needed right now…

Hillary Clinton — Luckily she no longer goes PMS on people… However, I’m quite sure her menopause hot flashes and mood swings are not all that pleasant to be around. My main issue with her is that she had no clue that husband Bill was nailing anything in a skirt — not sure I want to see a hormonal clueless person having access to nukes.

Barack Obama — He inspires people. When he speaks — you can’t help but to listen. Americans need to be inspired, and learn how to listen again. They have been burrying their heads in shame over George W. Bush for 8 years now, and they need someone with a brain to smack them awake. When the U.S. economy stalls — the global economy stalls…

Out of the three, Barack Obama is probably the only one capable of hatching worthwhile ideas and plans, and also sell them. He’s different… and deserves a shot to make a difference.

Unfortunately, the U.S. doesn’t have a great track record keeping their charismatic thinkers alive… I hope that the Secret Service will do their job with Obama.

- Dog

I hate the smell of my girlfriend’s hair. She uses an apple-scented shampoo that literally makes me nauseas!

How do I kindly ask my girlfriend to switch shampoos? I don’t want to insult her… I don’t want to suffer either…

I don’t blame you…

“Spring Apples” is a common general scent used for Lysol bathroom spray, wet naps and dish detergents. Hot? Not very…

You really don’t need to ask her to switch shampoos… Next time you are getting a lap-dance from your favourite stripper — ask her what she uses! Then just go out and buy it and give it to your girlfriend as a surprise “gift”!

I believe you would be stunned if you knew how many girlfriends, fiances and wives smell like ex-girlfriends, strippers and lingerie sales clerks…

- Dog

Pregnant from having sex with a dog? Is it possible or not? 

Oh, *sigh*, no! It’s not possible…

It never occurred to you that there would be some seriously odd looking kids walking the streets of Freakbekistan if this was the case?

I’m not sure what’s more frightening:

a) You not knowing the answer to that question.
b) You having the need to ask the question in the first place.

Seriously consider not abusing your dog and degrading yourself in that manner.

You won’t be doing yourself or your dog any favours — really! It’s not a brilliant idea no matter what you feeble mind is telling you. Entering the realm of Disgustdoom will mess with your head! Your dog will also end up screwed — as in screwed up!

Give your dog a biscuit, pat him on the head and take him for a walk like normal people. Who knows? You might just meet someone (other than David Hasselhoff) that doesn’t eat his dinner off the kitchen floor.

- Dog

Is it possible that I’m pregnant even though I haven’t had sex?

Eh? No!

If you believe more in “semen” than “immaculate virgin conceptions” — no, it’s absolutely not possible!

Please stay away from penises until you have grasped the fundamentals of biology, or at least the reproduction process of mammals.

- Dog

There’s this man that walks the dog the same time as I do. We always say hello and chat about the weather before going our separate ways.

I know he is single, so I don’t understand why we can’t past “hellos” and the “weather” basically? It’s been three years now!

I’m very interested in him, and I’m not half-bad-looking either.

How do I approach this man?

Take your top-off and bring up the benefits of water-based lubricants the next time you bump in to him?

If the former is to too difficult for you — ask him over for a cup of coffee or tea, or whatever your preference “excuse-beverage” may be. Don’t start with the weather…

Perhaps he has ruled you out, as you haven’t insinuated that you could consider getting naked with him, for the last three years…

Then again, maybe he’s shy? Maybe he’s gay? Simply ask him the question, and all will soon be revealed to you…

- Dog

How do I ask my husband if we could have a threesome with one of my co-workers? My husband Steve is a wonderful husband and father, and my co-worker adores him. She has expressed interest in my husband on many occasions.

She is bi-sexual and I define myself as bi-curious, I guess. I have never slept with another woman before, but I have come very close to going all the way a few times…

I just don’t know how to bring it up… Advice?

You don’t know how to ask him?

How about: “Steve, my co-worker and I want to screw your brains out… Interested?”

That should do the trick.

You could also probably simply tell him: “Steve, get naked, a hot friend of mine is coming over in 5 minutes”.

- Dog

I have a new boyfriend who isn’t all that great in bed. I find myself faking orgasms with him (never done this before).

Sex is not really working for me with him and I’m getting tired of faking it.

How do I tell him I have been faking my orgasms?

You don’t have to tell him that you have been lying to him. Why not simply start being a bit more honest from now on? Help him a long a bit… I’m sure he’ll soon learn your likes and dislikes, and will be able to put things together for you.

How is he going to be able to fix things, if I he doesn’t know anything is wrong?

As for him not being “all that great in bed”… Well, it takes two, right? I’m sure he’s a bright shining star who never flickers, on his own.

If you aren’t too shy play Hide The Sausage — you shouldn’t be too shy to talk.

- Dog

I have this guy that I chat with online. We have been messaging, chatting and emailing each other for 2 years and he really is an amazing person. Now he wants us to meet.

I should be very excited but I’m petrified, as I have lied about my age to him. I’m 7 years older than he is his and not 4 years younger…

The pictures I have sent him of myself were in reality, of a family friend. I know it was a stupid thing to do, but when we first started chatting I didn’t think it would ever evolve in to this amazing thing.

What am I supposed to do? I’m afraid I will lose him because of my stupid lies. I care for him a lot.

Do you think he could ever forgive my chat lies?

No, he will probably not be able to forgive you. You are pretty much a complete stranger to him… Everything you have, or think you have, built, are all lies.  You lied about all these monumental things, so it’s not too far fetched to assume you have lied about other things also.

You have to tell him! Then pray that he can forgive you… It takes one heck of a person to forgive something like this though.

In general, please don’t call them “chat lies” — they are “horrible lies”…

- Dog

I recently had sex with a guy from work. Since our weekend, he’s doing everything to avoid me. I told a friend at work that I had sex with him and have a crush on him. She told me that many women have had sex with him.

She also told me he lives with his ex-wife and kids.

It was a shock!

How can I tell if she’s lying to me about him? Isn’t it possible that she also has a crush on him and is trying to split us?

It’s also possible that you are a complete idiot.

Well, he’s avoiding you like the plague, so that’s probably a good indicator that you were nothing more than an easy lay for him.

Resign to the fact that you have been had and move on with you life!

You weren’t “all that”…

- Dog

I love Zac Efron and want to have his babies! How do I meet him? He is sooo cute! He is sooo sexy! I love him!

How do I have sex with Zac Efron?

You don’t love him… You will never have sex with him… It will never happen, sorry!

The closest you will ever get to Zac Efron are the pictures in your room.

You will remain a virgin for quite awhile yet… I bet you don’t even know that guys don’t smell like sticky tack…

Once your hormones settle down — you will realize how silly and immature you are.

- Dog