- Tip! You will have better luck with women if you smell and dress nice, talk like a gentleman and shove your 10 inches down a pant leg.
- While planting bushes, I dug down and thought I hit the Ark of the Covenant. Turns out it was an old wheelbarrow. God disappoints again.
- I’m not sure if it’s the Viagra or not but I think our neighbour’s lawn ornament of Virgin Mary just winked at me.
- That special glow a woman has when she’s pregnant or at the beginning of her period and on the way to visit her mother really is beautiful.
- Wearing her panties is not really a fetish until she finds out, right? Guys?!
2010 – July 28 (Luck with women)
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2010 – July 27 (Electrical dog collar)
- Being a “nice daddy” today and not barking at the kids. Related: Wife put fresh batteries in my electrical dog collar this morningzzzzhs.
- I always wear a hazmat suit when I shoot a clown – that’s how I parole.
- People, today, I met and chatted up a super-hot stripper at Walmart. Sorry, there’s no punch line – I’m still too shocked to write one.
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2010 – July 26 (Nightmare about Czechoslovakia)
- It’s horrible waking up to a nightmare about Czechoslovakia only to remember that it doesn’t legally exist anymore. Amirite? Hello!?
- I rode the short bus tonight! Ok, it was to a volunteer dinner but I have to say, those traffic lights looked so pretty from INSIDE the bus.
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2010 – July 25 (The short bus)
- I rode the short bus tonight! Ok, it was to a volunteer dinner but I have to say, those traffic lights looked so pretty from INSIDE the bus.
- Steve or Emma, sorry for throwing up at the tweetup – your ass crack or lady-box had nothing to do with it. Tequila… #WhenDMsGoWrong
- You write a great tweet but forget the possessive noun – the most important part! Your balls shrink in panic and you need vodka. Yeah, that.
- I started, and was kicked out of, yoga classes on the same day. “You stay on your own damned mat, freak!” is just a money-grab excuse, right?
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2010 – July 24 (Wife’s birth canal)
- Guys, don’t sweat it. You won’t need a ruler after a baby the size of a suitcase has passed through your wife’s birth canal. You are welcome!
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2010 – July 23 (Your areolas sweating)
- “Madame, if I may say, your areolas sweating through that 100% polyester blouse makes my tulip sprout.” Yeah, too old-fashioned, right?
- Coaching my son’s soccer team, I thought moms would be all over me – no! They are always, “The popsicles are for AFTER the game.” Bitches.
- I saw prairie dogs going at it on Animal Planet. First though: Why are they so damned jittery? Two: I wonder how Lindsay Lohan is doing?
- Working from home is not bad but I miss the office romances (or “hiding in the stalls of the women’s washrooms” as HR called it).
- Uterus? Labia? Fallopian Tubes? Perineum? Cliwhatever? Well, yeah, even a new kitchen faucet comes with a five-page manual.
- Have you ever woken up after a night out and noticed you have a spray tan on your ass only? I know… That can’t be good, can it?
- TV PSA: “Do you know where your kids are?” Heck, I have no idea… I’m so drunk I don’t even know whose car I drove home.
- I feel cheated when someone I follow changes their avi from boobs to an eyeball or Brad Pitt’s beard. Sometimes I even lose my erection.
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2010 – July 22 (In your urinal)
- When a dude suddenly throws up in YOUR urinal at the pub – ‘Irish bukkake’. This term was coined 15 minutes ago, after a shoe cleaning.
- Tip! You never want to be “That guy who was arrested for buying Girl Guide cookies while wearing only a half-eaten liquorice thong.”
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2010 – July 21 (On your pants)
- If the stripper leaves anything on your pants after a lap dance, it’s no longer technically a “dance”, okay? Write that down.
- So many stars… It’s like I’m Harry Potter and the wand just exploded in my pants, except that my “wand” is a piece of firewood. Thanks!
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2010 – July 20 (Marriage to dating)
- I prefer marriage to dating, because I no longer have to sit through romantic comedies featuring Hugh Grant before not getting laid.
- Ever since I learned to hum the theme song to The Benny Hill Show, I no longer feel aggressive when I see Sarah Palin. Try it.
- You kids wanted Aunt Jemima pancakes with chocolate chips for dinner? I’m sooo sorry… I thought I heard ‘lobster and scallop crepes’.
- Poker tonight! Which means, the odds of me also getting laid is at par with Kirstie Alley staying at her current dress size – asstronomical.
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2010 – July 19 (Hot and painful)
- The lawn was mowed finally and it was a hot and painful venture. All things considering, I think my wife did an okay job.
- Walked in to Walmart for a garden hose – walked out with toilet paper and fishing lures. Yes, I got distracted by all the skin disorders.
- Luckily, size isn’t everything to all women – being able to make a great, fluffy, omelette is nice too. Related: I suck at all omelettes.
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