Ask Dog

What’s more sexually satisfying: a wife, girlfriend or an ex-girlfriend? I have so many options that I don’t know what to do.

Please help me sort this out!

Go with the one that brings you a piece of chicken and a cold beer afterwards, and then bakes you a banana loaf for breakfast. If none is willing to do it — you might have a few options but they aren’t very good. Blindly pick one.

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- Dog

I’m a blonde and I’m not stupid. How can I get people to forget the stereotypical dumb slutty blonde? I’m tired of being disregarded… I’m tired of being ignored…

What can I do to make it easier for blondes everywhere?

Easy! Go up and plant a “blondes rule!” flag on the surface of the moon (remember to bring oxygen and a spare edible thong).

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- Dog

Why do women go to the bathroom together? Come on! It’s the bathroom — privacy is a nice thing, no?

When do you ever see guys walking hand-in-hand to the bathroom (in a non-gay bar)? I don’t think my girlfriend has ever gone to the bathroom by herself!

I guess you have never watched The L Word on Showtime when your girlfriend was out of the house? One of many beautiful things I have learned thanks to the show: hot big breasted women often go at it like chipmunks in bathroom stalls!

Not so hot women help each other adjust complicated dresses, hairs and make-up.

Sick and obsessive women compare stool samples.

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- Dog

Is it a turn off for men if women are the aggressive ones in bed?

I always find myself the one pushing for sex (and during sex…) I’m not sure if my current boyfriend is appreciative of my forthrightness?

I think your boyfriend is out of his mind if he doesn’t appreciate your forward approach to sex. This makes it so much easier for him: less dinners and drinks to buy, less expensive gifts to spend money on and most importantly: there are no roofies needed!

Unless of course you by “aggressive” mean that you bludgeon him with a hammer whenever you have an orgasm? Very few men enjoy getting the hammer treatment…

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- Dog

My girlfriend is 19 and her pussy is extremely hairy. I don’t even know how to explain — it’s like she has a roadkill between her legs? Her bush is massive!

I know there are some dudes out there that are in to furry girls but that’s not me. I really don’t get it? I don’t think she has ever trimmed her “bikini line” (it’s literally half way down her thighs). Worst part? She’s a very attractive girl in general! WTF?

I’m in serious trouble if all Italian girl are like this, as I need to marry an Italian one day or my family will disown me.

How does one ask a girlfriend to shave her hairy pussy? I’m not stupid… I realize that buying her a razor and shaving cream will devestate her.

So the only option to my girlfriend’s unsightly hair is what?

Well if she’s easily confused with a lower primate and wants to get laid — she has to help herself! Come on! You guys share bodily fluids but you can’t talk about some hair?

Try to have a sense a humour. Lighten up! Learn to talk! If you can’t figure out insignificant shit as an extensive bush, how the hell do you think you can figure out things that have real significance?

Ok, as not to get too deep here… If she’s just a T.Y.O.G = Tidy You Over Girlfriend until you find something more rewarding and permanent, you could also:

1. Get her really, really, really drunk and play New Zealand sheep farmers in bed.
2. Cough up a fur ball when you have a lot of people over at your place.
3. While seemingly drunk out of your mind — hump that shag carpet you have in the living room while screaming her name in ecstasy.

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- Dog

Is it important to women how men smell?

I try using bodysprays but I can’t afford the good stuff.

Well, you won’t get very far with women if you smell like week-old diapers and rotting lobster carcasses.

So… Yes, it’s important! However, it’s impossible to know what smell will get each and individual woman revving. You have to experiment!

From personal experience — a mix of lavender, blood from a newly slaughtered lamb and black liquorice attracts bull dykes. So I would skip that combination right off the bat.

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- Dog

How do I give my girlfriend an orgasm? I can’t get her there even when she is directing me, and letting me know if I’m hitting her spot or not.

Can you help?

Me helping your girlfriend to an orgasm would require a hands on approach, which of course can’t be done over the Web. Also, I’m pretty sure that your girlfriend knows more than I do about what’s required to get her off (unless she’s as clueless as you are)…

I think the core of the problem here is that you are completely and utterly useless. Perhaps you should buy yourself a sex education book as you don’t even know if you are “hitting her spot” or not? Your girlfriend having to play “Hot And Cold” with you every time you hit the sack, is I’m sure pretty frustrating and annoying.

You not being able to give your girlfriend orgams tellls me that you don’t follow through on anything in life… You have no persistence or focus…

The solution for you is educate yourself or to find yourself an easier girlfriend.

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- Dog

My girlfriend of two years suggested that we start seeing other people. She still wants to see me too…

Does this mean she will sleep around?

This means that she’s finished with you… She broke up with you! You really can’t see that? She probably already has some new guy in mind, but if it doesn’t work out with him, she might come crawling back as she left the door slightly ajar.

She has given you the freedom to swing your stump of broccoli with anyone you want — I suggest you do it. Waiting for her is a waste of time.

If she comes crawling back — she will do so even if every girl on the planet has nibbled on your stump. Go for it! You have nothing to lose!

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 - Dog

Why do Scandinavian people wear helmets with horns on them? I know that they are pretending to be Vikings, but why?

What does fairytale creatures have to do with sporting events?

They are called Viking helmets — a stereotypical depiction of what helmets of the Viking era looked like. They wear them because it’s a fun thing to do. It’s the same thing as when Afghani sports fans wear freshly skinned dog carcasses on their heads… The headwear is worn in good fun!

You are not the hottest sheep in the herd, are you? Vikings were not fairytale creatures…

The term “Vikings” is normally used to identify people who lived in Scandinavia in medieval times. They were most famous for raiding, pillaging and raping their way through the world.

The were also great traders (I assume carrying a big axe or a broad sword helped when bargaining).

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- Dog

Why are people against weed? My friends and my girlfriend are always on my case when I smoke up…

I enjoy getting high — plain and simple!

Is there anything I can say to make them stop bugging me?

No, there is nothing you can say… Actually, the best thing for you is probably to keep your mouth shut! Your friends and girlfriend aren’t necessarily against weed — I think they could be against you.

Many people act like complete retards, and make no fucking sense, when they are stoned. Perhaps you are one of those really annoying stoners?

Keeping your mouth shut when stoned might make the people around you less defensive.

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- Dog