Ask Dog

My sister is a lesbian and has sex with her girlfriend in the room next to mine. Well, the walls are not all that great and you can pretty much hear everything going on. Normally when this happens I just put on the stereo or kill some terrorists playing Counter-Strike (with my headphones on).

However, the other night I had a buddy staying over, and he… well… didn’t want to have the stereo on, if you catch my drift? I told him to lighten up, and that it was my sister… He didn’t care and told some blokes in school, and now everyone wants to come over to my place.

What do I do about my sister’s sex?

Yes, I do realize that it all might be pretty cool for the average male teen… But when a sibling is involved — not so much… really!

Talk to your sister about the noise level… Do whatever it takes not to be traumatized… Don’t turn it in to a show!

Privacy is a beautiful thing, as is five headshots playing one round of “Office”. Please do try working on those terrorists if your sister doesn’t listen!

- Dog

Is it possible for a guy to suck himself off?

I guess it’s possible if you work for Cirque du Soleil or if you are hung like a donkey. I guess it could also be possible if you have ever been in a horrific traffic accident or if mauled by a Grizzly bear.

As when scratching your back — it’s always better and more rewarding when someone gives you a hand. This way you also don’t risk pulling a muscle or dislocating a joint.

- Dog

My wife of more than 20 years denies me sex even though she’s up at 3am every night masturbating. She takes great pleasure in telling me about it and putting me down.

She blames me even though it’s her fault that we never have sex any more.

How can I make my wife stop masturbating and have sex instead?

Well, as you know that she is up, ready and willing, at 3am every night — set an alarm clock… When it’s raining — use your umbrella! Simple.

As for your wife nagging on you…. It’s perfectly normal and expected! I would have imagined that after 20 years of marriage you would have realized that nagging is part of the job description for all wives. The only way to stop her nagging is to replace her with a 18-year-old big breasted nymphomaniac who worships your meat.

- Dog

Is Tinky Winky the Teletubby really gay? I know that it was a big deal a couple of years ago, but I don’t remember what the conclusion was. I need to write a paper on it for my social studies but I can’t find anything conclusive.

Can you help me please?

It was only a big deal for right-wing Christian preachers because they felt guilty about their own sexuality. Which is why they projected their images on to the purple Teletubby before trying to kick it (themselves) between the legs.

No, Tinky Winky is not gay… He is merely a colourful asexual fairy creature that owns a red manbag.

At no time has Tinky Winky ever placed his penis inside another Teletubby or right-wing Christian preacher. At no time has another Teletubby or a right-wing Christian preacher ever placed his penis inside Tinky Winky. In fact, Teletubbies don’t have sex organs or rectums.

It’s not all that well-known, but Teletubbies simply reproduce by thinking happy thoughts.

Winnie the Pooh’s friend Piglet on the other hand is flaming… and has been arrested many times for molesting Heffalumps in the Hundred Acre Woods. Why don’t you write about his perverted sexscapades instead?

- Dog

My husband wants me to suck on my own nipples, but I can’t as my breasts are too small. What can I do or say to make him happy? He’s really fixated on this…

How do I make my husband happy?

If you can’t do it — you can’t do it… I guess he just has to be miserable because of this great tragedy.

How about if you ask him to wait and to be patient — until you turn 75?

- Dog

I’m afraid of bees! I have never been stung, but I’m still afraid of them!

I’m too embarrassed to see a shrink. What can I do about my bee phobia?

I’m afraid of bees too! Sometimes I mistake flies, butterflies and birds for bees… In the summer months bees pretty much give me all the exercise I need.

The key to coping with any phobia is to be constantly drunk… I know, I know, it sounds like an expensive proposition, but trust me — it’s cheaper than shrink bills and antidepressants.

Just chug a six-pack of Colt 45 before you get out of bed in the morning and top it off during the day. If you drink your face off — you won’t care about bees… Your only concerns will be to stay upright and not to throw up on the family dog.

Good luck to you also!

- Dog

What’s the difference between online dating and offline dating? I find that fat chicks are easy everywhere!

I have never heard of the term “offline” dating… Is this what it’s called now when you try to hook up in bars with vomit on your shoes?

As for fat chicks being “easy”… I guess it all depends on how much you bench-press, no?

- Dog

I’m afraid of ghosts! Often when I’m downstairs alone, I feel like somebody is watching me… She (I think it’s a she) also seems angry, as she wants to hurt me!

My girlfriend is a very spiritual person and has tried to channel the spirit but hasn’t had any luck.

Is there anyway a person can protect himself from ghosts?

The bad news? There’s no protection… The good news? There are no such things as ghosts… You can’t protect yourself from unicorns, leprechauns and fairies either — because they only exist in the minds of drunk and schizophrenic Irish people.

I think you a merely nervous that your girlfriend will walk in on you while surfing for porn. The best thing to do when you feel like the “spiritual world” is after you? Grow yourself a set of balls!

- Dog

I want my girlfriend to pee on me but I don’t know how to ask her? She is very white collar and I’m as blue as can be… Not sure how to put it, without it sounding weird?

How do I ask my girlfriend for pee sex?

No matter what words are used… Your girlfriend needs to be as open as an elephant mommy that just gave birth to a huge elephant baby! White or Blue Collar (or Yellow for that matter) — it takes a very open woman to call it a “sex act”… You do realize that, right?

As a general rule: anything the bum living in the bus shelter down the street will do to you if you pass out drunk there is not normally called a sex act.

A bum peeing on you — is a bum peeing on you… You don’t really need a girlfriend if pee gets you off… Simply pretend to fall asleep in bus shelters!

As for asking her? How about, “Honey, would you mind very much drinking a gallon of Schweppes Club Soda and squatting over me? Pretty please? Pretty pees? Hey, it’s my birthday!”

- Dog

The other night when I was having sex with my girlfriend, her dog got up in our bed and licked my asshole. At first I was really grossed out, and I even freaked out a bit, but after a while it was pretty nice — hot even!

Her dog is now dead and she is really depressed about it, and I really want to get her a puppy but I’m not sure what breed to get…

Which dog breed is best when it comes to sex?

A lot of single women love Boxers! Perhaps it’s all a coincidence that they have huge tongues that are strong, long and wide enough to lick the paint off Ferraris? I really don’t know…

I’m not sure what to say here… The puppy should be for her… and if you caused the death of the dog — have yourself checked out!

As for any given dog and human sex… I hope that you are asking which breed will stay away? If it’s anyting else… Please!

Any dog can be trained to stay away from anything — because it’s a dog!

- Dog