Ask Dog

My son who is 17 has sex with an old stuffed animal Elmo doll. I find his behaviour rather disturbing as his Elmo is all crusty and missing an arm!

I’m not sure how to deal with this situation? Is it normal to have sex with stuffed animals? Should I worry?

I wouldn’t call it “having sex”… It’s not like your son is in a romantic relationship with his childhood monster. Your son whacks off using an Elmo doll… That’s it…

I can’t see why you would need to concern yourself, unless he also talks to his Elmo doll and gets relief by tearing limbs off the thing while plowing it. Many would say that Elmo is a whining bitch that deserves everything your son is sending his way.

The fact that you know that his Elmo doll is crusty, clearly shows that you already know more than you should… For your own safety — don’t go near the thing!

Is it “normal”? No… Should you worry? No… One whacks as one whacks…

Remember the “Tickle Me Elmo” dolls? They were almost named “Tickle Me With Elmo” for a reason…

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- Dog

Does it make me evil if I happened to accidentally kill my girlfriend’s dog when she was out cheating on me with another guy?

Will I now go to hell because of the killing? Even though it was an accident?

You are not evil — you are sad and pathetic, and perhaps even a psychopath. You never kill a dog unless you intend to eat it. It’s a waste!

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- Dog

Can I tie weights to my penis?

Sure you can! You can even tie your penis to a garbage truck, but why would you want to do that? Whether it’s a fetish for you or if you intend to do it in an attempt to make it bigger — too much weight will damage the little fella’… It’s the only one you have, so you got to take care of it!

If you intend to do it for penis enlargement reasons — don’t! All you will end up with is a ragged malfunctioning little penis. The only way to make a penis larger is to have you girlfriend pull on it or to have penis enlargement surgery.

Also, don’t try to perform your own surgery… Scalpels and penis cutting is best left for people in the medical profession.

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- Dog

There’s this guy that I have a crush on but I’m not sure if he likes me back. It’s very difficult to “read” him. He rarely gives a reaction to anything I do!

How do I tell if he’s interested in me?

Suggest a threesome with one of your slutty girlfriends and see if he pays more attention to you, than her. To really see a guy’s true character, you have to give him options…

If nothing else — I’m sure you’ll get a reaction out of him.

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- Dog

I’m 17 and dating a 19-year-old. Despite being younger, I’m clearly more sexually experienced than he is. If he brings it up, should I admit to having had at least 50-70 sex partners or just lie to him?

I admit to being a slut or I lie to him — neither seem like very good options? What do I do? Should I admit to being a slut or just lie?

You lie! You lie your ass off… He will look at you very differently if he ever finds out that you have done enough guys to start a couple of hockey teams.

Sluttiness of your magnitude is not very attractive — it’s actually quite frightening!

No matter how carefully you play “Hide The Sausage”, the more sausages that are used, the greater the likelihood that you stumble upon a rotten one… I really hope you have had full blood work done, as well as had your box swabbed for every nasty STD there is.

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- Dog

How do you eat haggis? Are you supposed to open it up before eating it or just chew it all back? I’m dating this hot Scottish girl and I don’t want to mess it up. Thanks.

Help please?

Why not ask her how she would like to be eaten?

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- Dog

I dated my last boyfriend over the summer before he broke up with me, saying things like “it would never work”, “we were getting nowhere” and that “I’m too immature”.

I’m 13 but I’m not any more immature than he is (16). A three year age difference is nothing!

How do I get my boyfriend back?

You don’t get him back… He has probably discovered 18-year-old girls by now. In comparison to any given 18-year-old, you are as exciting as a wind chime on a calm day.

Three years difference at that your age is huge… It’s as ridiculous as you dating a 10-year-old. Resign to the fact that you are a snot-nosed kid and that you should play with children your own age. He doesn’t want to be seen anywhere around you because he is embarrassed! You were nothing more than easy and relaxing batting practice for him.

When he said, “We were getting nowhere”… I hope meant, “That he got nowhere”… If he got anywhere — talk to your parents! There are laws that protect kids from being taken advantage of in most (all) countries.

You shouldn’t be playing with 16-year-old boys when you still have My Little Pony toys under the bed. Don’t rush in trying to make an ass out of yourself! You will have ample time doing that when you are older.

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- Dog

My wife says she’s always walking on eggshells around me. What does she mean by this? I hate eggs and I would never eat them, and therefore never get any shells on the floor.

Why is my wife talking nonsense again?

They are magical and invisible eggshells! When they make the slightest noise, they set your retarded mind in motion. Making you act your worst around your wife, which I guess is pretty bad…

You need to learn to relax a bit or you will soon have an ex-wife — who has half your stuff.

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- Dog

When trimming dick hair, is it better to leave some than to go completely bald?

What do women prefer when it comes to a man’s pubes?

I’m sure each and every woman has her own preference. However, I’m quite positive that nobody wants to see your pubes shaved in to the shape of smiley face, carrot or teletubby.

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- Dog

I’m afraid that my penis is too big! I’m the biggest one in any given locker room. Other guys have hotdogs in comparison!

Will my big penis be a problem with girls?

It is said that the erection is the big equalizer… So, I’m not sure what kind of locker rooms you hang out in, and what you guys do in there?

Yes, it could be a bit of a problem if you are equipped with a bowling pin… You have to learn how to use it so you don’t put females in the hospital. The good news? We invented dating so we can look for a match. Guess what? Women come in different sizes too…

Dating is all a matching game!

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- Dog