Ask Dog

I’m a 13-year-old girl and I’m wondering if I’m ready for sex?

No. You should be getting ready for school.

Listen, kid… Your mom and dad have socks and underwear in their drawers that are more than 13 years old. There are crap in boxes in the basement that haven’t been opened for 13 years. You grandad had a skin tag on his arse for 13 years before he had it removed.

13 is not even an age, it’s a slight passing of time. Besides: sex is sweaty, sticky and smelly, and you wouldn’t like it anyway. You could also end up pregnant and being made to push out a baby the size as a small suitcase — I don’t think you would enjoy that either.

Instead of emailing strangers: talk to your mom! If you can’t talk to your mom about it: you are probably not even mature enough to be trusted with your own personal hygiene yet.

 - Dog

I’m sick of dating! I’m sick of selfish guys that are after sex! I’m sick of being sick!

Are there any good guys out there at all?

No, not that many if you are looking for a guy who would rather clean the kitchen table than throw you down naked on it.

All guys are after sex, it’s just that some are sneakier about it than others. The sneaky ones are the ones that walk up to you on the street and compliment your hair — and next thing you know you are down at the pharmacy buying “The Stupid Me” morning-after pill.

If you are looking for someone to play Monopoly with, to go line dancing or to discuss world affairs — volunteer at the old folks home.

The key to getting what you want is to learn to mislead and trick guys in to being gentlemen. Dangle the prize, and when they are going for it — reel it in a bit. Give a taster… Ask for what you want… In olden times that would be called “being a tease” but if done right, you are simply being sneaky.

You have to give a little to get a little… If you give it all right away — guys will just take it.

- Dog

Is it possible to have sex with a dog? I have heard about it but I have never seen it.

Just curious?

It’s possible to have sex with anything, be it a vegetable, animal or mineral, but for most of it you will have to be a sick, debraved pervert to find any enjoyment in it. That goes for the “seeing” part of your question also. There simply are certain things sane people don’t want to see or experience.

Instead of abusing domesticated animals or wildlife — find youself a human partner, as it will be much more rewarding.

We didn’t come up with animal shelters and kennels so people could find sex partners — that’s what dating is for.

- Dog

I happened to stumble upon a condom when looking for a particular bill in my son’s wallet. The shocking part is that he is only 14! I never though he was having sex, as he hasn’t even had a serious girlfriend yet. My husband laughed it off and told me to relax. That’s all he told me: “relax!”

I can’t relax… I need answers!

Does the condom in his wallet mean that he is having sex?

No, it doesn’t mean that he is having sex. Having a condom on his penis, which are both inside a girl, means that he is having sex…

Your husband really didn’t educate you? The condom in the wallet is a guy thing…

The order of things that goes in to a guys first wallet:

1. Buddy pictures.
2. Random notes of very litte importance.
3. Condom handed out in sex ed class.
4. Check from grandma.
5. Money.

Don’t worry… that comdom will probably sit and dry up in his wallet for many years yet. He is having sex when there are 5 fresh condoms in his wallet and a box of hundred in his bedside table.

Relax!

- Dog

I have a new girlfried, she is 23 and I’m 25. We have been going out for about a month, I guess. I talk to her all the time: at work, on the way home from work, on the phone and in emails etc. She’s talking less and less to me and often she just sighs.

Is it me?

Yes, it’s you! How about you shut up once in a while? Give the girl a freaking break! She is probably completely fed up with you by the time you read this. She will soon be your ex-girlfriend, if she isn’t one already…

 Don’t crowd people — it’s just needy, insecure and annoying!

- Dog

What is a neutron?

A neutron is one of the particles that makes up an atom. It has no electrical charge.

The neutron should not be confused with the moron, which is a person with internet access who can’t look up even the simplest thing for their homework or project using Google.

- Dog

There’s a girl that looks at me a lot at work and I wonder if she likes me? I like her a little bit as a co-worker and acquaintance, but I’m not sure if I like her enough for a girlfriend.

She could be quite nice if she didn’t have horrible acne all over her face (and probably the rest of her body too). Maybe I should suggest she gets some help for her skin?

Not sure I’m ok with acne on a girlfriend?

People overcome all kinds of “handicaps”… What if she is smart, funny, her dad owns his own brewery, she can do the split and she make a bingo cage move by simply sucking on it? Do those points help you overcome her acne issue?

However, your relationship is doomed if you approach her with, “I got you this acne treatment — I’ll check up on you in a month!”

As for you, unfortunately there are no simple treatments for assholes.

- Dog

Why are guys so incredible shallow and stupid? I just can’t figure it out!

Guys are not shallow and stupid… The problem is that you are naive, misguided and immature!

Here’s a tidbit for you: there’s nothing to figure out about guys; all guys are basically the same. Some of them simply act differently because they have a wife or girlfriend who is giving them something they want (at the moment).

Any given guy summed up in ten points:

1. Feelings are nothing — logic is everything…
2. There is no fuchsia — all girlie looking colours are pink…
3. Don’t ask a guy about your outfit — he can only picture you naked and down on all fours anyway…
4. Guys are always willing to have sex — if you are not there when the urge hits; it will be done without you…
5. Don’t whine to him about your mother — he thinks she’s a bitch too, even though he might not say it openly… 
6. A stripper is not a stripper — she is potentially a slutty girlfriend with beer money in her thong…
7. Grease, sweat and cheap aftershave is for you — the good stuff is used where it might matter…
8. Guys don’t really mean it when they say, “I love you” — in man speech it mean, ”I’m horny!” or “thanks!”
9. Signs and other written instructions will be ignored — unless it includes the word ”girls” in blinking neon…
10. Meat, meat and meat — meat, cold or warm, is food. Asparagus and other vegetables make his urine smell funny, which is big minus when he pees on his shoes…

- Dog

My wife recently revealed to me that she has had an account with Lavalife (some online matchmaking service) for the past year and a half. She also revealed that she has been on dates with over 50 men and has slept with more than 20 of them! Supposedly mostly protected sex… Mostly!

I have been married to my wife for over 20 years and never in a million years could I have imagined anything like this. I am freaking out to say the least, and on more than one level. God only knows what she has dragged home with her!

Needless to say, I have been sleeping in the basement for the last couple of days.

I’m not sure where to go from here… Can infidelity on this level ever be forgiven?

Now you know why Lavalife and other online dating services are making a killing, and why women such as your wife need meaningful, or at least time consuming, hobbies.

I don’t think there is even a point in thinking about “forgiving”. She is clearly not right in the head and would therefore not even understand or care about the concept. She’s severely messed up and needs counselling.

I can’t tell you what to do… More than having yourself tested, and re-tested, before your knob falls off — or worse!

One thing though: why are you the one sleeping in the basement? She should be sleeping on a plastic tarp somewhere where she can’t taint anything.

Sorry.

- Dog

What do I get my boyfriend for a one year anniversary present? I know he has already gotten me a necklace and a pair of earrings, but I have no idea what to get him.

It needs to be something special and not a practical thing, if that makes any sense?

Do you have any ideas?

Boyfriends are easy… To really impress him and for you to become “grade A marriage material” at the same time:

1. Cook him nice steak.
2. Pour him a Single Malt Whisky.
3. Light his Cuban cigar.
4. Fluff him up while he watches the sports news.
5. Take him to bed.

And most importantly: do it all while only wearing your new necklace and earrings.

That’s my suggestion and I challenge you to find me one man that says he wouldn’t fall asleep with a smile on his face.

- Dog