Ask Dog

I have been married to my husband for five years, and we dated for three years before getting married. I guess it started right after our honeymoon really: he got lazy! He does nothing around the house — absolutely nothing! I’m home all day working my butt off for him.

He has never cooked a meal or even once shopped for groceries. He doesn’t clean or even pick up after himself. He has never done a load of laundry. In fact, I don’t think he even knows that we have a washing machine. That’s how bad it is!

When not working he plays pool or cards at his friends house, and when he is home he watches TV.

I’m tired of being his maid, mother, nanny and sex toy, all wrapped up in to one. Thank God we decided to wait with children!

Am I wrong in considering a divorce?

You nag when he gets home from work and you get those untimely headaches you didn’t used to have before getting married… It all equals out…

Welcome to married life!

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- Dog

My (married with kids) science teacher is really hot, and he gives me a lot of attention in class. He treats me very differently than the other girls: he smiles a lot and speaks softly. He also always carefully chooses his words when addressing me.

Do you think he acts this way because he fancies me?

No, he acts that way because you are slow in the head, and need encouragement and time to digest what is said to you.

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- Dog

I have a new boyfriend since about a month and I now have my period, and I don’t know how to talk to him about it. I find it embarrassing!

Do guys really like to hear about their girlfriend’s female things?

No, please, spare him the details… You can have a chuckle about your discharges after your one year anniversary, but right now, the only thing he needs to hear is: “Good news! I’m not pregnant because I just got my period!”

Seriously, unless he has lived in a cave, he should know that females have that special time every month or so, where he needs to behave, and be understanding. If he can’t deal with… He can always see his old friend “Mr. Hand”.

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- Dog

My boyfriend admitted to me that he had sex with his ex-girlfriend, but he says that he only did it because he was high.

Is screwing around when you are high a valid reason?

Any reason to have sex, is a valid reason. However, being high is not an excuse to cheat on someone. Nobody gets naked and puts their penis inside another person by accident… Sorry, it just doesn’t happen.

I assume you are trying to ask if he knew what he was doing? Then, yes, he knew exactly what he was doing… He just didn’t care at the time!

If a guy is so out of his mind that he has no idea what he is doing, his penis will not comply — nor will his bowels. In other words: had your boyfriend been as out of his mind as he claims, he would have shit himself — not had sex.

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- Dog

Why do gay male couple have anal sex?

Gay couples have anal sex for the same reason why some heterosexual couples do — it’s an option.

The fact that the male gender it not equipped with a vagina, is probably a contributing factor to anal sex being a more common occurrence when two males get frisky… There really aren’t all that many options on the human physiology.

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 - Dog

My boyfriend recently got himself a new car and now he spends more time with it than me! I find myself hating his stupid car more and more every day.

Is is possible to love a car more than your girlfriend?

Yes, it’s even possible to love a great piece of chicken more than your girlfriend.

Instead of going around hating an inanimate object: lay down the law! Step up and be that evil, angry and demanding witch that all women are capable of being. Doing nothing is just pathetic. Trust me, he would rather see evil than pathetic for the make-up sex.

Another option is to body-paint yourself Ferrari red and the back your ass in to the garage to make him question what is more rewarding: the car or you.

Get ready to pack up your toothbrush and spermicide though, because from the sound of it… he has bought himself a beauty!

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- Dog

My husband farts a lot, and everywhere! It’s embarrassing when he farts in public and makes a big deal about it. He brags… Sometimes he even brags to strangers!

I know other men fart too… but bragging about it?

What is about men and farts anyway?

Farts are in the male genes, or male jeans, if you want to look at it that way…

Men enjoy their farts because they come from deep within. Farts is a way for men to truly express themselves. It’s a way for men to bare their souls. Farts can express emotions such as joy, anger and even surprise!

Each fart is a mystery as you will never really know what it well smell like. Two farts minutes apart can smell like rotten cabbage and rotten cabbage with a hint of lavender blooms.

The sound of a fart can be that of a hissing cockroach or that of a purring or revving V8 engine.

The fart can be short as a fire cracker exploding or as long as a 1980’s heavy metal drum solo.

Farts are variety!

Men with perfect sphincter control can fart any note on the musical scale, and also hold the note for many a second. It’s also a treat for many men to fart in a locale with good acoustics, such as a public bathroom, cave or a church. It’s just the way men ar — even when farting we want to sound our best.

Farts are fun! Farts are also free!

Why not share your farts and spread some joy?

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- Dog

I share a flat with my girlfriend and a buddy of mine. The other night when I got home late from work, I got this sneaking suspicion that the two of them have had sex. I don’t know what made me think that way…

He is a good-looking, smooth-talking guy with a huge penis — I would never be able to compete with him. I can’t accuse them of anything, as I don’t have any proof, but I need to know! It’s driving me crazy!

Can you tell if your girlfriend has had sex recently?

Yes, you can!

The telltale signs will vary depending on how long ago it happened:

1-5 minutes — she will be sweaty, smelly and panting like a dog. She might also be naked and handcuffed to the bed.

5-30 minutes — she will be flushed, in an slight disarray and in an exceptionally good mood (especially if it lasted for more than 5 minutes). She might also be eating a baloney sandwich and drinking a root beer.

30-60 minutes — she will be mellow and not nag about anything — not even when you use her fancy facial creams on your feet. She will probably also be whistling while writing herself a to-do list for the next day.

You also have a bonus tell, as your buddy is well-endowed: she will walk like John Wayne in a Western.

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- Dog

How do you compliment a guy? I think “gorgeous” sounds ok as a general overall expression, but what about the rest of him? The little things and details I mean?

I know it’s probably a stupid question, but I really can’t think of anything that doesn’t sound silly.

The problem is that you are looking for single words to compliment him. Guys use “cute”, “pretty” and “beautiful” as that’s all they can come up with (and they are the top three ones on the list he keeps in his wallet). A woman doing it won’t work… In fact, it’s rather lame. He will probably not even care, or perhaps not even hear it.

You have to think bigger, and more — be grandiose! Also, don’t waste your time on his eyes or what have you, as he won’t get it. Come on! Even dogs, cats and goats have nice eyes, personalities and sense of rhythm.

To make him happy and swell with pride: focus your compliments on his manhood! Here are a few ideas to get you going:

1. Your penis is as hard and smooth as the one on the Statue of David — only bigger and more erect!
2. It’s like there is a lunar eclipse every time you drop your pants, and your penis the Earth I live on!
3. I have never seen anything like your penis, except in bowling alleys and attached to the turrets of battle tanks.

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- Dog

My girlfriend is nice enough I guess but she sucks in bed! When I say “sucks” I of course mean that she is lousy in bed. In general, she sucks nothing, not even spaghetti!

She is weak, floppy and shows no interest what so ever!

How do I get to do whatever I want with her in bed?

To do whatever you want? You are talking about a living and breathing girlfriend, and not a plastic blow-up one, right? If she’s made out of plastic, simply let out some air so that you may bend her in to a more comfortable position…

Seriously, it has never occurred to you that perhaps you are the problem? Yes, really, it takes two to put claw marks on your bed’s head board. Perhaps your imagination is as weak as you penis and you simply can’t get your girlfriend to fire on all cylinders?

Unless she is made out of plastic — try talking to her to find out what’s going on. Verbal communication has been used successfully by billions of people through time to solve problems. Try it!

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- Dog