Ask Dog

My twin sister and I have always been very close. Best friends really. But since my boyfriend entered by life two months ago, she has been very mean to me.

She it always making smart remarks about him as a person: the way he dresses, talks, his job, car — everything!

I was nothing but supportive of her when she was in a relationship a couple of years ago, so why can’t she do the same for me?

Do you think my twin sister is jealous of my boyfriend?

Yes, she is jealous and probably also sexually frustrated. Why not get her laid? Put your two twin heads together and get her pummelled! How difficult could that possibly be?

Seriously, any given bar or nightclub will have hundreds of men that are willing to do half-a twin sister pair (with the false hope of getting both of you eventually).

Twin sisters working together would be as quick and painless as two lionesses hunting in a Shih Tzu Kennel.

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- Dog

I have been together with my boyfriend for three years. Everyone thinks he’s a great guy, myself included. One problem though — I can’t stay faithful to him.

I have cheated on him more times than I can remember, and always when I get drunk on a girl’s night out, which we have every two weeks.

He doesn’t know anything about my indiscretions. My girlfriends know and they are not happy about it… I’m nervous that one of them will tell my boyfriend eventually.

I always feel guilty about it, until I get over it and do it again! I don’t want to lose my boyfriend but I also don’t know how to stop myself.

How can I stop having sex with all these guys?

How to stop? It’s actually quite easy — don’t spread your legs! No matter how drunk you are, you should be able to keep your legs together (or you have a serious hip problem).

What about having special panties made for those nights out? Have a few pairs printed with the following text: “Note to self: removing these result in nakedness, the spreading of legs and sex!”

If you are going to keep this up: at least make sure you get paid. Anyone working this hard at something should get compensated.

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- Dog

The thought of gay men having sex makes me excited. If I was a gay male, I guess it would make sense, but I’m not, I’m a 34-year-old heterosexual woman!

Is it normal for women to fantasize about gay men?

I say you might have “issues” if you fantasized about leprechauns having sex with squirrels… As for fantasies about human beings, I’m sure anything goes and is perfectly healhty and sane. The mind is a funny thing — it has a mind of it’s own.

Stop obsessing about it!

Fantasies are just that — “fantasies”… In your case, a dirty little fairy tale that gets you off. No one is getting hurt, so why worry about it?

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- Dog

What do you call it when my Minnesota Vikings lost their football game with a defensive play in their own end?

Eh? What?

They got Minnesotamized?

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- Dog

I’m 15 and I’m fed up living at home. I’m fed up being told what to do.

The basement is supposed to be mine but they tell me what to do there also! How can I get my parents to understand that I need my freedom?

You don’t have any rights and you don’t need any freedom. You are a child that lives at home and you have the same obligations as any given 7-year-old: go to school and get good grades — get a job — get the hell out of there! In a few years you will have to learn not to mess up on your own. As for now, your parents are your guides as you are completely helpless and clueless.

Trust me, they will be fed up with you leaching off of them eventually, and they will kick you out. You are only 15 so you don’t realize that we all answer to someone. As you get older you will realize that someone will always be telling you what to do. The quicker you resign to this fact, the quicker you will grow up!

Shut up with your whining and be grateful for what you have!

See? I told you what to do… If you are smart, you will listen and learn from people that know better.

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- Dog

My boyfriend is verbally and physically abusive towards me. I can’t even count the bruises he has given me anymore. I love him and want to help him.

How can I stop my boyfriend’s abusive behaviour?

Love is not: smacking someone over the head… Love is not: being smacked over the head…

You should get the hell out of there right now!

He is not your boyfriend… He is merely a very weak and pathetic man that should have his sack ripped clean off — and buried in his ass. The he should be kicked down some concrete stairs in to a pit of penguins that haven’t eaten in weeks.

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- Dog

Can I ask the big question here?

Is there life after death, reincarnation or are we all aliens? I often think about this question but I feel that I only get frustrated when doing so.

I believe I need the time to figure this all out but I don’t have it, and I’m getting nowhere.

Surely there must be more to life that this? Can you help?

Yes, I most definitely can! The answer to your questions is: no! no! no! Don’t keep wasting your time…

You ask, “Surely there must be more to life that this?”

What is “this” exactly? To you it seems to be the act of wasting time…

Sorry, there is no more to life than going out there procreating and living as good, and as meaningful of a life as possible, while it lasts. I have no idea what that “good” and “meaningful” is to you… You have to figure that out yourself.

Spending your time wisely doesn’t mean that it’s ok to interfere with other people looking for what they need to make it work for them. Minding your own business is on the top 10 list of things that makes for a happy life. Look to yourself first and foremost!

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- Dog

I sometimes masturbate with shampoo bottles, deodorants and electrical toothbrushes but I always end up sore in my end (butt). I try to be careful but I tend to forget in the heat of the moment.

Any ideas for other anal sex toys I can use?

Well, clearly you should avoid your (brand of) shampoo bottles… I sincerely hope that you don’t put any deodorants (or any chemicals up your butt or anywhere else where they don’t belong). I’m not sure what you are doing with the electrical toothbrushes, but please — use your own!

My experience on this subject matter is very limited, if not non-existent (unless being tripped and falling down on a hockey puck counts?)

However, as in any area of life — if something hurts — don’t do it!

If nothing else, your question accomplished one thing: I won’t wash my hair or use deodorants for a week… The teeth will need some basic scrubbing but I think I will buy a new (non-electric) one.

As for me suggesting other sex toys… Well, you clearly have Internet access, so why not look up “anal sex toys” on a search engine and find your way? I’m sure that sex toys are like Cuban cigars (to be smoked) — you have to find the one that does the trick for you.

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- Dog

I’m a hockey chick and I love hockey players!

Who is better, Sidney Crosby or Alexander Oveshkin?

Do you mean in bed?

Crosby — is an all-around performer that makes everyone around him better. He is best known for his play-making skills and smooth hands… He might have an off night if taken hard and smacked around a little bit.

Oveshkin — is a hard working and driven performer that will do anything to finish a play, He is best known for his scoring ability, being a fierce and for speaking with a Russian accent… He might have an off night if his mates can’t keep up with him.

Who is better? It’s a toss up… Both guys can deliver the goods.

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- Dog

Why do cats have nine lives?

They don’t… Which is why you often see them flattened on the road instead of scheming to take over the world.

It’s merely a saying, or a superstition perhaps, because they have quick reflexes and an extraordinary ability to keep their balance and righting themselves.

They only seem to have nine lives because they can survive high falls with no, or very minor injuries. However, a newborn kitten (with all “nine lives” still accounted for…) will when falling from the Empire State building, end up flat as a pancake…

Trust me on that! It’s elementary physics.

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- Dog