How do you steal the gold from a leprechaun?
Tickle them under the chin, and as soon as they close their eyes and start purring — hit them over the head with a beer bottle! A well-aimed and surreptitious kick in the nuts is also very effective with male leprechauns.
- Dog
Do you have any tips on changing my Cuban name into to something English?
If you decide to go with real English names, try to avoid first, and family names that have sexual connotations, such as Bush, Dick, and Rumsfeld etc. Bubba, Nipples and Sting are also out. Other than that — just pick one! It won’t matter that much anyway as most people will probably be calling you, “buddy”, “dude” or “boy” anyway.
- Dog
How do I stop my girlfriend from leaving me?
She will never leave you if you treat her like a princess: buy her pretty things, and keep her chained to a wall in your dungeon at all times!
- Dog
Have you ever experienced tragic love?
I dated this well-groomed and obedient girl named Nicole a couple of years ago before she told me that “we should start seeing other people…” and three days later she married a Tuba player from Norway. I was devastated when she moved to Scandinavia — I was madly in love with her!
The marriage to Buttnar didn’t work out, so she came back to Canada a year later. Nicole sought me out, and again we dated, this time only for a couple of days before she started talking about “needing some space…” Her second marriage was to Pablo; one of the wealthiest Guinea Pig milk producers in Peru, but that didn’t work out either… She came back to me yet again!
To make a very long story short, Nicole has now been married seventeen times, and she has come back to me after each divorce. Through the years we have had an amazing three months together, but it’s been over between us for a couple of years now as she has completely lost her charms. In fact, she looks like she has been savagely ravaged by polar bears.
- Dog
I have stumbled upon the perfect man online. We have exchanged almost a hundred emails, and I think I’m in love now! He has asked for us to meet but I’m not sure if I should?What’s the importance of the number of email? Is that one of those new rules that if someone sends you a hundred emails, you have to drop your panties?
Come on! People are not always what they seem to be when the only form of communication is chat, emails or bulletin boards… In the analog world he would be nothing more than a nice pen pal.
Ok, he might be as wonderful as you think and imagine, but then again, he could also be a total psycho who is toying with you. At least talk to him over the phone a few times before risking ending up bound and gagged in a dungeon somewhere.
- Dog
My dad often kicks my toy poodle “Mickey” across the room when he goes to work in the morning. Can a dog get hurt if kicked?
It’s not widely known, but toy poodles are in fact a breed originally developed to be used as toys! As such they are sturdier than they look and can take a severe beating without suffering permanent physical damage.
Besides, they are not “real” dogs like Golden Retrievers, German Shepherds or Rottweilers, so does it even matter?
- Dog
Are there better places to find a girlfriend than in a bar?
Have you tried libraries, churches, sports arenas, gyms, grocery stores, museums, funeral homes, trailer parks, shrimp fishing boats, pharmacy isle where they keep the magnum-sized condoms?
There are a many hunting grounds — you simply need to be open to the possibilities!
- Dog
I tried my dog’s skin cream on a horrible rash I have under my left eye, and it has been working wonders until yesterday — I woke up without eyebrows!
The other guys at the office make fun of me because of my situation. Do you have any advice about dog skin creams and eyebrows?
As you have noticed, some medications have good side effects, but it’s dumb to purposely use the wrong medications to get them. Especially as there are proper treatments available. And God only knows what other bad side effects you are getting in addition to losing your eyebrows.
Advice? Use a proper skin cream, or use a permanent marker to draw in your eyebrows, as it’s a lot of work penciling in new eyebrows every morning.
- Dog
I’m a 29-year-old virgin, and not by choice by the way. Recently I met this beautiful woman that seems interested in me, but the problem is that she is only in to kinky stuff (piercing, whips and handcuffs etc.)
Is kinky sex the best way for me to lose my virginity?
Once you get this humongous monkey called “virginity” off your back, you will see that women are not so bad.. Most of them are actually quite pleasant, and when you date one for a while you will only get whipped and spanked if you do something extraordinarily nice for them.
Get it done, and before you know it you will be adorning tongue jewellery, just like everyone else! If you are lucky, you might even get a woman to clean up after you! Yes, they do that if you are good to them: teaching them about the ins and outs of remote controls, shoplifting and snuffing out their mother etc.
Most men would take your place in the blink of an eye. Getting handcuffed and whipped senseless is probably the easiest courtship you will ever go through. Once you start meeting other women you will see that hours of mindless small talk in a smelly bar, is much more painful than a pair of burning buttocks.
- Dog
My girlfriend wants me to take a dump on her. When I say, “dump”, I of course really mean “shit”, “poo” and “defecate”. I find the idea disgusting and disturbing!
Should I take a dump on my girlfriend just to keep her happy?
What says, “I love you!” more than having your lover’s romantic turd on your chest?
Hey, an old traditional Greek wedding night is not complete without a mutual bowel movement. They must have something figured out, as the divorce rate is extremely low in Greece!
Your job description as the “dude” in the relationship:
- Dog