Ask Dog

Why do you sign off with Dog instead of your real name? Do you think that Dog makes you sound tougher?

Jumping to silly and twisted conclusions, are we not?

I sign off as “Dog” as I’m very proud off the fact that I’m listed in the Guinness Book of World Records as the only living person who can reach any part of his or her body with their own tongue. I also hold the world record as the mammal that’s the fastest at licking the label off any given beer bottle — 2 minutes and 43 seconds! Beat that!

Proudly.

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- Dog

I made friends with this young woman. A few months later I decided to tell her that I liked her a lot, not just for her looks, but also for her intelligence, and her personality… She freaked out and left me — why?

You “liked her a lot?” What’s the matter with you? A person may like ice cream, scratching his or her butt, and perhaps even tequila a lot, but “liking” a woman? Nooo!

Women you freaking “worship” and “love”… You would “love” to bend her backwards over the kitchen table… You would kill to have her strapped up in your dungeon so that you may “worship” her!

“Like” is like grandma taking a dump on the family dog — cute but not very flattering… It’s a non-word — strike it from your vocabulary!

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- Dog

What does it mean when your boyfriend only calls you in the middle of the night to for sex? Mine only calls between 2am and 4am asking if he can drive over to my place. Any ideas?

Well there are a few possibilities (most likely reason listed first):

1. That’s when his live-in girlfriend, or wife, leaves for work…
2. He’s frustrated because he go his ass kicked when playing Counter Strike…
3. The cable channel showing porn went off air…
4. He ran out of beer and pot…
5. All his socks are crusty…

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- Dog

Can I get pregnant when giving a guy a blow job? My boyfriend wants it but I’m not sure I want to risk it.

Well sort of… Blowjobs are in fact how leprechauns are created. The only thing that should go in to your mouth is food, if you didn’t know the answer to that very obvious question.

Look at Ireland… Catholic country, and more leprechauns than you can shake a stick at. Just a coincidence? I don’t think so!

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- Dog

Is it true that you should avoid truckers when hitchhiking because they are all perverts?

Yes, absolutely! Sitting on your ass for days on end while listening to country music will turn anyone in to a psychotic pervert.

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- Dog

My wife’s best friend has suggested a fur coat, a trip to Jamaica, or some jewellery for my wife’s 40th birthday. I was thinking about getting something more practical — weigh loss pills and spa treatments.

What do you think makes for the best 40th birthday gift?

Yes, I guess she could clean the house using a fur coat but that would make for a very expensive rag… A trip might revitalize her for a major task, but if she has a good vacuum cleaner she won’t really strain herself. The jewellery might help her feel prettier while performing her cleaning duties, but wouldn’t they just get in the way? No one wants to get an earring caught in a shag rug or what have you.

On the other hand, weight loss pills and spa treatments will benefit both of you. She will feel better about herself, and you will feel better about her. How can you go wrong?

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- Dog

How do I tell my new girlfriend that her moustache is tickling me? It’s like kissing a dude.

I assume you wish to find away to tell her to deal with the facial hair without hurting her feelings? Sorry, there is nothing you can say…

Most guys simply put some hair removal products on their girlfriends when they have passed out from over-drinking, or when they have fallen asleep from exhaustion after the big weekly house cleaning.

Unless you wish to continue kissing your “Freddie Mercury” — use chemicals!

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- Dog

Why are jocks in general more attractive to women than nerds?

Why? They strut their goodies!

I’m sure there are primal animal instincts at play. A strutting peacock, is I’m sure more attractive than a grey scabby one that only sits in the corner sulking… The strutting one will probably also make for a better mate genetics wise. The strutting ones will probably also get the juices flowing a bit quicker as well… (I’m not sure if that happens with peacocks.. but I’m sure you get the idea!)

Of course you will also have the peacock that looks great on the surface, but is in reality a pathetic and psychotic specimen of a bird, but that’s an altogether different issue.

If you are having problems meeting women: Simply put yourself out there! Nature will eventually find a away if you are patient enough.

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- Dog

Why do so few men shave their genitals? It should be easy enough if us women can do it.

Well, metrosexual men do… But I assume you mean real men?

It’s quite simple: real men like to scratch themselves. It’s a primal instinct…

Did you know that mountain gorillas and chimpanzees go crazy if you shave their balls? It was so bad when they did these experiments at the Toronto zoo that the animals were first sedated, and then a few weeks later they were euthanized because they were beyond repair.

Michael Jackson’s chimpanzee “Bubbles” reportedly also became overly aggressive when Michael had the monkey’s balls shaved.

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- Dog

Do you know any recipes for classic aphrodisiacs for men?

Yes, I do! I have two quick working ones, and two that take a little bit of planning:

Swinkala — Sneaky women in parts of Africa (and recently Japan and China) use a perfume (Swinkala) made with Marula fruit, goat urine and spices. It is believed that the Swinkala will when placed on a woman skin increase the effect of her pheromones. Women should not do this, unless they really want the attention of their suitor, as it will drive him mad with desire…

Cucumbers — No, not as marital aids, but as way to balance the fluids in your body! Men’s libido is often boosted by simply taken care of dehydration, and hunger. Quickly eating 8-9 cucumbers will keep you going for at least 12 hours.

Toothpaste — Supposedly Colgate toothpaste between a man’s toes will keep him “alert” for a very long time. It also makes his feet smell minty fresh! This however takes foresight as the toothpaste will take between 2 – 3 hours to take effect, but when it does… Oh, boy…

Sake and ashes — In Japan it’s believed that the ashes from birch wood, mixed with Sake will when rubbed in to a man’s armpits and scrotum turn even a garter snake in to an anaconda. This also takes foresight because it supposedly takes 24 hours for it to take effect. Many historians believe that Samurais rubbed them selves with this mixture before heading out in battle.

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- Dog