Why does my skin turn purple when I snort catnip?
Catnip is toxic and if you are subjected to it in large amounts, it might cause vomiting and diarrhea. You are probably snorting too hard, or you are having allergic reactions, if you skin keeps turning purple.
Try to find other spices and things to snort! Have you ever tried snorting ground chicken? It’s a freaking amazing buzz!
- Dog
I’m obsessed with fingers! Six fingers to be exact — on the same hand! I know I probably sound like a total weirdo, but I’m a 39-year-old male who is obsessed with women, who have six fingers on their hands.Do you have any idea where I can get six-finger backrubs?
Yes, six finger backrubs sure are amazing… How about simply asking a woman to use all the fingers on her left hand, and one finger on her right hand? You could also perhaps ask for her to go 3 and 2…How about trying to find and understanding woman who doesn’t mind wearing an extra prosthetic finger once in a while?
Hexadactyly (presence of an extra sixth finger or toe) is not all that common, and these women are held in high regard. You are in for a cockfight for sure… There are hundreds of thousands of men per woman, so they can literally pick and chose amongst their many suitors.
- Dog
All online dating ads look the same to me. Is there a trick to picking out the real people in the personals?
They key is to know how to interpret what people are saying. Simply taking the words at face value is completely pointless.
What you need to have in mind when reading the ads: the rule of opposites:
- Dog
Recently, a woman named Billy joined our closed knit group of women friends. She is huge, and she also has a scruffy beard.
How do I tell if she is really a he without ripping the clothes off?
You ladies should get drunk and play Twister! This will give you a lot of opportunities to check things out. Another way to tell is to violently kick a person between the legs. If vomit is produced — it’s a dude!
- Dog
My fiancé is the biggest slob on the planet! I have tried everything to make him start picking up after himself, to no avail! I have screamed, pleaded and even threatened him with physical violence but nothing is working.
Three weeks ago I started letting things be, to see if he would finally realize what kind of mess he leaves… We now have cockroaches scurrying around in the living room!
Do you have any suggestions on how to correct a slob?
Sorry, I don’t have anything that will help you with your fiancé. However, I do have some advice for you if you wish to marry the guy (and to stay married to him) — bend down and pick up garbage when you see it!
Nagging has never worked with a guy: help him instead! Does it really have to be such a big deal to pick up after him? If you keep doing it a little bit at a time it will not feel like a chore, and you won’t end up with the type of disaster as you have now.
You have cockroaches because you were being a lazy bitch! Well done!
All happily married women realize eventually that women are better at cleaning than men. In fact, it’s one of the corner stones of a successful marriage! If you wish to avoid messes altogether — marry a salad-eating lesbian.
- Dog
How do I court a one-in-a-million-girl who doesn’t want anything to do with me?
You found a girl who is one in a million, huh? Please don’t tell me she is that big-breasted redhead-nymphomaniac who owns her own brewery; that I gave up looking for years ago?
It’s tricky to tell a guy to “move on” when he views a girl as being that special… How about, “Get some freaking perspective!”
I’ll bet you that she doesn’t even own her own brewery, and that she can’t shoot ping-pong balls across the room using her vagina — is she really one in a million? I don’t think so…
The sea is deep, dark and big: Take a second look!
- Dog
Why do good-looking women want a nice guy but chase the bad boy?
I’m sure there are many reasons why some women are attracted to the stereotypical “bad boy”. But saying that all good-looking women “chase” the bad boy is just silly. Many bad boys are not really all that “bad”… Some are actually quite “nice”… Also, what one woman views as the find of the century, others might view as a complete “loser”.“Bad” is also subjective… Wearing leather pants and passing gas in public is “bad” to some… Other women will not accept anything less than a psychotic bad boys who are in to glue and cars, and who beats the jiffers out of them on a regular basis.
Basically: quit your whining and stop making assumptions about women you haven’t met yet. Just get out there and make yourself available! Good or nice: I’m sure you being a whining little bitch isn’t going to help things along all that much.
- Dog
I’ve been talking to a guy on the Internet for quit sometime and it feels like we are meant for each other. We know everything about one another, and he understands me better than anyone else. But it’s hard just having a relationship over the Internet, and we live so far away from each other.
Should I travel to visit my online lover?
If you are underage: Tell your mommy and daddy what kind of personal information you have given out already. I’m sure they can help you figure out if he’s a suitable “pen pal” for you or not. Then get back to real-life worries like school, and people around you.
If you are an adult: Use your common sense. In general, you guys don’t know squat about each other… Heck, you don’t even know what your respective farts smell like!
Again, use your common sense. “Going out for dinner” could easily turn in to “becoming the dinner” if you are a dumb ball with a psycho stranger.
- Dog
My brother who I haven’t seen for eight years called the other day telling me that he will be coming to stay with me and family next Christmas. This makes me feel very uncomfortable, as he is a serial arsonist.
Am I supposed to be a good Christian even though my brother frightens me?
The Lord said, “Let he with the most gasoline soaked rags strike the first match!” Sorry, that was a bad joke, but I couldn’t help myself…
As Christian you should of course welcome him in to your home. He might be a sick and perverted homicidal maniac but he’s still your brother. At the same time, as a man with a brain, you should also take some real-life precautions because God is extremely busy at that time of year…
Why not throw him a big welcome home party with a huge cake with hundreds of candles: and watch the candles! If he starts drooling or tries to light napkins on fire instead of blowing them out — hit him over the head with a shovel and bury him in the backyard!
- Dog
At a family reunion a week ago, I introduced my son and his bitch of five years, as my son and his moron lazy-bitch-girlfriend “Sara”.
She was insulted and went completely ballistic.
What title was I supposed to have bestowed upon her?
You are completely and utterly at fault here! You can’t be throwing around labels like that! If she has never been referred to as a “girlfriend” before, why would you suddenly start calling her that at a large social gathering? Do you have any idea what kind of pressure that puts her under? Being called a girlfriend carries with it certain expectations and obligations.
The correct way of introducing her would have been to simply call her “bitch”, “tart” or “floosy” and then tag on whatever words that best describe her looks or personality. In the future, avoid words that add undue pressure!
- Dog