Ask Dog

I have known my husband of six months since the turn of the millennium. He has always taken great care of himself: eating well, jogging and lifting weights. Well, there’s nothing of that anymore! It totally changed after our honeymoon… We had barely carried in the bags coming home from our one-month getaway before he ate a stick of butter right out of the fridge!

He has gone from hunk to pig in three months! He puts butter on everything…

How do I stop my husband from getting even fatter?

Welcome to married life and quit your whining! Marriages normally start falling apart after the honeymoon, unless hookers and threesomes continue to be part of the relationship.

To me it seems like you are trying to make your husband look twisted… It has never occurred to you that perhaps you are the one obsessing about this harmless trait of his? Is it possible that you are crowding him? Many people eat more than normal when they are stressed…

I’m not sure about your customs, but isn’t it perhaps possible that he’s simply preparing himself for the winter months? Fat is an amazing insulator.

Discuss this question in the forum

- Dog

My partner’s hands get sticky whenever she handles my balls. Well, my hands get sticky too, but I don’t mind it as much. She on the other hand doesn’t shut up about it, and it’s driving me crazy!

I have tried soap, dishwashing liquid and rubbing alcohol but nothing is working!

Yesterday I even tried paint thinner in desperation, but that didn’t help either. In fact, that might even have made them stickier than before!

Can you help me fix my sticky balls?

Paint thinner? I sincerely hope you are talking about juggling balls here, or you should have an intense burning sensation in your crotch are right about now.

I have no idea what you guys got on your balls but it must be something extremely tacky, as the paint thinner didn’t get rid of it. You did mention that they got stickier after trying to use paint thinner… This makes me suspect that it only made the mystery substance temporarily looser, and it was merely spread around.

One of the strongest cleaners is “Goop Off” and I recommend you try that one first, but for godsake don’t apply it to anything attached to your body!

Instead of trying to remove the stickiness, you could try talc, baby powder or corn starch (works on all kinds of balls…)

Discuss this question in the forum

- Dog

I came across a hockey bag containing 28 iPods, 3 laptop computers and a huge axe, while cleaning my 12-year-old daughter’s bedroom.

Do you think she has stolen these things?

Don’t be too quick jumping to conclusions. A 12-year-old’s mind doesn’t always work in a rational way. Often things are not what they seem at first glance. A hockey bag full of consumer goods and a huge axe doesn’t necessarily mean that she is doing something sinister.

I believe the clue to this mystery is the axe in that bag of hers. One doesn’t always see the obvious when it’s right there in front of you… I’m quite positive that your daughter has been making extra money while working as a lumberjack!

Discuss this question in the forum

- Dog

How can I trust my son and husband to help me with my business when they are complete morons?

I see morons as Beagles — stubborn and slow in the head, but they can also be amusing to have around when trained to do as told.

When morons reach the upper stratosphere of stupidity, verbal direction will cease to work. You have to correct their behaviour on a sub-conscious level using physical and mental anguish… Yes, I’m talking about remote controlled electrical dog collars!

With fresh batteries in the collar, they will pay attention to you, believe me! If they don’t behave — Zap! To keep them on their toes you can also zap them whenever you get a cup of tea, go to the washroom or sneeze. Keep them guessing!

It’s either electrical dog collars, or another Beagle training method: covering them with mayonnaise and beating them with a stick. The initial investment for collars is a bit higher than the mayonnaise/stick solution, but in the long run it will save you time and money!

Discuss this question in the forum

- Dog

My live-in girlfriend of eight years, Lisa, and I have still not “done it”.

How do I convince her?

Your problem is that you didn’t set the ground rules from the very beginning. If certain things are truly important to you: get them approved in writing, before plowing yourself too deeply in to a relationship.

However, all is not lost! You simply need to stop being the bitch in the relationship. Demand your God given rights as a man — waiting eight years for a satellite dish is not humane…

Man, you are missing out on weekly cheerleading, aerobics and skip-roping competitions on ESPN!

Discuss this question in the forum

- Dog

When did you experience your first true love?

In 1996 when I was working as a watermelon farmer’s assistant in a small town outside Montreal, I met the girl that changed me forever. Nicole was a beautiful, buxom girl, and she came to the farm one day to buy some vegetables.

It was love at first sight for me! When I saw her bend down to pick up a melon, it literally stopped my heart! The last thing I remember when falling face first into a wheelbarrow, was her sparkling smile, and her melons.

Discuss this question in the forum

- Dog

Why do you think my fiance wants me to change my name from Suki Yu to Fuki Yu?

I have no idea… Why don’t you ask him? Well, it could be the simple fact that the first name makes you sound like you are a cheap, and available to everyone, whore! Fuki Yu on the other hand sounds like the name of an extremely devoted wife.

Discuss this question in the forum

- Dog

How can I stop my wife from getting grossed out about what I do and eat?

Previously sane or even cute personality traits are rapidly becoming disgusting and inappropriate, and all because of the TV show FearFactor.

You have to do what they do on the show — take it up a notch. A couple of weeks of eating pig rectums, and your hissing cockroach snack while seem like a relief to your wife.

Discuss this question in the forum

- Dog

How do I get my ex-boyfriend back?

Why not do something nice for him? Perhaps you could paint his house when he’s away on vacation? Maybe you could send something of yours to him as a reminder: a scented piece of clothing, a letter, or perhaps a severed foot?

Discuss this question in the forum

- Dog

Do the different colored Smarties have their own flavor?

Only when you are high on LSD, PCP and Coke. The red ones will also taste different if you eat them after visiting the bathroom, and you haven’t washed your hands.

Discuss this question in the forum

- Dog