Ask Dog

I often get dizzy after drinking four or five bottles of wine. One more than one occasion I have fallen in to our china cabinet. Also, I have lost count of how many times I have walked through our French doors without opening them first. No only that, my wife says that I snore like a T-Rex during the nights of my dizzy spells.

I get extremely crabby unless I have my wine, and my wife is becoming increasingly flustered by me drinking the stuff. She is now threatening to kick me out of the bedroom unless I get my “act together”. Whatever that means?

I really like our king-size bed, and I want to sleep in it.

Any ideas what can be done about my wine induced dizzy spells?

One of the side effects of bountiful consumption of alcoholic beverages is a dizzy spell, and there is nothing you can do to avoid them. What you can do however is to avoid the damaging consequences of them. There are all kinds of things you can do to avoid toppling over:

1. A sturdy walker will keep you upright at all times. The initial investment might seem a bit high, but it will pay for itself very quickly with the money you will be saving in broken china and French doors.
2. Walking is overrated! With a bit of practice you will be able to crawl faster than when transporting yourself standing up. The forward momentum might not be as high as when walking, but you will be able to make it from point A to B in a straight line.
3. Many people that have this inflection end up getting a large dog that they can hold on to, such as a St. Bernard, Rottweiler or Mastiff. These dogs are even strong enough that they can be trained to drag you to the bed if you become unconscious, or fall asleep somewhere where you shouldn’t have.

The snoring can be taken care of with routine nasal surgery or even easier, with a “180-degree displacement tactic” — sleep with your head at the bed’s footboard! It doesn’t have to be an inconvenience if both you and your wife wash your feet regularly. This simple solution can lower the noise level your wife hears by as much as 73 percent!

If you absolutely have to sleep the right way around, and can’t afford the surgery: try scuba gear, a Darth Vader helmet or an insulated cardboard box. These things, even though too uncomfortable to sleep in for some, can turn snoring in to a deep wheezing sound. Many women find this sound to be comforting; a few even find it to be exciting, or even erotic!

- Dog

My girlfriend is a perfect 10 in every way imaginable, except one — she has hairy feet! I’m not talking about those cute, soft and small hairs that some women have on their toes… Her feet are Bigfoot hairy! When she wears clogs it looks like there are two shag rugs spilling out of them.

It didn’t bother me that much initially, but now that we are intimate I find them incredibly distracting. I’m afraid asking her to shave would hurt her feelings. One more than one occasion I have thought about secretly applying a hair removal product to her feet when she sleeps, but what if she is allergic to it? I wouldn’t want to her to get a rash, or go in to septic shock or something like that.

What should I do about my girlfriend’s hairy feet?

No, asking her to shave is not a good idea at all. You risk ruining the trust and acceptance you have built up in your relationship. It might just damage it to a degree where it can’t be repaired.

If it’s not a problem for her, it doesn’t have to be one for you either. We all have our unique traits, and learning to accept them is what makes a relationship stronger.

Instead of thinking about how you can have the hair removed, perhaps you should think about how you can make her feet easier for you to handle? I can think about a few things:

1. Some nice braids will turn any kind of hair in to something feminine. You might have to help her, as braiding your own feet is not that easy unless you are extremely flexible.
2. A permanent will turn even the frizziest hair soft, curly and attractive. They might be more appealing to you if they weren’t shaggy looking?
3. You can have a lot of fun with colour! Turning her hairy feet in to “punk” or matching them to hair on her head might make them more a fashion statement than a distraction.
4. Combing all the hair over to one side of the foot will probably also make them look more attractive. I can see her barefoot on the beach with the hair blowing in the wind, and it doesn’t look bad at all in my mind!
5. A lot of hair gel on her feet and pulling all the hair back towards the ankles, might make the hair look like a pair socks instead. Especially if combined with a bright colour!

- Dog

I have a problem with my girlfriend Lisa’s shopping habits. She is always buying me weird and useless gifts! In the last couple of months she has given me: a harpoon, gardening gloves, clogs, dog shampoo, wooden spoons and a t-shirt that says: “I’m not pierced!” I have asked her what I’m supposed to do with these things, but she just tells me that she enjoys shopping for me…

I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but it’s really getting on my nerves! I don’t know how to tell her to stop without hurting her feelings…

Why is my girlfriend buying me these weird and useless gifts?

Women are sneaky creatures! To me it seems that your girlfriend has a plan and she’s following it down to the last letter — or she’s a complete loon… There’s a time in every relationship when the women begins moulding the man in to something she can continue living with. Normally this is done through nagging, guilt trips, threats, and by getting untimely headaches — weeks on end. However, some women will put “tools” (your gifts) in place that she can later use, or rather make you use…

Your girlfriend seems to be exceptionally sneaky, as the “tools” she has acquired so far, don’t seem to make any sense. A harpoon for instance is not something that has a second use as far as I can tell, and I doubt she will suggest that you start fishing for her. Do you have an annoying neighbour, meddling mother or a serious rat problem by any chance?

Only time will tell what kind of plans she has for you. Please do drop me a note when you start finding out. I’m curious… and concerned to a certain extent.

Asking a woman to stop shopping would be like asking President Bush to read a book — it’s never going to happen! The best thing to do is to keep your mouth shut, and wait it out — or get the heck out!

- Dog

My boyfriend Billy left me for a girl he met online… I thought it was just a silly online fling until one day he wasn’t there when I got home. He didn’t even say goodbye in a letter… Not even with a post-it note stuck to the nice piece of ham we had in the fridge!

But as I later found out, the “girl” online was a burly lumberjack named Bruce in real-life. The only truth about his fling what that there was a d-cup involved… Needless to say: there didn’t end up being any love in the air for them.

 What to do about my boyfriend wanting me back?

How about getting together with “Bruce The Burly Lumberjack” instead? The lumberjack meeting up with your boyfriend doesn’t necessarily mean that he swings his axe with a limp wrist — the name “Billy” could easily be mistaken as belonging to a female.

Besides, I doubt there are many Internet savvy lumberjacks out there… It was probably a misunderstanding from his part also. However, Billy purposely taking off for a girl (or even a lumberjack), doesn’t fall under the “mistake” category. A mistake is what you call it when you use Preparation H as a substitute for toothpaste, thinking that it will help with itchy gums!

Give him some of that Preparation H, and boot his sorry butt out of there…

- Dog

My relationship with my mother is a disaster. Everything I do is not good enough for her, even though by most standards I am highly successful, both in my personal life and my career. She has a very busy life yet always finds the time to pick on me and to put me down. She is always saying things like, “Amaso Nib Nedal, your cave is dirtier than camel droppings!” or “Amaso, your beard looks like a rat!” or ”Nib Nedal, you bring shame with your mindless cackling!” 

I’ve tried to get some distance from her by moving half way around the world but that didn’t help. Now she just phones me ten times a day to nag at me. I have fantasies about faking my death so I can get a little peace.

What can I do about my mother’s nagging?

Is it possible that you have never let your mother down in your whole life? ‘Excellence’ when compared to ‘godlike’ might seem like a failure to her… I believe that for your mother to see your ‘excellence’, she must first experience how bad things could be with you…

Why not take yourself down a peg or two and really give her something to complain about? I’m not saying that you should grow a beard down to your knees, and garb yourself like a cross-dresser, and blow things up… It can be simple things such as wearing goofy hats and boots, excessive cursing, coke addiction and spending all your family’s money on dumb business ventures.

When your name is worth toilet paper, ask your dad to bring you up again! It worked great for George W. Bush, and I’m sure it could work for you as well!

- Dog

I wrote to “Dear Abby” but she didn’t print my letter. Hopefully, given your generosity you can give me some of your wise advice. I should have written to you first because your advice is clearly superior.

My problem is that my beautiful wife says I try to flatter people and that I’m insincere. She says she is embarrassed by that behaviour and is uncomfortable being in social situations with me.

What can I say to my beautiful in order to change her mind?

The thing is that even poorly conceived flattery (or sucking up) can work amazingly well, but only with weak-minded people. But when the art is perfected, a person may go through life always getting what they want, manipulating anyone that crosses their path.

When I read your wonderfully crafted letter, I got the impression that your wife is not reacting to your flattery per se, but on what you concentrate your efforts? Is it possible that you haven’t reached the Zen level of flattery yet? Poorly thought out flattery can easily become an insult! There are a couple things that should never be talked about by beginner-flatterers because they can easily turn in to a disaster…

Here are three classic textbook examples:

Body odour — Your aroma reminds me of newly fried Swedish meatballs, in they way it makes my mouth water, and my eyes tear up!

Acne — Picasso himself could not have mixed up a more interesting palette of colours, which is your skin. I could stand her all day starring at you and continue discovering new things!

Leg amputee — I love the way you stand-up for yourself… Any people attempting to fight you using logic will quickly find themselves without a leg to stand on, and I’m sure they will kick themselves for even trying!

What I’m trying to say is that flattery can be a mighty weapon, but to be able to swing the broadsword, you must first master the penknife. Start simple (like your wife, mother in-law, friends, boss, cashiers and waiters and waitresses) and slowly work yourself towards the three examples mentioned above.

Focus is the key! Don’t go all over the place — master the basics first and later on people won’t even notice it happening, your wife especially!

I believe you have what it takes, just start slow!

- Dog

I have a crush, and he is also my best friend’s crush… All of our mutual friends know that my friend has a crush on him while I haven’t shared my secret with anyone. It hurts me when I see her flirting with him!

What to do about my girlfriend and my crush?

It’s all about choices… If you really want this guy you should go after him with all cylinders firing! Gloves are off! All bets are off! See it as two hens going after that last scrap of corn on the barnyard…

If you get the guy or not — you might lose a friend and perhaps make an enemy… Is he worth it? He’s just a crush…

Here’s a secret: there are a lot of guys out there, and they are all easy! Here’s another secret: nothing is better and more rewarding than having a great friend that you can trust. Here’s ones last secret that men don’t want women to know: if women decided to stick together instead of clawing at each other over penises, they would rule the universe!

Now you go and decide what is the right thing do to for you…

- Dog

Ok, I have a question and it’s about my boyfriend… We have a long distant relationship and I love and trust him, but I feel like he’s out cheating on me, which I know he is not… I don’t know how I feel… but I love him. We both love each other…

I can never let loose and relax!

How can I make sure that my long distance boyfriend is not cheating on me?

Trust is a funny thing… You either have it or you don’t… Another funny thing is that the longer the distance, the shorter the memory… And to continue with the ambiguity: most men are only as faithful as he has options… Does your boyfriend have options?

I’m not sure what a “long distance relationship” is? You get together once a month to play ping-pong? If he really enjoys playing ping-pong, why wouldn’t he play with someone else also?

The only way you will be able to truly let loose and relax, is if you have him chained to your kitchen sink. Second best thing is to take away the “long distance” part of the “relationship” to see if there is anything worthwhile there.

- Dog

I seek your advice. I want to have a child. I don’t want to waste any time with ritual courtship and marriage. I just need to find a suitable donor to impregnate me.

Finding a highly suitable donor has been a problem. I have a 146 IQ. Males with high IQ’s are few and far between. Males with IQ’s in the 115-135 range are widely available. If I settle and mate with a male that has a 120 IQ there is a 20% statistical risk that my child’s IQ will be sub 130.

I realize many people with such low IQ’s manage to live successful, productive lives, but it isn’t a risk I’m willing to take.

Where can I find a sperm donor that will give me an intelligent baby?

No, it’s not a risk worth taking… Look around you… We (humankind) have an American President who is a giggling imbecile. We have reality shows were dumb people try to find equally dumb mates — watched weekly by even dumber people. We have Rap music, Britney Spears and Rod Stewart (still!)

The IQ of people has been diluted to the points that attention is given to Hollywood movies stars, athletes and super models, when they describe the same epiphany they had last time they were in drug and alcohol rehab.

Yes, your child might grow up to live a productive life with a sub 120 IQ, but why not give him or her a chance to make a difference? There are fewer and fewer of us to keep humanity from imploding in to complete stupidity.

Finding a suitable donor with the right IQ is simple if you are willing to place ads, either in newspapers or online dating services. They key is to formulate the ad in such away that only suitable men (sperm donors) will be able to contact you. As an example:

Hello! My name is ZX2 + 23.56 X (n2-p4t) x X2Pn =
I’m looking for an intelligent male who is willing to work hard at getting me pregnat.

Please call n4-34o X (r2+t97) / 0.321 =

Get it? I’m sure you do!

- Dog

I’m a 68-year-old man with an annoying problem: I only get erections in the bath… I’m not sure what brings on the ability to break beer bottles on my asparagus, but it happens every time! I wish I could transfer some of this ability to the bedroom for the Missus, as Viagra doesn’t do it for me. However, as soon as I get out of the water, my asparagus goes from majestic to “well steamed”.

Getting my wife in to the tub with me is not going to work because we both have arthritis, and the tub is quite small.

How do I control my monolithic erections?

Perhaps the heat of the water makes you relax, and maybe it helps with your arthritis pain at the same time? Try firing up the heat in your bedroom to the point where it would cook a small bird, and see what happens! If the temperature change doesn’t do it, you need to figure out what makes the right neurons in your brain fire away while in the bath.

Why not experiment while you wife is out of the house? Do and use all the same things in the bedroom, as you would in the bath:

1. If you use those small plastic ducks in the bath — toss them in the bed…
2. If you sneak some of your wife’s lavender oils in to the water — rub yourself with some it…
3. If you drink a half a bottle of tequila in there — do the same in bed…
4. If you use those small fuchsia coloured candles that smell like pork chops — buy a whole bunch and fire them all up…
5. If you secretly listen to Abba’s greatest hits — get a stereo for the bedroom…
6. If you play with the water faucet with your toes — install one your bed’s footboard….
7. If “making bubbles” amuses you — pretend to make some in bed (leave a window slightly ajar)…
8. If you fantasize about covering actress Charlize Theron in mashed turnips, and bacon grease — you want to try it with your wife in bed…

- Dog