Do you think it is okay for me to break my promise to my wife?
Have you ever noticed that men like deli meats more than women do? I have this theory that nitrates, of which deli meats are an excellent source, are essential to male health. I can’t prove it other than noting that men get really irritable when they have not had sufficient amounts of beef jerky, salami, kielbasa, or pepperoni in their diets.
Recently my wife read that nitrates cause cancer. Since then, for the good of our family’s health, she has banned deli meats from our house. To keep the peace I reluctantly agreed I would not sneak any. It has been a week and I’m getting very irritable. I’m afraid that with this pent up rage I might hurt my family who I love dearly.
Do you think it is okay for me to break my promise to my wife?
You obviously haven’t been married very long… and that’s ok… You have to learn eventually: a lie is not a lie when it retains a married man’s sanity!
Yes, I can hereby confirm that your intuition about the importance of meat in a man’s diet is correct! It’s not the nitrates, but the meat itself. Nitrates simply make it easier for men to survive in this industrialized age. Just as vacuum cleaners make it easier for women.
Instead of feeling guilt, you should go ahead and create your own “stash” where you can hide your meat, just as your forefathers have done before you. I have some pointers that will help you get going:
- Location — Where does you wife never go? The generic places: gym bag, workbench, attic, smelly part of the garage, crawlspace under the house, and the box in the basement that contains your old Heavy Metal albums. I’m sure you can think of places that pertain to your unique situation.
- Meat — The choice of meat is extremely important! Never acquire meat that rot, or spoil easily. Here are some safe bets: different kinds of jerky, Hungarian and German salamis, Italian and French cured hams, and if cost is an issue: canned meats. For those times when you want to treat yourself to something really nice: Bruzzese, Calabrese, Prosciutto and Lyon sausage. If vacuumed sealed, and kept even slightly cooled, they stay edible for months on end!If you crave something hot once in a while: Pancetta (thinly sliced, salty Italian bacon.) Apply a blowtorch to some of these babies for a couple of seconds and you will have a feast fit for a king!
- Timing — Easy! Whenever your wife hits the door — you hit the meat supply! Another solution is to start a never-ending home improvement project near your “stash”. Whenever you get the urge — go and “work” on your project. Not only will you get your meat fix, your wife will love you for it!
- Conduct — If she smells the meat on your breath, discovers grease stains on your clothes, or finds an old shrivelled up sausage: Deny, deny and deny!
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