Ask Dog

I know my problem is very minor compared with those of others. Still, it causes significant friction in my home and I hope you can help. I believe that when the toilet paper is put on the holder the paper should hang over the front. My equally stubborn wife thinks it absolutely has to hang down behind the roll. If either of us finds it the “wrong” way we change it. This leads to the roll being changed several times a day. We frequently argue about what is the right way and those arguments are hurting our marriage.

We considered building a second washroom so we could each have our own but we can’t afford what it would cost. I offered to install a second holder in the washroom so we could each have our own properly hung roll. My wife poo-poo’d that idea saying it would still bother her having to see my “wrong” roll. I even considered installing an automatic toilet seat from Japan — it washes and dries your private parts without using any paper! But unfortunately the dryer would cost even more than building another washroom.

I’m hoping that you’ll have some advice that can save my marriage. I know my wife reads your Ask Dog column so if you agree with me that paper should hang over the front of the roll — perhaps she’ll reconsider her position?

I feel for you…

The sad thing is that toilet paper arguments destroy more marriages than affairs, beer and cheerleading competitions on cable TV — combined! And it doesn’t have to be that way!

Any man or woman having an above average intelligence will agree with you that the paper should hang over the front… Unfortunately everyone is not blessed with the adequate number of brain cells to figure out problems such as this. Instead of mocking the feeble, we superior beings should take the time to explain the logic behind our arguments. Often all you need to do in order to change the opinions of the weak is to give real life examples where your solution works better than their twisted idea.

I know it.s hard sometimes to explain the seemingly obvious, but after pondering your dilemma for 49 seconds, I came up with the following indisputable arguments for front-rolled toilet paper:

Physics of resistance — It is much easier to snap toilet paper with the flick of a wrist when it’s front-rolled as there will be resistance when the paper is brought up to 63-degree angel. A back-rolled paper will have turn for at least ¾ of a lap before reaching the snapping angle, but by that time the roll will have momentum, and will simply keep spinning.

1. Toilet art — Nothing is nastier than finding am offensive message written (or a “you are sitting on a bomb message”) on the paper after you have sat yourself down. At least with front-rolled paper you have a chance to catch it because it’s right there, but with back-rolled paper you don’t stand a chance — ever!
2. The fold — Has your wife ever stayed at a fancy hotel? After the cleaning ladies are done with your room they always fold your toilet paper in to a nice triangle in the front — yes, in the front! In many East European hotels they also place a nice piece of beef jerky in to the fold… How would that be possible if the paper went done the back?
3. Science — Ask your wife to show you a toilet paper holder with a built in toilet paper cutter that works with paper coming down the back…
4. Beauty — I know you live in Wyoming… but when you travel, you will discover that some toilet paper has designs on them… How are you supposed to see these designs if the paper hangs down behind the roll?

I’m sure my above points will help your wife see it your way… If she doesn’t: use a box of Kleenex instead! So much softer… and you can justify the extra cost by the fact that you are saving a marriage!

As for those fancy Japanese washer/dryer toilets: I wouldn’t bother… You can’t even sit down and have a nice fondue because the toilet’s compressed air will blow out the flame on the heater! I’m sure it will work nicely if you enjoy Sushi, but if a warm meal is must… Forget about it!

Your marriage can survive!

- Dog

Have you ever noticed that men like deli meats more than women do? I have this theory that nitrates, of which deli meats are an excellent source, are essential to male health. I can’t prove it other than noting that men get really irritable when they have not had sufficient amounts of beef jerky, salami, kielbasa, or pepperoni in their diets.

Recently my wife read that nitrates cause cancer. Since then, for the good of our family’s health, she has banned deli meats from our house. To keep the peace I reluctantly agreed I would not sneak any. It has been a week and I’m getting very irritable. I’m afraid that with this pent up rage I might hurt my family who I love dearly.

Do you think it is okay for me to break my promise to my wife?

You obviously haven’t been married very long… and that’s ok… You have to learn eventually: a lie is not a lie when it retains a married man’s sanity!

Yes, I can hereby confirm that your intuition about the importance of meat in a man’s diet is correct! It’s not the nitrates, but the meat itself. Nitrates simply make it easier for men to survive in this industrialized age. Just as vacuum cleaners make it easier for women.

Instead of feeling guilt, you should go ahead and create your own “stash” where you can hide your meat, just as your forefathers have done before you. I have some pointers that will help you get going:

1. Location — Where does you wife never go? The generic places: gym bag, workbench, attic, smelly part of the garage, crawlspace under the house, and the box in the basement that contains your old Heavy Metal albums. I’m sure you can think of places that pertain to your unique situation.
2. Meat — The choice of meat is extremely important! Never acquire meat that rot, or spoil easily. Here are some safe bets: different kinds of jerky, Hungarian and German salamis, Italian and French cured hams, and if cost is an issue: canned meats. 

    

   For those times when you want to treat yourself to something really nice: Bruzzese, Calabrese, Prosciutto and Lyon sausage. If vacuumed sealed, and kept even slightly cooled, they stay edible for months on end!If you crave something hot once in a while: Pancetta (thinly sliced, salty Italian bacon.) Apply a blowtorch to some of these babies for a couple of seconds and you will have a feast fit for a king! 

3. Timing — Easy! Whenever your wife hits the door — you hit the meat supply! Another solution is to start a never-ending home improvement project near your “stash”. Whenever you get the urge — go and “work” on your project. Not only will you get your meat fix, your wife will love you for it!
4. Conduct — If she smells the meat on your breath, discovers grease stains on your clothes, or finds an old shrivelled up sausage: Deny, deny and deny!

- Dog

I have a huge crush on a man I work with. He flirts with me too… Is it a mistake to get involved with a co-worker?

A lot of people find their partners in a work environment… Finding something good can never be a “mistake”… If you are both free and single, why not go for it?

The only way I can see that it could turn sour is if there would become a conflict of interest at your workplace because of your relationship. If he is your manager, or you are his boss for that matter, it could turn pretty nasty with the other people at the office. Sharing the same bed can easily be perceived as favouritism.

If you only go at it at work, and you are both work with garbage pick-up… Hmmm… It could end being a sticky mess…

How about at if you keep it strictly professional at work, and when you are home — go at it like crazed monkeys!

- Dog

I’m 18-year-old guy who is dating a girl with the weirdest quirk — whenever we are together she calls me “Pitt” and insists that I call her “Jolie”. Pitt and Jolie is of course the Hollywood couple, Brad and Angelina..

I have told her many times that I don’t feel comfortable playing this game, as I’m not a huge fan of his. She still insists! Wouldn’t it be fairer if we got to pick our own names?

I would’t mind being “Schwarzenegger” once in a while… and if she wanted to be “Pitt” herself — so be it!

What do I do about my Hollywood dating situation?

Ok, this brings hellish imagery to mind! You need to lighten up about not wanting to play the part because you are not a fan. You are not trying to score an Oscar — only score!

Playing the part will also help at least your girlfriend avoid costly psychotherapy in the future. Listen to your girlfriend, keep your mouth shut, and thank your lucky star!

I’m going to have a drink now.

- Dog

Our family Chihuahua “Elzie” had puppies a week ago, and they are adorable! Unfortunately we can’t keep any of them, as we have our hands full with “Elzie”.

At a family meeting we decided to sell them, or if worse comes to worse — give them away. The kids are not happy about us getting rid of the puppies, but they realize it would be too much work to keep them.

What we can’t agree on; is how much we should charge for the puppies, and who should get the money. My husband claims that he should have all of it, as he was the one that turned his back on our neighbour’s Rottweiler. I hardly think that’s fair, as he didn’t have any part of the “mating” — he was merely getting himself a beer.

I’m the one doing all the work taking care of the puppies, and tending to our shell-shocked “Elzie”. The kids think we should all share in the profits because it’s “family money”, generated by a family resource…

Who should get the money for the puppies?

Why not spend whatever you get for the puppies on “Elzie”? The dog is the one that has done all the work… and she will probably end up needing some doggy counselling for the trauma she has gone through. Your “Elzie” could have easily ended up being an afternoon snack instead of having puppies.

In general I don’t think there are any large sums of money involved here. I would think that the market for a Chihuahua-Rottweiler mix is quite limited, unless they grow to the size of Chihuahuas but get the maiming power of Rottweilers.

You would probably be looking at more money had the “mating” been caught on tape… Perhaps not for one of those “Funniest Home Videos” shows, but I’m sure the FOX Network would have found a use for it.

- Dog

My girlfriend is obsessive-compulsive when it comes to cleaning. In our apartment I don’t mind it as much, as I don’t need to pick up after myself. But she also goes out on the town to clean public bathrooms, which I find a bit disturbing. She justifies her public cleaning sprees by saying that she is only doing it to beautify our town.

Recently she has also started frequenting truck stops at all hours of the day! She apparently thinks the bathrooms there are more of a challenge for her… Not only do I find this extremely revolting, but I’m also concerned about her safety. Heading out to clean a truck stop at 4 in the morning is hardly what one would call a safe hobby.

I can’t make her see that she has “issues”…

How do I stop this obsessive-compulsive cleaning madness before she gets hurt?

You did mention that you don’t mind your girlfriend doing it in your own apartment, so why not keep her busy there? If you keep her occupied enough at home, she won’t need to, or have the time to go out on the town or visit truck stops.

I do realize it would be a lot of work to stay ahead of her, even if you were extra messy on purpose. A man can only make so much of a mess in a day… You can’t challenge her by merely leaving your socks lying around, dumping dirty dishes on the kitchen counter, or eating chips in bed. If you want to keep your girlfriend at home, you have to bring yourself to think bigger!

I recommend smearing your couches in 6 or 7 pounds of Vaseline… This should keep her busy for at least a couple of weeks. When she is done with the couch, go after the linens, towels, clothes, carpets and windows.

Use your imagination!

- Dog

A couple of weeks ago my 6-year-old daughter’s bunny “Emmy” died on us. Knowing that my daughter would be devastated, I replaced it with a new one before she noticed it being dead. At the time I couldn’t get hold of a white one, so the bunny “changed” colour from white to black. I told her that it happens with rabbits some times…

Well, a couple of days a go the new “Emmy” suddenly died too, and I replaced it again, this time for a hamster as the pet store in our small town were out of bunnies. I rationalized the visual differences by saying that the bunny had shrunk a little bit…

I thought the story would end there, but now kids in the neighbourhood have started bullying my daughter because she keeps calling her hamster — a rabbit…

I’m caught in a web of lies and don’t know how to get out of it. Loosing my daughter’s trust because of my lies would be devastating. I also need to something about the bullying, but what?

Can you please help me with my pet problem?

Your actions are perfectly understandable. No one wants to see his or her child heartbroken. However, she can’t be going around calling it a rabbit, when it clearly is not… People will start thinking that she’s mentally unstable.

Sit your daughter down and tell her the “truth…” Admit that you have lied to her… but tell her that “Emmy” has been a hamster all along! I’m sure your daughter will love “Emmy” as a hamster, as much as when it was a rabbit. This way “Emmy” still lives — your daughter doesn’t get hurt, and you will save a bundle over the next couple of years buying hamsters instead of rabbits!

Next time, don’t lie to your kids unless you have a back-up plan. Lies should be like a finely spun yarn, which is easily rolled up in a ball — not a web of thoughtless absurdity.

- Dog

I have a problem with my girlfriend’s parrot; or rather I have a problem with what he says…

Talking parrots are normally considered cute or funny, but hers freaks me out! Not only that, the damn bird only shoots his mouth off when I’m alone with. It also must have a built-in radar or something, as it doesn’t talk when I have a tape recorder nearby! My girlfriend thinks I’m crazy, but I’m not. What’s even more crazy and frightening though are the things he says:

• “Oh! My God… I have syphilis?”
• “Erica, he doesn’t fit in the suitcase… Straighten his leg out and I’ll chop it off with the machete…”
• “That’s right, I only charge hundred bucks for my regulars…”
• “Jesus, yours is the same size and shape as a bowling pin…”
• “Deal! $30,000 for the sex-change sounds fair enough…”

As you can see… this kinds of talk would make anyone nervous! I love my girlfriend but the parrot has made me question what kind of girl she really is.

Is it possible that my girlfriend’s parrot is just talking crazy?

Are you going to let a bird with a slightly higher IQ than a meatloaf, ruin the beautiful thing you have created with your girlfriend? Don’t you think that’s a bit of an overreaction? I think so…

I wouldn’t worry about it too much. If you spend some time with her parrot, I’m sure he will have some nice things to say about her as well. We all have skeletons in our closet… some even have skeletons in suitcases, hidden in our closet!

- Dog

I have never liked my girlfriend’s Pit Bull, Dahmer. But lately my dislike has turned in to unadulterated fear. The dog is not right in the head… It now follows me everywhere around the house and watches my every move.

Whatever I do, it sits there and stares as me with his small red eyes, licking his chops. I seriously think he is waiting for an opportunity to attack me. My girlfriend keep reassuring me that Dahmer is only being affectionate, and loves me, but I’m not buying it!

The damn Pit Bull is always there… Even when we get “romantic” I can feel his eyes starring at me from the foot of the bed.

Should I make her choose between the dog and me?

I can think of another option: protect yourself! You are correct! Her dog is simply waiting for the perfect moment to attack you! He’s waiting for the most opportune moment to deliver lethal damage with the first bite!

It’s clearly you or the dog… Why not take Dahmer for a walk and have a little accident? I see from you email that you from Alaska, so why cover him in honey and take him out in bear country? Pit Bulls are more “animal” than “dog” so it would simply be nature restoring its equilibrium with the help of a Grizzly Bear. No big deal.

- Dog

My wife is infatuated with Dr. Phil. She watches him religiously and buys all his stupid books. She spends several hours each day on the Dr. Phil website. She even wears an “I love Dr. Phil” t-shirt — sometimes she even wears it to bed!

When I get home from work she insists on telling me what was on the show even though I insist I’m not interested. It is embarrassing to be anywhere with her because, at any opportunity, she’ll tell strangers what Dr. Phil would likely say about their behaviour.

What can I do about my wife and Dr. Phil?

These Dr. Phil obsessions are extremely destructive to men everywhere! His TV show affects the lives of men on so many levels… Some of the changes are so subtle that men don’t always notice them until it’s too late… I have had men write to me that they have stopped leaving dirty dishes in the sink and that they never leave their dirty socks and underwear on the bedroom floor anymore. Some don’t even leave empty beer bottles on the kitchen counter, in the bathroom or all over the den any more. And they don’t even know when or why the started cleaning up after themselves! That’s Dr. Phil’s witchcraft put to work for you!

Dr. Phil teaching women how to manipulate their husbands and boyfriends is sick and perverted in my most humble opinion. Life should be lived, faults and all! Messing up, and having one disaster after another is what makes us human — and men! What’s the point of having a wife or a girlfriend if they aren’t predictable and do what they are told?

Option number 1 — Shave your head, wear a cowboy hat and talk dirty to her in a Texan accent while you do things do things to her that only German fetish couples did in early 1970s fetish films… This might confuse and slow her down a little bit.

Option number 2 — Divorce her and instead find a big-breasted nymphomaniac with a slutty contortionist twin sister, who is obsessed with the Jerry Springer Show.

- Dog