Ask Dog

My problem might seem trivial to you, but I’m hoping that you will be able to dig deep and find me a solution, as it’s about to ruin my 5-year-old marriage. My wife and I have always discussed and compromised about everything that goes on in our lives, until recently…

All of a sudden my wife has taken over the bedroom, and she rules it with an iron fist, and it’s scaring me! I don’t mind her passion for home decorating in general, but I simply can’t sleep on pink sheets… Every other night I wake up in a cold sweat while screaming my head off… It’s exhausting!

Our bed linens used to come in all kinds of colours but it’s all pink now. Apparently one of those home-decorating shows inspired her to “design”. Well, it’s not working for me, and I can’t go on much longer without sleeping properly.

How do I get my bedroom back from her?

Unfortunately there’s nothing much you can do about the linens. You might find consolation in the fact that a major change of bed linens is inevitable every 5 years or so. With some luck you don’t need to sleep on “pink” in a couple of years.

Meanwhile, the only thing you can really do is to change the way you perceive colour… This can be done using poor quality sunglasses or drugs (talk to you doctor). Viagra might be an option as it causes temporary colour-blindness in some men. In fact, if you use Viagra regularly you might even wear out the bed linens quicker than normal!

Another idea would be to have an “accident” while washing them… A dozen brand-new deep-blue socks placed in the laundry together with the linens might turn them purple… But I’m not sure if purple would be any easier on you as some men find this colour offensive as well… Do be warned that a major laundry incident such as this might result in a severe beating from your wife!

- Dog

I received an email that offered an indecent proposal. It said I could be getting rich by installing hidden webcams in my home and let Internet voyeurs watch my wife’s private moments. Is this a legitimate business proposal?

If I do this, what should I tell my wife if she finds one those cameras?

I’m sure it’s a legitimate business proposal, but I’m not positive it’s completely legal in the country and state where you reside.

You might want to check with your lawyer before installing anything. It’s also important to note that their claims on how much money you can make are in fact exaggerated. The only ones that make money in the $10.000 range every month are the husbands who have wives that are really naughty (in demand for self gratification purposes), or clinically insane (watched for the entertainment value).

If you wife mainly spends her day eating pancakes and watching Oprah, you will barely make enough to cover the rental of the webcams. You could however manipulate her life, and make it more exciting for viewers by sending over scantily clad delivery men, big hairy plumbers and really handsome Jehovah’s witnesses to the house, and see what happens… An other alternative is to plant some “accidents” — washing machines flooding the basement, toasters catching fire, and exploding TVs and so on.

Another thing to consider is fame the fame aspect… It’s not all that easy to handle fame, especially when you don’t know that you are famous. Also, I’m sure you wife would become suspicious if total strangers started asking for her autograph in the grocery store, or simply congratulating her on her choice of butt tattoos. etc.

Most womem aren’t all that technically inclined, and I’m sure very few are able to tell the difference between a webcam and a “Neon Neutralizer Unit (NNU)”, “Klingon Vaporizer Unit (KVU)” or an “Air Molecule Fertilizer Unit (AMFU)”. In another word — LIE — if she happens to find a webcam.

- Dog

I have a silly sense of humour. When courting, my wife used to be amused and even attracted to my humour. Now after 18 years of marriage she finds my silliness immature and embarrassing. I’ve tried to tone it done for her but I’m afraid in doing so I’m losing my sense of identity.

I feel disconnected from the world and other people. I don’t know if I can continue living like this.

Should I leave my wife and join a circus or something?

No, you don’t need to leave your wife for the circus. When you can’t express yourself at home, you have to do what men have been doing for ages — start entertaining other people!

A friend of mine was in the same situation as you, and came up with a brilliant idea that you can use as well. Here’s the thing: the problem with forcing yourself on strangers is that they will simply walk away if they don’t enjoy your shenanigans. However, if you have a captured audience you may go as nuts as you wish… and they will stay put!

So where are the best captured audiences? Well, my friend swears by laundromats! These establishments are cheap, clean and warm, and there’s always a good turnaround on people. He brings a couple of old towels and “washes” these while spreading his joy to everyone. If you don’t like the idea of spending money so that you may exercise your God given gift of being funny… Consider these free alternatives:

Public bathrooms — Occupy a stall and wait for someone to sit down in the stall next to you. If you time the start of your comedic delivery really well, you will have at least one person’s full attention for a couple of minutes!

Bus stops — This is another classic! People will stay put because they will need to get on that bus… If you have access to a busy bus stop in a large metropolitan area, you will have a fresh crowd of hundreds every 15 minutes or so.

Government offices — What do these establishments have in common? They move slowly… The driver’s license bureau, immigration office and unemployment office are guaranteed to always have large crowds people that need some cheering up!

I’m sure you can also think of other places as well if you use your imagination a little bit!

- Dog

My mother-in-law is the spawn of Satan. Of course I knew it before I married my wife, but I never thought it would be this bad. The old witch is always trying to turn my wife against me.

Now she has started complaining about by drinking! I love my beer…

What can I do about my evil mother-in-law and my beer?

Acting like the spawn of Satan is unfortunately part of the job description of mother-in-laws everywhere. Unfortunately the harassment will not end until she “kicks the bucket…” And I hate to be then one to tell you this, but your wife will try to continue her work, if you allow it happen… As you have seen, it has already started for you!

No man shouldn’t have to suffer the pain and humiliation you are going through: beer is vital for the well being of real men.

My advice to you is to never buy beer by the case, as this will enable people to see how much you are drinking, based one the number of bottles or cans they have to clean up. The keg was invented so that wives and mother-in-laws won’t be able to tell how much beer is consumed.

Abusive comments such as, “The fat lazy stupid bastard drank 23 beers again today” will be a thing of the past with a 500-gallon kegs in the basement.

- Dog

Is it normal for men to be in to pornography? Even when they are with a beautiful woman?

All men are not in to pornography… Some have wild and vivid imaginations and can picture naked women in their bowl of cornflakes, cracks in the asphalt and in the way the fur runs down the back of African wild life… Again — all men don’t need it!

No matter how beautiful you are, how good you are at swinging from chandeliers or how well you can steam an asparagus — as long as a man is breathing, he is also looking and thinking…

Some men over indulge… Be it with women, food or with those educational (but time consuming) Egyptology documentaries on the Discovery channel. Some men might require psychological counselling to get back on the right track. If he chooses to sit in from of the TV and watch the excavation of a tomb of an unnamed servant of King Tut, instead of covering you in maple syrup: lovingly suggest therapy for him.

 - Dog

Okay, I really like this guy; he’s my brother’s best friend… I don’t know if he likes me back or if I’m just the little sister?

Based on the way your formulated your question, and that you even asked it in the first place… I would have to say that you would get hurt if he decided to “like you” in any other way than as a “little sister”.

Play with guys your own age and you are less likely to get hurt.

- Dog

I’m a 18-year-old girl and there is a guy at school that I am fond of. I’ve tried to tell him how I feel but he just ignores me. Lately I’ve noticed he seems more interested in boys than girls…

Is there a way to tell if a guy is gay?

No, you can’t tell with 100% certainty if a guy is gay or not… That’s like trying to tell if someone is a redneck based on the flatbed truck a person drives… Ok, bad example…

However, the good news is that you can tell if he’s straight… but only if…

1. He has a poster of Charlize Theron on the wall in his bedroom, and you can tell that his been taken down and put up, time and time again…
2. He secretly watches figure skating: but only the women’s individual competition…
3. He has never eaten a banana in public…
4. He can’t move his eyes away from woman’s chest region for more than a couple of seconds in a really cold room…
5. His “special” magazine collection is hidden so well that only his mother knows where it is…
6. He can without any effort decipher a scrambled cable channel using only his mind…
7. He buys you an ice cream cone every time you go out, even though it’s December and you are on the North Pole…

- Dog

Ugh… Where do I begin? Well, when you’re single you feel ten times more single, which sucks big time! My significant other is away in another country, and I feel so far away from him, if not for the distance, but for the fact that everyone else is together.

I miss him so much and I don’t know whether to look for someone else or whether to just swear guys off in general. They suck!

I’m not quite ready to turn to girls, or anything like that. I just can’t get over the simple fact that the majority of the “things” out there with penises suck… They do!

Why do guys suck?

Eating tacos will not fill you up when you crave when crave a big fat pizza…

Enough about “food”… and on to guys, and why they “suck”. It’s simply because Mother Nature wanted her girls to work for it! You will never find an amazing guy — you have to make one! All the guys that shine above the rest weren’t born that way… It’s years of polishing, and training by an amazing woman that made them that way.

Instead of looking for “perfect” — look for good source material instead. It’s all sweat from there on… The more work you put in to it, the better the end result will be!

As to your situation and why you feel the way you do: you are simply sexually frustrated… See if you can find a garden gnome to sit on!

- Dog

My boyfriend and I just broke up because of his lying friend! I tried everything to make him believe me but he keeps saying his friend would never lie to him!

I want him back so bad but sometimes I feel like he doesn’t even care about my feelings anymore! How do I get my boyfriend back and get him to believe me?

Weak people look for excuses so they can do what they want to do. The pathetic ones blame or point to someone else, so they can do what they want to do…

Is it worth investing time in someone who is weak or pathetic?

If not — move on!

If yes — talk to him one last time… and then move on!

There’s no accidental biting when it comes to “dogs”. There’s always a reason, no matter irrational or psychotic it may be… No matter how much you work on that behaviour, there will never be 100% trust anymore. Sometimes it’s better to late the crazed one go live on a farm somewhere, and finding yourself a new one instead.

- Dog

My boyfriend and me never fight, but whenever I have a couple of drinks I get angry whenever he ignores me. At a big party last night I got drunk and broke a glass dish containing sour cream and caviar, over his head.

How can I get him to pay attention to me when we go out?

You couldn’t even get his attention when smashing a glass dish over his head? I believe you must be incredibly annoying when you guys go out — or at least when you drink.

It is possible that your boyfriend he has perfected his “being” so he can simply ignore you, just as married men can tolerate (zone out) the nagging of their wives? It’s almost unheard of for it to happen before marriage, and that doesn’t bode well for the future of your relationship…

The clue here is that you never fight unless you get drunk… Perhaps you shouldn’t drink at all? Any woman that wastes perfectly good caviar is not right in the head, in my not so humble opinion. Stay off the sauce, and step away from the caviar next time!

Sacrilegious fish roe spoiler!

- Dog