Ask Dog

I have finally found a girl, which I can call a girlfriend, but I don’t know anything about kissing! I really don’t want to mess this one up.

How do I kiss my girlfriend right?

Kissing is like eating spaghetti, but not as messy (unless you want it to be…) As when learning to eat spaghetti: a little bit at a time until you get the hang of it, is the way to go!

When you become proficient in either art, you can easily take big mouthfuls without dribbling down your chin.

- Dog

I have been going out with someone for about a year, and I just broke up with this boyfriend. It’s been a couple of days now…

Why do I feel sick after breaking up with my boyfriend?

It can be any number of things. If you feel physically ill: see a doctor! On the other hand, if you “fell sick” as in “emotionally miserable” — give it time! When you dump off heavy baggage it takes some time before your back straightens out again…

An other alternative is that you are feeble-minded and enjoy wallowing in misery.

- Dog

My daughter is 48 years old and on her 4th. marriage. She is always looking for husbands that are wealthy. The first and the second man she married and divorced when they lost their money. The third one she moved to live with… And at the same time she abandoned her three teenage children to fend for themselves in her house. He married her when he discovered he had a brain tumour.

When he died she went to live with a psychiatrist with money. She moved in with him after knowing him for only 3 months!

Each time she has a man she cuts her family off. With the second one we did not hear from her for over 3 years! When I pointed out the error of her ways she told me not to contact her ever again.

Should I forget about my daughter and  her husband hunting ways?

The only good news here is that she is now living with a psychiatrist and she might finally get the help and counselling she clearly needs…

Your daughter is 48 years old, and obviously a bit “nutty” and I doubt she will be changing her merry ways anytime soon.

Instead of obsessing about things out of you control — why not instead enjoy your grandchildren and the Florida sun? Make yourself a Margarita and read good book whenever thoughts about your daughter start bogging you down.

I’m sure she will one day come crawling back to her family… Crap on her then.

- Dog

Why do people who don’t have any reasons tell me lies about my boyfriend?

It happens when people are jealous…

However, it’s also possible that people are actually telling you the truth and are trying to help you. Perhaps it’s just that you are too emotionally involved or stupid to listen, or care — until it’s too late!

Ask yourself this question: “Am I stupid or too emotional to think clearly?”, then act accordinly.

- Dog

Can I hypnotize a girl to fall in love with me? Will she know I did it?

There’s this girl in school that I really like but she won’t give me the time of day… I thought this hypnosis business might do the trick?

No, you can’t hypnotize anyone to fall in love with you. Hypnosis can only be used to help a person feel comfortable enough to act in ways they are already willing, but unable to do. You can through hypnosis alleviate a person’s nervousness, anxiousness, fears etc.

Start learning hypnosis now, and maybe in the future you will have an “in” by being able to help her quit smoking, or curing an irrational fear of Styrofoam cups or something?

If it were possible for men to hypnotize women that easily, there would be no nagging, towel shopping, frozen leftovers, scrambled TV channels, minivans, light beer, Christmas with nutty in-laws, taking out garbage early in the morning or untimely headaches…

Now watch your middle finger… You are feeling sleepy… sleeeepy… sleeeeeeeep…

- Dog

I’m a 19-year-old guy who has a difficult time with women. I can never get their attention, not even a look! People talk about “flirting” but I have no idea what that means…

How do I flirt?

How do I get a woman’s attention?

Getting the attention of women is quite easy… You simply have to dare to be noticed! Here are some foolproof ideas:

1. Smile and lick an eyebrow… Can be done anywhere where there are females present!
2. When your Ferrari is dirty: lick it clean… Best done on a really busy street!
3. Pick up a quarter from you wallet using only your tongue… Comes in hand every time you need to pay for something!
4. Get a horseshoe-sized stud in your tongue and act like it doesn’t bother you… Works like a charm with girls who think a humongous piercing is “the coolest thing ever!”
5. French kiss some iceberg lettuce at the grocery store… Yes, you can impress women even when doing mundane chores such as buying groceries!
6. Continuously lick your lips like you have just have had a margarita…. Keep your lips moist and attractive when talking to women!
7. “Accidentally” get some honey on your back, and lick it off… Best done indoors because of bees and other nasty flying insects!
8. Lick stamps for people at the post office… Not only do you get to meet a lot of people (women) and help out in your community, but you also get to showcase your talent!
9. Get “caught” licking the insides of a 32 oz mayonnaise jar… A jar can be brought anywhere. However, make sure it’s almost empty because mayonnaise is quite filling!
10. Give a really bad guy a really good licking… As this can be hazardous to your health, have a helpful friend play the part of the bad guy.
11. Buy a huge ice cream cone and spend 5 hours eating it somewhere hot, and public… Nothing says “look at me” more than vanilla ice cream dripping down you arm!
12. Show that you are an animal lover by licking clean a cat… However, do make sure beforehand that you are not allergic so you won’t go in to septic shock!
13. Practice licking the labels off of beer bottles… This is a classic party trick that’s always sure to impress!
14. Perform Swahili tongue chanting at parties, bars and nightclubs… A man that can make shrill sounds using his tongue can surely accomplish anything!
15. Lick a lamppost at minus 20 degrees Celsius and wait from someone to come and rescue you… Make sure you do it somewhere where people can actually find you!

Good lick!

- Dog

I’m in love my English teacher, Ms. Alexander. She drives me nuts to say the least! When I’m in her class I can’t concentrate, and I always feel awkward and out of place. I want to tell her how I feel but I’m afraid she will frown upon our age difference — I’m 16 and she’s 39…

Do you think we could have a relationship despite our age difference?

You know when you were around the age of 7 and absolutely had to have one of those scale model kits that were recommended for kids 12 and up? Do you remember how much you cried and begged before your parents bought one; even though they knew it was too complicated for you? Do you recall how confusing the model was once got you got your hands on it? I’m sure you haven’t forgotten that your dad ended up building it for you?

You are in a similar situation with your English teacher, but crying and begging will not work here! And I’m sure your dad won’t be quite as willing lend you a helping hand with something like this… A relationship with Ms. Alexander would be a bit more complex than putting together a scale model kit.

Why put your efforts in to something more age appropriate? Something you can figure out on you own? It will save you a lot of time, and unnecessary pain and agony…

- Dog

What to do when your parents don’t like any of your boyfriends? I’m a 16-year-old girl who has brought home 5 boyfriends only to suffer the wrath of my parents for each and every one! They have found something wrong with all of them, and deemed each “no good” for me.

Their excuses and explanations are pathetic, perhaps even bordering on paranoia! Here are some of their remarks:

1. Nigel — Too much eyeliner, and his green hair combined with black clothing and lipstick makes him look like a traffic light, or some cotton candy gone bad.
2. Frank –– They didn’t like the way he talked! No, he was not being rude… it was actually his voice they didn’t like. He tried to explain to them that he had gotten his tongue pierced and it had become infected and swollen, but they didn’t even try to understand.
3. Timmy — Age shouldn’t me an issue in this day and age, should it? This guy is the nicest retired buss driver I have ever dated, but apparently he was not good enough for me either.
4. Skull — Was too honest apparently… He admitted to being arrested 18 times for “breaking and entering…” And my parents held that against him even though he has been going straight for over two weeks!
5. Roger — They didn’t like him because he had a bit of a hangover, and throw up in the kitchen sink.

As you can see, they even hold temporary illnesses against them!

I’m at a loss, and don’t know where to go from here! The only thing I have figured I should do differently from now on, is not to bring all my boyfriends home at the same time, but I doubt that will help either…

Why doesn’t my parents like any of my boyfriends?

Parents can be very protective when it comes to their children…

You have the right idea though… bringing home a bunch of guys all at once can get a bit overwhelming. One guy at a time is definitely the way to go! The trick to parental acceptance is not to find the perfect “boyfriend” but to find one that was better than the last… If you start really low, it will be very easy to top the last guy!

Here’s an idea: Bring home the biggest meathead you can find… and allow him to make a total arse out of himself… If you can make him throw up in the sink, eat your mother’s favorites plants, and accidentally back over the family cat — perfect! The next guy you bring home will be a prince in comparison!

- Dog

My wife is obsessed about me trying Viagra even though I don’t need it. I have tried talking to her about it, but she is adamant… In all honesty, I can’t see why she would insist? There’s hardly anywhere to go from “where I am” right now… I’m not suffering from erectile dysfunction — no way!

It almost seems like there are other reasons than making me a better (harder?) lover… But I can’t see what they would be?

Shoud I take Viagra just because my wife wants it?

If you don’t want to take Viagra, don’t let you wife force you! If your wife really needs a new stepladder — why not just buy her one? It will be much cheaper in the long run, and it will be less demeaning to you as well! Also, there are many ways an old shed can be taken down. Viagra might seem like the miracle solution, however, using a sledgehammer is probably more effective, and cheaper too! You are also guaranteed to get fewer splinters, using the right “tool”.

If it’s that important too her… fake it! How is she supposed to know if you are on the pill or not? A tip! Viagra causes temporary colour blindness is some men… Faking not seeing red and green shouldn’t require and Oscar performance!

- Dog

I need help! I’m in love with this guy Zac. The thing is that he broke up with me when he went to Iraq, and I started dating his cousin Jon instead. I haven’t told Zac that Jon and I have been dating.

How do I let Jon know that I still love Zac, and how do I let Zac know I have been dating Jon?

Can you help me with my ex-boyfriend and cousin dating blunder?

If aliens abduct Jon you won’t need to tell anyone a thing! But the likelihood of that happening is rather slim… Your only option is to spill the beans, and let them fall wherever they may in your trailer.

There’s no pretty way out of this one, and when all is said done, you will probably end up looking for a Bob or a Steve instead. And do make sure the next guy is not a relative of Zac, Jon or yourself! Much easier that way!

This won’t go away by praying for God or aliens to come to your rescue…

As a side note: isn’t it possible that you are confusing the terms ”dating” and “screwing”?

- Dog