Ask Dog

What do you think about my boyfriend smoking even though I hate it?

What I think? In general: nothing much is better than a good Cuban cigar, or some great pipe tobacco… But yes, unfortunately it’s bad for you and it stinks, so I try not to smoke too often.

To your situation specifically: he’s obviously satisfying you in bed as he’s still your boyfriend, even though you hate him smoking. Quit your whining and make up your mind about what you want — or what you can give up.

It’s easy.

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- Dog

I’m in a truly complicated situation, and I have no idea how to approach it.

I’m in love with Michael who is in love with Annie, who in turn is madly in love with Pete who in turn loves Sara. To add another kink to this odd chain of love: Sara is smitten with me!

I’m not sure how to get Michael let Sara down without causing her undue grief at the same time…

Can you help me sort out this mad and twisted love-soap?

It’s not really all that complicated. To break a chain you need to find the weakest link… and perhaps it’s you, as you are the one obsessing about this?

I wouldn’t normally help someone break anything, but the chain you described is not a very productive one as everyone is miserable. Sometimes it’s easier to take something down and build it up from scratch than trying to fix an all-together crooked thing…

This is what you can do to end the madness:

Make good friends with Sara but without being “that” kind of good… Sara must see you as a good friend only… However, your friendship has to be good enough so that Pete and everyone else thinks you ladies are more than really good friends… This will break the link between you and Sara and between Pete and her, in one shot! In fact the whole chain will start falling apart at this point, as their love interest are no longer “there”.

When the chain is in pieces, approach Michael… Who will find (like any man on the planet would) it really exciting that that you and Sara are more than really good friends, and that he is being invited to be more than a really good friend to both of you! That’s your “in” and you just have to make it work from there…

You are welcome!

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- Dog

My best friend of 5 years keeps flirting with me, but when I ask him out he always turns me down. He says he only thinks of me as a friend.

I really love him and he knows it. On many occasion I have told him not to do sweet things, as it will only make me want him even more… A few months back when I was involved with another guy, he kept asking if things have changed between us. After I broke up with the other boy, my friend asked me if I loved him…

Sometimes he is very romantic and sometimes very aloof… If he doesn’t love me as he says, then why does he care so much about how I feel for him?

If he only thinks of you as a friend… well, then you have the answer right there! So instead of continue looking at him as the cannoli, you should start consider him to be the mashed potatoes from now on. You don’t go all giddy over mashed potatoes… They are only there as a time-proven reliable condiment to what you are eating at the time.

There is a lot of great cannoli out there; you just have to find one that is right for you… Isn’t it possible that he doing “sweet things” and being “romantic” are in a mashed-potatoes-reality: “nice things” and being “friendly”?

Why not take a break for a couple of months from the mash, and eat fries and rice while looking for that perfect cannoli? With fresh, rested eyes, perhaps your favourite mashed potatoes won’t look all that appetizing any more? If he is really desperate in a few months, and really wants you: he’ll show up with his pants around his ankles — make your decision then.

Don’t waste your time on games…

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- Dog

I’ve been with this guy for almost three years — living together for over a year. He proposed at the end of November, and I said yes. I haven’t been excited about planning a wedding or building a future because my gut feeling tells me that he’s wrong for me. I was in an abusive relationship for 13 years of my life (I’m only 31 now) with a musician.

I miss the music in my life. I’ve taken up guitar, but it’s not the same. My fiancé is completely the opposite of my ex. I recently watched this band, and I’ve got a crush on a guy in the band. I can’t seem to stop thinking about him!

What is going on? I’m supposed to be getting married…

Is this telling me something? Should I risk losing my “nice guy” to take a chance on what is missing in my life: the musician lifestyle?

How do I know if I’m marrying the right guy?

The leap from “missing music in your life” to wanting to bed a musician is hardly logical… It’s actually kind of frightening to hear something as silly and immature coming from a 31-year-old… You should know better by now.

You ask: “Should I risk losing my ‘nice guy’ to take a chance on what is missing in my life — the musician lifestyle?” According to my math you were in an abusive relationship from age 15 to 28 with a musician… You are out of it for three years with a ‘nice guy’ who is committed to you, and now you want to get back in to the same kind of “environment” you were abused in?

There are a couple possibilities here. In the order of likelihood:

1. You have psychological issues from your abuse, which requires professional counselling…
2. You are incredibly stupid and immature…
3. You have pre-marital jitters…

What you should do is to go in to some form of therapy with your fiancé… I have no idea if your current relationship is right for you or not, and you obviously have even less of a clue of what is going on… But abandoning something potentially amazingly good for you, because you go “frothy Margarita” over musicians is not very smart — at all… And that’s putting it very nicely!

You need professional counselling!

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- Dog

My girlfriend has met this guy Thomas through an online dating service, and she says that he’s the most wonderful man she has ever dated. The thing is that when she described him to me, alarm bells starting going off in my head…

He claims to be a doctor of some sort, but he drives a rusty old Ford Escort with a Garfield plush toy stuck to the back window! He doesn’t own a suit, drinks beer only, and doesn’t know the difference between a knife and a spoon. This guy even insists that she pays for the dinners, movies, contraceptives, and his parking tickets…

It doesn’t make any sense… I believe he is a fraud!

I’m finally going to meet him next week and I want prove my suspicions to my girlfriend but I’m not sure how.

How do I show her that he is not a real doctor?

There are many kinds of doctors… Perhaps he is not a medical doctor, but a doctor of mathematics, or literature? This could explain the Garfield plush toy and why he never has any money for dinners etc. In truth, this is the millennium of equality; and we all are guilty of poor taste from time to time… Perhaps his shortcomings are not the end of the world? It’s not inconceivable that this might even be what makes your girlfriend attracted to him.

That said, there are no sure-fire ways to tell if he is lying or not, but there are a couple of things 99.73% of medical doctors do:

1. When writing a letter or a note he will use a ridiculous amount of exclamation marks, and also circle and underline the important parts.
2. Anyone’s visible mole or banana shaped rash has to be closely examined before any social interaction can take place.
3. Cracks jokes about stool samples after each and every bathroom visit and big meal, or when someone accidentally passes gas.

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- Dog

I’m not sure if I’m overreacting or not… I had my sister and her family visiting me over the weekend, and it was as fun as it always is, except for on small incident that was the “cork in the wine”. While they were here they used my shower, as they always do, but this time around my brother-in-law used my shower scrub — without asking!

He is a big and hairy guy, and I have no idea which part of the body he used the scrub on! I’m too embarrassed to call and find out, and I don’t want to throw the scrub out, as it’s one of the best ones I have ever owned.

I often just end up sitting in the washroom and being too afraid to use it. I can’t believe he did this to me!

Do you think it’s ok if I use it to wash myself?

Does it really matter which part of the body he used the scrub on? Would you feel better if you knew that he only used it on his back, chest or armpits? I don’t think so…

The good news is that most shower scrubs can be tossed in the washing machine, or soaked in bleach and other cleaning agents. However, even though the scrub might get completely sterilized — you will always know that someone else has used it. Are you strong enough mentally to overcome such an awful truth?

I would recommend sterilizing the scrub and storing it away. Start practicing meditation and when you have full control over your emotions: bring out your favourite scrub again! Meanwhile you just have to find another scrub, or use a washcloth. I know it’s not the solution you hoped for, but unfortunately it’s the only one I can think of.

In the future when you have visitors, lock-up everything you don’t want to have touched. It’s the only sure way to avoid these kinds of disgusting disasters.

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- Dog

Ummm… I don’t know if I feel all that comfortable posting this to a guy, but anyways… I have this boyfriend that’s sooo sweet, but I don’t like him… Well, I like him but not as much as I like this other guy who also happens to like me.

I don’t want to brake my boyfriend’s heart and at the same time I don’t want to lose the other guy who likes me!

What can I do about these two guys who both like me?

There’s a lot of “liking” going on in your neck of the woods…

I like eating smoked salmon on bagels, and sometimes I even like to enjoy them with an ice-cold Dab beer. I also like to have long hot showers, wear really expensive socks and juggle with pieces of fruit.

A year ago I tried to do all those things at once but I made such an awful mess that I’m still trying to get it cleaned up! Now I like to do those things one at a time…

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- Dog

How do you help a jealous boyfriend?

A little bit of jealousy can be a great compliment… It could mean that he doesn’t take you for granted.

However, if he’s jealousy manifests itself in such a way that he limits your ability to be yourself… Well, then he is just being a sad and pathetic human being.

Ask him straight out what he is afraid of… A straight answer will often be as pathetic as those irrational thoughts he’s having. Hopefully he will see this as well, and realize how pitiable he’s being in his insecurity.

If his jealousy manifests itself in physical violence (or threats there of) — he’s a useless, cowardly pig, and you should get as far away from him as possible.

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- Dog

I’m in love with my best friend. It gets worse. You see; I was severely paralyzed in a car accident when I was in my late teens. This friend of mine, Andre, and I had been buds since early on in high school at this point. And since the accident, we’ve become increasingly close.

Immediately following the accident, I was deeply depressed and wasn’t really interested in romance for several years. But eventually, I did start to develop attractions and even feelings for some people over the course of a few years. Eventually, while he was romantically unattached, I started to have feelings for him. Initially, I tried to fight my emotions. But no matter how much I tried, my feelings only got stronger. But I decided if anything were going to happen between us, he would have to make the first move.

So for years, I hoped and waited, until finally Andre dragged the truth out of me. His response was that if he weren’t just coming off a rough break-up, he would seriously consider my proposition. Then, months later, he told me that he had thought it over and decided that a relationship between us wouldn’t be a good idea, because he didn’t want to jeopardize the friendship. Of course, even though Andre always has told me that he doesn’t think of me as being handicapped, I can’t help but wonder if my disability doesn’t have a lot to do with his hesitation.

But I get mixed signals from him! We joke about sex almost constantly, and on several occasions, he has told me that he has been aroused by this, but then says it’s just because of the subject matter. I am one of a very few people that he talks to regularly. He calls me at least 3-5 times a week. And he has told me many times that I’m the closest person to him. When we’ve been together, our eyes have met and held each other’s gaze many times. Sometimes I can feel him staring at me, at times, while he playfully touches my arm or the part of my wheelchair near my hip.

Lately, Andre has said that he’ll try to keep an open mind about a relationship between us and make up his mind about it when he’s ready to date again (his last girlfriend messed him up pretty bad — he’s probably still in love with her). But I’m sure I talked him into keeping an open mind about us.

And now I’ve been in love with him for about a year and a half, always painfully hoping and waiting. Please help me. I don’t know what to do!

I’ve tried to convince myself that it’s never going to happen and move on. But it’s too depressing, and I always end up getting hopeful again, until I crash. Cutting him out of my life would be out of the question. I couldn’t do that to him or myself. As heart wrenching as it is to imagine not ending up with him, it is infinitely more so to imagine not having “Andre” in my life at all. I’ve tried to distract myself from my feelings, but nothing works. And although I have some friends, making new ones is practically impossible — let alone boyfriends. Most people I meet (platonically) are nice enough but only offer to stay in touch (if at all) as a gesture. I lose contact with them soon afterwards.

I feel like Andre is my only chance for a romantic relationship. But this is beside the point. I’m just trying to point out that I’ve tried everything I can think of to get my mind off this. Even if I had plenty of options, I know I’d want him. I truly feel that he is the one!

I’m not sure what I want you to say. Do you think Andre has any romantic interest in me whatsoever? If so, what should I do? Should I try to bring this out in him? How? If it’s hopeless, how do I know, and what can I do to move on?

Do you think he is my only chance for a romantic relationship?

Ohhh… Winnie The Pooh… And so many irrelevant questions and thoughts…

You measure this one guy against every one you meet for the first time? Even a sober (in his twenties) Kevin Costner would have seemed like something left on your front lawn by your neighbor’s dog when compared to God. How about some freaking perspective?

How about if this Andre is just a twisted little coward that toys with you because he needs to feel needed, and important? Find out!

Tell the guy what you want from him, and if he can’t deliver: find someone that will! But do be realistic: he can’t be your sweaty and smelly lover, innocent caregiving friend, shrink, and God all at the same time. You have to take your pick, because you can’t have it all…

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- Dog

I was wondering: how do I get a man to express more when I touch his hand or give him a hug or a kiss?

If touching his hand doesn’t work… Pick it up a level… or two… maybe even three or four!

Here’s a secret: men are the real “sluts!” There’s nothing a woman could conceive in her most sick or depraved mind that a man would find so offensive that he would leave her… “Cool! But I don’t think so…” is normally where any one man’s “offensive-act-scale” top off.

Touching his hand? Grandma does that also… Hug or a kiss? His mommy does that too…

You have to go for it: you have to at least top his grandma or mommy… Put some effort and imagination in to it and I’m sure you will get your man to “express more”.

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- Dog