Ask Dog

I’m a 22-year-old female who has just graduated from college, and I have never had a boyfriend. I have never even been kissed! I have had guys interested in me, and have been on several dates. Though they were official dates, they still never ended in a kiss. On my first date at 18, my date let me know he expected to have sex that very night, and me being a virgin, I was so terrified to hear that, that I blurted out the truth about my virginity. After that, he seemed too intimidated (and extremely surprised) by that fact to kiss me on the lips goodbye that night. He still seemed interested after that, but I became extremely self-conscious and pushed him away. I even quit my job so that I would never have to see him again.

I even once had a date where the guy came to my dorm room, where we were alone, to watch a movie. I really liked him, and was excited when he lay down on my bed, while I sat on it (it was a twin-sized bed). But he still didn’t try to put any moves on me, even when we went on a more formal movie date later on. And once, a guy asked me out for a drink at a bar, and informed me that he was “very open” about his sexuality, and explained a particular episode of sex in explicit detail. But at the end of the night, he just gave me a high-five, like I was one of the guys!

Being a 22-year-old virgin is not easy, and I generally don’t tell guys that I’m a virgin anymore. If the subject arises, I don’t ask men to elaborate nor do I offer any real information, but instead give vague responses and change the subject, trying to sound as little like a prude as possible. My whole life I have been “just one of the guys”.

I have always been the girl that guys come to with their relationship problems and open up to concerning their true feelings about their significant others. I don’t really know how I portray this image, but generally, I enjoy having such a close bond to guys. The only bad thing is, I end up being forever their best friend, and never anything more. I have been in love once, with a friend of mine, but it was complicated for him, and he couldn’t admit to returning the feelings (but he never said he didn’t have any feelings for me either).

Just once I’d like to be able to be in some sort of relationship. I’m not obsessed on dating or hung up on finding ‘the one’ just now, as I think I still have a few years left to do that. I’m not in a special hurry to lose my virginity, but I wouldn’t be adverse to losing it soon when I feel like it’s right either. I want to have an adult relationship, meaning one where both us acknowledges outwardly our feelings for each other and work at a relationship mutually. Until I do, I’ll feel like I still have a lot of growing up to do.

Why do I run away from guys who like me? Why don’t guys I like, like me back? Am I doing something wrong?

There’s nothing wrong about being selective. There are no prizes awarded, in this life or the next, for how many men a woman is able to bed. If that were the case, Paris Hilton would already be sitting in the lap of God.

You seem to be an intelligent woman, and I’m sure you will find someone that is a perfect match for you eventually. Why let superficial pressures of “having a boyfriend” make you do things that are out of character?

I think you need to learn to be clearer about what you want from guys!

It’s like when you are shopping for shoes and you see something you really like… You go after it with a cylinders firing, right? Trying them on for size and abusing them a little bit, will help you get an idea if you should invest in them or not, right? Well, do the same with guys…

- Dog

I had a second date with a guy that I really like a couple of nights ago and we ended up having sex. That’s all fine by me, but he hasn’t called for days…

Should I now consider this a one-night stand? Should I just be done with it all?

Either he is not very much of man, or he has moved on already…

In a “pink universe” he is nervous and confused, or giving you a little bit time to stew… And you will have to help him see that he needs you. A very quick and undeniably way to find out is to simply give him a call.

One phone call should make it crystal clear what the deal is with him. Sitting around idly is a waste of time. If you want something: go and get it!

As you are fine with the fact that it might have been a one-night stand should make that call very easy for you.

In general, I believe that if more women had random sex, it would help make the world a better place. Thanks for pitching in!

- Dog

I have known this guy for over 7 years and we just started dating. He lives on the West Coast and I’m in the Midwest.

The past few months he’s been busy working out of the country and we have been communicating less and less because of this. I hear from him every 2 or 3 weeks, and he says that he does miss me.

Am I a fool?

Why doesn’t he call me?

I don’t think you are fool… Pathetic perhaps, but not a fool…

Yes, getting a phone call every other week or so, is kind of weak in my most humble opinion. I would question his commitment to you if he can afford more frequent phone calls than that.

What kind of circumstances is he in? Does he have a phone readily available? If “yes” — then worry!

It’s not fair having you sitting around the phone like some kind of lovesick puppy… Ask him what the deal is! Guys are not all that great with “fluffy” questions… Ask him straight out if his boning or thinking about boning some other woman, and if that’s the reason why he’s not calling. Why don’t you all him?

Then again, if he’s “working” in war on the other side of the world… Perhaps he doesn’t have access to a phone all the time… And that woud also make you an incredibly dumb tart.

- Dog

There is this lad who I “like”, and right now we are really good friends. I think he’s ruining his life because he smokes. I went out with him a couple of times, but we ended up splitting up more or less straight away because he just wanted to stay friends.

I would like to be more with him but he doesn’t want to. He is in to drugs, and when he is high he flirts with me, but when he is not high he doesn’t really like me. I don’t even think he really likes me as a friend. It’s really upsetting me because he has changed over the past few months because of the drugs. I want to help him but I don’t know how I can…

I think our friendship is at risk…  What if he starts using even more drugs?

Drug addicts, or any kind of addicts are selfish people!

If he’s ruining his life, and you want to help him as a friend — fine! That’s very noble of you. Friends helping friends is at the top of the list when it comes to the job description for the title ‘Friend’.

However, it’s not easy to help someone beat a severe drug addiction. It often requires professional intervention. You won’t probably be able to do anything by yourself… If you truly are concerned, and you truly are a friend — you need to rally his family and friends to get him help that will make a difference.

Then again, if you are a lost puppy having some kind of romantic idea of being a saviour and a future lover… Sit idly in your wet panties and watch him destroy himself.

- Dog

How does this teenage girl know when a guy is crushing on me?

You will never, ever know; if a teenage boy has a crush on you, unless he walks up and tells you, or you walk up and tell him that you wouldn’t mind if he did…

The older you get, the more you will realize, that you have to be very specific and clear about what you want from a man-boy. Simply tell him what you want from him and ask him if he can provide it to you. It’s really that simple.

- Dog

I have a problem… I am in love with 2 people. One is my ex-boyfriend and the other is my current boyfriend. Both are really sweet and want to take care of me. I have loved my ex-boyfriend for over 2 years and I have loved my current boyfriend for a year and a half.

What do I do? Can I keep loving my boyfriend and ex-boyfriend at the same time?

They both want to “take care of you?” What are you — a puppy? Little old grandma needs help with diaper changes?

Unless the law allows for (female) polygamy in your neck of the woods, why not start sorting out what you want in life? If you are serious about one of your two boyfriends — only one of them should be standing in the end. Why don’t you decide what you want before someone else make the choice for you.

Sometimes when you rub two perfectly good sticks together for a long period of time, you will make a fire that will char both of them, and you end up with nothing.

Marrying two guys is not a realistic option — it will drive you mad! Have you seen the divorce rates lately? Heck, it’s nuts! And that’s involving only two people! Before you get excited about the prospect of marrying two guys, consider these drawbacks:

Work – Twice the amount of beer bottles, socks, and old stained t-shirts for you to clean up and wash…

Money — Two sets each of: power tools, playboy subscriptions, Laz-E-boy recliners, TV remote controls, BBQs, cigar smoking poker nights, ex-girlfriends and mistresses, cars, and the list just goes on…

Anguish — Two extremely agitated men in the house a couple of days per month…

Time — Twice the amount of “we need to talk” sessions…

Pills — Twice the amount of untimely “headaches”…

Irritants — Twice the amount of nagging, pleading, and crying to get something done around the house…

Chemicals — Twice the amount of Lysol in the bathroom, bedroom and den…

Nitrates — Twice the amount of beef jerky, salami and salted hams for you to carry home from the grocery store…

Family — Two sets of mother in laws for your to suck up to…

Hard labour — Twice the amount of old gym bags for you to sterilize or bury in the backyard…

- Dog

I want to get my wife a great present. Unfortunately she is hard to buy for.

She is very sensitive and everything I think of runs the risk of upsetting her. If I bought her a hat she’d likely think I don’t like her haircut. Buy her a George Foreman grille and she’d assume I don’t like her cooking. Sexy underwear would make her wonder if I’m still attracted to her. A treadmill would result in her thinking she’s too fat. Jewellery is a no-no because she’d worry about the cost. Buying any sort of clothes would also be a big mistake!

What do you get a person who reads things into every gift?

Two words: gift baskets! The most important thing when buying gifts for emotionally unpredictable people is to make the gifts “Functionally-Non-Threatening” (FNT). In other words, the gift should be something they have a use for, but in way that it in no shape of form reflect on their persona.

Many people think that functional items are impersonal, and they are right — unless — you buy two or more of them, and combine them in to one never before seen gift basket!

What better way to show your love (or dependency) than with your own original FNT gift basket? Of course nicely decorated with dried flowers, dried vegetables and dried cute little rodents!

Below you will find a few that I have lovingly thought out for you. I believe these might even inspire you to come up with your own:

Chef — Machete + Fire extinguisher + Clay Aiken CD

Grandma — Stuffed poodle + Leash + Bag of Jelly Bean

Grandpa — Fudge + More Fudge + Viagra

Teenage Boy — Roll of quarters + Tub of Vaseline + Flashlight

Neighbour — Zippo lighter + Cigars + Stick of dynamite

Wife — Bag of turnips + Rope + Swimming lessons

Ex-wife — French rat poison + French scythe + French Cookbook

Kids — Toboggan + Super glue + Helmet

Husband — Beef jerky + Wheat beer + Soft toilet paper

Teenage girl — Halter Top + Bellybutton jewellery + Mace

- Dog

How much TV watching is too much? My mother says I watch too much but I think seven hours on each workday and 13 each day on weekends is not excessive.

I work retail so I’m on my feet all day at work. When I get home I like to park myself in front of the TV and put my feet up. Is there anything wrong with that? My Mom who lives with me harps at me constantly. She thinks I should take up a time-consuming hobby like knitting, cross-stitching or goldfish training. I’d rather just keep on absorbing TV rays.

Time for me to put her in a retirement home?

In my opinion there is no such thing as “too much TV”. There are all kinds of shows on that are both relaxing and educational; especially if you have access to all the obscure channels made available by major satellite TV providers.

However, your mother has the right to nag on you if you only watch shows where guys in plaid shirts pretend to do home repairs, “reality” TV shows, and soaps. In my most humble opinion these shows are the crack cocaine of TV programs. Nothing good comes out of watching those silly things… They will only make you mess up a perfectly good basement, live on popcorn kernels for a week, or make you feel inferior because you don’t have an astronaut-plastic-surgeon boyfriend.

Granted, knitting, cross-stitching, and goldfish training (unless you have the expensive Korean kind) are also a waste of time…

All this to say: it depends on what you spend your time watching! If you are watching any of the below TV channels, I would say that you are only furthering yourself!

Nut TV — The wondrous world of nuts, and all the beautiful ways they can be prepared and consumed. I bet you didn’t know that there is actually a nut that should be snorted!

Tepee Channel — Ever been worried about getting lost in the woods, having a power outage in midwinter, or getting lost at a Walmart? This is the survival channel of all survival channels! If you can make a tepee out of mundane things such as a toilet brush and a pair of boxer shorts — you can survive anything!

Fold TV — Folding “flat things” in to “useful things” will surely challenge anyone to find ways to improve the world!

Salami Vision — Did you know that there are over 10,000 different salamis in the world? There are also a quarter of a billion ways in which way they can be sliced, and folded! There are also endless ways in which they can be combined! This channel will keep you on your toes for decades!

MS TV — Mystery Smell TV will teach you everything you ever need to know about smells! Be it from picking up that perfect bottle of East Timor wine, finding buried corpses in your neighbour’s backyards or identifying people based on their cell scrapings.

- Dog

I met a man in a computer chat room in January of 2008. We met in person a month later, and I moved in with him in March. My question is this: Can this be real? Have I really met the perfect man to love on a computer?

Well, technically you didn’t meet him on (or in) your AOL computer… It was simply a tool for you to get in contact with men, just as telephones and cheap red wine were used pre-computer age.

It’s possibple that it’s “real” as few psychotic or stoned women take the time to formulate well thought out questions to online advice columns…

Less than a year in a relationship is a very short time to discover all your boyfriend’s faults (yes, all men have them…) and for you to determine if he can be retrained. But instead of wondering if it’s “real” or pondering what “perfect” means — why not simply enjoy the ride and see where it takes you?

As a side note… If he’s the perfect man:

1. Don’t nag him about insignifcant shit, or at all…
2. Buy towels, bed linens and fake plants on your own. There’s no need to involve him…
3. Untimely and frequent headaches will eventually make him an ex-perfect man…
4. Pick up after him if you want your house cleaner…
5. If he’s napping: he’s simply napping, and not being lazy…

- Dog

I’m a 19-year-old teenager and I haven’t had a boyfriend since the 1st. grade and I know you’re probably like, “what the heck?” but it gets pretty annoying being single at times. There are times when I like being single — it’s like a never-ending battle between the good vs. the evil of “singledom”.

Well my questions are: How can I become proud of being single?

P.S. I also feel sometime that I’ll never find true love or a boyfriend, and it’s annoying when other people don’t understand where I’m coming from.

Being single is nothing to be especially proud of… nor is being in a relationship for that matter. One normally takes pride in personal accomplishments — “singledom” or relationships by themselves are neither. It’s more like “a thing that happens” — like a rash on your arse when wearing leather pants for twelve hours straight.

Finding true love at age 19 is at par in odds with finding a zit on Tom Cruise — not very likely! Finding true love or that zit takes persistence and impeccable timing. It will probably take you a while. When you are ready for the pain and humiliation of dating: go out there…

Don’t let other people’s opinions or perceptions drive that decision. Other people are morons…

- Dog