Ask Dog

Why do so many men know-it-alls? Stop and listen to me, I know about these things too!

The bores have an opinion on everything no matter how ridiculously uninformed it is. Without basis, they always believe they are correct and that others are wrong. They make sure everyone knows their point and will repeat it over and over and over until it is acknowledged.

They’ll go on and on and on with unrelenting repetition. Their self-righteous holier-than-thou attitudes persist until they dominate every conversation the jerks barge into uninvited. These know-it-alls should be put into jail where they can’t escape from the torture of listening to each other!

Why is it that only men are obnoxious know-it-alls?

Men that are know-it-alls drink beer, and read in the bathroom. They eat more raw meat than women (and passive men) do, and they don’t drain blood every month. Blood they instead use to supply their larger male brains with the extra oxygen they need to compute things that make a difference in the world. There’s nothing evil about that — nature made it that way!

The men that sit passively by while the world goes down the drain are normally wine-drinkers, and read shampoo bottles in the bathroom. They are also often French, or have a silly speech impediment. And the always sit down when they go pee! This is why many women adore these kinds of men… They are not a threat to them, or even to the intellect of things that grow out of beer bottles (if you leave them out long enough).

You should celebrate and worship know-it-alls instead of being so aggressive towards them. They are trying to make the world a better place for you!

• President Bill Clinton is one of the biggest know-it-alls there ever was… As the most powerful man on the planet, he called the shots with his pants around his ankles most of the time (and not because of frequent bathroom visits) and still the world had unprecedented peace and prosperity! The current president of the United States is the kind of man that sits down when he goes pee — see the mess he has created already? And there’s a year of his madness still to come!
• The Popes are also know-it-alls… The poor guys often don’t know which country they are in, what day it is, or what their names are, and still they go out there, relentlessly teaching and educating — and promoting goodwill towards man!
• Barnie the purple dinosaur has unselfishly educated hundreds of millions of children about many important things, such as the hazards of setting friends on fire, eating cat droppings and self-mutilation. Instead of getting the Nobel Prize he has been ridiculed for his big, bright smile, and high-pitched on-key friendly singing.

Marge, know-it-alls are there for YOU!

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- Dog

My nerdy brother has a great job, earns lots of money, and has a large amount of savings. I am unemployed and in debt. He has long accused me of being a lazy good-for-noth’n alcoholic gambler.

While what he says is mostly true I feel that as my brother he is morally obligated to help me financially through any rough times. I ask him to give me money but he refuses!

What can I say that will get him to share his money with me? Please advise ASAP because my friends have planned a shoe-shopping weekend to New York and I’d really like to go.

I’m sorry, but you blew it! Your brother is not obligated to do a thing! Your situation should be a lesson for all pathetic siblings out there!

There are no such things a brotherly, or sisterly love — or family unity and pride… The one and only thing that really brings families and sibling together is called blackmail! Unless you “have something” on your brother, you will not a get a penny from him.

However, it’s never too late to start… but the best thing would have been if you had started building up folders on family members as soon as you learned to write!

As you are obviously hopelessly lost, I will venture to guess that you have never had any Jehovah’s Witnesses at your door? Next time they come by your door, ask them for what they call “sibling related pamphlets” — it’s a code word for the best blackmailing tricks devised by man! It’s truly evil stuff, but it works!

Quit your whining and get to work!

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- Dog

I have read all kinds of articles discussing the importance of a man’s penis size, and most seem to agree that “average” will do just fine, but I have a hard time believing it.

I’m 27 years old and I have yet to be with a woman because I’m not sure if I’m adequately equipped or not. When I compare myself to other guys in the locker room, or when watching a movie — mine looks puny in comparison!

Is there anything I can eat to make my penis bigger? Are there are there any exercises I can do to affect the size? I have tried looking for plastic surgeons that perform penis enlargement surgeries but have been unable to find one.

Is a man’s penis size important to a woman?

Can I help making your penis bigger? I doubt it… In fact, it would be too uncomfortable for me to even give it a try… I hope you understand and forgive me on that point: there’s only so much I’m willing to do for this website!

Now then, does a man’s penis size matter to a woman? I had to do some research on that question (not being a woman…) but after some phone calls to some friends, and talking to my wife — the answer seems to be a resounding: Yes! Strangely enough this seems to go against all established research done on the subject. My 5 minute research projects also seems to contradict all penis size articles on the Web… Perhaps it’s a cultural thing: maybe Canadian women are more particular about their men’s penises?

As for improving on what was dealt to you in the poker game of genetics:

• No, there is nothing you can eat to make your penis bigger… If this were the case, it would be to the most expensive sustenance (if not substance) on the planet.
• No, there are no exercises that will improve a man’s penis size… If this were the case all men would look like Arnold Schwarzenegger in his steroid prime (Arnold by the way is hung like a toy poodle and still married in to the Kennedy clan…)
• No, comparing yourself to guys that swing their stump of broccoli for a living in movies, in never a good idea — they were handpicked for their special talents and abilities. You should compare yourself to police officers, politicians (except Bill Clinton who supposedly is hung like a walrus) and catholic priests, if you want to feel better about your penis size.
• Yes, there are surgical procedures that can be performed in order to improve on the size of your penis. Any plastic surgeon will be able to refer to you the right place. However, I would imagine that you would have to be pretty desperate have a doctor with a hangover and a scalpel around your little buddy… One bad S-N-I-P and you will be one E short of a whole P-E-N-I-S…
• Yes, the locker room can be a humbling place… But instead of wasting time trying to figure out the advanced trigonometry behind viewing angles, and optical illusions… Why not use the locker room for its intended purpose? Meaning, have a quick shower and then get the heck out of there as quickly as possible? Unless you can figure out trigonometry in your head, or be allowed to bring out your ruler — you are only straining your eyes and mind…
• So what can you do then about your penis size? Absolutely nothing!
  However, having seen a woman give birth (a couple of time), having seen a woman trying to mount a telephone pole, and having seen a woman try to eject a mid-sized turnip across the room (as a trick) — I would have to say that at one point there is too much of a “good thing”… even for the greediest of women…

Instead of worrying about the size of your penis, why not just get out there? It’s because of men’s penis sizes that men invented dating. Eventually you will find your female “match”, or at least someone thats fun to play with.

Also, do bear in mind that playing “Hide the sausage” is not the only game in town… There’s also “KerPlunk”, “Hungry, hungry hippos” and “Snakes and ladders”.

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- Dog

I need some help in understanding the male gender. Since I was a small child I have always been under the impression the only guys that couldn’t get a date look at porn, and that it was almost abnormal for a man that was dating (or who was married) to continue reading them.

I’m in a relationship with an older man that says I take care of his needs (in and out of bed). I have even questioned him if he would like to see any changes, and what we could do to improve our sex life. He says that all is well and that no changes need to be made. Yet I have found porn magazines under the mattress and on the top shelf in a corner of his closet.

My problem is that if all is well with us, why does he need to continue to purchase the magazines? What’s the point with them? I wonder if he thinks of these women while making love to me? Maybe I’m just being silly?

I can’t ask him because he would never answer my questions. I need some answers fast! Please?

Why do men purchase porn magazines?

Ok, any guy who buys porn magazines has serious ”issues” that he needs to work out. It’s not rational for a man to spend money on these kinds of magazines. Some would say it’s also degrading, not to the women in the magazines, but to the men that need to buy them. Subjecting yourself to “looks” of condemnation and disgust from sales clerks and other customers because of self-gratification purposes is hardly what a well-adjusted male would want to do.

No man should need to degrade himself in this way, especially as there is help to be had! The solution is broadband Internet connections, and skip roping and cheerleading competitions on cable sports channels!

You have a few other questions there so I’ll answer them in point form:

Q: Why does he need to continue to purchase the magazines?
A: Perhaps he doesn’t have a good Internet connection and satellite or cable TV?

Q: What’s the point with them?
A: They are for self-gratification purposes, or he is studying the female form for art purposes… Does he paint?

Q: I wonder if he thinks of these women while making love to me?
A: It’s possible if he has a really vivid imagination, and a good memory…

Q: Maybe I’m just being silly?
A: Yes, of course… Only worry if he buys magazine featuring horrific acts that you would never consider. You know, imagery featuring: goats, corpses, strangulation, vomit, squirrels, grandmothers, ice picks, King Kong, toenail clippings, Donald Trump’s hair, electrical egg beaters, raw salmon filets, aboriginal cave paintings etc.

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- Dog

How do I get a girlfriend?

I first though you asked half-a-question… I was expecting to see “How do I get a girlfriend… to <your filthy and depraved wish here>”?

A girlfriend is not something you “get”. You “get” parking tickets, hangovers, and syphilis — a girlfriend is something you find! See it as a scavenger hunt… The more work you put in to it, the more successful you will be in finding yourself one.

As in a scavenger hunt, if your goal is to find a pink cashmere sweater — don’t go looking for one in a biker bar!

Simply start working at it!

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- Dog

My girlfriend and I have started talking about getting married and having kids. My problem is I’ve never told her that long before I met her I had a nose job to fix the great big ugly honker I was born with. I’m frightened to tell her and I feel so guilty. Although I know she loves me, I worry she might be frightened off by the prospect of having big-nosed children. The thought of having them really frightens me so I really-really worry how much it might bother her.

Is there anything that can be done about big noses on children? Can babies get nose jobs?

Let me first start off by saying that nose jobs for babies are a most definite “no-no”. A nose will continue growing until a person is in his 20s, which makes it impossible to determine how a baby’s nose will develop. Kids will also run in to things, and they will get smacked for doing so, which makes it even more difficult to determine future nose shapes…

I wouldn’t worry about having big-nosed children at all. By the time they hit the age when they are ready to move out of the house, you will both be used to their looks. There are also so many benefits with a big nose on a child that it outweighs the “goofy look” factor, many times over!

I’m sure your girlfriend will be grateful for your children’s big honkers, as it will make both your lives so much easier:

1. If you have ever tried to help a 4-year-old with a grape-sized nose blow his or her nose, you know that it’s almost impossible to get a good grip of it. A big honker will save you so much time, and Kleenexes, as it can be squeezed, twisted and turned with ease…
2. Any parent who has lost a kid in a mall knows how difficult it can be to describe their little one to the service desk, as all kids under the age of seven look alike. But your kids will be unique! If they would ever get lost you should be able to get them back in no time at all as everyone notices big honkers, especially on children…
3. You will never have the stress of finding your kids a scary, or funny costume for Halloween. With some paint, and a little bit of imagination, a huge nose can be turned in to almost anything…
4. A big honker will mean huge nostrils… Do you have any idea how many kids shove peas, Lego and screws up their little noses? Most kids end up in the doctor’s office 2-3 times a year having something removed from up there. You will never have that problem if you keep them away from golf balls, small potatoes and granite drill bits…
5. Toilet training your kids will be a piece of cake! Some kids simply can’t tell if they have “gone” or not… But you won’t have that problem with your little ones because a big nose will always be closer to everything!

There are of course other benefits but I don’t wish to spoil your parenthood experience…

Why not simply relax and enjoy it all?

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- Dog

I jussed losted mi job as a coppy proofir at the newspeppar aftr jus too days and my gurlfrend is rilly pised off now that sheel hav too souport me unteel I git a new job so I was wunderin if I can git a job at askdog.com as I cood cleen up affter the dog or tak it four woks or i could anser kwestions cuz I hav lotts of impathee four the probleems of othrs and al my frends say Im varee good wit mi addvise so Im hopin youl giv me ajob rite now ok?

It’s clear that you have a good head on your shoulders and you are psychic as well! Ask Dog is in fact hiring additional writers!

I regret to inform you that the dog walking, wiping, and cuddling duties, have already been outsourced to an Indian company specialized in large canines with chronic gastrointestinal problems.

I do however welcome your application for a writer position! Send me an email outlining why you are the right person for the job.

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- Dog

I am almost about to die for this boy. He’s so fine and everybody I know wants him.

Him and me went out for a few days, then we broke up, and then we got back together. I really loved going out with him. But I knew he already had a lot of girls calling him, and even a steady girlfriend. We broke up because I let him talk to me about how I want an “act”.

I wanted to go back out with him but he was saying that he was trying to be faithful to his girlfriend, but I cannot accept that. I think about him every day! What should I do because I am so caught up over him?

How about if you sat down on a garden gnome, or rode a unicycle without a saddle, until you get some perspective?

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- Dog

When I married my husband ten years ago he was fit and healthy. In our ten years of marriage he has grown from a trim 155 pounds to a huge 350 lbs. Given that he is just 5′-4″ in height, saying he is really tubby is an understatement…

If I say anything about his weight he will sulk and order himself a big party pizza with a cheese crust. He will eat it all, including the greasy delivery box! His employer told him they are worried about his health — sulking, he called in sick for two weeks. While he was at home he ate practically non-stop. (He did take breaks while I went to the store to buy more food).

When he first started having significant weight gains I thought he would eventually realize he has to loose weight. That hasn’t happened yet. Having seen even fatter people on TV shows like Jerry Springer, Montel, and Maury, I now worry my hubby may never stop until the gluttony kills him. I find the whole situation very depressing.

Do you have any advice that can bring me hope?

Any advice for his big sorry ass?

It’s a miracle that he’s still alive! Maybe it’s all the pizza boxes he has been eating? Supposedly cardboard is high in fibre content…

Anyways, then only way to “pork down” is to exercise! Burning more calories than you shove in to your face is the only way to lose weight… Unfortunately, it’s not always easy to motivate someone to get off his or her ‘jigglies’ and start moving around. But I’m sure I can help…

The thing is that when a person has had your husband’s kind of extreme weight gain they can’t just go out and start jogging, as they would risk knee and back injuries, or worse: a heart attack! You are blessed for living in Quebec City as you always have lot of snow up there! There are all kinds of wonderful exercises that can be done in a winter wonderland! These should be easy enough for your husband to start with, and not risk any injuries:

Tobogganing is a fun winter activity that is great exercise at the same time… Push your husband in to a toboggan, and tie him to it. Pull him too, and up and big hill (he fighting to get out of the restraints will be a great warm-up for him!) Once you get him up there, aim him away from home and kick him down the hill… His weight should take him a great distance… His weight will also make sure the toboggan will break when it hits a tree, rock or what have you, thus releasing his restraints… Without a shadow of a doubt he will be furious, which should ensure a brisk, calorie burning walk home for him.

Skating is fantastic as it exercises your whole body! When you husband is taking a nap, lace him up! Tie him to a long rope, and wait for a large truck to come by your house and attach the other end of the rope to it! Do make sure that your husband can be dragged through the house, and on to the street unobstructed! It can be quite painful getting pulled through some French doors, over a hot stove, and through a bay window… He should have hours of calorie burning fun skating behind the truck before getting discovered!

There is nothing more exciting and fast paced as Luge! Unfortunately Luge doesn’t burn all that many calories… unless you can make someone go up the track instead of sliding down it! Get your husband on a Luge sleigh at the bottom of the course, and cover him from head to toe in bacon grease (tell him it’s a treat!) and then release some hungry Rottweilers… He will make it to the top of the course and burn thousands, upon thousands of calories in the process!

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- Dog

I recently went overseas and met a woman a lot older than myself. She thought of me as cute but not handsome, and I can’t get over her! It has been almost a year now and I think about her everyday.

Should I go back to her even though she is a lot older than myself?

I hate to tell you that if she is A LOT older than you are, she might not walk among us any more… Even the people we love and care for have a finite lifespan unfortunately.

I’m sure that if you look around old folks homes, bingo halls and parks in your area, you will find a nice lady who will find you “cute” as well. I’m surprised that anyone finds “cute” enough to put himself out there, ready to suffer the imminent loss of yet another lover.

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- Dog