Ask Dog

I have this amazing fiance: he’s thoughtful, fun, and pretty darn good-looking. All my roommates are envious of me because of it.

How do I make them understand that he’s not perfect, and also that he’s not the last one out there? I don’t think they would purposely hit on him, but they’re constantly saying that they’re jealous and that they want him…

How do I stop my roommates from being envious of my fiance?

My goodness! You cold be in trouble… If one of your roommates is also “darn good-looking” and decides to go after him — you could be in for a real battle…

To play it safe you could alienate your fiance from your roommates… If he is made to feel uncomfortable around them, he will stay within your “chalked lines”.

As he’s next to perfect you can’t mess with him, but your roommates should all be fair game, no? Heck, you are the one who has put in all the hours polishing him in to all that he is today, right? Having someone take over now would be plain wrong, wouldn’t it?

If you introduce new information about your fiance to your roommates, they will start acting differently around him — if ever so slightly. He will sense that they are treating and looking at him in an “odd” way, and he will start feeling awkward around them, thus immunizing him to any advances!

The only way you can make them see him in a new light is to tell your roommates about all his flaws. If he doesn’t have any bad ones — lie! It is extremely important to only introduce fake facts that your roommates would never dare bringing up to him…

Here are a couple of ideas to get you going:

1. He is a good enough lover despite being hung like a toy poodle…
2. He prefers using a lady shaver when removing hair from his feet and back…
3. He was wet nursed by his grandmother until he was 12…
4. He will always very carefully examine his handkerchief after blowing his nose…
5. He always sits down when going pee because looking down gives him vertigo…
6. He has a secret fetish about being spanked with rhubarb…
7. He talks in his sleep, and always about how much he enjoys milking koalas…
8. He gets great satisfaction in secretly using other people’s toothbrushes…
9. He will when slow-dancing insist on being called “Erica”…
10. He will when passing gas, always say, “good one!”…

Or you could simply close your eyes and hope for the best… Your choice of course!

- Dog

I have been married for nine years, and since last year my husband refuses to go out shopping with me. It doesn’t matter how much I beg and plead, he won’t have anything to do with it.

I’m sick and tired of having to take all the decisions when it comes to our purchases. How I can I get my husband to come shopping with me?

Instead of forcing your husband to come with you, perhaps you should go out with your girlfriends instead?

The vast majority of men don’t care what colour the towels are… They will be happy as long as they can dry themselves with them. Besides, straight men don’t see colour the same way as women do… There are no shades, or mystery colours such as “Fuchsia” to men — it’s all pink!

You mentioned that he used to come with you until a year ago? Let me guess… He started suffering from nosebleeds and dizzy spells when you took too long to choose which plastic containers, or clothes hangers to buy?

I’m afraid your husband is damaged and beyond any help at this point. But I do have some advice for women who haven’t taken their men over the brink yet:

To avoid permanent damage, act immediately when your husband starts showing signs of loosing his mind, or worse having physical manifestations of stress. Including the ones mentioned above, he might also start suffering from: headaches, mood swings (often aggressive), ticks, cold sweats, heart palpitations, paranoia and shortness of breath.

Depending on the severity of the physical and mental manifestations, here are some time proven remedies that might save your husband:

1. Find him an empty changing room to have a nap in. A couple of hours of sleep will do him wonders while you make up your mind about pottery, dried flowers, beads, and other non-essentials.
2. Drop off your husband at a bar where he can have a couple of beers and perhaps watch a football game. This will rejuvenate him, and if you are lucky you might even get a couple of more hours out of him later on.
3. Take him to the electronics department and let him play with all the gadgets for an hour or so. Better yet, let him buy something that comes with a really thick manual.

- Dog

While watching TV the other night with my boyfriend, I noticed that he got an erection when watching one of President George W. Bush’s speeches. I didn’t say anything but I found it a bit disturbing… Is it possible that he’s gay and fakes it with me?

We have only been dating for a couple of months but he has always seemed normal… Is my boyfriend gay or simply a top income earner?

There is no “normal” or “abnormal” when it comes to deciding where to lay down one’s hat! Obsessing about other people’s hats is rather pathetic, if I may so myself. There is also no “faking it” when it comes to hats… it fits, or it doesn’t fit…

If you are truly honest to yourself you should know by now if your boyfriend’s hat fits him or not, especially as you have been “dating” for a couple of months…

Does the erection mean your boyfriend is gay? Statistically speaking, yes! The odds of your boyfriend being in the top one percentile of income earners in America is slim at best… If he has a European car parked in the driveway, you might marry him one day. If he doesn’t — I wouldn’t hold my breath!

- Dog

I have finally met the girl of my dreams, and we have started dating. Everything should be wonderful, but I’m panicking because I’m having a hard time coming up with places to take her and things to impress her with.

I’m not good at anything…

How do I impress my new girlfriend?

Surely there must be something you are good at? Perhaps you are not giving yourself enough credit? It doesn’t necessarily have to be rocket science; sometimes it’s the simple things that are the most memorable. Here are a couple of ideas to get you going:

The Zoo:
Show off your knowledge of animals. (Good)
Show off your pitching arm by throwing rocks at the chimpanzees. (Bad)

Fancy restaurant:
Show her how to eat shark fin soup without dribbling on your chin. (Good)
Show her how you can fit eight bread rolls in your mouth. (Bad)

Art museum:
Entertain her with your musings about the different paintings. (Good)
Entertain her by pretending to sneeze on the paintings. (Bad)

Juggling:
Impress her by juggling with different fruits at the grocery store. (Good)
Impress her by juggling with hamsters at the pet store. (Bad)

Sports:
Show off on the volleyball court at the beach (Good)
Show off on a lawn bowling field at a retirement home. (Bad)

Poetry:
Write a poem about her smile. (Good)
Write a poem about her menstrual cramps. (Bad)

- Dog

The other day when I came home early from work I caught my teenage son wearing my high heels and dancing naked to Paul Anka, in the kitchen. He was horrified when I walked in to the house, but I assured him I wasn’t upset with him.

My son said it was the first time he had done it and that it was only a joke. I think he is lying about never having done it before because he carried himself really well.

I’m not upset about him wearing some of my heels but I’m afraid my wife won’t understand if she finds out. Should I tell my wife about our son dancing in high heels?

No harm done, and no one has been hurt — yet! However, you should do something about your son because he will get hurt eventually. It’s quite dangerous to dance around to Paul Anka in high heels that don’t fit properly. He could sprain an ankle, or worse, trip and hit his head or something. As you probably know, heels need to fit snuggly!

As to your wife, does she really have to know everything? In most homes Paul Anka music is perfectly acceptable and doesn’t require a justification.

- Dog

When cleaning my teenage son’s room, I found some questionable erotic magazines under his bed. It was rather shocking as I have never though he would be interested in such things…

Is erotic magazines something I should be concerned about?

If you by “questionable” erotic magazines mean “PlayGoat”, “Kangaroo Love”, “Sheep Illustrated Shaving Edition”, or the like… Then, yes, your son is in need of intensive counselling or psychotherapy!

On the other hand, if the magazines featured women frolicking, I wouldn’t worry about it. Your son is merely going through a phase and will get over it as soon as he finds himself a naughty or nice girlfriend to clean his zucchini. 

- Dog

I am a 22-year-old woman who has a big problem. Actually a pair of little problems! I am extremely flat-chested: even if compared to a small koala. I hardly have anything there at all! I have been considering breast implants but remain undecided. Male friends have told me they find small breasts sexy but that conflicts with the “bigger is better” attitude that prevails in the media.

Can you help with some advice — should I or shouldn’t I? Should I get breast implants?

No, you shouldn’t! It’s quite unnecessary if the sole purpose of the breast implants is to raise interest in the opposite sex. Most guys don’t care, and I’m not sure you would be happy with the superficial males (or boys) that have breast size as the measuring stick of a woman’s worth. Sure, in general I guess you might get an extra glance or two with a bigger cup-size, but after the initial contact, size matters very little.

There are options to breast implant surgery! You can make your breasts appear bigger, or at least hide the fact that they are small. As I said, if you can establish initial contact, they won’t even come in to play… Here are some ideas:

1. Wear 14-foot stilts! Perspective will distort any body shape and will make it appear generally thinner and more elongated to anyone looking up at you. No one would be able to tell if you are flat chested or not.
2. Use optical illusions to you advantage. Have tie-dyed t-shirt made that features two large strategically placed colourful rings… It can make people see things that are not there because they expect them to be there.
3. Slightly more expensive than a tie-dyed shirt: have a custom shirt airbrushed using Trompe-L’oeil (French for fool the eye) art techniques. Skilfully airbrushed shadows and creases on a shirt will fool anyone” at least when viewed head-on (not really useful if you are in to line dancing).
4. Distractions always works! Drawing men’s eyes away from a woman’s chest area might seem like an impossible task, but it really isn’t… A hat with a clever saying will do it every time! Here are a couple of ideas:
   Come to my place and watch me eat Rohypnol! — I make like a rabbit after 2 beers! — My twin sister is a slut too! — I love sausage and football! — Future White House intern! — I eat my Jell-O with a straw!
5. Humans need colour to perceive depth-of-field accurately. Always wear a grey sweater and stay in the shadows. If there are no shadows — make some! A large umbrella doesn’t have to cost you more than a couple of bucks!

Use your imagination!

- Dog

I think you make up all your own questions! That means you are a fraud! How can you sleep with yourself knowing you have deceived all the people who read advice columns? Why don’t you and your staff get a life and leave the advice gig to the pros, like the Dear Abby advice column?

Thank you for your concern… I will reformulate your question to “Is Dear Abby better than Ask Dog?” to make it a little bit more interesting…

Are Dear Abby Questions More Real?
I don’t write my own questions! All questions on this website have been submitted to me, but I do however use “editorial discretion”. Which means that I edit questions submitted to me (some more than others…) I don’t believe for a second that, Dear Abby, publishes questions unedited in their own advice column! However, I might edit submitted questions a bit more than Dear Abby does, which doesn’t make them any less valid. And more importantly: it doesn’t make them any less helpful, useful or entertaining! If more people knew how to form and put down a though — less editing for me. More questions to choose from — less editing for me.

If you look around this website you will see that I cover a wider spectrum of human nature than would ever be possible in a syndicated newspaper advice column such as the Dear Abby advice one. There’s no politically, religiously or commercially motivated editor here telling me what’s acceptable or not. There’s also no government censorship in this advice column!

Dear Abby Fraud Accusations

I’m no more a fraud than Dear Abby, or any advice columnist for that matter! People ask for opinions and advice, and both Dear Abby and I provide answers to the best of our ability. I have faith in people, and honestly believe they are capable of making their own decisions. An advice column is only there to encourage people to consider alternative options and solutions (in my most honest and humble opinion). What people choose to do in the end is their decision and responsibility.

I don’t deceive people! The Ask Dog advice column is only a vehicle for me to deliver my own opinions, ideas and suggestions… People are not stupid… They are perfectly capable of ignoring any or all advice given to them.

Actually, talking about fraud: “Abby” has been dead for years! The column is now run by her daughter.

Ask Dog is Not Dear Abby
As for my sleep… I sleep very nicely at night, thank you very much! This website is a non-commercial entity — it doesn’t earn me any money at all. In fact, I pay to host this website so people may ask questions for free! What’s more honest than that? Do you think Dear Abby pays for the upkeep of the advice column from their own pockets? I don’t think so!

I also don’t hire any staff… This might come as total shock to you… I don’t hire any staff at all! Every single bit of advice in the Ask Dog advice column has been written by Yours Truly (including all the spelling and grammatical errors…) Can you say the same about the Dear Abby advice and questions? I don’t think so… Yes, there are other people contributing to this website using the comments form, but these people do so out of the kindness of their heart, for the betterment of humankind. Can you say the same about the Dear Abby staff? No, I didn’t think so…

Is Dear Abby the Only One?
An advice column is not a substitute for psychotherapy or medical advice. It’s all about opinions and entertainment… This advice column covers pretty much everything, but it doesn’t provide any kind of medical advice (physical or mental.) Giving advice in the form of a column is not a profession…

I think your email shows signs of insecurity, perhaps even jealousy! Is it possible that you are stunned and shocked that I’m able to provide advice on versatile and complicated topics such as “Natural Aphrodisiacs”, “How to manipulate people” and “Crazy parrot” — and you are not?!

Ask Dog Next to Dear Abby?
There are many advice columnists out there… Granted, no one is as helpful, insightful, versatile and entertaining as myself, but there are others. Why shouldn’t we all be able to live in a happy co-existence? There’s room for all of us! When people want to read the same boring questions over and over again they are more than welcome to read the Dear Abby column, or the other ones. Ask Dog will always be here to help people with questions that can’t possibly be answered anywhere else!

- Dog

I am recently married. For a wedding gift my husband’s rich uncle gave us a painfully ugly painting. It features a dressed pig drinking beer in a pub. While it is painted nicely and probably worth a lot, it really isn’t to our taste. We both hate it and have stashed it under our bed.

My problem is that Uncle Herb is known for dropping in on family members unannounced. My husband is feeling guilty and has suggested (despite being repulsed) that we hang the painting just in case his uncle comes for a visit. He is sure his uncle’s feelings would be hurt if it weren’t displayed. I think the pig is just too hideous to hang and I would hate us having to see it everyday.

Would it be wrong to simply sell the wedding gift?

What do you mean the pig isn’t to your taste?! I don’t think the problem here is a supposedly unattractive painting… Why not just come out and admit that you people hate animals — period! I have no idea what kind of sick and depraved minds you people have… No one is expecting you to be ecstatic, but you should at least be able to find ’some’ enjoyment in one of natures’ lovely creatures, no?

Pigs are funny, friendly, intelligent and taste great whichever way you cook em’!

I know there are many a vegetarian still life out there, painted especially for people like you, but that doesn’t mean you have carte blanche to act like some sort of superior beings! I know your kind…

In fact, I don’t think you deserve the pig: painted or roasted! Why don’t you give it to someone who will appreciate it, instead of trying to find a place for it to rot away? The pig is meant to be enjoyed…

You shouldn’t be worrying about your uncle… You should be worrying about all the pigs you have insulted, and which you will soon meet in the afterlife. Hell is going to be a mighty roast, and you people better start getting over the idea of being pork haters!

- Dog

Last year at our company picnic my boss brought his favourite hooker instead of his wife. In my opinion he took the company tradition of bringing an “escort” to the picnic a little too seriously. “Barbie” was nice and we all had a great party. My wife had never met my boss’ wife before so she assumed “Barbie” was his wife. I didn’t tell my wife otherwise because she is fanatically against prostitution and I feared my wife might have caused a scene.

I write today because I hear my boss will be taking his wife to this year’s picnic. I’m wondering if I should tell my wife that “Barbie” from last year wasn’t his wife before she meets the real wife this year? Telling her now might still lead to my wife telling his wife about the hooker. I’m sure that could result in me losing my job.

Maybe I should just arrange for my wife to miss the party? I’ve heard putting a laxative in food can give a person temporary stomach cramps. Do you think that might work to keep her away from the picnic? If she had severe cramps she’d probably not want to party — right? What do I do about this hooker problem?

That “Barbie” lady — does she wear a blonde wig with Christmas ornaments in it? Does she have fishnet stockings tattooed on her legs? The reason why I’m asking is because my neighbour is also named “Barbie”… and I have always been suspicious about her many gentlemen callers at all hours of the day.

Anyway… How about if you bring enough laxative for everyone at the picnic? Slip in a pint of that stuff in to the punchbowl, and it should distract your wife from pretty much everything that goes on at company picnics… Not a person at the party will remember a face, or be able to strike up a long enough conversation to reveal anything…

Interesting facts: Laxatives are used in many Nordic countries as a means to speed up parliamentary decision-making. Even politicians will talk to the point, and vote quicker when threatened with an explosive bowel discharge. Laxatives were invented in Denmark in the Middle Ages as a way to add more excitement to their parlour game “Harknur Knut” which is a form of “Twister”. The game is still played at the Danish court today, but without laxatives, rear-expelled body odours, and radishes.

- Dog