Ask Dog

My boyfriend and I have been going out for 5 months and I was wondering how to tell if he’s messing around with another girl?

The other day he told me he has been talking to his ex-girlfriend who he dated for 4 years. They broke up when she cheated on him, and he turned around and cheated on her with someone else.

How do I tell if he’s really in love with me or not?

There are all kinds of ways to tell if he’s cheating on you or not…

Next to having him strapped to a polygraph, or having him tortured, do a search on “cheating” and “cheat” on this website. Lots of great advice for you to learn from.

How to tell if he loves you or not? He worships you like a Goddess, and he will do whatever it takes to make you happy. That includes (but not limited to) not screwing old girlfriends…

Also, 5 months is not a very long time… I know people who have toenail clippings on their bathroom floor that are older than your relationship. Give it some time, and try and get to know the guy before uttering silly comments such as: “I love him to death…”

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- Dog

My sister who is in her 50s is unmarried, and lives alone with her pet rooster, “Stuart”. Whenever I ask her out for dinner, movies or a stroll in the park, she will bring him along. She doesn’t go anywhere with that pet of hers and it’s driving me crazy!

It’s very difficult to enjoy a good meal with a bird at your table, especially with one that makes a racket, and defecates every time anyone walks by the table. The movie theaters are no better as certain sounds stir the bird in to a frenzy of wing flapping, and shrieks, which disturbs the other moviegoers. And if you have ever seen a rooster move, you will have an idea of just how leisurely our strolls in the park are. Even if we head out early in the morning, we are often not back home until after midnight!

I try to be a good brother to her, but this rooster is really putting a strain and a stain on our relationship. I’m a hair away from kicking that damn bird in front of a bus!

Is it sane for a chick to go for a real rooster?

Your sister is more than emotionally attached to “Stuart”. For her it’s not a rooster anymore, it’’s her companion — a surrogate male companion! I know it can be difficult dealing with the issues you mentioned, but you have to try and be as accepting of “Stuart” as you would her husband, or boyfriend. Would you kick her husband in front of a bus because he irritates you in restaurants?

Sometimes it’s easier to blame a third-party, or thing, than to deal with the real problem… The problem here is not a defecating surrogate male companion: it’s jealousy! Instead of building up irrational aggressions towards “a bird”, deal with him the same was you would an eccentric husband. Once you stop seeing a rooster, and instead see a partner, you will enjoy the time you get with your sister.

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- Dog

I’ve heard that living with fear and resentment are both very unhealthy forms of stress. I suffer from both. I hope you have advice that can lift some of that stress.

My problem is unusual. I’m tired of having the boring name “Rob” and I’ve long dreamed of legally changing my name to Rasputin. I’d have done it already if I had an inch of support from the wife who says she’ll never accept me as a Rasputin.

The wife has even gone as far as to threaten me with a beating if I change my name. (She is bigger than me so I take the threat seriously). I find myself deeply resenting her lack of support. Add in the fear of a beating and I’m a wreck. What should I do?

Do you think she would ever accept me as Rasputin?

It’s funny that you should write about this because I used to be called Rasputin but I changed it to “Risto” which I think fits me better. Did I tell my wife about the name change? Heck, no! You don’t need your wife’s approval to have it legally changed. You also don’t have to explain a thing: when people call our house asking for Risto, my wife thinks it’s my nickname! She and the kids have even taken to calling me by my “nickname” now.

You simply have to give it some time!

However, going from Rob to Rasputin might be a bit of a stretch when it comes to nicknames… Why not go for the equally interesting sounding, and more plausible, “Robsputin”?

Rob is one of the more boring names out there and I think you are right about changing it. You do become your name eventually… Everyone calls our neighbour “Smacktard” and he’s always miserably scurrying in the shadows like a tiny and dumb mouse.

Good luck, Robsputin!

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- Dog

I am a 20-year-old single male who would like to have a hot girlfriend. I like playing my Game Boy Advance, watching anime cartoons, designing space colonies, and eating pepperoni pizza.

Next year I hope to enrol in fashion school as my dream career is to be a bikini swimwear designer. I have had trouble finding any babes who share my interests.

What would you suggest I do? Where can I find a hot girl in Alaska?

Finding a hot girlfriend in the cold north of Alaska must be tough, no matter what your interests are. You need to expand your horizons and look for these types of girls wherever they may be… The hottest and sweatiest ones are probably found in and around the equatorial region. However, convincing one to come to Alaska might be a difficult undertaking…

If the girl won’’t come to Alaska, perhaps Alaska should go to the girl? If “hot” is a must; have you considered relocating? There are probably millions of girls down there who would climb rusty barbed wire fences to design space colonies with you. Asian girls might be something for you due to your interest in anime? It might be difficult to find one who has long green hair, and magical powers that enables flight, but there are others!

Fashion school is overrated in my opinion! Surely you must know what a bikini looks like? Instead of wasting years theorizing about what could be, why not just do it? Perhaps you could draw upon your current experiences and project these on a new bikini design? For instance, a functional yet edible pepperoni garment could make you a household name over night! Stitching a prototype together should be easy with the finger strength you have built up from years of Nintendo play! Just have a couple of extra-large pizzas delivered and get to work!

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- Dog

My boss is not very smart. Actually, he is exceptionally stupid. He only got where he is today because he is the illegitimate “love child” of the company Founder/CEO. As such, it is unlikely he will ever be fired for his stupendous incompetence.

My question for you is: if I married the founder’s legitimate, but desperate, spinster daughter would I then be one up on the founder’s illegitimate idiot son?

It’s a tricky question you pose, as there are so many unknown factors here. Does the Founder/CEO feel the same way about his son as well? I would say that you have a great opportunity here if the founder tolerates his son’s ineptitude simply because he’s “family”. Looking at the Kennedy clan (America’s most tight-knit family) it becomes obvious that a family power shift will happen as soon as a functional brain becomes available… Being first doesn’t mean a thing!

Your chances of taking over the show will be ten-fold if your future father-in-law doesn’t have any grandchildren…

A grandchild is the monster flyswatter in family infighting! If you have two or three of them in your corner, and no one else have any, you will almost be untouchable when it comes to a grandparent (or as in your case, the company founder). If he’s close to kicking the bucket — you have to act quickly! He has to see, and grow to appreciate his grandchildren. Only then can you start threatening to limit access to them unless you get your way.

However, having kids with even the most wonderful woman on the planet can be a lot work… Having two or three of them with someone less than perfect can be agonizingly painful. If you are strong enough to endure years of pain and humiliation on the home front: by all means marry the spinster daughter and make some flyswatters!

In a couple of years you will control his daughter, his grandchildren and the only fully functional brain in the family. Your less than brilliant boss will have half-a-brain… Yes, I would say that the odds are in your favour!

Go for it!

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- Dog

What do I do in a situation where I’m cheating on my husband with a married man? I know this is morally wrong but the relationship went great at first with my lover, and now he’s always busy, and doesn’t have time for me. I want to continue this because I think I’m in love!

Is this a hint that he wants to stop our relationship? How do I get him to tell me if he wants to stop? Too much to ask?

You ask: “Is this a hint that he wants to stop our relationship?” You crack me up! You actually have expectations on a guy that is screwing around on his wife? What happened to you? You slipped on a condom in his trailer and hit your head?

What do you do think it means when a woman is willing and ready to spread her legs whenever asked to, and the guy is not in the least interested? He is finished with you… You are nothing more than a old sock gone bad…

Sorry… He got what we wanted from you. Move on!

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- Dog

I have been married for ten years to a wonderful, generous and successful man. He is the most renowned plastic surgeon in New York, and I work as a waitress at Mick’s Irish Deli.

Over the years I have used all my waitressing income paying my husband to do “improvements” on me. Pretty much everything on my body, from head to toe, has been tweaked one way or another. My husband says he is doing it for me, and in truth I have enjoyed the changes. I’m much prettier than I used to be.

However, something totally unexpected happened when I went back to work after my latest surgery: when I walked in, people started asking for my autograph! They thought I was Nicole Kidman! Wherever I go now, people ask if they take may take my picture, and if I can sign this and that.

At first I thought it was kind of fun but it’s quickly getting aggravating. My surgeon husband is not the same either — he can’t keep his hands off of me! His renewed interest was flattering at first, but I’m beginning to think that it has nothing to do with me… He insists on calling me Nicole, and last weekend he even asked me if I could moan with a slight Australian accent!

I’m not sure I feel comfortable with the new “me” anymore! Am I overacting? Has all my plastic surgery really been for my husband?

P.S. See attached picture.

As a Nicole Kidman admirer myself, I will have to say: Christ! You are hot! Heck, you look more like Nicole Kidman than she does herself these days! If you don’t mind, could you send a picture of yourself riding a donkey? (Don’t ask… it’s just one of those things… Thanks!)

In all honesty, what’s the harm done here? You look gorgeous, and your husband worships you! In my humble opinion the world can’t have enough Nicole Kidmans…

Perhaps it wasn’t a total fluke that you ended up looking like her, but it could be worse! What if your husband had an obsession with Martha Stewart instead? Not only would you have to pick up a goofy accent, you would need to act snooty and crabby all the time!

Instead of whining, and being selfish: how about simply being grateful for what your husband has done for you?

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- Dog

I am a 16-year-old girl with a huge problem. I don’t want to sound vain but I am unusually beautiful. My looks seem to intimidate boys speechless and make girls green with envy.

I am a nice friendly person but I have few friends and that really hurts. I hate how I look and I often wish I could look more normal. My mom says I should see my beauty as a gift instead of a curse. It really seems a curse and I find myself daydreaming about how nice it would be to be plain looking.

I write hoping you have advice that can somehow cheer me up. Were can I find some beautiful teenage non-beauty tips?

I agree with you — beauty is a vicious curse! But it can be broken…

There are many temporary changes you can easily do to your appearance, so you don’t have feel like an outcast in society. The great thing is that your beauty will always be “in there”, and it will be quite easy for you to bring it out again if you change your mind later on in life…

I know exactly how you feel as I used to have the same problems myself, but then I discovered salamis, cashews in bulk, and bacon wrapped meatballs. Now my body shape has changed for the better, and I don’t make the opposite sex uncomfortable anymore. My skin has also gained a less attractive (but more approachable), white and pasty texture (resembling Feta cheese to the touch).

My shiny, blond and always perfectly arranged locks also used to get me more attention than I wanted, but that was easily fixed by getting haircuts at the Salvation Army. Instead of using shampoos and conditioners, I now use industrial hand soap that gives my hair a less spectacular matte, and frizzy look. This will also save you a lot of money, which you will need for your salami, cashew and bacon-meatball diet (it’s rather expensive).

Clothes help “make” the man and the woman… However, wearing quality, and well fitting garments can be extremely intimidating to people around you… Great clothes make you act differently as you simply can’t move around in them comfortably (which is often wrongly interpreted as the person being a snob or diva…..) But if you always dress as if you were going camping, you will feel more relaxed, and look more friendly and sociable at the same time.

Never buy Chanel No.5 and similar quality scents again… These products when used properly can make everyone around you act like dogs in heat, which is hardly desirable if you are trying to strike up a meaningful conversation with someone. If you absolutely have to wear a scent because your natural one send small rodents scurrying — look for a new (less potent) one! I highly recommend exploring oriental convenience stores as many of them have illegally imported products that are both affordable and versatile (many can be also be used in cooking, mixed drinks and as stain removers).

But most importantly, you need to learn how to talk like a normal human being! No one can stand a snooty sounding know-it-all… No matter how successful and intelligent you are, if people get the urge to hurt themselves when hearing your voice — you will be humiliated like Martha Stewart! Her way of speaking will have changed when released from prison: I guarantee it! The actual incarceration will not be the reason for the change; it will be the endless hours of rap music she will have suffered through. Rap music is the secret!

Good luck, and welcome in to “The Fellowship of the Very Average!”

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- Dog

My mother isn’t a very nice person. She does have many qualities but niceness certainly isn’t one of them. She will go out of her way to try to upset strangers — it has become a hobby which brings her hours of pleasure. I’ve always found her behaviour very embarrassing.

Looking back, I think I’ve tried to compensate for her meanness by being exceptionally nice to everyone. Lately I’m starting to feel that maybe I’ve been too nice and my niceness is about to snap. Fantasies of ramming my shopping cart into the backs of other shoppers’ feet have been creeping into my mind. The fantasy scares me.

Does it mean that deep down am I really a hurtful person like mommy dearest? Is it normal for nice people to think about injuring obese grocery shoppers — who buy unhealthy amounts of high-fat foods? Would doing it just once get it out of my system or could it unleash a repressed dark side?

Expressing your anger can be a wonderfully comforting and rewarding thing to do! You shouldn’t suppress it, as it will make you cold, bitter and psychotic. Look at your mother. She’s an evildoer — an extremely happy and at peace evildoer! Doesn’t this tell you that it’s always best to express your true feelings?

You going around being nice to everyone and everything is the kind of sick and perverted behaviour that has helped turn our society in to a herd of grinning imbeciles! You should embrace your anger and let the world know of it! When people keep it in as you do, they will start fantasizing about kicking kittens, tripping toddlers, or as in your case, pushing shopping carts in to people.

However, violence however is not the way to do it. There are a million and one other more productive ways to express your anger:

1. Stealing all the toilet paper at your local movie theatre…
2. Squeezing loafs of breed, and crushing bags of chips at the grocery store…
3. Spending a couple of hours moving DVDs around at the video store…
4. Building obscene snowmen on other people’s front lawns…
5. Placing huge orders at fast-food drive-throughs and driving through without picking anything up…
6. Smiling, and giving the finger to prison inmates while making sweet love to your woman…
7. Going to the park and flying a huge kite that has the words “screw you!” on it…
8. … Your idea here!

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- Dog

I am an upperclassmen in high school and last year everything was going so great for me: captain of the dance team, great grades and most importantly, the best guy in the whole world was all mine… Nick was so great; I can truly say that he was my first love. He had some problems with smoking and drinking though, which I didn’t like. He didn’t do it all the time, only when he was with friends. I trusted him 100% with all of his decisions.

After dating for a year, he went to a friend’s house and they were smoking and drinking, and he ended up cheating on me (with the ugliest girl in school!) He knows he made a mistake, and I even broke up with him after that incident. But, we worked everything out and got back together because we were still in love.

The girl that he cheated on me with says that he wasn’t very drunk, but my boyfriend said he was, and that he didn’t know what he was doing. I’d much rather believe Nick, I know he would never lie but after this whole thing happened — I don’t know whom to believe?!

So time has gone by, and things are okay now. But from time to time, I remember our past and get very upset. He knows this and tries everything to make things better for me.

Is being upset worth it for a guy that I love? When do I know that it’s time to get over him and move on?

Thank you for your question. I found it to be most fascinating and inspiring, so I decided to answer it right away! My reply to you will be an experimental one. I decided that I would through meditation metaphysically transport myself back in time… and tap myself in to the minds of some buddies of mine, who all where “the best guy in the whole world” in their youth… I never was “The Best Guy” because I rarelly had a pair of shoes that fit me, or shoes at all. I also had an habit of scratching myself in public, which is why I need help with this one…

With the help of my buddies — read some their thoughts in parenthesis in your original text…

I am an upperclassmen in high school and last year everything was going so great for me: captain of the dance team (it’s always nice with a nimble lady that knows how to move to an uptempo beat…), great grades (which means you should be able to help pay for his Harley in a couple of years…) and most importantly, the best guy in the whole world was all mine… (he got lucky and found your knobs…) “Nick” was so great; (this might comes as a surprise to you but there are other guys out there that can find your knobs too…) I can truly say that he was my first love. (he was the first one to find and turn your knobs the right way…) He had some problems with smoking and drinking though (all great guys do…), which I didn’t like. (but he knew how to work your knobs so you lived with it…) He didn’t do it all the time (yes he did, you just weren’t there to see it all the time…), only when he was with friends. (and when he was with enemies, and anyone else who had smoke and drink…) I trusted him 100% with all of his decisions. (no, you didn’t… you wanted it to be all right because you loved the way he had your knobs figured out…)

After dating (…) for a year, he went to a friend’s house and they were smoking and drinking, (of course he did because you were sitting at home trusting him 100%…) and he ended up cheating on me with the ugliest girl in school! (no, no, no, she wasn’t the ugliest… and he knew that she could peel a pinecone really well…) He knows he made a mistake (he knows he made the mistake of getting caught…), and I even broke up with him after that incident. (he got to spend more time with his buddies for a while…) But, we (you…) worked everything out (you crawled back to him because you missed the way he used to turn your knobs…) and got back together because we were still in love. (you love the way he turns your knobs… and he loves turning them…)

The girl that he cheated on me with says that he wasn’t very drunk (well obviously he was sober enough to beat her piñata…) but my boyfriend said he was, (he was sitting in a pool of his own vomit when “Chucky” suddenly took on a life of his own?) I’d much rather believe Nick (of course… the “ugly” girl hasn’t fingered your knobs…), I know he would never lie (he would never lie but he will play “Turn the knobs” and “Hide the sausage” with the “ugliest” girl in school… Yeah…) but after this whole thing happened — I don’t know whom to believe? (you mean you don’t really care to figure out the truth because one is great with your knobs and the other tells it the way it happened…)

So time has gone by, and things are okay now. (you still trust him 100% and he’s still out drinking and smoking it up with his friend (and enemies…)) But from time to time, I remember our past (maybe it never happened…) and get very upset. (maybe it’s just hormones…) He knows this (no, he doesn’t… you are acting all weird and he’s simply keeping his mouth shut…) and tries everything to make things better for me. (yes, those backrubs are all for you…)

Is being upset worth it for a guy that I love? (of course not…) Or is it time get over him and move on? (you mean to find a guy that worships the ground you walk on, and knows your knobs even better than “Nick”? Nah, that’s a crazy idea…)

Whew! I’m not sure if any of those comments make any sense to you… (I have a problem with most of them myself… What knobs?) I would see the comments as things to mull over when you try and figure out what you really want out of a life (and a guy (and a man eventually)).

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- Dog