Ask Dog

I am 19 years old and my best friend says it is wrong for me to go dating someone who is twice my age. What would you do? Is it wrong for me to date an older guy?

You should listen to your friend…

The odds of a 40-year-old having a meaningful relationship with a 19-year-old, is slim at best… Sorry…

In fact, any 40-something man that finds a 19-year-old girl interesting, or an equal, is feeble-minded!

However, it’s an altogether different matter if both parties agree that the only purpose of the relationship is to (time allowing in the 40-year-old’s busy real-life schedule…) meet and play “Hide the sausage”… Well, you are both consenting adults…

I think you are confusing the terms “dating” and “screwing”… They are two totally different things!

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- Dog

Is it ever right to squeal on a friend? My friend confided that she is involved in something horrific. I’ve asked her to stop but she has been seduced by the big money involved. Realizing she shouldn’t have told me she has since offered me hush money.

She works as an embalmer at a funeral home. I know it sounds crazy but she was approached by a prominent researcher at our local university to discretely sell him all the human blood she can collect. He is secretly extracting HGH (Human Growth Hormone) from it on behalf of a prominent billionaire known only as “Bill””. The rich guy injects it in his son with the aim of increasing junior’s athletic abilities. Apparently in the year they have been doing this, the kid has gone from being a skinny geek (like his dad) to a rising football and basketball star.

Should I accept the hush money or squeal to the cops?

It’s never right to squeal on a friend, unless it benefits you personally. Hush money is never a bad thing either… Who’s getting hurt here? Nobody! The dead people surely don’t need their blood anymore… The previously skinny geek is hardly complaining…

This is a win-win situation for everyone involved! Just make sure you get a fair cut for keeping your mouth shut. Heck, if the money is really good, why not lend your friend a helping hand? Maybe you would be able to collect twice the amount of blood if you were partners instead of “husher” and “hushee”?

Working as an embalmer is not as gross as it sounds. If you don’t gag when cleaning out, and stuffing a turkey, you should do just fine!

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- Dog

I have been dating a man for 3 years. We have both been married before. In every other way he is committed to me, but has not asked me to marry him, even though I have made it very clear that I desire a permanent commitment from him.

Should I give him a time frame, such as, if you are unable/unwilling to ask me to marry you by a specific date, I am going to take a break from the relationship? Why has he not asked me to marry him yet?

You have to work him if you want the title of “wife” on paper… Reassure and work him like he was a puppy humping the last pillow on the planet! You also better make it really good for him (better than a pillow…) He was there once already. Men don’t re-marry as often as women for a reason: men can only take so much nagging, and a Filipino maid is cheaper than a wife.

You have also only been involved for 3 years — that’s nothing! I bet he has underwear in his drawer that his ex-wife bought him that are older than your relationship!

To put it bluntly: if you could shoot ping-pong balls across the room using your vagina, you would have a rock the size of a tennis ball on your finger right now…

This website isn’t really a place for dialogue (more than the forum post for each post) but I’m curious as to why you want to get married? You have been “there” already and it didn’t work out… Why is marriage so important to you, and what’s different this time around?

Marriage in general doesn’t change what you have already. Yes, it might perhaps help with social and economical things, but it doesn’t make things more permanent. It doesn’t make what you have already any better, does it?

Sure go ahead, set a date… Nothing is more nurturing than having an axe having over you head…

Don’t you guys talk?

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- Dog

My infatuation with actress Kate Hudson has become a problem. She has taken over my life. While my wife knows I’m a fan she has no idea of how completely Kate Hudson controls my mind. Kate occupies every waking moment and fills my dreams with erotic thoughts. I am her slave. A small part of me realizes that somehow I have to regain control of my thoughts. I must stop Kate Hudson.

I feel that maybe my wife could help me break free but I’m worried she’ll reject me if I admit my infatuation. I’m sure if my wife knew what Kate Hudson has done to me she’d be very hurt. I still love my wife and don’t want to hurt her.

Should I come clean and tell my wife about my Kate Hudson infatuation?

I find your queries especially interesting as I could have written them myself! I can see where you are coming from as I have the same thoughts and feelings about actress Nicole Kidman and that goofy looking hobbit from The Lord of the Rings movie trilogy. To be honest with you, I don’t think it’s a problem… I would call it a “hobby” but on very many levels (some of the thoughts being in extremely deep and dark places…) But still in a healthy and sane kind of way!

When reading you letter, I sense “guilt” and I truly don’t understand why you have to feel that way. If you had been describing “art”, “butt shaving” or “juggling”, instead of “Kate Hudson”, no one would even react to your comments. In fact, had it been about anything else but a gorgeous woman, people would only think that you are very passionate about your chosen hobby.

I don’t understand why married men these days are so obsessed about “honesty” and “coming clean” about everything. I don’t get it… Your wife doesn’t have to know about everything that goes on in your mind at every minute of the day… She really doesn’t… Try it!

My advice to you is to enjoy your mind’s creative ideas, and Kate Hudson. Also, stay away from eBay! There are a many women named Kate Hudson out there… and accidentally buying something extremely personal of Kate Hudson “the retired music teacher” could be quite traumatizing.

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- Dog

I am a freshman girl in high school who has a terrible crush on my married with children 26-year-old literature teacher…

What should this freshman girl do about her teacher crush?

If he’s even “half-a-man” there is absolutely nothing you could ever do… Even if you acted upon your most twisted fantasies!

For you to even try to do something would be juvenile. And you would make a complete arse out of yourself… So what if (in a really pathetic reality) he abandoned or betrayed his children and wife for a childish freshman? Is that really a man that anyone could ever respect and trust? I know that “respect” and “trust” can be difficult words for a freshman, but if you think about them… for a long time… I’m sure you will figure it out…

A crush like that equals a bad rash on your arse — if you stop scratching it — it will go away quicker.

If all you want is some meat in you: look around! You are in high school… It shouldn’t take you more than a couple of minutes to find a peperette, or with some luck, a salami.

Grow up!

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- Dog

I’ve been looking for love without success.

I’ve always let the real me be very accessible thinking that eventually I’d meet somebody who appreciated who I am. It hasn’t happened yet.

I’m starting to wonder if I should hide more of the real me… Perhaps if I pretend to be somebody I’m not I can be more successful in love? That seems to be the strategy most people take. Is being yourself the best way to go to find a girlfriend? 

All relationship experts will tell you that being yourself is the best way to find true love… I disagree! Your life will be so much more interesting, and you will meet people you normally wouldn’t if you pretend to be someone else when out “looking”.

You are having no luck what so ever with your current persona so there’s got to be something wrong with you… Isn’t possible that you are an utterly boring and uninteresting individual as your “true” self? Pretending to be someone (or something) else is not only fun, it’s also a great way to learn about yourself, form new ideas, and evolve as a human being. What is “true self” anyway but a person minus all the crazy (interesting) things he or she does when drunk or wired on double espressos?

It’s important when acting out another persona, to pick one that doesn’t have any stigmas or expectations. It will also be less stressful for you as you can do as you wish, and no one will be able to question your integrity. Seriously, how many people have ever met a raccoon massage therapist or teepee designer? Wouldn’t you like to meet one?

Other interesting personas that are easy to act out:

1. Goat psychiatrist.
2. Exorcist of good spirits.
3. Bear tamer.
4. Bra inspector.
5. Afghan rock importer.
6. Professional croquet player.
7. Lap dance choreographer.
8. Bad faith healer.
9. Astronaut tickler.
10. Slow motion tap dancer.
11. Leprechaun spanker.
12. Dreadlock twirler.
13. Leather skirt polisher.
14. Mongolian upper lip painter.
15. Butt crack historian.

Pick one of these personas and go for it! Once you get married you can always abandon the fake persona and go back to being you. This is what all people do to a certain extent… You future wife will think nothing of it!

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- Dog

How do I know that it’s really over between my girlfriend and me?

The clearest signal is that she might accidentally hit you over the head with a hot frying pan while you are taking a bath. She might also drag your favourite hooker out of your bed and administer her a severe beating with a meatloaf or an old slipper.

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- Dog

How do I keep my woman for a long time?

There are only two options: freezing or embalming…

If you mean how to keep a woman in a relationship for a long time… There is only one option: realize, and resign to the fact that she is the boss, government and your Goddess — all rolled in to one.

You are simply the dude… Your only job is to keep her happy. When she is happy — you won’t be miserable, or punished.

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- Dog

My ex-boyfriend keeps asking me to talk to him because he wants us to get back together. Now I wouldn’t mind talking to him and that, except he’s lead me on in the past, which is why we split-up. He’d tell me he loves me just so I’d have sex with him!

I’m 17 and he’s 26 and I’m totally in love with him. I don’t know what to do! Can you help? Is he only after sex?

Yes, I can help… Keep your panties on for a couple of years! It’s always the young-one that gets hurt when completely different people play “Hide The Sausage”. You have already been screwed — on more than one level. You are more immature than your 17 years if you can’t see that you are being used (abused really).

You wrote: “…. and I’m totally in love with him”… Seeing the words “love” and “totally” in the same sentence from a 17-year-old makes it painfully obvious that you will be nothing more than a sock for guys to jerk off in, until you grow up.

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- Dog

I will be getting married in March 2008 and the person I chose as maid of honour doesn’t seem to be as interested or involved in the wedding as I would like her to be. She has a medical condition that she uses as an excuse all the time. And she also hasn’t talked to me in 2 months.

When I emailed her and gave her the option to step down because of the time involve in the preparation of the wedding, and how her health is more important, she said she would still be the maid of honour. I keep stating how much time and energy is going to be involved hoping she will give up the position but she insists she can do it.

Even though this is my second marriage (my fiance’s first), I still want this to be a special occasion. I just don’t want her to show up the day of the wedding saying how she doesn’t feel well, or worse yet, not show up at all (which has happened on other special occasions in my life).

How do I go about asking her to step down without hurting her feelings or making her mad? I really need someone who is going to be reliable and have the energy to help me get things done. So I guess… How do I fire my made of honour?

The wedding is 9 months away, and the maid of honour is already involved? It must be one heck of a wedding you are planning… Or are you perhaps obsessing a tinsy bit?

If you haven’t spoken to her in 2 months, is it really such a big deal if she gets a bit “miffed” if you find someone else? Do you really care?

No matter what you say, I’m sure there will be some “quetching” so why not give it to her straight? Simply tell here that there is a lot of work to be done, and you are not seeing the right “effort” from her side, and that you will have to find someone that has the time needed.

An other alternative: get some sedatives!

But the true reality check is… This is your second marriage now: you helped fuck up the first one. Why do you need a maid of honour in the first place? Honour, commitment, pride, sacred vows, etc. doesn’t mean anything to you, as you are now taking a second whack at the mole… Why don’t you simply do a drive-thru wedding? It will solve all your problems.

Your are welcome!

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- Dog