Ask Dog

I have an online relationship with a guy at my university. We chat everyday on the Web, but we never talk in real-life. I see him on occasion in passing, and we smile, but that’s it, and that’s all! How weird is that? This has been going on for 4-5 months.

When can you call a guy a boyfriend? I’m not sure what our relationship should be called?

How about calling it pointless and pathetic? Well, at least call it that if you are looking for more of a real relationship with him.

The fact that he hasn’t tried to bed you yet is an indication that he’s playing you like he plays a videogame. It’s not very rewarding, is it?

Instead of walking around swooning like a 12-year-old: step up to the plate of womanhood and talk to him. It really is that easy.

- Dog

I was together with my fiance (we were supposed to get married next spring) for almost 6 years. A couple of weeks ago he dropped a bomb on me: he said he was gay, and was moving out! And he did… he was out of the house the next day already…

How is this possible? Can you turn gay overnight? We used to have sex 4-5 times a week, and I don’t have a penis between my legs.

Let me guess: you guys watched a Matt Damon movie the nigh before? Kidding…

Well, he either caught the gay bug, and now lives the crazy life of a gay single man, or you were just delivered the most finite break-up line there is…

- Dog

Is it common for guys to want to get married right away? My boyfriend who I have dated for only 5 weeks has just asked me to marry him. He is 21 and I’m 23. I feel like I don’t know him enough to marry him…

What do I say about his wedding proposal?

No, it’s not at all common… Oh, my God, what did you do to him — in bed?

It’s too early! 5 weeks is nothing: you wouldn’t even trust a person you have known for 5 weeks to baby-sit your kids, dog, cat, or even your guinea pig. You haven’t even gone through a box of sanitary napkins or tampons with him in your life, and you are thinking about it?

How about a, “No?”. You formulate the nice and gentle let down of his immaturity.

- Dog

If I share a brew with a buddy and he has herpes or HIV or something like that, can I catch it too? The thing is that last night I accidentally drank from a friend’s beer bottle, and today he has this odd looking mouth sore… It’s freaking me out!

Should I be worried about his mouth sore?

Yes, worry… The Gods tend to punish those who steal other people’s beer. In Viking times you would get your arm chopped off if you drank of a man’s last alcoholic beverage.

Make amends by sitting on a Viking helmet for a day. This should please the Gods, and prevent you from catching anything from your friend’s horrific sore.

- Dog

One of those little mysteries that women and men have debated for years…

What do you think?

Let’s find out!

I was thinking about buying myself a pair of Crocs, but my girlfriend says she will dump me if I do. She says she would never have sex with anyone wearing a pair of rubber shoes.

I’m torn… I find the Crocs really comfortable…

Should I give up on my girlfriend and sex for a pair of Crocs?

Give up on a whining girlfriend when you find comfortable footwear? You really have to ask that question? Well, yes… absolutely!

In order of importance:

1. Good quality socks.
2. Comfortable footwear.
3. Girlfriend.

Crocs look like a dog’s breakfast, but they sure a comfortable. There are a lot of soccer mom’s and nouveau-hippies that wear the shoes… Both categories sport better sex than what a whining girlfriend can provide.

- Dog

I eat pills out of my grandma’s medicine cabinet when I visit her house. Sometimes I get stoned out of my mind, and other times I end up with horrible rashes and abscesses.

Once I lost all my toenails when eating some black-pink-yellow striped pills. I had a horrible time explaining that one to my husband.

How do I pick out the good stoner pills from the bad ones? All the bottles are old East German ones, with hand-written labels (she used to be an Olympic swimmer). Is there perhaps a medical lexicon I can use?

There is desperate… and there is really desperate and stupid… You are in the former category.

No, I’m afraid an East German medical lexicon won’t help you, as the pills are probably home brewed concoctions. Here’s the thing: all pills are not swallowed… Some go up the butt, and others are cracked and dissolved in water for drinking, and others crushed and snorted…

I advise against it, but you have to experiment in order to pick out the good from the bad. Some basic guidelines:

1. Your skull is getting elongated and you have a problem licking your lips = You have eaten to much HGH that should also have been diluted in water.
2. You get incredibly high right away, while also getting an urge to bench-press things — just before soiling yourself like there was no tomorrow = You have eaten a N2XX suppository.
3. You lose your all your hair and you can’t stop trying to lick your armpits = You have eaten her dog’s flea medication.

 It’s not worth it… Leave the poor woman with her memories and pills. Be smart and stay safe like the rest of us: Drink imported German beers instead!

- Dog

I’m 254 lbs. and I have difficult time finding boyfriends. Am I too fat to have a boyfriend?

When you say, “difficult time finding boyfriends”, I assume you didn’t just sit on them and they went missing in-between the couch cushions? I also assume that you can get out and are able to walk…

Is 254 lbs. fat? Well, no… Not if you are you are 8 feet tall… Here’s the thing: some guys like their women to be whales. Not quite sure where you find these guys though… Also, it’s not just the weight in itself… You are also unhealthy, which is not attractive to all men.

Will you have a more difficult time than a 24-waisted, big-breasted contortionist-nymphomaniac to find a boyfriend? Absolutely… It’s life. You have to work and look harder, and not only at your local Pizza Hut or McDonald’s.

Some people pig-out, other people enjoy rock-climbing. It’s a choice people make, and we have to live with them, and not only when it comes to boyfriends.

- Dog

Why are guys so afraid of commitment? I have been dating my boyfriend on and off for 8 years now, and he still hasn’t asked me to marry him… I don’t get it all!

What’s the matter with you guys?

Eating the same chocolate bar every day can get really boring… Especially, when it starts nagging about commitment, socks on the floor, and shopping for towels and Tupperware. There’s so much goodness out there that it takes one heck of a chocolate bar in order to swear off everything else.

To him you clearly aren’t that heck of a chocolate bar.

- Dog

The other night I got drunk and had sex with my best friend, even though I knew she got herpes from her last boyfriend. I’m afraid I have caught it also. Does this sex mean I’m a lesbian?

No, it only means that you are very stupid.

- Dog