Ask Dog

My 17-year-old girlfriend’s mother is making sexual advances towards me… At first it was flattering and I joked about it with her.

However, she is going more and more crazy everytime I go over there, and I feel extremely confused.

How should I deal with my girlfriend’s over-sexed mother?

Are you sure it’s not only in your mind? Are you sure it’s not just wishful thinking?

However, if she is really looking to can your sardine, ask yourself these three questions:

1. Is she hotter than your girlfriend?
2. Is she flexible enough to touch her toes?
3. Is she fit enough to take a mild beating?

If you answered “yes” to any of those three questions: make the switch right away, you lucky bastard! You can bet your left nut on the fact that you and the mother would be doing things that your girlfriend has never even heard of, or is too grossed out about to even consider.

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- Dog

My dad is using the computer in my bedroom to surf sex sites. I guess he doesn’t realize that simply removing a computer’s browser’s history deosn’t really get rid of the “evidence” of sites visited, and things viewed…

Should I tell my dad to use his own computer to surf for porn?

Don’t be such a smug little brat… Educate him instead! Sharing can be very rewarding, and it’s the right thing to do. By the way, what else do you need to do, in order to get rid of “evidence”? Hypothetically speaking of course…

Am I guaranteed to permanently get rid of depraved and horrific imagery and videos involving grandmothers, shaved sheep and vegetables, if I hit the hard drive repeatedly with a hammer after pouring sulfuric acid all over it?

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- Dog

I have been jerking off at least 5-6 times per day since early March, and I’m loving it! However, this new hobby of mine has put me in a spot (or many…) and I urgently need your help! Please… I can’t ask my mom.

How do I wash a Polar Bear pelt in a LG Tromm washing machine (model number WM2377CW)?

It’s always nice to hear people discovering things that they are good at!

The Tromm machine has a large capacity, so washing a Polar Bear pelt shouldn’t be a problem.

These are the settings I would use:

1. Main setting: Wool/Silk (the most pelt-like setting).
2. Wash/Rinse: Cold/Cold (Polar Bears live in a cold climate).
3. Spin speed: Low (you don’t want get rid of the fur).
4. Soil level: Heavy (as you have been going at it since March).
5. Detergent: Natural and mild (wildlife hate chemical baths).

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- Dog

My girlfriend is a nag! She doesn’t like my friends, my smoking, my clothes, my car, my job, my hair, my skin, my accent, my pet toad… And the list goes on and on! She doesn’t stop and it’s driving me flipping crazy! She’s trying to change everything about me…

Should I dump her even though she is a five star whore in bed?

No, you should not dump her… You should keep your mouth shut and think about the one positive aspect of your relationship.

Only dump her nagging (but obviously nicely working) arse when she starts expecting a ring on her finger!

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 - Dog

The other night something happened that makes me think I’m gay! I’m a 32-year-old male who has always enjoyed straight sex, but now I’m not sure anymore…

I was over at a friend’s house for poker, and when I sat down at the start of the game, I accidetally put my butt down on my friend’s daughter’s Barbie doll, and I loved it! I secretly sat on it for hours (sometimes looking at the blonde hair protrudinng between my legs). It aroused me! Unfortunately, I had to go to the bathroom eventually…

Do you think this makes me gay and the reason why I’m unmarried?

No, you are not gay… All thirty-something guys go through this phase… You simply have to find yourself a really skinny, big-breasted, long-legged and brainless blonde that enjoys having her face sat on, in order to get this out of your system…

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- Dog

My girlfriend is a vegetarian, and I’m a meat eater. She has now started pushing and nagging me to become a vegetarian too. It’s the standard arguments: “health…”, “poor animals…” and “the environment…” etc.

Well, I can’t imagine giving up meat and blood — not even for the best sex on the planet! Her arguments are weak at best when compared to the sex…

Am I right in ignoring my girlfriend’s vegetarian advances?

Yes, simply ignore her. She’s a vegetarian and therefore doesn’t function like a normal human being should. It’s not just her persona that gets lethargic in the afternoon and evenings — her brain is always lethargic from a sub-par diet. Sure, she might live longer than the average meat eater, but so do sea turtles… But who wants to live the life of a sea turtle?

If she simply buys her veggies in the grocery store: do you have any idea what kind of genetically manipulated, and herbicide and pesticide drenches vegetable you would be eating? Do you want to eat those Mexican chemicals?

Vegetarians in general are not sick and perverted people: it’s just that their rationale is sick and perverted. You can’t argue a point with vegetarians because they have smaller brains than meat eaters. It’s a well established medical fact that women’s brain are smaller than men’s… Now imagine a female vegetarian…

Eating meat is a primal urge that goes back tens of thousands of years to the time when our man-cestors first bit in to animal flesh. Meat was in fact the main catalyst for the evolution of mankind. Meat contains protein and minerals, which the brain needs to work properly. The introduction of meat in to our ancestor’s diet enabled the brains to grow, and the species to evolve. It’s also not a coincidence that males have slightly larger brains than women — it’s the extra meat that the male hunters were able to eat over thousands of years of evolution!

I agree that her arguments for becoming a vegetarian are weak, especially the “poor animals” one — who cares? We are not going to cuddle with them: we are going to eat them!

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- Dog

My girlfriend’s German Shepherd is extremely jealous and I’m afraid he will attack me. No matter what I’m doing, the dog always follows me around, and growls at me.

Is it worth giving up a hot girlfriend because of a dog?

Only you can answer the last question…

However, many men before you have had to deal with jealous dogs… Not knowing your exact circumstances, I can only give you basic tips:

1. Never wear old boxer shorts that are gapped open in the front.
2. After being “romantic” don’t rollover on you back… It’s extremely important that you never, ever, fall asleep on your back, as this is when you are the most vulnerable.
3. Never refer to your “bald one-eyed friend” as your “meat”, “chicken wing”, “turnip” or any other food product. It might get the dog riled up, and set him off in to a feeding frenzy.
4. When getting out of the shower, cover yourself in a towel and be careful when stepping over the dog. Also, never do it when wearing kilt, toga or a very small Speedo.
5. I know this is difficult for most men, but make sure you never talk to your “friend” when going to the bathroom, as this could confuse the dog and make him attack!

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- Dog

My wife doesn’t stop about that Oprah Winfrey Show… It’s constantly: “read this…”, “try that…” and “she said…” etc. It’s driving me crazy!

Then there’s the Oprah: magazines, books, recipes, and posters. There’s even a rip-off Oprah strap-on in our house, with me one the receiving end!

How do I stop this Oprah Winfrey madness?

I can feel your pain and anguish as I have gone through something similar with that mindless TV show, “Jerry Springer”. My wife was engrossed by the show to the point of insanity. She would tackle me headfirst in to the car when I came home from work. And often she would jump me for no reason and start pulling my hair and yelling, “stop sleeping with my husband!” (I know it doesn’t make any sense… I am her husband…)

The final straw came one day at the grocery store when my wife tore down a shelf of soup cans on top of me. Apparently she thought I have had a baby with Yoda from Star Wars… Needless to say, the “Jerry Springer Show” period was an extremely stressful and painful time in my life!

Here’s the thing… You can’t stop “Oprah” or “Springer” freaks… They simply need to be heavily medicated — talk to your family doctor.

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- Dog

One of the women at work wants to get it on with me, but in the office stock room only, because she is married. I’m not the most experienced guy… Do you have any tips for an office affair?

I do have some ideas on how to turn this encounter in to something you will cherish for the rest of your live…

1. Location — The stock room needs to be tidied. Sitting down on a staple gun is extremely painful, so is removing packing tape from a hairy back, and untangling paperclips from sensitive areas will make a grown man cry.
2. Timing — Early in the morning, or late in the afternoon will ensure that any food you have eaten is properly digested. You wouldn’t want to have a horrific accident — nothing spoils the moment like explosive gas, or worse: an accidental bowel movement.
3. Clothing — Only wear things you can easily get in and out of. A tux (even though appropriate) takes too long to get back on, if you need to make a quick exit. Lederhosen on the other hand is a time-proven garment for encounters of this kind, and has been used successfully in parts of Europe for centuries.
4. Doggie style — Going at it like you want to push her head through the wall will look better if someone happens to walk in on you, as has been shown so many times in movies. You don’t want to end up like a sissy if you by a million-to-one chance get caugh in the act.
5. The deed — Focusing on something horrific, such as pink ponies being napalmed while snoozing in a beautiful pasture, will make you last long enough to satisfy even the most demanding woman.

Good luck and all the best!

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- Dog

I have for a month now been in contact with this really nice guy that I met on the dating service match.com. Everything has been great even though we haven’t met in real-life yet.

The only problem is that we are running out of things to talk about. We have talked about what feels like “everything” already!

What can we talk about when getting to know each other?

First make sure you really have talked about everything… As obvious as it may sound… “Everything” is a lot of stuff!

Here’s a check-list of important issues that needs to be discussed in any relationship, especially when dating and before marriage:

1. Politics — Is President W. Bush really as mentally challenged, as he seems to be?
2. Religion — If you were God: who and what would you snuff out? Which would give you the most personal satisfaction?
3. Sex — What programs on TV are more important? What else would you rather do? How often do you have great naps instead?
4. Children — How annoying are they really? Are you willing to sign away your life and money to have one?
5. Goals — Apart from bedding a Hollywood movie star, what else do you wish to accomplish in your life?
6. Drugs — Do you avoid them like the plague, or do you often end up peeling off wallpaper with your front teeth?
7. Tobacco — How much is “too much” when it comes to Cuban cigars and imported pipe tobacco? 
8. Alcohol — Is Single Malt Whiskey really overpriced considering the great buzz you get before passing out?
9. Socks — How important are socks to you? Do you think it’s worth spending money on them, or are “tubes” from Wal-Mart ok?
10. Leprechauns — Would you do one a “favour” for a pot of gold? How far would you go? 

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- Dog