Ask Dog

Sometimes I get it on by myself much better than with any woman. What do you say about that… Who needs women?

Good for you! It will save you money on contraceptives, dinners and presents. Money that you can save, and later spend on hand creams and manicures, for those times when you wish to feel especially spoiled.

Another advantage not to be ignored, is the fact that your hand doesn’t nag. A big minus: eventually you will have to pick up your dirty socks, underwear and shirts off the floor yourself.

- Dog

Do men have a g-spot?

Yes, men have g-spots, but they are not the same as women’s g-spots…

The female g-spot is referred to as the Grafenberg Spot, and is an area located 2.5cm to 5cm (1in to 2in) inside the vagina, on the front wall.

The male g-spot is called the Good Spot, and is an area that the man finds comfortable: often the couch, the back seat of the car or a public bathroom.

For weak-minded men, the g-spot can be a whole country, like Thailand.

- Dog

Did Noah really build an ark with animals on it?

No, he did not… It all got misconstrued because of a poor Hebrew/English translation job of Genesis, Chapter 7, of the Old Testament.

In Hebrew the text goes something like this (paraphrased) — Luckily NO ONE was dumb enough to try and built a big ark for his family, and living creatures of every species…

- Dog

How come I only attract guys that are jerks and take advantage of me? They are almost always also twice my age, and sometimes married with kids.

What do I have to change to attract a normal guy?

First of all, there are no “normal” guys… There are just guys! If you want your guy to treat you nice, give him what he wants without being a dimwitted slut about it. However, always have him work for it, and more than a little bit…

You are attracting married, twice your age jerks, because you are gullible and easily manipulated. To stop going down that road:

1. Avoid guys twice your age.
2. Keep you legs closed once in a while.
3. Think.

- Dog

I have had a boyfriend for a month now. How do I know if I’m still a virgin?

Eh?

If his penis has entered your vagina: you are not a virgin any more… If you are not sure if his penis has been inside you or not: replace the boyfriend with a goldfish instead…

- Dog

Do you know if you are allowed to bring a dildo through airport security? I mean it has batteries in it… I live in Boston if it helps at all.

Thank you for your time.

Ok, you stumped me… I have no idea… Why don’t you call the proper authorities and find out? I’m sure they get that question all the time…

Why do you need a dildo on the plane anyway? You don’t get to join the Mile High Club unless you got it on with a partner. Playing with yourself on a plane only gets you in he club for dumb sluts.

Check it in with the rest of your luggage to be safe, or if not be safe, to at least spare yourself and everyone from an awkward moment.

- Dog

I have been seeing two guys (they don’t know of each other…) for 2-3 months. I know of course that this is not going to work in the long run, but I have a heck of a time deciding who to let go!

Any tips on deciding between two guys?

Yes, I have a few ideas…

1. They both leave you feeling like a clubbed seal pup in the sack?
2. They both place their stinky socks and underwear in the hamper?
3. They both cook you gourmet meals?

If all things are equal: pick one, as they are interchangeable. But really, that’s never the case… If you can’t see any faults in either of them:  they are not guys — they are terminators from the future, or you are incredibly gullible!

- Dog

Why do some men’s pants have an opening in the front?

Wow… You are not the leanest piece of General Tao Chicken, are you?

The opening, or fly, has been around since the 1650’s. Men had to get completely naked in order to take a leak before the advent of pants with easily reached openings. This used to cause a lot of awkward moments, and confusion, in many street corners, and on many village main roads.

An interesting note: you were not allowed in to London’s many drinking establishments in the mid 1800s if you didn’t have a fly on your pants. There simply used to be too many bathroom accidents back then, and the smell of urine soaked pants was often prevalent.

The biggest drinkers in the world are the Scottish… Why you might ask? Well, you don’t need a fly on a kilt, and it also customary not to wear any underwear with a kilt, which enables you to pee where you stand!

- Dog

I consider myself being mostly above-average, still my boyfriend dumped me for a complete slut. I just don’t understand what he sees in her…

Why did he dump me for the slut?

Perhaps he dumped you because you don’t speak in full sentences? Your quote: “I consider myself being mostly above-average…” What? Mostly above-average what?

Perhaps he dumped you because you are too full of yourself? Nobody gives a shit what you consider yourself being. Other people form opinions about you, and they are often completely different than what you have lulled yourself in to believing.

Perhaps he dumped you because the “slut” actually puts out… and knows what she is doing? It’s quite conceivable that she willing to do things for him that would make your head spin!

How come the other woman always becomes the slut? He probably considers her to be an upgrade, or at worst a Beta test run with a fallback plan.

- Dog

Why do all famous porn actresses have big hair? The bigger the star — the bigger and longer the hair. I’m thinking about writing a thesis on this!

Well, I don’t think a thesis is required. It’s common knowledge that a porn actress’ hair gets bigger and longer as she moves from skankdom to stardom.

Big hair as a porn star is also more practical than being short, or almost bald:

1. She doesn’t need a pillow when lying on her back.
2. She will when being on all fours, not get hurt when her skull repeatedly hits the bed’s headboard.
3. She will by having long hair also give her male co-stars something to hold on to.

Also, another thing to consider: semen is mostly protein… Almost all hair care products deliver extra protein to the hair in order to revitalize it… You see? If you double-up on the two you will of course end up with healthy and fast-growing big hair.

- Dog