Ask Dog

Does it mean a guy likes you when he checks you out while talking to you?

Yes, it’s possible.

It could also be that he simply approached you because your boobs were spilling out of your blouse and he wanted a have a closer look. Another more mundane possibility is that you had a booger on your chin or yoghurt on your shoes, and he found it amusing or fascinating.

It’s difficult to tell with guys. You will only be sure if any part of his body ever enters any part of your body. Guys rarely enter anything unless they like it…

- Dog

Why do we have five fingers on each hand instead of six? I know it has to do with biological evolution somehow but I can’t figure it out or find any information about it.

Can you help?

You will mess up your homework if you think “biological evolution”… You are close though: it’s called “practical evolution” or “natural selection”.

At the time when our furry ancestors first climbed down from the trees, they used to have six fingers and six toes. This however caused huge problems on the ground:

1. When picking berries and putting them to their mouths, they often ended up poking themselves in the eyes with their “extra” fingers. Half-blind monkeys make for easy pray…
2. When running away from predators they would often stab their “extra” toes on rocks and branches, thus hurting themselves. Limping monkeys make for easy pray…

Over millions of years the monkeys with the smallest “extra” fingers and toes survived, and they got to ”go dirty monkeys” with each other, thus passing on their genes to the next generation. Over time the fingers and toes got smaller and smaller, until they no longer were there.

If you look at “natural selection” today: the same thing is happening to humans and the use of iPods with rap music — pedestrians are being killed and maimed at an alarming rate! Scientists believe that rap music fans and performers will be dead and forgotten in less than a decade.

- Dog

I’m 19 and for the last 8 months I have been dating a kind and sweet 62-year-old man.

We have lot of external problems in our relationship: my parent won’t have anything to do with him, my girlfriends won’t accept him for who he is and people in general don’t let us be.

I love him and I don’t see this ending anytime soon.

Why can’t people accept our age difference?

I’ll reply to your email in point form…

“I’m 19 and for the last 9 months I have been dating a kind and sweet 62-year-old man…”

No, you have not… A 62-year-old man has been having sex with a 19-year-old girl.

“We have lot of external problems in our relationship…”

As he is 62, I’m sure he has some internal problems also.

“My parent won’t have anything to do with him…”

That’s because they are freaked out as they have buried your grandad once already.

“My girlfriends won’t accept him for who he is…”

They accept him as a 62-year-old man they don’t want to drag along to a Justin Timberlake concert because he can’t move and he smells funny.

“People in general don’t let us be…”

It’s difficult to be politically correct at a freak show; don’t judge them to harshly…

“I love him and I don’t see this ending anytime soon…”

I love my old printer but I don’t have sex with it — I will merely use it until it’s finished…

Yes, it will end soon, as he is a 62-year-old playing “hide the sausage” with a 19-year-old. He is nothing but an old pair of pants being worn out by a rodeo clown. The pants will soon be done for.

There are cute romantic age differences and there are creepy age differences… This is creepy.

Please go whine somewhere else.

- Dog

I’ve been in a romantic relationship with my priest for a couple of months now, and I feel that people have started looking at me in a funny way in recent days. Like they know something, you know?

Is it wrong for a Roman-Catholic priest to be in a relationship if there is love?

Well, Roman-Catholic priests are supposed to live in celibacy, but as newspapers show regularly: they are mere men and mortals, with balls and penises like all males in the animal kingdom…

Unfortunately it also sometimes seems that the Roman-Catholic Church is nothing more than an exclusive club for child molesters. So if you are above the age of consent — bone away! If you are under the age of consent, he is nothing more than one of the sexual predators we all read about in the papers every other week, and you should speak to your parents to correct the situation.

Normally you would go to hell for this, but I assume you can simply confess your sins, and get absolution from him afterwards. So in that sense you have it covered, and you can’t really lose more than your dignity.

 - Dog

My son is 16 and has had one girlfriend (when he was 15) but it only lasted for a couple of weeks. They are now only very good friends… He has a lot of friends, both girls and boys, but most of them are of the opposite sex.

He is a well behaved kid who sings in the church choir, and has always had great grades. He doesn’t listen to any evil music, only Celine Dion and classical music.

I think he has hinted a few times that he might be gay. What do you think?

Is my son gay or is he being a teenager?

Celine Dion and classical music? Yes, of course your son is gay…

What’s the big deal where he hides is sausage? You are lucky! It could be much worse:

He could have 4 pregnant girlfriends. Very few friends. He could be a lunatic on drugs, and have lousy grades. He could be singing in a James Blunt cover band.

Why do you feel the need to interfere if he is doing well? How about letting him grow up? Pitch in and help out when he messes up instead.

Realize that he is 16 and his sack didn’t drop too long ago, so his hormones are raging. Being a teenager is a confusing time - let him figure things out.

- Dog

I can’t stop masturbating! I do it all the time; maybe 3-4 times a day on average. I was doing it even when I had a girlfriend (she left me because she found me cleaning my mackerel in her parents bathroom when we were visiting).

I can’t stop! I get really annoying to be around if I don’t do it for a couple of days. At work they think I have a weak bladder because of my frequent bathroom breaks.

How can I stop masturbating?

Obsessive masturbation will you make blind, bald, fat, you will shrink, and your little mackerel will turn black and fall off… Simply handcuffing your hands behind your back would solve the masturbation part of the problem, but this will also slowly turn you in to something that looks like Danny DeVito, and that’s not a pretty sight. You need another outlet!

Dude, it’s always cool to find a hobby to enjoy, but you needs to take a step or two back when it starts interfering with how you live your life. That goes for everything: drugs, alcohol, sex, collecting paper clips, stamp licking, watching Riverdance etc.

If you can’t stop — see a shrink!

Cleaning your mackerel shouldn’t be the most important thing in your life, and it shouldn’t interfere with how you live your life. You need another outlet, and you might need a professional that can help you find it.

- Dog

I got engaged a couple of months go (and we are planning to get married next spring) to a smart, beautiful and sexy woman. She’s a knockout… but I find myself drawn to other women more than ever, and the women seem more attracted to me lately also.

This is really confusing, and I have started wondering if I have jumped in on a promise I can’t follow up on.

Why am I attracted to other women when I have my wife-to-be?

To answer your last question: because you have two testicles and a penis. Simple.

However, the fact that you have two testicles and a penis doesn’t mean that you should try to bury them in every woman that comes your way. Normally the woman you are in a relationships with has exclusivity to your appendages. That’s sort of “point 1″ when it comes to defining a monogamous relationship.

Marriage and a relationship in genereal is a personal choice: you prefer regular sex over the irregular sex of singles. Simply make the choice.

What you are seeing is called “the ring effect”… You are freaking out a little bit about marriage and thus you are paying more attention than before to subtle advances. However, do note that some (all) of these women might believe that you could be a “little something” as you have that ring on your finger… However, their first curious advances (or probes) will tell them that you are still pathetic, unreliable and half-a-man.

A vast majority of those curious advances by women would never lead to anything anyway… Sorry. They are merely checking you out, or checking if they still got it. It’s a game… As with a pinata or a penis — taking one whack at one rarely results in any kind of rewards.

How about getting over yourself?

- Dog

My vagina has been itching like mad for the last 3 or 4 weeks. I only have one boyfriend so I don’t think that’s the problem. Everything else seems ok, and I had a normal period. I feel like I’m going out of my mind!

Why is my vagina itchy?

You wrote: “I only have one boyfriend so I don’t think that’s the problem.” Who gave you the information that having two or more “boyfriends” automatically results in an itchy vagina? One thing I know for sure: it’s not a math problem!

Here’s the thing — you need a gynaecologist! Have you heard of them? They study female anatomy, and boxes especially, for many years, so they can they can help you.

No one on the Web can help you with your problem. A medical professional might need to dig deep and do some tests to find out what’s broken.

It can be something simple as a yeast infection or it can be something absolutely horrific, which it getting worse by the day… In order to rule out the former (and to get some help) see a gynaecologist as soon as possible.

- Dog

I’m 15 and I’m pregnant. My boyfriend who is 25 doesn’t want anything to do with me any more, and he won’t even answer my phone calls since he found out. My parents don’t know yet, as I don’t know what to tell them.

How do I tell my parents that I’m pregnant? Please help!

What to tell them? I’m sure if you say the following phrase, “Mom and dad, I’m pregnant!” they will be able to take it from there… Do it right now!

Child… A 25-year-old to you is not a boyfriend — he is a predator!

You will need to grow up really quick… You need your parents really quick…

- Dog

My husband and I don’t have any kids as he has a low sperm count. We also didn’t want to help nature along with an infertility treatment. We have both been fine with it, but now I have a huge problem: I cheated on my husband and got pregnant!

Do I tell my husband that the baby isn’t his?

No, of course you don’t tell him. It’s a well established fact that families are much more likely to stay together if the foundation is built on a lie…

So you went out and got the sauce somewhere else… and more importantly, by yourself. That was a really stupid thing to do! You could have just gotten a vile of sauce at an infertility clinic and your husband could have paid for it.

The odds of you becoming a single mother are fantastic! Pray that your husband is a better person than Gandhi.

If you are going to have even a snowball’s chance in hell to have your husband around in the future — you have to tell him the truth.

Congratulations!

- Dog