Ask Dog

I have a boyfriend, but I also have a crush on my boyfriend’s best friend. I feel really guilty for having these crazy thought about him. I will also often think of him when I have sex with my boyfriend.

I don’t know what to do? I guess you will say that cheating on my boyfriend would be wrong?

There’s nothing wrong about you spreading your legs (joy) around the world. There would be no more wars if all women pitched in and did their part… Heck, look at it as you are helping world peace along, if that makes you feel better.

You do as you please of course. I rather see you crash and burn for not listening than doing the right thing. There’s nothing more rewarding than being able to say: “Told you so!”

Here’s the thing though: aren’t you being a bit presumptuous in regards to this other guy? Do you really think that your box is so magical that he will stab his friend in the back for it? There are a lot of boxes out there, and only a scum sucking slime ball would stab a buddy in the back over one.

What if you are successful? You live happily ever after with a scum sucking slime ball? Come on! It doesn’t work that way because eventually a better box will come along.

What if you fail in your pathetic attempt? Well, you lose it all, and seven years from now you will end up pregnant by a meth addicted loser named Bubba. You spend the rest of your days cleaning vomit in his mom’s trailer.

Yes, I’m also psychic! Or was that psychotic? I don’t remember now…

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- Dog