Ask Dog

Guys often ask me out or come and chat with, but I always get nervous and mess things up.

Are there any techniques I can use to improve my confidence?

You don’t need any techniques once you understand the basic process of asking someone out.

Here’s the deal: if guys weren’t interested in you, they would not ask you out or come and chat with you. The guys have already made up their minds about you — they are interested in a relationship. If it’s a long-term relationship, or long enough one for the guy to get his nuts off, can be difficult to tell. This is why we invented dating, so we can figure things out.

You have nothing to be nervous about. The guys throw themselves at your feet, and you do with them as you wish… Why be nervous about that?

The only time a woman needs to be nervous, is when she goes out for a few drinks and wakes up chained and gagged in a dungeon. Other than that, you as a woman is always in control.

- Dog

I find myself having erotic dreams about you! I have never met you and I don’t know what you look like, and still this happens…

What’s wrong with me?

There’s nothing wrong with you. It happens to all women.

- Dog

This guy asked for my phone number and now he won’t stop calling me! Was it a mistake to give out my phone number to this guy?

Well, clearly it was… unless he’s calling you and is offering to wash your car, iron your clothes or clean your bathtub. In general, only give out your phone number to people you don’t mind calling you.

Who not to give your phone number out to:

1. Bus drivers.
2. Scientologists.
3. Convicts.
4. Sociopaths.
5. Serial killers.

- Dog

How do I know which girls are ready for picking? A friend of mine never strikes out with the ladies, but I do it 99 out of 100 times.

What is his secret? He’s not any better looking than me, and he’s not really a smooth talker either.

I’m completely lost here. Please help?

No need to feel down — I’m here to help. I’m surprised that your friend hasn’t shared his secret… What kind of friend is he really? No worries, I’ll be your friend!

The secret to never striking out is to only go after girls that feel insecure and defeated, and are emotionally drained, or damaged. If you are able to fuel her little flames of self-doubt with alcohol — even better.

Stir and fuel her fire, then make her feel better about herself. Make her feel wanted and the best thing since skip roping competitions on ESPN. When her head is hitting your bed’s headboard: give her a reassuring hug…

People are more emotionally available and open when they feel unwanted, sad and lonely. We are all egoistic social creatures… Nothing better than feeling better — nothing is better than the person that makes us feel better. Be that person that makes things better and you will never strike out again.

- Dog

Is it ok if I jerk off my friend? He is not gay and I’m not gay, but as I also have a penis, so I know how it works.

What do you say?

It’s ok, you have my permission… As you know… I have the power to stop people’s sexual urges. To be be safe, don’t do it while: driving, skydiving, playing with superglue, using a nail gun or regular gun, feeding crocs, airbrushing a BMW, performing a liposuction, or horsing around with a broken bottle.

Other than that — have fun!

- Dog

I have a friend and he’s turning gay. I mean, every day he’s turning more and more gay. I’m not sure I can have a gay friend. Is there anything I can do to stop my friend from turning gay?

I have a friend and he listens to Maroon 5. I mean, every day he’s listening to more and more Maroon 5. I’m not sure I can have a friend who listens to Maroon 5. How can I stop my friend from listening to Maroon 5?

Do you now see how silly your question is?

No, you can’t stop anything. You can however start having a life.

- Dog

Is it against my girlfriend’s catholic religion if I have sex with her while my buddies look on? She says it is, and I say it fucking ain’t! Who is right?

I’m right: it will be against her will, which means that you should have your balls smacked by someone like Roger Federer, Shrek or Rosie O’Donnell.

- Dog

My girlfriend I and I have been together for almost 4 years, and I would say that our relationship has been great in every way. However, recently she has started talking about being curious in a same-sex relationship.

First I was a bit shocked imagining her being a lesbian or bi-sexual, but after the initial shock, I have been nothing but encouraging. I like her very much and I believe I should encourage her to try something new, even though my parents and friends think I’m nuts.

Do you think it’s ok to encourage her to try a lesbian relationship?

You know those late night cable shows you watch when your girlfriend isn’t around? You know the ones that involve women getting it on while the boyfriends are drinking beer and cheering them on? Well, real-life is not like that…

What you are doing is encouraging a soon to be lesbian ex-girlfriend to dump your sorry ass. It’s very noble of you to help her find her true self, but don’t kid yourself: if she goes down that slippery slope… you will not be part of it.

As a side note: it’s very likely that you wouldn’t be in this situation right now, had you left her feeling like a clubbed seal pup every time you hit the sack.

You also wrote that you “like her very much…” What’s that? Perhaps she is simply looking for someone that will look at her as being more than “likeable”?

Face the facts: you are done — out — kaput…

- Dog

My girlfriend is liberal… hot… nuts… However, she also calls herself an eco-terrorist! This makes me nervous as I don’t want to be involved with any criminal elements.

Should I be concerned that my girlfriend is an eco-terrorist?

No, there is no reason for you to be concerned. Your girlfriend being an eco-terrorist simple means that when she is taking a dump in the woods (and her Nouveau-hippies are around) she will use leaves instead of toilet paper.

Some eco-terrorists will not wipe at all, but they are normally male b-list actors in between movies — not a concerrn for you as you are working on her lady-box. The good news for you is that very few female eco-terrorists will not wipe at all.

However, to be sure, watch out where your tongue ventures when you go down on her. Hepatitis-B will put a damper on any relationship!

 - Dog

I’m not sure what’s the matter with me? I always pick fights with my boyfriend, and almost always about silly things. I often feel guilty when I get back to my place. He is a great guy.

It’s even weirder that he accepts my outbursts. I think I would feel better if he got angry back at me (if he fought back) but he doesn’t!

How can I stop fighting with my boyfriend? I want to keep him.

Don’t worry about it… It will all take care of itself soon.

You are in a relationship that is clinically referred to as A.O.P.G.W.P.S — Annoying On Probation Girlfriend Who Provides Sex. In laymen’s terms it means that you will be out on the street the minute you close your legs.

The only reason why you are still his “girlfriend” is because the sex is worth your irrational outbursts — for now at least. Don’t kid yourself though; it’s all over when he is bored with you, or when something better comes along.

How do you get to keep him? Answer: stop being a neurotic self-centred bitch! If you simply can’t stop… See a shrink!

- Dog