Ask Dog

Why do you hate people? Why are you mean to people that ask you questions? Did something happen to you when you were a child?

Yes, something horrible happened to me as a child. It was August 6, 1974, and I was sound asleep in my bed because it was after midnight… I always used to be asleep after midnight back then.

That fateful night I woke up with a startle and realized that our family dog, a Shih Tzu named Helmut, was having his way with my leg. I kicked the dog off of me, and unfortunately he went through the open window, and landed on the asphalt seven stories down. It was traumatizing to say the least… What was even more traumatizing is the fact that that my parents had the dog stuffed and placed him back in my bedroom. For the next 12 years I had the dog staring at me with his glass eyes, and with a facial expression that can only be described as unadulterated hatred!

Having all this hate in my bedroom changed me… I started hating too… I started hating a lot of things: rusty screws, cinnamon, leprechauns, yellow snow, squirrels, cabbage, untimely Star Trek reruns, gefilte fish, white socks, and most importantly: stupid people.

Later on in life I realized that I can’t go around hating stupid people, as they are the majority of earth’s population. It’s a lot of work hating that many people! Instead I decided to help the sorry stupid buggers; hence this website.

It only looks like I hate people, because I speak the truth… and the truth can be hard to handle. But really, I don’t hate you…

The only hate I haven’t conquered yet is white socks and gefilte fish, but I’m working on that also.

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- Dog

I have a boyfriend, but I also have a crush on my boyfriend’s best friend. I feel really guilty for having these crazy thought about him. I will also often think of him when I have sex with my boyfriend.

I don’t know what to do? I guess you will say that cheating on my boyfriend would be wrong?

There’s nothing wrong about you spreading your legs (joy) around the world. There would be no more wars if all women pitched in and did their part… Heck, look at it as you are helping world peace along, if that makes you feel better.

You do as you please of course. I rather see you crash and burn for not listening than doing the right thing. There’s nothing more rewarding than being able to say: “Told you so!”

Here’s the thing though: aren’t you being a bit presumptuous in regards to this other guy? Do you really think that your box is so magical that he will stab his friend in the back for it? There are a lot of boxes out there, and only a scum sucking slime ball would stab a buddy in the back over one.

What if you are successful? You live happily ever after with a scum sucking slime ball? Come on! It doesn’t work that way because eventually a better box will come along.

What if you fail in your pathetic attempt? Well, you lose it all, and seven years from now you will end up pregnant by a meth addicted loser named Bubba. You spend the rest of your days cleaning vomit in his mom’s trailer.

Yes, I’m also psychic! Or was that psychotic? I don’t remember now…

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- Dog

This woman at work is making sexual advances towards me. She touches my butt and talks dirty to me, and often about the things she wants me to do to her.

There’s no doubt in my mind that she wants to have sex with me. There are a few problems with this: she’s married, she’s my boss and she’s freaking ugly! When I say, “ugly” I don’t mean “unattractive” — she’s lord-of-the-rings-goblin-ugly… Get it? You would probably shit yourself if you met her in a dark alley. That’s how bad it is!

However, the sex she has offered is some seriously kinky stuff… There’s no way I could get that kind of thing going on, unless I paid a lot of money for it.

Should I have kinky sex with this woman even though she is ugly?

Sheep are ugly… Sheep have holes… Sheep-sex is considered “kinky” (or depraved and sick) everywhere in the world, except in New Zealand. Would you do a sheep, or a Kiwi who’s in to sheep? I don’t think so…

Leave married goblin bosses alone, as they will end up scaring your soul, just like sheep do. It’s not worth it…

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- Dog

I know this hot girl quite a bit, but she doesn’t know me. I was thinking that as I know her, I could easily make her know me very nice.

Knowing this hot girl is an advantage, is it not?

Did you ever slip and hit your head poolside, while trying to feel up a crazed walrus in heat? I have no idea what you are asking me…

Yes, it’s nice to know people… Yes, it’s nice to know hot girls in particular, as they can come over and mud wrestle at your place. As you are probably well aware, it gets kind of old to always mud wrestle that mangy guy with all the liver spots, from down the street.

Knowing is normally a reciprocal thing in the way you use it — she should also know you if you are going to use the word “knowing” that way about her. If this hot girl is clueless about who you are — you merely know OF this hot girl.

Basically you don’t know any hot girls, and any advantage you though you had, is completely and utterly lost…

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- Dog

Yesterday my menstrual blood was black. My menstruations have always been perfect, but now it’s black! WTF?

Does black menstrual blood mean that I have a disease?

I have honestly never heard, or read, about menstruations being referred to as ”perfect”, but I’ll take your word for it.

Having educated myself mostly on the Web… I can with a  great level of certainty say that the black substance leaving your body is the ectoplasm of a recently departed demon. It’s nothing to be afraid or ashamed of — but do make sure that nobody paints a pentagram on your bedroom ceiling with it, or the demon might come back.

Here’s a tidbit for you: when you are leaking something, and you don’t have a clue what it is — talk to a healthcare professional. It only makes sense to stay away from the Web for these kinds of queries.

Come to think of it… Have you ever accidentally sat down on a gym bag that went mysteriously missing?

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- Dog

The first real boyfriend I ever had moved with his dad to another state a couple of years ago (his dad was in the navy). Well, they are back now and I feel like I could get really in to this guy again — he’s a hunk!

I have tried talking to him, but he doesn’t seem interested at all. I have gained quite a bit of weight (around 70 lbs.) and I’m wondering if that has anything to do with it?

Wouldn’t it help that my breasts are also bigger?

Well, your breasts might matter if you have also gained 4 feet in height, with those 70 pounds… I don’t know… there could be any number of reasons why he isn’t interested:

1. He hasn’t unpacked his bags yet.
2. He doesn’t want a girlfriend, or he already has one.
3. He likes his meat lean.

Instead of worrying about if your weight has anything to do with it; why not just live a life? Have fun. See what happens. As fantastic as this may sound: all guys don’t want their girlfriends to be a bag of bones.

Broaden your horizons a little bit, and look somewhere altogether different in order to meet someone that’s right for you. If you keep opening the same box, you well keep finding the same thing. This shouldn’t really come as a surprise to you?

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- Dog

I had a nice boyfriend but I broke up with him when a cute ex-boyfriend came knocking. My old ex and I dated for about a week, when he told me that his previous girlfriend wanted him back, and he dumped me. Just like that!

Do you think he only wanted me for sex? I’m not sure what to do now… The first guy that I mentioned doesn’t want anything to do with me and I feel like a stupid slut.

Please?

It’s not only that you feel like a stupid slut — you are a stupid slut. Next time think before you hitch up your skirt. Getting down and dirty with someone always has consequences. So does kicking out a guy on the curb, with the explanation that someone else showed up with dick in hand.

Of course he wanted (a got) you for sex. It clearly also wasn’t that much to savour either, as he would still be there with you.

Also, don’t confuse “dated” with “fucked” as they are two totally different things. Learn from it, and next time keep your clothes on, and let the guy work for it a little bit. This will get some time to figure him out. It’s a guy… so, it shouldn’t be too difficult.

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- Dog

What should I get my girlfriend for her birthday? She is going to be 22, and we have been seeing each other for 6 weeks. I was thinking about getting her a teddy bear, flowers and some chocolate, but I’m not sure.

Do you have any birthday gift ideas? Thanks.

Ok, don’t get her a teddy bear, flowers and some chocolate — she isn’t turning 12 for godsake! She will be turning 22, which is womanhood… If you are following through on that plan, why don’t you also cut off your dick and wrap it with a pink bow?

If she is really good to you: get her some jewellery. It’s her first birthday with you, and you have to suck up in the beginning. Buy her really good stuff if she can do the splits, or if she has ever suggested a threesome with a busty friend…

If she’s not all that: just buy her some flowers and take her out for dinner. At least you are getting a nice meal out of it. If you make it clear what the deal is, she won’t be expecting much after only six weeks of dating…

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- Dog

I will be marrying the man of my dreams in the end of October. Everything about our relationship is perfect except for one thing: his mother is overly involved in his life. She still does his laundry, cooks for him, and cleans his apartment pretty much every day. Last time when I went over to his place, she had even done my laundry!

Her involvement is just too much for me. I have tried to talk to him about it, but he just says that I’m overreacting. How do I get his mother to take a few steps back from our life?

So the man of your dreams is a mommy’s little boy, eh?

Well, look at it this way… You are in a lose-lose situation:

(A) You have gotten yourself your own personal maid. That in itself doesn’t have to be a bad thing, if she only comes to work when asked, and does only what she is told. However, there goes privacy out the window, and you are clearly not happy about that…

(B) You take over the role of maid, and ask her to stay the heck away… She will come to despise and perhaps even hate you — which is a normal mother-in-law / daughter-in-law relationship…

Pick your poison, and just suck it back.

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- Dog

Why is Shrek part of your penis poll? He is not human, so of course he will have a bigger penis than Tom Cruise!

Are you actually upset? That’s funny… 

Ok, I’m not sure if anyone has actually seen the penis of our beloved, jolly, green, animated ogre. Actually, I’m not sure if anyone has seen the penis of the over-worshipped, jolly scientologist, asexual Tom either.

It’s a poll… There are no right or wrong answers in a poll… I’m asking for intelligent people’s opinion, and if you can’t cope with that — please go!

For people that missed the penis poll: click here to read and vote.

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- Dog