Ask Dog

I’m 17 and my boyfriend just broke up with me. One of my best friend’s who was over to comfort and support me, revealed that she was gay and in love with me! I got really angry and disgusted and chased her out of the house.

I feel really bad now as she is a nice person and she was crying something awful. At school she looks really miserable and we don’t talk. Most of our friends don’t talk to her either as I told a few of my friends what she said. I guess everyone knows that she’s gay now?

I still feel disgusted about her gay lifestyle but I also feel bad because she’s so sad.

Can you have a lesbian girlfriend who is just a friend?

You really are a fucking moron and a disgusting stain on the human race if you don’t fix this! If you don’t make things right, you will always go through life as scum and someone that can’t be trusted as a friend.

I give you one thing: the timing of your gay friend’s revelation was probably not the best (especially when expressed to a flaky, immature and overly emotional person like yourself). However, not being a dimwit and immature 17-year-old like yourself, I realize that she was merely caught up in the moment and lost herself in her emotions.

You will have a really rough and boring life if you can’t forgive a person for something as non-threatening like that. She said, “I love you!”… So what advice do you expect to receive here? “Yes, she loving you is a horrible crime and she should be burned at the stakes?” No!

You seem to be a bit of a flake (you can fix it) — she still loves you…

You were dumped by a boyfriend even though you willingly spread your legs for him when asked — she still loves you…

There are much worse things in life than someone loving you… Granted, it doesn’t mean that you are obliged to engage in any sexual acts with her but it should all be taken as a compliment, no?

Your boyfriend simply used and dumped you… Your best (girl) friend loves you… Who’s the disgusting individual here? Really?

As for her “gay lifestyle”… She is 17 like yourself (I assume?) — neither of you have “lifestyles”! 17 is a storm of hormones and emotions… It’s confusing times! You should be hating your parents — not your friends!

Please do email me back with an update about your sad and pathetic actions (and hopefully good corrections).

- Dog

My girlfriend’s vagina smells! The smell is that of putrid fish and rotting cabbage and it’s not very pleasant. Is a smelly vagina normal?

My buddies think it’s hysterical and say that I’m just a complainer.

We have only been dating for three 3 months and it’s always been kind of smelly, but much worse as of late. I don’t remember any of my ex-girlfriends smelling this way.

Help!

Unpleasant smells and odours is not normal when it comes to vaginas… or any other part of the female anatomy. If this were the case — humankind would be on the verge of extinction… She has issues with her personal hygiene or she has some medical issues that she should have looked at by a box doctor (gynecologist).

If you frequently empty your balls in her presence, you should also have enough balls to have a delicate discussion about this, no? Be a man — help her out! Sure it’s sensitive but with some tact and class (and perhaps a bit of humour) it shouldn’t be a big deal.

As far as I understand, these things are normally fixed easily and quickly with a proper diagnosis and an accurate treatment method (can’t be done through buddies or advice columns — sorry!)

- Dog

I’ve known this guy for a year. We work together. He’s really sweet, funny and responsible. He’s 20 and I’m 19.

He started talking to me more than 2 months ago. He gave me his phone number and started flirting with me — staring at me at work, and telling me things such as “wanting to get to know me”.

Early on, we talked quite a bit over the phone and I felt like there was a connection there. However, after a while he stopped calling me and he was making up excuses why he didn’t remember, or couldn’t, call me. At work were avoiding and ignoring each other…

Not to long ago he asked me join him at a friend’s house. The visit was laid back and casual. That night when he was dropping me off at my house, I told him in very simple terms how I felt: “I really like you…” He said: “Ok…” That’s it! He didn’t seem positively or negatively surprised, we just hugged goodnight as usual, and I got out of the car.

I don’t know what to think of all this? He didn’t give me an answer!

How do I get him to be honest and straightforward with me?

He might be really sweet, funny and responsible, but he sure seems to have a tiny heart or a tiny brain… I’m not sure which… Leaving someone hanging like that is weak.

Why is he acting the way he his? Well, it could be any number of reasons:

1. He’s emotionally immature and it’s game for him.
2. He has a girlfriend (or is working on someone else (you are plan B)).
3. He’s not sure how to proceed because he’s shy or inexperienced.
4. Add your theory here.

Girl, you have to step up and sort things out — talk to him! Don’t give him a chance to be ambiguous or to back away. Ask direct questions that can only be answered with a “Yes” or a “No”.

Example.

• Do you like me? (Good). This encourages a yes, or no answer…
• What do you think of me? (Bad) This encourages fluff…

Demand answers! If he keep fluffing away — invest your time in something or someone more rewarding.

Perhaps he’ll contact you again, if you take a “break” from him; be direct again if he does! Don’t allow him to be ambiguous!

He’s clearly useless with it comes to you both. If you really care, stop wasting your time and just sort it out!

- Dog

Is breast milk bad for adults? 

Dude, if babies eat it…

However, considering that breast milk consist of around 5% fat — you could end up getting very fat if you drink gallons of it every day. Then again, I’m not sure where you would get hold of gallons of baby juice?

In general, anything humans do by nature (such as eating breast milk) is never bad or unhealthy.

- Dog

Why does my boyfriend treat me like garbage? He’s always talking down to me and flirting with other women. He’s always saying that my boobs are too small and that I should exercise…

He even tells when I should brush my hair!

This is a completely pointless question, and your description is horrific!

The only thing you should be asking me: “How come my asshole ex-boyfriend didn’t die when I ripped the head off a Voodoo doll I hade made of him?”

What goes around comes around (sooner or later…) Help that “sooner” along — dump his sorry pathetic ass right away!

- Dog

All popular guys in school have cool nicknames. People call me “Fozz” and I’m not nearly as popular as some of the other guys. Would it make me more popular if I changed by nickname?

Nicknames are normally given to you and it’s nothing you really change. Only pathetic people give themselves nicknames… Really, “pathetic” and “popular” doesn’t really go together!

If popularity is important to you — change your name to Barbie Slutsky, have a sex change, and perform disgusting and horrific favours in the boy’s locker room after gym class.

Come on! “Fuzz” is not bad… You nickname could have been: “vagina beard”, “blue balls” or “Mr. Clooney”.

- Dog

My boyfriend always has really long nails — toenails and finger nails… I think it’s disgusting!

How can I ask my boyfriend to cut his nails? Serious answer please! I do like him a lot and I don’t want to offend him. Please?

It’s not like there’s a practial reason to have long toe and finger nails, eh?

Yes, I agree, long toe and finger nails are disgusting… Unless your boyfriend is really in to climbing trees, simply order him to cut his nails! Surely you can place a simple request like that to him, no? I’m sure you have asked for much more difficult things: like sexually depraved favours in bed?

If you are ok to fuck but too shy to talk — give him a subtle hint next time your hit the sack: bite the nails on his big toes and pretend to choke, with pieces stuck in your windpipe.

- Dog

How do I get a girl to suck on my balls until I scream?

Place your nuts in her mouth (and in between her teeth) and punch her in the stomach! This will create tremendous suction… Yes, this will also make you scream…

Actually, instead of resorting to violence: have you tried a vacuum cleaner? You don’t have to buy it dinner!

- Dog

Which hunks and hunkettes are generally the ones that make you sweaty?

What do you think?

Let’s find out!

Why do guys have nipples? I mean, what’s the point? Guys don’t give birth to babies, so why would they need nipples when there’s no milk to produce? It doesn’t make any sense…

I’m not sure if anyone really knows? But as nipples develop way before any sexual organs on an embryo, I guess they are simply like any other giblets that develop in to basic bits that we all have, such as arms, legs, brains etc. Perhaps nipples really aren’t sex-specific organs, but develop and adapt as needed?

The male Y chromosome and Testosterone triggers the development of the penis and testicles, and suppresses the development of breasts in males…

The female X chromosome and Estrogen triggers the development of the vaginal and uterus bits, and stimulate the growth of breasts in females…

Hey, guys can also produce breast milk if there’s a severe hormonal imbalance due to disease (or SM = Self Medication) that stimulates the growth of breast tissue. The milk is not produced in the nipples, but in clusters of cells called alveoli. The nipples are merely delivery mechanisms… Everything else there just needs the right (wrong…) hormones to develop.

Also, guys get breast cancer too. So do your bit — help a good cause! Breasts are neat!

If you are asking the questions for a Ph.D. you are working one — check with a Nobel prize winner… I’m just speculating here based on what I think I know, and what makes sense to me.

Ok, there might be another reason why guys have nipples: it’s a cool and rewarding place to pierce! It’s also a place for payback for pissed-off girlfriends.

If somebody finds a reliable source on this: please drop me an email!

- Dog