Ask Dog

Any tips on eating a girl out?

Yes, use your face!

Things that have been proven to be a waste of time:

1. Spatulas.
2. Chop sticks.
3. Burger wrappers.
4. Rye bread.
5. Mustard.

- Dog

I would like to meet women who are always pregnant. I have been having looksies around different gynaecologist’s offices around where I live (in Memphis) and the women all seem to be mostly married.

Where can I find single pregnant women?

I don’t think you understand the biology of pregnancies… First of all, there is no “always” pregnant. Women are pregnant for 9 months — they deliver a baby — they need time to recuperate for months at a minimum.

Secondly, you mostly see women in different kinds of relationships having babies because it takes two to make a baby — a dude to supply the batter and a woman to cook it.

Sure, there are single mothers-to-be out there, but they will almost always have more important and immediate concerns that finding themselves a dude with a pregnancy fetish.

The closest thing you will ever be able to get to “always pregnant” is to make it happen yourself (it’s a lot of work and it will cost a lot of money). Your only other option is to move to a small farming community in Ireland (a bit easier if you can stand the goofy accents).

- Dog

How do I know if a guy is the one for me? I know of this guy that’s really nice and available but I’m not sure if he is the one. How do I tell?

You will never be able to tell if he’s the one for you or not, unless you take him for a test drive. Committing to a guy is like buying a car — you have to flick all the buttons and play with the knob to see if they work to your satisfaction.

The big thing about guys and cars is that you need to maintain them to keep the performance where it’s supposed to be. Regular service is key!

1. Fluid levels need to be checked regularly.
2. Daily cleaning and washing will prevent if from becoming a chore.
3. Don’t be afraid to get down and dirty — hard work will make a difference.
4. Never be ashamed to ask a friend to give you a hand.
5. Resign to the fact that lube is sometimes required to get from point A to point B.

- Dog

Is it normal for a boyfriend to enjoy smelling your feet?

My boyfriend loves my feet to the point of obsessing about them!

No, it’s not “normal” unless your boyfriend is a hunting dog or a Moroccan tobacco connoisseur. Your boyfriend has a foot fetish… Even though it’s not normal (or common) behaviour, having someone smell your feet is rather innocent. Hey, nobody is getting hurt, so what’s the big deal?

It could all have been worse, as he could have had a fetish involving Hungarian salamis and plastic bags together with asphyxiation.

- Dog

I have always been in to this guy next door. We have of course known of each other and said “hello” and things (as friends), but nothing more than that. The main reason being that he’s a couple of years older than me (I’m 15 now).

He is known for dating girls for a little bit and then dumping them. Basically he has a new girlfriends every other week.

Now he has started talking to me, saying that he would like to date me but that he’s afraid that he’s going to mess it up, because he cares for me. He says he has never had real feelings for other girls and it’s scaring him. He says he loves me but that we should take it slow as he’s afraid of commitment.

I’m not sure what’s going in here? Why is he afraid of me?

How can I tell if he’s interested in dating or not?

You sweet, naive and innocent girl…. He’s playing you!

He’s “afraid to mess it up”, “cares for you”, “never had real feelings before”, “it’s scaring him”, “loves you” and “afraid of commitment” are all part of the set-up, so he can have his way with you until he’s bored (which won’t take long).

He is looking for you to be a shut-your-mouth-tidy-over-relationship (S.Y.M.T.O.R.) The lines were delivered with only one purpose in mind: to get you on your back, and to keep you on your back until something better and more worthwhile comes along.

As he’s a couple of years older than you (18 or older) he really doesn’t see anything interesting about you. Seriously, the intellect of any given 15-year-old is as intriguing as crap stuck under tables in public places. You are merely an easy member of the female sex (with holes).

The fact that he is willing to pray on a underage “friend” (or someone that grew up close to him) tells me that he’s selfish, immature and a irrational. In this particular circumstance they are all sociopathic tendencies…

You should stay as far away as possible from him or you will end up used and hurt. I would also suggest that you talk to your parent about him…

In any case, it’s always advisable to play with kids your own age.

Don’t become a slaptart — be smart.

- Dog

I was on a date with a guy from work. Everything was going well and he was being a real gentleman, until we shared a dance — he got a huge erection!

Is it normal for a guy to get an erection while slow dancing?

Guys get erections anytime and everywhere, even when line dancing, tap dancing and clog dancing… Erections also happen while attending baptisms, weddings and funerals… It even happens while playing with chainsaws, licking stamps and stepping on a rusty nails…

Guys think about sex every two minutes!

Your date got an erection because he though about sex while dancing with you. Ok, his thoughts might not even have involved you (but the skanky skinny chick at the bar) but if it was you… What’s so bad about it?

The alternatives are worse:

1. He will only get huge erection when bathing your dog.
2. He only gets an half-arsed-erection when you smell like meatballs.
3. He can’t get an erection unless you are on another continent.

Embrace his huge erections when they happen around you! Who knows? You might just be the reason for some of them!

- Dog

What are STDs? My family says I should be careful of them, but I’m too embarrassed to ask what they are!

They are some kind of disgusting diseases, right?

STDs — Sexually Transmitted Diseases. They are diseases passed on by sexual intercourse. Common ones are: marriage, childen, mortgages, nagging and death.

- Dog

My girlfriend is Wiccan, which I guess means that she’s in to witchcraft and stuff like that? I don’t think she has slipped me any Wiccan love potions, even though I love how wild she is in bed!

She has a lot of pluses when it comes to sex, but her leaving for meetings with her Wicca coven every other night is getting on my nerves. As I understand it, her leader is a male… Should that make me nervous? You know, meeting up in the middle of the night doing whatever those Wicca folks are doing?

Thoughts on girlfriends and Wiccan theology? Witches and witchcraft?

I don’t see a problem here… She has a mind of her own. She will do as she sees fit, being in to Wicca or not. Your girlfriend not shaving her legs, painting with her menstrual blood and getting involved in poor rhythmic drumming, should be minor issues if she also worships your man-meat, no?

Not to worry… Your girlfriend is not a witch — I bet she couldn’t bite the wings off a live bat even if one got stuck in her hair! Most Wiccans are into hot coco and blueberry muffins when they get home, and in from the cold (it’s a “magical” combination when you are frozen…)

Don’t worry about the dudes involved in Wicca (or her “leader” specifically). They are looked down upon by most senior female Wiccan practitioners. You often hear them refer to males as “our bitches” or “our main bitch” if one is the “High Priest”.

Wicca is not witchcraft — Wicca is a nature-based religion! The Wicca as practiced today is actually a new theology… It was made up in the mid 1950s by a retired British civil servant (Gerald Gardner) who wrote the books Witchcraft Today (1954) and The Meaning of Witchcraft (1959).

All Gerald Gardner did was to rehash bits of crap that were thought up by different people in the 1920s-1940s… Then he filled in the “blanks” with variations of different pagan beliefs… Yes, of course he also made up a lot of goofy stuff to further his goal of making a compelling story and theology (and as much money as possible).

So, yes, Wicca is really a theology invented by a retired British civil servant! Being a fiction writer made it very easy (and I bet very amusing…) for him to make it all up. Hey, it was the 1950s and people were extremely gullible and easily rattled back then!

As you can see (your girlfriend being one of them)… Some people today are still gullible and easily rattled, which is why Wicca is still around (however, often it’s merely a phase for Nouveau-hippies, tree huggers and teenage girls with their teenage angsts).

You will see many flavours (variations on the theme) of Wicca as the theology doesn’t have a centralized organization. Covens, priests, priestesses and even solitary Wiccans remove and add to “their” theology as they see fit (to suit their agendas and needs). It’s quite common for different covens to scrap things they deem to be too much work, or simply too ridiculous. Yes, some Wiccans add some “spooky” and “dark” elements in there to spruce things up a bit (especially when new members are initiated in to a coven or group).

However, it’s all in good fun, and as a generalization — it’s all relatively harmless. Yes, as in any structured group: you have to earn your stripes and kiss ass before being fully accepted. Newbies are generally looked down upon, but this is nothing unique to Wicca — it happens in every area of life.

Sure, there are of course crazy people involved in Wicca also, but again, not any more than any other organized or disorganized religion.

The covens mostly meet in the evenings for a reason: embarrassed and red faces can’t be seen that well in the dark or by an open fire…

However, I do agree with the Wiccan Rede: “An it harm none, do what ye will.”

Hope you learned something…

Don’t worry — just enjoy your wild-in-bed Wiccan girlfriend!

- Dog

Sometimes my teeth will bleed when I brush them. I have tried using softer toothbrushes but they still bleed. I’m not afraid or anything, just perhaps a little bit nervous?

Does bleeding teeth mean I have a disease?

No, it means you are a freak of nature! Teeth don’t normally bleed unless you have alien DNA inside your body. If your jaw and teeth can expand a good foot away from your face — seek help at a university research hospital.

Sometimes alien DNA can cause less spectacular changes to teeth… Check with your dad and see if he has ever been abducted and anal probed by aliens!

Just to make sure… Are you sure you didn’t mean bleeding gums? If this is the case, you could be suffering from any or all of this: dental conditions, gingivitis, gum disease, diabetes, a bleeding disorder, vitamin deficiency, leukemia and more…

To make sure your teeth doesn’t fall out, or much, much worse — see a dentist! He or she will refer you to a specialist if need be.

- Dog

We are all looking for different things in a relationship… or are we?

What do you think?

Let’s find out!