Ask Dog

Should I worry that my teenage son masturbates with my Sears catalogues? Do I need to talk to talk to him about it? He’s 17 if that helps.

Please help with a proper answer.

I’m not sure how one would go about masturbating with Sears catalogues? Sounds kinky! Ok, I assume he’s slapping his hamster to imagery in said catalogues?

No, there’s no reason for worry unless he does it to imagery of John Deere lawn tractors, Christmas ornaments and kitchen tools. If he does it to the scantily clad ladies in the lingerie section — get your son his own computer with high-speed internet access, so he can get his sauce material like a normal 17-year-old. This will also keep your catalogues clean and usable!

Talk to him? Talk to him about what exactly? I sincerely doubt that he’s currently looking for knob polishing tips from his mom. You don’t need to talk to him about anything!

However, as I mentioned above, he’ll will leave your catalogues alone if he has high-speed Internet access.

Make it a Jolly Christmas for you son — splurge on cable!

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- Dog

As you are Canadian, you should know if that singer from Hedley (Jacob Hoggard) is gay?

I have heard rumors but I’m not sure… I also don’t want to waste my time!

Is Hedley’s Jacob Hoggard gay?

I’m not Canadian — I’m Swedish. I just live in the most excellent and superior nation of Canada. However, I do know the answer to your question: no, Jacob Hoggard is not gay! In fact, we don’t have any gay people in Canada, as they all move to California when they catch the gay “bug”.

If you are looking for quick gay date — try Lavalife.com.

If you want to good music and good pipes — go with Jacob Hoggard and Hedley.

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- Dog

I would like to learn to play the guitar but I have no money for lessons. Is it true that it will be more difficult for a teacher to correct things that I have taught myself wrong?

Are there any alternatives to guitar lessons?

If you want to learn to play the guitar — just do it. No point in worrying about what a teacher might need to correct or not in the future. The important thing is to start and to work at it and to have fun.

Sure, it’s always better to work with a good teacher, as he or she will teach you proper techniques right away. Sure, it’s a bit more work for a teacher (and yourself) to get right of bad habits that have become part of who you are. However, having bad guitar habits to get rid of is always better than no guitar habits at all…

Buy a good and fun book to start with; check out Hal Leonard’s Guitar Method. The full edition (all three books) can be had for around $30 and it will take you far. The books also comes with CDs of the different lessons. It should be available at most music store, if not — order it from Amazon.

Good luck and have fun!

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- Dog

Both my girlfriend and I live at home and therefore have limited opportunities to have sex, as our parents would never allow it.

We used to have sex in a local McDonald’s restroom but we were caught in the act once and now my girlfriend refuses to go back.

What’s the best place to have sex? Please don’t say “car” as neither of us have one.

The key to being undisturbed is to find a place that’s not visited that often by people… Why not try a Wendy’s restroom?

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- Dog

Is it true that there is that one special person out there for all of us?

No, it’s not true at all… “That one special person” is a romantic notion intended to inspire people to try a little harder, and not to settle for second, third, fourth or fifth-best.

However, very few people find that one special person who owns a brewery or a liquor store… Most people simply have to settle for what’s there when their biological clock strikes midnight.

Dating and marriage for the average individual is like musical chairs!

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- Dog

Why haven’t you answered my question yet? I was asking if it’s ever ok to have sexual feelings for my grandmother if she’s not too old?

I normally answer questions in the order I receive them. However, as explained here – your question might be ignored if a similar one has already been answered.

As to your grandmother question: no, it’s never ok to have sexual feelings for her. A grandmother’s job is to spoil her grandchildren with presents, money and cookies — not by spreading her legs!

Don’t waste your energy on senior citizens, especially if they are family members that bake great cookies. As the old classic saying goes: “You can’t have your cookie and fuck it too!”

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- Dog

What does monogamy and polygamy mean? An inquiring young man needs to know…

If you have a dictionary questions — why not use one? However, as you are here…

Monogamy — You have a sexual relation with one partner for a period of time.
Polygamy — You are crazy enough to marry more than one woman just to have several sexual partners at your disposal at any given time (despite excess nagging, bitching and moaning).

Your forgot a related word:

Clooney — You have sexual relations with as many wannabe-actresses as your tongue and penis can cope with before you die.

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- Dog

My girlfriend refuses to have sex with me unless I first repair some damage I have done to her car. Her garage estimates the damage at $2,800 but I only have $1,400. She only expects the full amount or nothing!

It’s been over 2 weeks now and I’m going crazy! How do I get my girlfriend to have sex with me?

She will only have sex with you for $2800? How about you find yourself a cheaper hooker for your $1400? The money you have should tidy you over for a while if you scrape the bottom of the prostitution barrel.

If the sex absolutely has to be with your girlfriend, spend your $1400 on jewellery, champagne and roofies.

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- Dog

I’m 16 and I want my tongue pierced. My girlfriend did it a couple of weeks ago and it’s really hot!

I need my parents permission to get it done but both of them refuse to sign the agreement. Yes, I could easily forge one of their signatures…

How do I hide a tongue piercing from my parents?

It’s not easy to hide a piercing, especially in the beginning when your tongue swells to twice its normal size. In fact, the only way to hide a piercing is to keep your mouth shut at all times, or to grow a long moustache that hangs all the way down to your lower lip.

Be careful not to get your tongue piercing all tangled up with your girlfriend’s jewelry!

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- Dog

I’m 19 and I wish to serve in the US armed forces in Iraq. I don’t care what branch I go to, but I want to do something significant for my country. My only problem is that my left leg is slightly shorter than my right one, so they don’t want me.

Do you know what’s worse? I have been a member of Mensa since I was 11 with an IQ over 145!

Is there really nothing for me in the Armed Forces?

This is an advice column and not a recruiting office… However, I’ll take a crack at it, as you found yourself here…

1. You are really stupid for a guy that has an IQ over 145… Why risk getting your arse blown clean off for a Commander-in-Chief that would be hard-pressed to find a janitor’s position on the Planet of the Apes?
2. You might be able to walk straight in day-to-day life but you could be a danger to yourself and others in a life threatening situation due to your short leg. I can imagine it being difficult getting off a burning ship with you running around in circles and getting away of people. You are not safe in an urgency and panic!
3. You can’t do anything “significant” for your country — you can merely work for Uncle Sam… If you want to do something significant and meaningful — help a person in serious need in your community.

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- Dog