Ask Dog

My boyfriend is amazing! He’s a university hockey star, good-looking and magical in bed — a dream basically.

Now he’s asked us to move in together! At first I was incredible excited but now I’m getting nervous…

What if we lose the magic by sleeping in the same bed every night?

Don’t worry! Young good-looking hockey stars who are magical in bed don’t sleep in one bed only… In other words: you won’t lose the magic. The only risk is that he will find someone more “magical” than you, but that’s entirely out of your control…

Ever heard of the term “puck bunny”? They are out there in herds!

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- Dog

I’m 28 and have been married for 3 years. I would think that I’m the perfect wife by any man’s standards:

1. I’m good-looking and work out daily.
2. I enjoying cooking and cleaning.
3. I love to watch sports — even basketball.
4. I love pleasing my husband and I’m open to threesomes.
5. I never nag and my PMS is hardly noticeable.

Why does he still feel the need to cheat on me with his employees?

Perhaps you are too predictable and boring? Other possibilities:

1. You can’t do the splits?
2. You breasts are too small?
3. You can’t suck a pork dumpling through a straw?
4. You can only take mild spankings?
5. You don’t shut up?

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- Dog

Why do girls always feel the need to kiss and hug in public, even though they only saw each other a couple of hours ago? It doesn’t make any sense! You don’t see guys hugging and kissing each other every time they meet up?

Why do girls need to touch each other all the time?

What’s the matter with you? The only problem here is that girls don’t kiss, hug and touch each other nearly as much as needed, in order to look incredibly hot!

Why do they do it? It’s because all females have bisexual tendencies, and they just need that one little arsehole boyfriend to go all out. The public showing of affection is just a way to keep the options open (and to check that the option is still there…)

Straight guys don’t need to do it, because if worst comes to worst, all they need is a fast hand and a fast Internet connection.

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- Dog

Is it true that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach? If so, what does it mean?

I think it means that if I cook him good food, he’ll fall in love with me? Is this correct? Please help!

I want this one particular man but I’m not being successful in making him fall in love with me! If it only takes good recipes — where do I find some?

Yes, it’s true that the way to man’s heart is through his stomach! However, it doesn’t mean that you need to cook for him… The key to making him falling in love with you, is to give him the nastiest sex he has ever experienced, and then afterwards fetch him a piece of chicken and a cold beer.

In general, you don’t need a recipe to cook for a man… All you need is a big chunk of AAA beef — grilled medium-rare.

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- Dog

I have been doing some interviews to be part of The Apprentice with Donald Trump. So far everything looks pretty good and I might actually make it.

I originally thought about trying out for Survivor but I figured I would have a better chance with Trump’s show. I really want to be on TV!

Should I go on The Apprentice even if I hate the show? I hate that arrogant slime ball Donald Trump also!

Yes, you should definitely be on TV if the opportunity presents itself! Don’t worry about hating Donald Trump — everyone hates that arrogant slime ball — prick.

Heck, his funky hairdo only stays as is because of all the employee spit going in his direction.

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- Dog

Do you like boobs?

Yes, as long as they are attached to a female torso (with all limbs and the head in place the right way).

Boobs by themselves do very little for me. In fact, I have never met or talked to a pair, except perhaps for ones that gave me a speeding ticket the other week…

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- Dog

I think I have a chance to get my sister and her friend in bed!

Should I go for a threesome if I really get the chance?

Your sister? Who is her friend — “her” mother?

Dude, that’s just freaking gross… It has been standard practice for centuries not to take family members to bed because it’s gross and just plain wrong. Hey, in most places in the civilized world it’s also illegal. It also increases the chances of creating dimwitted George-Bush-babies…

Besides, I don’t think you have a bed in your trailer that can hold three people!

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- Dog

I broke up with my girlfriend of 3-years when I found letters showing that she was corresponding with a old acquaintance of mine, who is in a State Prison. Worst part? I think she has even visited him there!

She didn’t deny her feelings for him, but didn’t say if she had visited him.

Here’s the thing: I’m so done with her, but I’m also worried about her, as he’s a very dangerous and crazy man. He’s really good at manipulating people, so I doesn’t surprise me that she thinks that she can make him a better person (rescue him) or whatever she thinks she’s doing.

Shall I try to help my ex or do I let her crash and burn? One part of me says that she deserves every bit of misery that will come her way when he gets out. On the other hand… He’s dangerous and borderline psychotic, especially when getting in to heavy drugs again.

She’s so naive and innocent… She really believes that she can change this career criminal and junkie!

I guess you are not entirely “done with her”… Ok, perhaps it’s all over and done with romantically, but I guess you can’t watch her walking in to a big flogging, eh?

If you have already told her everything about this guy — what else can you do? Nothing! Some people need to seriously mess-up before learning something… In other words: let her learn on her own!

It doesn’t mean that you can’t extend her a hand if she’s drowning and screaming for help. However, make sure you help as a decent human being, and not an ex, or future boyfriend prospect.

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- Dog

Does large feet on a man mean he has a big penis?

Yes, it does! Nature made it so that men’s feet are bigger when they need to carry around a large package. The larger feet helps a man keep his balance with the extra weight in the front…

Mother nature has a way of making things work! Another fascinating adaptation: she made women’s brains smaller than men’s, so that they get drunk faster — thus naked faster — thus helping the species propagate faster.

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- Dog

Why does Christmas cause people so much stress? The holiday is supposed to be fun and relaxing family time, no?

Supposed to be? A lot of things are “supposed to be”… Tom Cruise is supposed to be heterosexual and legally sane for instance…

Christmas doesn’t cause people stress — Kenny G and his saxophone causes people stress!

Nothing much worse than hearing Kenny G toot himself through Silver Bells on a mid-November morning while on the way in to work. Hearing Kenny G playing Silent Night on the clock radio on a Monday morning in August is also excruciating…

Christmas would be merrier and completly stress free if only Kenny G was put to death.

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- Dog