Ask Dog

I always get drunk at New Year’s Eve parties and do things that are out of character.

In 2005 I even got pregnant by some guy and had an abortion. At another party a year ago I ended up in a Jacuzzi and did some really disgusting things that ended up on YouTube thanks to a camera phone (but luckily they were nice enough to remove it or I would have lost my job).

Please tell me how to find a safe New Years Eve party?

You really have to ask the question?

Ok, here goes nothing:

1. Stay sober and don’t do drugs.
2. Keep your clothes on at all times.
3. Don’t wear a silly paper hat.
4. Keep your mouth and hands to yourself.
5. Only attend parties where cell phones and cameras aren’t allowed.

Are you the redhead with the big hair and the vintage Rolling Stones t-shirt? If you are — let me know if you charge by the hour, and if you can be discreet (nobody needs claw and bite marks all over their bodies).

Stay safe — be good!

Happy New Year!

- Dog

Is it ever ok to cheat on a girlfriend? I have thought about this a lot and as far as I’m concerned: if she doesn’t find out — what’s the harm done?

How can something be bad for our relationship if only I know about it? Seriously?

It’s perfectly ok if the woman you are playing skin tag with is hotter than your current girlfriend by a factor of 2.3. And as you have clearly figured out already; there’s no harm done if she doesn’t find out. Any “trust issues” only come “issues” if she finds out, right?

Again, it’s vital that nobody ever finds out… If somebody ever finds out, your girlfriend might also eventually get the details of your sexscapades.

To make sure that your girlfriend never finds about the other woman:

1. Don’t boast about the affair to your best friend (not even to your mother or the pizza delivery guy).
2. Only have sex in another city or state (country or continent is preferred).
3. Make sure that the woman you are nailing is completely clueless (or is a predatorial slut who lives in a rundown trailer in the woods).
4. She will have an easier time with discretion if she’s blind, deaf and mute (or if she’s mentally “not all there” and from Cambodia).
5. When having your get-togethers: always start by getting her drunk (or sedated in to a vegetated state).

Failure to follow up on my list might result in your girlfriend finding out. Women have built in radars for these things…

The last thing you need is for her to find out while she’s chopping vegetables, and you lie passed-out naked on the bathroom floor.

- Dog

My 6 1/2-year-old son refuses to use the toilet and thus is still in diapers. I have tried to encourage him with all kinds of different rewards but nothing has worked.

I even promised to buy him a puppy if he started to use the toilet but the promise of a puppy didn’t work either. I’m not sure what to do! I feel like a failure as a mother and the whole situation is embarrassing.

How do you toilet train older children?

I assume you have had him checked up by a pediatrician to make sure there’s nothing physically or mentally wrong with him?

If you are sure that he isn’t just holding out for an Abrams battle tank (puppies don’t interest all children) — start playing hard ball with him…

Simply stop using diapers on him! It takes a pretty strong person to empty their bowels on the living room carpet. Whenever he craps or takes a leak anywhere but in the bathroom — put one of his toys under the hammer!

He’s a 6 1/2-year-old and should understand that “every action has an equal and opposite reaction” — he craps on the living room floor = you rip the arms off, and crush the head of, his beloved Buzz Lightyear toy.

Sometimes all you need is a little childhood trauma to stop unwanted behaviour!

- Dog

I’m afraid of lint. It’s a medical condition — a phobia without a name. Socks and lint is probably the worst combination for me.

My boyfriend thinks my condition is funny and he clearly doesn’t understand how much lint upsets me.

How can I make my boyfriend accept my phobia?

Why does he need to accept your ridiculous phobia? It’s lint…

You should go to a hypnotherapist and have your lint phobia converted in to something more sane and easily controlled, and accepted, such as:

1. Spiders.
2. Bees.
3. Snakes.
4. Mice.
5. Spoons.

- Dog

It’s almost another New Year and my husband still hasn’t tried acting upon his New Year’s Eve resolutions from last year:

1. Not hiring prostitutes and strippers.
2. Not smoke Meth.
3. Not to steal from young children.

Are these failed promises grounds for leaving him?

How about some patience woman? It’s freakin’ 4 days left until New Year’s Eve 2008! A lot can be accomplished in a couple of days…

Here’s the thing though: his resolutions are null and void, simply because they aren’t formulated correctly. I checked with the federal legislature and they confirm that resolutions shouldn’t be written in negative form.

In other words: you can’t formulate a New Year’s Eve resolution stating things that you won’t do — you may only state things that you will do.

Example.

Not hiring prostitutes and strippers (wrong) >>>
Will masturbate daily (correct).

Not smoke Meth (wrong) >>>
Will eat more carrots (correct).

Not to steal from young children (wrong) >>>
Will sell banned Chinese-made toys (correct).

- Dog

You think you know everything but you don’t! There’s a whole world out there that doesn’t revolve around getting laid or acquiring a partner.

Have you ever heard of Quantum physics?

Actually, I’m quite familiar with Quantum physics. For people that don’t know… In layman’s words: quantum physics is the same thing as a Menage a trois, except that you have an additional partner to get physical with.

- Dog

My girlfriend loves texting me dirty messages — describing all the things she wants me to do to her after work. There’s one problem though: she can’t spell for shit!

Her misspelled text messages have gotten me in to all kinds of trouble when I have followed up on them. She thinks that I’m a complete pervert in bed because I have one more than one occasion gone through with an odd (or rather misspelled) request.

How can I stop her from text messaging me? Or perhaps I should buy her a spellchecker and a thesaurus? There’s a huge difference between s-p-it and s-h-it!

Please help! I’m afraid that her spelling will ruin our relationship.

Text messaging is for people that have waaay too much time on their hands, which is why it’s mostly teenagers that do it.

Simply order your girlfriend to leave you voice messages instead! It should work unless she’s retarded or has a horrible speech impediment.

- Dog

Does it mean that Santa is really dead if he doesn’t come tonight? I have always had gifts under the tree on Christmas Morning, but I have recently moved in on my own, and I’m nervous!

Is there anything I can do to help Santa find me?

Well, as the classical song goes: “He knows when you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake”…

However, the jolly old elf is always busy, so to really make sure he notices: do something exceptionally bad (stab a hooker) or good (hire a hooker and help her feed her drug habit in the process).

Come to think of it — skip the stabbing part! We can’t go around stabbing people, and individuals who are almost like real people.

Just do something good! Not kicking your kitten around for a day might make Santa sit up and pay attention (it seems to work for me).

Merry Christmas!

- Dog

My boyfriend is addicted to Guitar Hero 3. He completely ignores me. He doesn’t talk to me, or demand sex or food from me.

He’s a designer and works from home, but I don’t think he has gotten any work done in the last couple of weeks. Sometimes when I come home from work, he sits around in the same pyjamas as I left him in.

The bills and the empty chip bags are piling up and I’m getting more and frustrated, both mentally and sexually!

What can I do about his Guitar Hero III addiction?

I know it’s tough on you, but you must try to be supportive. If he has any kind of skills — he should dominate the Expert level in less than three weeks. You have your period every month — a new Guitar Hero is released once a year… How about some perspective when it comes to time?

He’s a complete loser if he takes more than three weeks to get GH III done. If he’s not back to nailing you soon — dump his ass, and find yourself a new hero with some real skills.

- Dog

Abstinence over premarital sex — what are the advantages?

None. Always go for premarital sex! It’s more fun. This will also help make the world a friendlier place or at least put a smile one someone’s face.

Well, ok, abstinence is cheaper, unless of course you are addicted to porn only available on the black market (or eBay).

- Dog