Ask Dog

My boyfriend wants me to wear this old soiled Miami Dolphins football uniform (helmet and all) when we have sex. Is this normal? We live in Miami if that helps?

The first couple of times it was kind of fun, but it’s getting to be a bit too much now, as he won’t allow me to wash the uniform. It’s actually gross to wear the uniform until I get really hot and sweaty.

How can I ask him for other sex games instead?

Is it normal? Well, not really… Unless of course you are dealing with a Miami Dolphins fan who has been ravaged in a locker room.

How to ask for sex that’s to your liking? How about simply demanding it, or making it happen? Why do you need to ask? He’s used to being the bitch as a Miami Dolphins fan… Simply take it from him!

- Dog

I have been in a nice relationship with this guy I work with. I admire his intelligence and the way he carries himself. Some people thinks he looks “goofy” but to me he’s perfect.

Here’s my problem: he hasn’t told anyone that we are “dating” or have a “romantic relationship”. He doesn’t even call me his “girlfriend” when we are together with friends. In private he hasn’t even said that he “loves me”.

I would think that I at least deserve a title as we have been dating and having sex for over two years now?

What’s going on with my boyfriend?

He doesn’t need to do anything — he’s getting all he wants from you with a minimal effort. Why in God’s name would he want to change anything?

You want a title? How about: “His cheap gullible hole on the side?”

He’s “goofy looking” and you seem to be “goofy in the head”… By all accounts you should be a match made in heaven!

If you want to see how worthwhile your relationship is too him — place some demands on him and keep your legs closed until he delivers… Chances are that you will be dumped faster than a leper with syphilis.

Sorry, “you have been had” — one more than one level.

- Dog

I’m lesbian and I’m pregnant. Ok, the shocking part? I have never been with a man in my entire life! My lover is married though, and I’m wondering if it’s possible that her husband’s semen has transferred from her in to me somehow?

Is it possible? Can semen from my lesbian lover have made me pregnant?

Well, I guess it’s possible that one could take semen from one woman’s vagina and place it in another. However, I would think that one would really have to work at it, no? I sincerely doubt that it’s something that can be done surreptitiously or accidentally by a complete stranger…

Bedsides, I’m pretty sure your lady friend cleans herself up in-between bed changes, no? Pretty gross chick otherwise…

More likely scenarios in the order of likelihood:

• You are having a false pregnancy (Pseudocyesis).
• You have been stoned out of your mind and a penis entered your vagina unbeknownst to you.
• You lady friend has played a very amusing practical joke on you, using her husband’s semen anda turkey baster.
• You are about to have a (semi-) virgin birth that will usher humankind in to a new era of peace and understanding.
• You are about to give birth to the spawn of Satan, who will one day rise to be a really demented republican president. (This is the least likely scenario as we have George W. Bush already).

- Dog

Ever since I enrolled at the local power gym, chicks are going crazy to get me naked. If I had known that joining the gym would get me laid more often — I would have done it years ago!

I do have a problem though: I often feel worn out and tired, and in no mood for romance. I have also become pickier about women and often hook up with nice looking but borderline retarded women.

How can I get more of my old sex drive back? How do I pick out worthwhile women?

Joining the gym doesn’t mean that you have to spend your time lifting things… Treat it as a spa experience instead: it will make you less tired!

You can still get laid even though you don’t spend your time lifting things! Simply buy some baggy sweatshirts and sweatpants with the gym’s logo printed on them — women won’t know what you look like until they are drunk and you are naked… To late to back out at that point!

How to pick out worthwhile women? I didn’t know there were such a thing as “worthwhile” women… Guys normally try to find “willing” women, no? Once you pace yourself at the gym and regain some of your energy, you will see that there are no such thing as “too many willing women”.

Good luck!

- Dog

I get wet easily and quickly. When going on date, I’m often soaking wet before I get there. I do carry a change of clothes, but it’s not working for me…

Is there anything I can do to stay dry?

I have no idea what you are talking about… What’s the big deal? Have you never heard of umbrellas?

I’m sure your date doesn’t mind you being wet — it will give you something to talk about! What’s a better start to date than a misadventure to break the ice?

Don’t worry about it. Look at it as an advantage instead!

- Dog

My new boyfriend’s penis is too long and I’m wondering what I can do about it?

What you can do about it? Well, if something is too long, the only thing you can do is to make it shorter… However, that would mean that you are moving in to Lorena Bobbitt territory, and that’s painful, illegal and dangerous.

I’m also quite positive that your boyfriend will look at you in a different light if you take things in to your own hands — especially if you hold a scalpel in one of them.

You shortening your boyfriend’s penis is not a sane option. How about if you ask your boyfriend to hold back a bit? I’m sure he’ll be flattered.

- Dog

My boyfriend pooped more than a little bit when we had sex a couple of weeks ago (it was an accident, as he had the stomach flu). The problem is that I’m now afraid to have sex with him because the pooping incident was very gross.

How can I get over my boyfriend pooping during sex?

How about you guys don’t have sex when one of you is sick? Especially, when I comes to illnesses that involves explosive expulsions of fecal matter and/or vomit? Surely you can wait?

Your boyfriend should get a medal for trying to make you happy even though sick as a dog!

As for “getting over it”… If it’s any comfort: mother nature saw to it that it’s difficult to do “b” when you are doing “a”. Many things a mutually exclusive when it comes to human  physiology and procreation… However, that normally calls for people being healthy (physically and mentally…)

- Dog

I’m in love with a wonderful guy called Adam, but Adam is in love with bitch called Suzanne. What can I do about my love?

I need some advice or I will go crazy!

How about you find yourself an even more wonderful (and perhaps even well-hung) guy called Steve?

You might not know this, but all Adams are hung like toy poodles and are compulsive liars. Most guys named Adam also have an obsession with older women and sponge baths.

My advice in short? Find a Steve instead!

- Dog

Why did my boyfriend brake up with me? He didn’t give me a reason — he just left me!

I have tried to talk to him about it but he totally ignores me. It’s like I don’t even exist! We had been together for almost 18 months, so I think I should have gotten at least an explanation.

I thought everything was going fine. I was obviously very wrong…

Why did he do it?

How the heck could I possible know that? You have given me nothing to work with here… Ok, I’ll list the top 5 and perhaps you recognise something there:

1. He has found another woman that’s an upgrade to you.
2. His right hand satisfies him more than you do.
3. He found you to be a boring and predictable drone.
4. He thought you were too high maintenance for the rewards.
5. He realized that “monogamy” is almost spelled the same as “insanity”.

How about some perspective and few personal insights please?

- Dog

What does it mean to be bisexual? Is it gross?

Bisexual simply means that you are keeping your options open when it comes to who you are willing to jump in to bed with — be it male or female (but still part of the human race).

Is it gross? You tell me… Some people are switch hitters and are very happy and proud of this fact. It’s not for everyone…

- Dog