Ask Dog

I want a Chinese girlfriend but all Chinese girls that I have approached haven’t been in the least interested in me.

I have looked and looked without any luck ever since I had a Chinese classmate back in high school .

How can I find a Chinese lesbian girlfriend?

The population of China is 1.3 billion. Some statistics quote that one-in-10 is homosexual — that would give you 130 million homosexuals in China — with a 50/50 gender — 75 million lesbians in China.

75 million lesbians is a lot of lesbians…

Is it possible that you have been looking for a Chinese lesbian girlfriend in all the wrong places?

If visiting China is not an option — narrow down your search a bit. Approaching strange women (of any race) and playing the lesbian card might not be all that attractive even if you hit on that 1 in 10 Chinese woman that happens to swing your way.

Here’s the thing: if you are looking for something specific — be all-out specific! The only place where you can be as specific as you wish, without coming across like a complete loon — use a dating service!

There are thousand and one online dating services. Simply use Google to find one that’s the best one for you.

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- Dog

One of my breasts is bigger than the other… Is this something I should be worried about? I’m afraid to get a boyfriend because he might laugh at me.

I haven’t talked to my mom yet. I’m 14.

Should I worry about my breasts sizes?

Listen… You are of that age where you should keep your clothes on when with the opposite sex, so a “boyfriend” wouldn’t even have to know about your disproportionate mammary situation, thus have no reason to feel immaturely giddy about it.

Also, you are also of that age where you should talk to your mommy about this kinds of things… Approaching strangers on the Internet is not entirely brilliant when you aren’t even mature enough to grasp the basics of your own physiology.

Had you asked your mom, she would have told you that pairs of (anything) boobs don’t always grow at the same speed (but that they will even out when done).

There’s nothing to worry about.

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- Dog

My boyfriend is often in a bad mood — irritable, cranky and stressed. He can be a real pain to be around when he’s acting that way. He gets even worse when I try to make him talk to me!

I’m at my wits end here…

What can I do about my boyfriend’s mood?

Shut up and put out more frequently? Try it! I promise that your situtation as a couple will improve greatly.

If you don’t see an immediate improvement — try harder. If things have not progressed to where you would like it to be in three months — seek help from the medical profession… Surely you have a slutty nurse friend that can give you a hand?

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- Dog

I know I’m stupid and good-hearted… always have been and always will be. My ex-girlfriend broke up with me over this sleazy guy at her workplace. Of course it didn’t work out for them for more than a few months…

Now she wants me back. I was really excited about it, until she told be that she had contracted oral and vaginal herpes from this guy. Now I’m moderately excited about it…

I still like her and as I understand, people work through herpes all the time.

Should I get back together with my ex?

You are not stupid and good-hearted… You are plain stupid. Where the heck does “good-hearted” fit in to this equation of yours? It’s good of you to take her back because she now has an incurable venereal disease? Come one… Grow a penis!

She messed up with you and she got punished for it with “herpes x 2″… What could be more beautiful and perfect than that?

Never mess with perfection! Find yourself another woman to “like” — it’s not difficult. There are plenty of likeable women out there and many of them will also be disease free.

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- Dog

Is it ok to have sex on the first date? Talking to my girlfriends — the opinions are very divided.

What’s your opinion on this?

I talked to my buddies — the opinions are as one: women that have sex on the first date are amazing, cool and a worthwhile investment. They also believe that women who put out on the first date help make their immediate communities stronger. Women that get naked quickly also often help world peace along.

My personal opinion about having sex on the first date? It’s the best thing you can do for mankind…

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- Dog

Why are there so many different words for the same thing when it comes to sex? Why is blowjob called fellatio? Wtf? Is that what grandma called it in the 1930’s?

Am I supposed to use a lexicon with a new girlfriend or what? E.g. “Hoe, give me a fellatio or I’ll smack you over the head!” It sounds totally gay…

Please explain how to use sex terms properly?

Have you ever heard the term “imbecile”? No? I though so… How about “muffin head”, “slaptard” and “george-w”? Better? Good!

One is proper English language — the other is slang or street lingo. The same thing applies to the sex terms that are confusing you…

As what terms that YOU should use? I’m afraid that you are way too slow for either “blowjob” or “fellatio”… I suggest you use the following words for sex with your “girlfriends”  — “What can I get for a $20?”

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- Dog

Why does time pass so quickly when I’m with my boyfriend? When I’m at work, time passes so slow that I sometimes think I’m stuck in a bad Star Trek episode.

Explain that one to me if you can!

It’s easy…

Your boyfriend screws you quickly…

Your employer screws you slowly…

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- Dog

I have had this reoccurring dream for over a month now and it’s driving me crazy! It’s driving my husband crazy too as I wake him up with my huffing and puffing almost every night!

Is it ok to fantasize about being taken by a group of gorillas? What does it mean? Should I tell my husband?

Sure it’s ok! Fantasies have never hurt anyone! You will however get seriously hurt if you try to act out that fantasy of yours… Being ravaged by a pack of 400-pound gorillas is not a sensible thing for your health.

Your options are two if you wish to explore this (domination) fantasy of yours:

1. Have your husband dress up in a gorilla outfit and beg him to go “wilder beast” on you. He can also rub himself all over with an old gym back for that authentic musky gorilla smell…
2. Find yourself a well-hung 400-pound hairy Italian man and cover yourself in pizza sauce and let nature takes its course. However, you have to be ok with teeth and claw marks…

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- Dog

I’m a fairly good-looking, intelligent, well-educated woman who is independently wealthy. I have class and I consider myself to be sophisticated in most areas of life.

I also consider myself to be a real catch… Why don’t any guys hit on me?

Why don’t any guys hit on you? Well, look at how you describe yourself! You are a waste of time, for any but that one-in-a-billion-direct-descendant-of-Jesus-Christ…

To increase the chances of guys hitting on you:

Remove — intelligent, well-educated, class and sophisticated.

Add — dumb, blonde, nymphomaniac and contortionist.

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- Dog

Does it make me a pervert if I love going down to the nursing home and look at the ladies?

I’m not sure why it is, but there’s something about walkers that drives me crazy!

No, it doesn’t make you a pervert if your purpose of being there is to try and locate a long lost grandmother. Many retirement and nursing homes are reporting increased traffic ever since Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore got together.

You are not alone if you are there with an erection! Then again — it doesn’t make it any better or sane…

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- Dog