Ask Dog

I met this businessman a year and a half ago while vacationing in Cuba. Neither of us was in a relationship and we had one of those vacation flings. It was fun!

I’m not sure what happened, but after all this time, he still calls me once or twice per month and we get together and have sex. I’m not sure if I’m his girlfriend or what? I have slept over at his place so I know his not married or anything…

He has never once said that he loves me, just how “cool”, “awesome” or “great” I am.

Is this really a girlfriend and boyfriend relationship?

Listen, calling someone “cool”, “awesome” or “great” is something you do to a buddy… You two are buddies… Fuck buddies to be exact. Plain and simple!

Then again, who’s to say that two adults can’t be content with being fuck buddies? If you expect to get something more out of him — forget about it! He’s clearly perfectly happy with not having to hire prostitutes.

Who knows? Maybe he has three or four (or more…) of you ladies lined up?

Have fun.

- Dog

My fiance is getting flabby! When we started dating, she weighed around 90 lbs. After I placed the ring on her finger, she has ballooned to around 130 lbs. I have told her to layoff the junk food but she’s not listening!

I have told her that I’m not marrying a cow — she’s not listening!

She’s still wild in bed and I don’t want to lose her, but I can’t deal with her being fat!

How do I get my fiance to lose weight? She’s not listening to me at all!

I wouldn’t worry about it if I were you… You are not going on a honeymoon with her — you are going to hell… If you don’t believe in hell — you should shortly have a new fiance: your right hand…

The good news is that you can always place the engagement ring on your pinky finger when you jerk off (for those special times when they have new porn on cable).

FYI — 90 lbs. is not a healthy weight for an adult female of the human species (unless she’s a midget) — it’s the weight of beef bought wholesale for a family of four.

- Dog

I have a huge problem. I’m 16 and I’m in love with my 14-year-old sister!

Don’t tell me it’s “hormones” because it’s not! I have felt this way for over 2 years now and it’s not going away!

I haven’t told her anything about the way I feel and I don’t think she suspecting anything either. What should I do?

Is it possible for a brother to be in love with his sister?

No, it’s not possible… It’s either hormones or you are a sexual predator to-be that needs counselling and/or medication. Pray that it’s hormones!

No matter which way you define your relationship with your sister — keep you hands to yourself so you don’t damage her. She’s a child and shouldn’t need to worry about sexual advances (or rape) by family members.

What you should do? You need to talk to a healthcare professional if these feeling you are having are not going away. Start with your family doctor — he or she will know where to take it next in order to get you the help you need.

Messing this thing up will have dire consequences for the rest of your life!

Don’t be an idiot and think you can skate around this one, because you won’t be able to. Fix it before you find youself in real trouble.

- Dog

How do I get my girlfriend to have sex with me? It’s always a strain to get over that hump with a new girlfriend…

After sex is when a relationship really starts. Any ideas on how to speed up the dating process?

Help?

The art of seduction is really — working your butt off and guilting her to get naked. You need to put in a bit of an effort to make your girlfriend volunteer (to think she came up with the idea) to have sex with you…

Whining and pleading for sex doesn’t really work unless she’s medicated or if she has a sub par IQ.

Depending on the woman… Other quick ways to get her to have sex with you:

1. Margaritas.
2. Brad Pitt movies.
3. Pot.
4. High-end jewellery.
5. Roofies.

- Dog

My boyfriend can’t function unless he gets at least one blowjob every day. Is this normal? He gets irritated unless I go down in him…

He also says that he gets distracted at work unless he gets it.

Do guys need to have orgasms every day?

Yes… Any given guy would be happy to have you as a girlfriend.

I see an engagement ring the size of a baseball in your very near future…

Keep up the good work!

- Dog

I am truly in love with my boyfriend, but I do not trust him. He has had many girlfriends before me and he is still friends with quite a few of them.

I often wonder if he is thinking of someone else when he is with me. I am not sure why, but I often get a sense that he is distant when we have sex, or just cuddle.

Is it possible that my boyfriend is in love with someone else?

Anything is possible… However, to make him forget about other women — screw his brains out! Nothing makes men forget about other women faster than when their brains are left on the pillow!

As for him thinking about other women during sex — it’s quite  common! Especially if you don’t look like Angelina Jolie or Charlize Theron, or if you can’t do the splits.

I don’t think you need to concern yourself about what he’s thinking… It will drive you nuts! If you absolutely have to worry about something — worry about things more tangible, like where his penis might be when you AREN’T around.

He being friendly with old girlfriends should be ok, as long as the friendliness doesn’t involve nakedness and the exchange of bodily fluids.

- Dog

What is rape?

I mean, how do you really define something like that?

What do you mean by ”really define”? Rape is not defined in all that many ways… I can only think of two:

1. Forcing someone to submit to sexual intercourse.
2. Miami Dolphins again being beaten by a big score.

- Dog

Hello! My name is Sara and I live in L.A.

I’m afraid to lose my virginity! I haven’t had sex with my boyfriend yet because I’m afraid that it will hurt… I have been dating my boyfriend for 9 months now, and I’m running out of excuses!

I’m 19 and I haven’t had sex yet because the idea of pain freaks me out!

Does it always hurt to lose your virginity?

It hurt like a son of a bitch for me when I lost my virginity because my girlfriend was a face biter. However, it was all very worth it!

Billions of women have lost their virginity through history… The experience was I’m sure, very different for each and every one. It’s one of those passages of life that all women will have to go through eventually.

Will it hurt for you? I have no freaking idea… So many different factors play in to the experience. When it will hurt for sure:

1. Your boyfriend is hung like a horse.
2. Your boyfriend goes at you like a puppy on a pillow.
3. Your boyfriend has no freaking clue what he’s doing.
4. Your boyfriend has long toe and fingernails.
5. Your boyfriend screams out another woman’s name…

Surely, you must have a ladyfriend that can give you a few personal pointers? You live in L.A. for God’s sake — hardly a magical realm of purity and virginity.

- Dog

I’m secretly in love with my sister’s boyfriend. They have been dating for about a year, and she’s always complaining about him, even though he’s a freaking amazing!

Would it be awful if I broke them up, so I could try to get him? I mean, my sister doesn’t seem to appreciate him anyway…

No matter how you try to justify this in your pathetic little mind — breaking up relationships is never a great thing to do.

You are woman — you have a vagina… That’s all you need to find yourself your own boyfriend. No matter how pathetic you are — your vagina will make things work for you. It’s magical box that all heterosexual men want to get in to…

Don’t be shy! Go out and use your vagina and you’ll see that I’m right!

- Dog

Where can I find Valentine’s Day gift ideas? Me and my boyfriend have been together for a year now (he’s 19 and I’m 18). I don’t want to do any silly bears or crappy silver jewellery.

My budget is somewhat limited but I want to get him an original and memorable gift. His main interests are art, film and music.

Please help!

I will give you a few Valentine’s Day gift ideas right here!

Combining his three interests may seem complicated at first, but it really doesn’t have to be if you do something for him, instead of trying too purchase something for him.

You forgot to mention what should be his main interest — you! What’s cheaper that using yourself as the gift in combination with his other interests?

Ok, here goes nothing… Valentine’s Day gift ideas that your boyfriend will never, ever forget! Yes, they cover his main interests of art, film and music — and you:

1. Paint your back to look like a tent and your front to look like Heath Ledger, and wear a manmade rubber appendage. Go Brokeback Mountain on him to “No One’s Gonna Love You Like Me” by Mary McBride from the movie soundtrack.
2. Get your boyfriend naked and paint him green. Ask him to scream with a poor Scottish accent while you ride him like an Ogre princess in heat. Remember to hold on to, and pull, his ears like you freaking mean business! Pummel him to Scottish bagpipe music, preferably to tunes with the word “attack” in the title.
3. Glue a shag carpet to his back and crawl around naked on the floor while slapping your arse and yelling, “Come boy! Come here, boy! Lassie has been a bad bitch!” Recommended music: any kind of disgusting instrumental music will do. A good start would be a Kenny G greatest hits collection.
4. Cover yourself in baby oil and slide around naked on the kitchen floor and whine like a hobbit. Make him try to pin you down with his staff while dressed in a Gandalf wig and beard. Any kind of dramatic symphonic music is guaranteed to add to the experience.
5. Eat a small bucket of chili and hide somewhere in your house and start farting Celine Dion tunes… Make him try finding you, using his hearing only. When he finds you — go at it like King Kong and a spoiled, disillusioned schlock singer. Remember to yell obscenities at him with a horrible French-Canadian accent!

Good luck!

- Dog