Ask Dog

How long does intercourse normally last? I have a new boyfriend since a couple of months (we are both 19) and we have had sex a few times, but he’s not good at it. In fact, he sucks at it! It takes him less than 5 minutes to have an orgasm. I’m never even close!

I’m not that experienced and have only been with one guy before. My previous boyfriend wasn’t that great either, but at least he made it interesting — around 10 minutes.

In movies they have sex all night. Is that just fiction? Sex lasting 5 - 10 minutes hardly seems right?

I’m getting kind of fed up with this sex thing!

Your little boyfriends need to learn to pace themselves… Also, you should never whip a 19-year-old guy in to a frenzy as he will go at it like a mindless puppy that has found his first pillow. Is it possible that you are whipping his arse like he was a racehorse?

You need to take charge as your boyfriend doesn’t seem to have a clue at what his doing (unless he’s in hurry when you get together, and he only has 5 minutes to spare?) If he can’t pace himself even after you show him how you want it: ask him to first toss the main stuff in the sink before he gets in to bed with you next time… He should last more than 5 minutes in the second round.

People having sex all night in movies is of course all fiction… Sooner or later a guy has to get out of bed for a leak, a piece of fried chicken and a cold beer.

If you absolutely need sex to last a very long time — find yourself a 70-year-old boyfriend, or at least someone more experienced in the art of whipping up frothy margaritas.

- Dog

How come Satan doesn’t talk to me if he’s real?

Satan is a fairytale creature, just like God, elves and trolls… He hasn’t spoken to you yet, because he doesn’t exist. If you hear other voices — you need to be medicated…

Demonic possessions, hauntings and non-fat ice cream is for feeble-minded people that don’t know any better.

- Dog

I broke up with my boyfriend of 6 years when one of my friends told me that has been cheating on me from day one. It turned out to be true — he admitted to having sex with close to 100 women. Luckily for me, he always wore a condom.

I’m furious and I want to get back on him but I’m not sure how? How can I make things even with my ex?

Getting even? It’s a bit late for that now, isn’t it?

You actually trust him when he says he used a condom with each and every lay? Even with the ones where he was so drunk that he soiled himself in bed? Really?

Depending on your circumstances:

1. If you still tend to his dog — make some General Tao Chicken out of it.
2. You go out and screw 100 guys! Not sure how it’s going to hurt your ex, but at least you will have a lot of happy guys in your community…
3. Resign to the fact that you have been had and move on with your life.

- Dog

Why do rainbows have all the different colours?

This isn’t a homework question — I’m just curious. A quick answer would be cool!

Ok, as it isn’t a homework question…

It’s the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow that shimmers with all those pretty colours. This is why you only see rainbows when the sun is breaking through… It’s the sunlight hitting all that gold.

No?

Ok, the scientific explanation is that when unicorns drown in a rain storm, their souls rise to the heavens above. The rainbow effect you see is created when the sunlight hits a cloud of unicorn souls. It all has to do with elementary optics, and what’s called refraction — the “bending” of light.

Different colors of light have different frequencies, which causes them to travel at different speeds when they move through matter. Light traveling more slowly will bend more when passing though the souls of unicorns.

White light is basically separated into its component colours as it travels through the cloud of unicorn souls. These separated colours are the ones that make up the colours of your standard rainbow. As these separated colour pass through more souls, the light bends even more — under the right circumstances, they bend to form the standard rainbow arch shape.

Curious tidbit — there are no rainbows in Russia, as the unicorns there where hunted to extinction for their horns and magical livers, in the early 1830s.

- Dog

My brother’s penis is really big and mine is kind of small. Could this mean that we have different dads?

Could there be another reason why my penis is small?

Unless you brother is black and you are a white and pasty red-haired kid — no, not very likely. I’m sure your mother is a perfectly decent woman that baked both of you with the same daddy sauce.

It’s more likely that your mother was watching a lot of Tom Cruise movies while she was pregnant with you. His movies are known to cause a lot penis related birth defects… Sorry.

You will simply have to resign to the fact that your brother will have better luck with the ladies, and do better in sports. Your best bet to getting laid regularly with your small penis, is to become a Hollywood actor or to learn how to play a wind instrument like Kenny G.

- Dog

I’m an angry woman working in the high-tech industry (part of IBM [name removed]) who have yet again been ignored for a promotion.

No matter where I look: I see men! 8 out of 10 are men in middle-management at my company.

When will this IBM sex discrimination end?

What sex discrimination? What are you talking about?

One would hope that all companies place the most qualified people in management seats, as they would be punishing themselves otherwise.

Looking at your company website — 2 out of 10 (20%) women in middle-management is really an over representation, as there are less than 7% women working for the company? WTF are you bitching about?

Statistically you should have less than ONE (1/2 of one) female manager (in your 10 manager company)… Expecting and demanding more women would be reverse sexism, no? Surely you don’t believe women are generally better than men in your industry? Come on… That’s just plain silly!

This all brings us back to the cold hard reality and  common sense…

Microsoft — It’s Bill Gates — Not Billy-Jean Gates…

Apple — It’s Steve Jobs — Not Steph Rim Jobs… (Ok, some Apple faithfuls might disagree there… But what can you do — they pay big bucks for sub-par technology that can be picked up at any given bus stop  for lose change (minus an apple logo)). 

Perhaps you were simply passed up on because your are a angry, sexist, and selfish woman with a weak grasp of the high-tech industry?

If you absolutely need a management position in a business where you don’t have to “compete” with men — try childcare! 99.9% of the women are mangers in the childcare industry because 99.9% of the people working there are women!

Shock… not!

This is not an equality issue — it’s basic math and common sense.

- Dog

Will darts ever be part of the Olympic games? I’m a State champion in darts and would one day love to represent my country at the Olympic games.

Do you think darts will ever be included?

Thanks!

No! Darts will never be part of the Olympic games because it’s not a sport. Darts is a bar game, just like toe wrestling, drinking submarines and balancing match boxes.

Dart players are fat drunks that have the athleticism of retired panhandlers. Who cares about darts except the people that are playing the game at the time? Not even darts players watch other darts players play! When other people play — you go order another pint or hit the john for a leak.

Sure, darts is fun to play with your drunk friends, but that doesn’t make it a sport.

Sorry, fatso — no Olympics for you!

- Dog

There’s this guy that likes me. I know he likes me, as he has said so. I want to be his girlfriend and I have told him that many times. He says he wants to date me too, but that he needs some space right now.

I’m his for the taking and needs space? What does that mean?

Do guys need space before they start dating a girl?

He needs space from you… He doesn’t want you around as he’s also working on something better than you…

If he doesn’t get anything going with this other girl (plan A) of his — you’ll have a new boyfriend (for a while at least).

Don’t be insulted by this — dating is like musical chairs… You’ll get your chance eventually. When it’s your turn — surprise him by being a real option! You can practice by sucking back spaghetti for now.

- Dog

My girlfriend thinks it would be cool if I got a tattoo with her name in it. I’m not really into tattoos in the first place, and honestly, she’s not all that… Well, at least not “all that” enough for a permanent tattoo.

How do I get out of the tattoo without looking like a loser? Heck, I have only dated her for six months! I would also need my parents approval as I’m 17 and I doubt they would be ok with it.

No tattoos! By the time you are 30 you would have every name from A to Z on your body — not cool or sexy… How about if she instead gets to write her name with a permanent marker on your penis? With some luck, she will be re-writing her name on it every other day…

Another option is that you start calling her by a new nickname, like ‘Patriots’? Then get a New England Patriots tattoo on your butt? I assume she’s your age — she won’t have a clue…

She’ll be clueless and extatic, which I imagine can be a wonderful place to be in for you.

- Dog

This advice column is nice, funny, and all… However…

Have you finished Super Mario Galaxy yet?

No, but I have been laid regularly and I have also found the time to read several books. The other day I also took the time to just listen, and God spoke to me. He said, “Keep up the good work!”

All this makes me think that I’m doing quite alright without Super Mario Galaxy… If I ever feel the need to have the game solved, I’ll hire some snot faced 12-year-old to do it for me.

- Dog