Ask Dog

My current employer expect me to wear short skirts (no bra) and a lot of make-up to work. I work as a waitress at a truck stop deli, and “slutty outfits” is supposedly better for business. Well, I’m not a slut! For me this is just a gig until I get my degree.

So far I have refused but the pig-owner is pressuring me and he has even cut down on my shifts. Another more real-life and painful disadvantage is that the other girls (and one guy) get better tips than I do. Damn!

What should I do? Should I simply suck it up and do what’s asked of me or stick to my morals? Should I slut it out as asked?

The “one guy” that also gets bigger tips than you do — does he also wear a skirt, no bra and a lot of make-up? Yes? I thought so…

It’s an outfit — suck it up! A certain dress code is expected where ever you work. As a writer of this advice column I’m expected to wear old boxer shorts that are gapped open in the front, black socks and an old Budweiser t-shirt… I don’t like that it either but I need to eat so I do what’s required. Starving sucks butt!

Really, when it comes to waitressing, there’s nothing like a bit of titty swing to distract customers from a skunk scrimp cocktail or a soggy cheese cake.

If you don’t like your job — go do something else! I’m sure there’s a roadside work crew out there somewhere that are one man short on a trench dig.

Quite your whining! There’s a recession coming and work will be scarce. Why not simply try to appreciate what you have?

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- Dog

I have seen it on occasion — “smoking sex!” What the heck is that? As far as I can tell, it’s a bunch of naked women smoking? What’s so hot about that?

The more I scour and learn the Web, the more I want to swear off men and become a lesbian!

Please enlighten me! What is smoking sex?

If something doesn’t make sense to the average individual, it’s most likely slated under the “fetish category”.

Smoking sex is for guys that enjoy seeing women smoke… And I suppose also coughing their lungs up, which makes every part of their bodies jiggle and wiggle (that actually sounds pretty hot (if it didn’t involve phlegm)).

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- Dog

My sister is pregnant after only trying for a month. Me and my husband have been trying for years and have not been able to become pregnant. I pray often but it seems that God has other plans for us.

Our minister is telling us to keep trying and praying, but honestly, I’m losing hope. I’m really jealous of my sister and often wish her ill when I get angry.

How do I regain hope and a positive attitude?

Praying won’t get you pregnant — mating your brains out while you are ovulating will… If you are sure your husband isn’t throwing his best sauce down the sink because the he enjoys the trying part more than succeeding — see a doctor.

God can’t help you with an hormonal imbalance, or whatever might be preventing you from coming pregnant — a healthcare professional will.

How to regain hope and positive attitude? Quit your whining and do something about it!

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- Dog

Is it possible to have sex with a lobster? I always get hard when I eat, smell and see lobsters. I know it’s stupid but it’s true!

I love lobster too but I can’t see myself getting quite that excited about it. Besides, the lobster physiology isn’t really equipped with anything that would enable any kind of human sex acts (no matter how twisted).

Your best bet is to do what other lobster lovers do — do a lobster roll. Here’s a great recipe:

1 (2 1/2 pound) live lobster.
1/2 medium cucumber, peeled, seeded and finely diced.
1/4 cup mayonnaise.
1/2 tablespoon fresh tarragon.
2 small scallions, thinly sliced.
Sea salt.
Freshly ground pepper.
2 to 3 New England-style hot dog buns (lightly buttered)

1. Make a salad of all the ingredients.
2. Lightly toast hot dog buns (and apply butter).
3. Spread the buns and fill with salad.
4. Go nuts over the whole thing.
5. Have a nap.

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- Dog

Is it bad if I have had sex with 7 or 8 guys at the age of 15? I have had quite a few boyfriends since I turned 15. I’m a little bit nervous as I have had unprotected sex with all but one of them.

I’m not pregnant. I know that, as I’m on the pill.

How can I tell if I have AIDS and things like that?

Bad for who?

It’s a bit frightening that you don’t know how many guys it has been… The number itself doesn’t really matter — 7 or 8 in a year both make you a slut. Not knowing the number makes you an ignorant slut.

One does not have a boyfriend per month… One guy per months makes them sex partners — not boyfriends. The term “boyfriend” implies a crush or love… A normal human being isnt capable (unless they have a severe hormonal imbalance) to care for that many people, in that way.

Do realize that not even chimpanzees mate as indiscriminately as you do! Think about that for a second…

Done? Frightening? Good…

If you had AIDS — you would be sick and dying. However, it doesn’t mean that you don’t have the HIV virus, which develops/causes AIDS. Neat fact: young people (kids like yourself) are more susceptible to contracting the virus than mature and fully developed adults.

You can’t tell if you carry the HIV virus or not (in the early stages). Do realize that there are many other nasty things out there part from HIV. Why not have gynaecologist check you out and perform some tests?

15-year-old kids should not get naked with other people… They should be working their butts off in school — not in bed!

It’s never too late to be a slut — why rush things?

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- Dog

Is there such a thing as the archetypical slut? At what point does a woman become one?

What do you think?

Let’s find out!

What do I do if my best friend turns lesbian?

Bake a banana loaf?

Why is it any of your business what your best friend does with her own and other people’s sexual organs and other bodily cavities? Do you really need to know how often, with who, and what techniques she uses, to clean other women’s carpets?

Listen, there’s only so much you need to know about someone… You best friend’s carpet cleaning practices is NOT one them.

Again, why not simply enjoy the (non sexual) company of your best friend — and your banana loaf?

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- Dog

Me an my buddy played a practical joke on a mutual friend — we gave him some of my grandma’s prescription laxative. It was very funny until he got sick and almost died…

Now his parents are suing everyone — even my grandmother. They are asking for a lot of money — money we don’t have!

They have said that they don’t want us in jail — just money for hospital bills and damages.

Is there anything I can do about their lawsuit?

No there’s nothing you can do unless you have a law degree. You can however thank your lucky star that you are not on the receiving end of a wrongful death lawsuit, or you would get locked up.

I’m also quite positive that your lawyer has told you to shut your mouth about the proceedings, in order to make his or her job a little bit easier.

You really are an idiot… A lucky idiot… It’s only going to cost you a lot of money now.

Prescription medications are not available over the counter for a reasons — they can be dangerous! Which is pretty freaking evident at this point, isn’t it? Even over the counter medications can cause all kinds of unforeseeable complications and problems.

Don’t medicate your friends!

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- Dog

I met this girl on a Web chat and she’s really cool and freaky. She now has asked me to send her some naked pictures of myself but I’m not sure, as she hasn’t sent any pictures of herself yet.

Would it be ok to send naked pictures to my online girlfriend? I mean, our chats would be a bit more fun if we both knew what each of us looked like.

She’s not your girlfriend — it’s merely someone you have been in contact with over the Web.

She is probably also a HE — possibly a towering, bearded lumberjack named Bruce.

Talk to your parents about what kind of personal information you have given out to lumberjack Bruce!

Kids are idiots and should not get involved with people on the Net.

Clean your keyboard and go and do something more rewarding for yourself.

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- Dog

I have recently (7 months ago) moved in with my boyfriend. He’s divorced and has three children living with him (14, 17 and 19 all girls). He’s 43 and I’m 21.

It has been a struggle since day one — the girls are ungrateful brats that have gradually turned me in to an unwilling, beaten-down babysitter and maid. He works crazy hours and I actually have less quality time with him now that I live with him as we are both tired all the time.

I’ve asked him to cut down on his working hours so he can help with the girls, but he has been saying “soon” for months now. Nothing has changed!

How can I get him to help out with his daughters?

His two older daughters are old enough to  be your buddies… You shouldn’t be expected to mother kids your own age. You shouldn’t be expected to mother a man that could be your daddy…

My advice? Pack up you stuff and start walking… Don’t stop until you find something more productive and constructive for yourself than being the live-in babysitter, maid and bed warmer. If you decide to stay — make sure you charge by the hour for all your “duties”.

The silver lining if you stay? At least you don’t have to deal with a pimp and get to keep all the dough for yourself!

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- Dog