Ask Dog

I lied to my girlfriend about money I spent when out drinking with my buddies. Now I feel extremely guilty.

Should I tell her what I spent even though it’s been a week? She doesn’t know…

Would my girlfriend appreciate me coming clean?

Relax! You are really talking about a girlfriend and not your mother, right? If it’s the latter — relax! Your girlfriend doesn’t need to know about everything that goes on in your life.

It’s been a week and she hasn’t brought it up, so your “lie” is now called “miscommunication”. You don’t need to feel guilty about “miscommunication”…

Lying gets easier the more you do it! In a year or so, you will only feel guilty when she catches you in one!

- Dog

I used my live-in boyfriend’s laptop and found disgusting porn on it. I mean it’s really disgusting… It’s videos and pictures of very old ladies (grandmas) and people with animals and things like that!

There was even this series of pictures of this redhead girl that looked just like me and she had a wine bottle in a place where things normally come out… (if you understand what I mean?)

I am completely and utterly shocked! He is a great guy who is amazing in bed. He works with kids (teaches high school English); he paints with watercolours and is a drummer in an Indie rock band, that’s actually going places!

What to I do? Do I admit to snooping around his computer and risk losing him? Maybe I should just have a talk to him about porn in general and see what he says?

I don’t want to lose him! I don’t! How do I talk to my boyfriend about this porn on his computer? Should I just try to forget it all?

Really? What did you expect? He’s a drummer in an Indie rock band that’s going places…

As he’s amazing in bed — he seems to have picked up a few things (from somewhere…)

What’s the problem here, really? The only problem seems to be that you feel horrible for snooping around in his private stuff. If he’s still that great guy who is amazing in bed — enjoy!

If you had any real objections to the abuse and exploitation of grandmothers and animals — you would have dumped his scary and freaky arse already. Seriously!

- Dog

If I play with myself “down there” and something brakes off, is it dangerous? I’m not a homosexual; I was just experimenting…

I can’t go to the hospital, as my dad would kill me!

What do I do if something was stuck in my butt?

If something got stuck? IF? You don’t know? What on earth were you playing with? The family Christmas tree, oriental plant (with fruit) or an advanced kitchen utensil?

I have to admit that I’m not an expert on “down there” and “something” braking off…

Butt… some things the human body disposes off by itself in time (ok, sometimes using a horrible infection)… When your body can’t get rid of something that should not be in there (anywhere…) — you will die!

Take your “down there” to the hospital as soon as possible.

- Dog

Do Beagles make good family dogs? I have a 3, 8 and a 12-year-old and they are asking for a pet. They are nice kids but not overly bright!

I have heard that Beagles might work.

Beagles are dumb as bricks but cute enough for people to want to keep them around. Actually, they are pretty much like not overly bright nice kids…

If you want to have another kid around (that occasionally craps on your living room carpet at age 10) — sure, why not go with a Beagle!

- Dog

My boyfriend doesn’t like kissing! I have tried to make him like it but he doesn’t!

How can I make my boyfriend enjoy kissing?

I assume that your “boyfriend” is of the human species… and that you are not his grandmother…

Here’s the thing, you can’t “make” anyone like anything… Unless he’s tied down in your bed and you have a few girlfriends helping you out (with a jar of peanut butter).

How about just letting things play out; the way they play out?

Life finds a way! It might not include you, but it finds a way…

- Dog

I often find Kleenexes in the wastebasket next to my husband’s computer…

Is it possible he views internet porn?

Yes, it’s possible…

He might also be:

1. Looking at stock market quotes.
2. Reading blogs focused on dead kittens.
3. Researching world hunger.
4. Trying to make art using Adobe products.
5. Writing poetry.

The only way to make sure is to take one of the Kleenexes to a science lab… They will be able to tell you if any paper babies were made.

- Dog

I met my fiance on Match.com. He is a wonderful person but now I’m thinking I could have done even better. It was too easy!

Everyone says he’s a dream: he’s freaking doctor that plays the guitar like Eric Clapton!

Should I try Match.com again? I’m curious as how I could do with some experience…

Yes, dump his pathetic arse…

Match.com is full of astronauts that play the tuba like God.

- Dog

I have been dating my boyfriend for almost three years and I recently (5 months ago) moved in with him at his place.

Things were great for the two months but then he started getting mean. My boyfriend treats me like garbage and calls me stupid and useless. He says he can’t stand seeing me every day! He says I’m crowding him and that he can’t see his friends as much as he used to.

We argue about everything! It’s always him screaming about insignificant crap. I find myself walking on eggshells around him, as I’m afraid he’s going to get mad about something.

Should I leave my boyfriend even though I love him?

You are afraid of him… He calls you useless and stupid… Love? Nah… Really?!

Don’t be useless and stupid. Don’t be afraid to do what you know is right — leave!

- Dog

Is sex in a relationship important and necessary? I have a met a great guy but I have huge problem — I don’t enjoy sex! I mean, I can barely stand the though of it…

My boyfriend is getting more and more confused about me turning him down all the time but I don’t know how to explain myself to him.

I wish we could have a relationship on a deeper level instead.

You have some issues you need to deal with. Talk to him and see if you can figure something out. See a shrink if you get nowhere.

What you have right now is a buddy… Soon you will most likely have an ex-buddy…

As you know you have a “huge problem” — fix it!

You can’t stand it/sex = you can’t stand him…

When his sack is hard as a coconut, it will be too late. If the deeper level you are looking for doesn’t include his sack, you relationship is doomed! Hugging trees and curing world hunger with you will be more enjoyable for him if can also walk properly.

So, yes, sex is important and completely necessary in a relationship between two mature adults.

- Dog

I know this will sound stupid… but I think (no, I know) our house is haunted! Whenever by husband is away on business trips, I sense this presence in the house. It’s not a nice presence either!

I often end up sleeping at my sister’s when he’s away.

My husband just laughs it off. I have suggested that we contact a psychic but my husband won’t have anything to do with it.

How do I convince my husband that our house is haunted?

You can’t… Only feeble-minded people sense “presences”… Sane people do the laundry more often, take out the garbage in a timely manner and clean the kitchen sink every day.

It’s either medication or some better housekeeping for you. Here’s a free psychic reading for you: the presence you are sensing is pair of your husband’s stinky socks under your bed and a rotten potato in the food cupboard.

- Dog