Ask Dog

I’m 17 and my boyfriend is 23, and he has asked me to marry him. I said, “Yes!”. It should all be great but I don’t want to have children, not now — not ever!

I haven’t told him how I feel about kids.

Should I wait telling him until after the wedding or risk ruining it all by doing it now? Do you think he could accept never having kids?

You are 17 years old… You don’t know what you want… Heck, you are not even mature enough to have a serious discussion about your future with your husband-to-be…

Yes, talk!

- Dog

Why can’t men express how they feel to women? All my girlfriends seem to have this issue with their guys too. They can’t get their boyfriends to communicate!

Why is this?

You are over analysing things and hoping to find something that’s not there. Men don’t “feel” the same way as women do. Go see your girlfriends if you want to talk about feelings and emotions…

The older you get (especially when you have been married for 10 years) you will come to realize that men only have around 10 “feelings” or “WANTS NOW” as men call them:

1. Want you naked now.
2. Want beer now.
3. Want you to clean up now.
4. Want big juicy steak now.
5. Want you to shut up now.
6. Want nap now.
7. Want to watch the sports now.
8. Want the pub now.
9. Want to play with buddies now.
10. Want you to bugger off now.

They are expressed in many different (subtle or not so subtle) ways, but the quicker you learn to interpret the right message, the happier and more fulfilling your relationships will be!

There are only 10 of them… I’m sure you can do it if you put in a bit of an effort.

- Dog

I’m a 16-year-old single girl and I have a question. Is it wrong of me to take money for sex? Is it that bad if the guys are offering it to me without being asked, they are my friends, and I would probably have sex with them anyway if I were in the mood?

My girlfriend thinks I’m crazy but I can’t see a problem here. Everybody wins!

It is wrong? Well, by definition it would make you a prostitute, or a whore, as some call it. The exchange of money for sex is prostitution… you are whoring out your body for cash. Is that a place where you want to go?

16-year-olds in general should strive to keep their clothes on so they don’t end up hurt and pregnant. Dumb ones like you should do the same, as not to end up abused and dead…

Friends don’t buy each other… I also can’t see the buying of children anywhere in the definition for “friend”. The guys offering you money are preying on you because you are stupid, naive and ignorant.

Try to think — it’s quire refreshing!

- Dog

Why did my boyfriend break up with me? We had been seeing each other for almost two years and never had any major issues. I though everything was going great but he broke up with me last week after getting back from a business trip.

What’s worse? He broke up with me over the phone! A break-up over the phone after two years is f’n pathetic! Does that even count?

The line I got was “I think we should start seeing other people…” What’s that supposed to mean anyway? Is that even a real break-up? Is there still hope for us?

No, there is no hope… The line “I think we should start seeing other people…” simply means he already has someone else in mind… He has probably already exchanged bodily fluids with this other “people”.

I bet you he had an amazing time while on his business trip, which is probably why the axe came down on you as soon as he got home.

Move on! Your pony has moved on to greener pastures…

I have no idea about “why”… Perhaps he found someone hotter and more interesting than you? I have no idea…

It’s over though!

- Dog

Can I turn gay from looking at gay porn on the internet? I know the question sounds stupid but I’m confused!

There’s just something about guys that does it for me but I don’t feel gay…

No, looking at gay porn doesn’t turn you gay… Looking at gay porn means that you are gay! Or at least that you are a switch hitter (bisexual).

I don’t see anything confusing here. You mash your turnip to imagery of dudes with big fat turnips…

- Dog

Is it true that all women are bisexual? I read this somewhere but I can’t find this information anymore.

True or not? I want to disprove my fiance! She thinks it’s nonsense…

I thought I answered a similar question not too long ago… Can’t find it now… Hmmm…

No, not all women are bisexual… However, all women have bisexual tendencies (both subconscious and physical ones). It’s a well-known scientific fact.

These tendencies don’t necessarily manifest themselves strongly in all women but it doesn’t mean they aren’t there. It’s a survival of the species instinct… Women stick together! Or rather, women do better when they stick together…

Often all it takes is a major arsehole boyfriend or husband for the pendulum to swing the other way. All this to say, be nice to your woman if you wish to keep her around.  Don’t give her the opportunity to find out that she doesn’t really need you for anything!

- Dog

My family isn’t all that well off, so I shoplift what I need. Stealing has always been easy for me and I’m really good at it. However, lately I have become more nervous about it. I have been sweating more and have shortness of breath issues on occasion.

I guess I’m more nervous about it as I have just turned 18 and the consequences of being caught would be more troublesome now.

Any suggestions now that I have turned 18?

Yes, consider a job in politics, the church or look to the federal government.

- Dog

My mother reads my mail! She thinks I don’t know, as she does it secret… I have tried to confront her about it but she just denies it. She lies straight to my face!

I live it home (I’m 23) as I’m a student and work part-time. When I’m not at home, she goes through it all, I’m sure!

I’m not a child! I pay for rent and food and as soon as I’m done with school — I’m out of there! Meanwhile, how do I deal with this situation?

How do I get my mom to stop reading my mail? I need my privacy.

Well, the first steep is to get her to admit going though your mail in the first place…

How about if you fake a letter from an old boyfriend. A letter where he’s thanking your for aborting your twin pregnancy, and at the same time asks you to have yourself checked for syphilis, herpes, chlamydia and HIV? You might also want to throw in something about crack cocaine and a drunken hit and run incident…

If your mother does indeed read your mail… I’m sure she will come to you with that particular letter in hand. Then simply take it from there!

- Dog

I’m 19 and my penis is crooked. It points quite a bit up and to the left.

Is a crooked penis a problem?

It’s only a problem if you find yourself a penis-obsessive republican girlfriend.

Realize it could be much worse — it could be hanging straight down at all times… Why not enjoy the fact that it points somewhere at all?

Don’t worry! If you can peel your cucumber on your own — it will also work with someone else…

- Dog

I don’t get to sleep in our bed anymore ever since we got a dog. My girlfriend is completely obsessed about this dog! Worse — the damned dog hates my guts!

If it was a puppy, I would snap its neck but this is a full-grown German Sheppard! The dog snarls as soon as I get close to my girlfriend. She just laughs it off and says that the dog will get over it with some training. She has said that for two months now!

The dog barks and howls his head off if we lock him in another room and the neighbours complain to the landlord. This is not an option…

Should I ask my girlfriend to choose between the dog and myself?

Yes, you should ask your girlfriend to choose… or chase the dog out in front of a garbage truck… The dog must go — one way or another. He is not right in the head.

Actually, your girlfriend doesn’t sound right in the head either… Why not upgrade?

- Dog