Ask Dog

I have this fantasy about seeing my wife having sex with another man. We have been married for 18 years and thing have gone a little bit dull, if you know what I mean.

I’m not sure how to approach my wife about this…

How do I ask my wife about having sex with another man? I don’t want this to blow up in my face and become a big deal.

Would you have any pointers for me?

Yes, I do have a few pointers for you:

• Don’t do it…
• Don’t even think about it…
• Don’t be an idiot…

— Rent porn instead! I’m sure you just need to get off more often.

It might seem like a brilliant idea in your twisted little mind, but really… it’s not a very good one at all. Look around you — it’s not socially acceptable to pimp out your loved ones. This would be a huge deal no matter how you formulate it to your wife.

Heck, I bet you don’t even share your car, power tools or a perfect cheeseburger with anyone. Why in God’s name would sharing your wife be acceptable?

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- Dog

A couple of nights ago when going down on my girlfriend, she squirted all over me and the bed, and floor.

It didn’t taste that horrible but it had a yellowish colour like urine, and it also smelled a bit like urine. She said it didn’t feel like a normal orgasm but more like a gushing sensation. Is it possible that she had one of those squirting orgasm?

Was it a squirting orgasm or was it urine? How do you tell?

If it looks like urine and smells like urine… Not sure, what urine tastes like… but if it tastes like urine… It’s urine!

Congratulations! Your girlfriend urinated all over you! You seem rather excited about it, so I’m sure you will get over your girlfriend’s little accident.

A cool thing about this is that from now on, when a buddy exclaims, “This beer tastes like piss!” you will be able to say with great certainty: “No, it doesn’t!” Alternatively, when it comes to Budweiser: “Yes, it does!”

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- Dog

I am gay and in love with a classmate. I told him I was in love with him and wanted him, and he just looked at me and walked away, without saying anything.

He’s so fine! Is there a chance he is still gay?

Not very likely… In fact, he probably burned his Justin Timberlake concert t-shirt and went out to find himself a willing girl in order to confirm his sexuality. However, there is a chance that you are dumb as bricks and need to learn some manners.

Homosexual or heterosexual, a certain level of tact and class is required when approaching someone. Putting someone on the spot is not the way to go…

Like it or not (or if you didn’t have a clue), there is a level of apprehension regarding homosexuality in society. It’s a fact of life… You will have a much easier time if you learn to bide your time and if you develop some social skills.

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- Dog

Have you found Jesus Christ?

I haven’t really been looking for him… In fact, I didn’t even know he was missing!

However, the other day I found a piece of pepper salami, which I didn’t remember buying. The salami was amazing and I even cried a little bit after I washed down the last piece with a cold beer.

Last week I also found some drawings that my daughter did when she was 3 years old and some of her scribbles look a bit like Jesus Christ… Does that count?

The best thing I found last year was wrongly priced bottle of 16-year-old Lagavulin whisky.

I’m afraid that’s all the memorable things that I have found in last 12 months.

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- Dog

I’m in an uncomfortable situation — my brother wants to have sex with me!

He hasn’t said it outright but I can tell by the way he acts around me. It really is like having an over-romantic new boyfriend around, in the way he talks to me, and the way he touches me in passing, or when we are close in general (like watching TV or playing Nintendo Wii).

He also tries to spy on me when I’m changing, sleeping, or in the shower… I guess that’s a clue also? We are not kids! I’m 17, he’s 16, and we have had our own boyfriends and girlfriends, so it’s more than a curiosity thing on his part.

We used to play all kinds of naked games when we were younger but this is different! Do you know what the craziest thing is? He’s wearing me down!

Is it always wrong for a brother and sister to have sex?

Ewww! Yes! It’s always wrong! WTF is the matter with you? Your brother should only need to see you naked if he has to drag an abusive boyfriend off your body, and into a shallow grave that he has pre-dug in the backyard.

Tell you brother to find himself a real girlfriend and not expect anything from you, because it’s sick, and you don’t want to make feeble-minded-balloon-head babies.

In fact, I recommend truck stop prostitution over sleeping with family members if getting laid is an absolute ”must” for you.

Your brother isn’t being “over-romantic”… He’s being very, very creepy!

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- Dog

What is a normal sex drive? My girlfriend of 4 years can never get enough and is always after me for sex. We used to have sex 2-3 time per day the first year, but I’m sort of over that now. Heck, 3-4 times per week should be ok to satisfy most people?

If she had it her way — we would be having sex constantly and living in a pigsty.

She’s still after me every day (and I often give in) and she’s wearing me out! Sex has become a chore for me!

My girlfriend is still amazing in and out of bed but I find myself turning her down quite a bit. I think she’s taking it ok, but I’m a bit nervous she’ll turn elsewhere to satisfy her appetite for sex.

I sometimes feel like I’m with a dude and I’m the chick…

I’m not sure if there is such a thing as a “normal” sex drive. However, one thing is for sure — she will need counselling if she can’t function normally unless she’s naked and on her back.

Yes, there is such a thing as “too much of a good thing” if it effects how she lives her normal life. If you can’t function properly without (X)  — you have problems.

Do you think she’ll slow down a bit if you show her other forms of affection? Perhaps she just needs a freaking hobby…

Talk to her.

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- Dog

I met this wonderful man at an Irish pub downtime and we had an amazing time. There were drinking, singing and dancing. He was a real gentleman and one thing led to another and we ended up at my place and we had sex.

In the morning when we kissed goodbye he said he would call me. Well, he didn’t call at all and it’s been almost two weeks now. I know he could contact me if he wanted to as I work just down the street for him.

What happened? I wouldn’t have has sex with him had he not expressed all those strong feelings for me! Was he just playing me for sex?

To put it simply: you got screwed…

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- Dog

My mother is a complainer and a whiner! She’s always nagging on me about my friends, how late I stay out at night and that I don’t do enough around the house etc. etc. etc. The thing is that I’m 23. Who my friends are shouldn’t be any her business!

She doesn’t see my as an independent woman!

I have told her to back off but she isn’t listening. The other day she cleaned my room when I was at work. She even cleaned my bedside table with all my private and intimate things… It’s disgusting!

How can I get my mother to give me some privacy?

She is treating you like a child because you still live at home… Unless you are a hairy Italian chick building up her dowry — find yourself your own apartment!

You may do as you wish once you have your own place. She’s probably completely fed-up with having to feed and clean up after you, so quit your whining. I hope for your mother’s sake that you don’t bone your boyfriends in her home. The last thing she needs it to have to wash her daughter’s semen stained sheets.

It’s quite simple: when you live in someone else’s place, you have to play by their rules. Consider it common decency.

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- Dog

Where can I find free online porn? I’m of legal age so you don’t have to concern yourself with any moral issues about answering my question.

Thanks for your time!

Well, as you contacted me using email, I would assume that you have access to the Internet? I would start there…

Most people that use (and let their kids use) the Web are concerned with keeping away from online smut. It’s sadly quite impossible to avoid porn if you surf the Web. Really!

If you aren’t able to find any free online porn — you probably don’t have the mental capacity to process said material. Simply trying to find it on your own should result in more porn than your penis and hand can cope with — in a lifetime!

Gone are the days when you had to buy and hide magazines from your mom and dad. Nowadays you don’t have to pay to get off… It can be a good thing though… It frees up money that you can spend on more rewarding and constructive things: food, good-quality socks and imported beer.

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- Dog