Ask Dog

There’s this man that walks the dog the same time as I do. We always say hello and chat about the weather before going our separate ways.

I know he is single, so I don’t understand why we can’t past “hellos” and the “weather” basically? It’s been three years now!

I’m very interested in him, and I’m not half-bad-looking either.

How do I approach this man?

Take your top-off and bring up the benefits of water-based lubricants the next time you bump in to him?

If the former is to too difficult for you — ask him over for a cup of coffee or tea, or whatever your preference “excuse-beverage” may be. Don’t start with the weather…

Perhaps he has ruled you out, as you haven’t insinuated that you could consider getting naked with him, for the last three years…

Then again, maybe he’s shy? Maybe he’s gay? Simply ask him the question, and all will soon be revealed to you…

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- Dog

How do I ask my husband if we could have a threesome with one of my co-workers? My husband Steve is a wonderful husband and father, and my co-worker adores him. She has expressed interest in my husband on many occasions.

She is bi-sexual and I define myself as bi-curious, I guess. I have never slept with another woman before, but I have come very close to going all the way a few times…

I just don’t know how to bring it up… Advice?

You don’t know how to ask him?

How about: “Steve, my co-worker and I want to screw your brains out… Interested?”

That should do the trick.

You could also probably simply tell him: “Steve, get naked, a hot friend of mine is coming over in 5 minutes”.

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- Dog

I have a new boyfriend who isn’t all that great in bed. I find myself faking orgasms with him (never done this before).

Sex is not really working for me with him and I’m getting tired of faking it.

How do I tell him I have been faking my orgasms?

You don’t have to tell him that you have been lying to him. Why not simply start being a bit more honest from now on? Help him a long a bit… I’m sure he’ll soon learn your likes and dislikes, and will be able to put things together for you.

How is he going to be able to fix things, if I he doesn’t know anything is wrong?

As for him not being “all that great in bed”… Well, it takes two, right? I’m sure he’s a bright shining star who never flickers, on his own.

If you aren’t too shy play Hide The Sausage — you shouldn’t be too shy to talk.

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- Dog

I have this guy that I chat with online. We have been messaging, chatting and emailing each other for 2 years and he really is an amazing person. Now he wants us to meet.

I should be very excited but I’m petrified, as I have lied about my age to him. I’m 7 years older than he is his and not 4 years younger…

The pictures I have sent him of myself were in reality, of a family friend. I know it was a stupid thing to do, but when we first started chatting I didn’t think it would ever evolve in to this amazing thing.

What am I supposed to do? I’m afraid I will lose him because of my stupid lies. I care for him a lot.

Do you think he could ever forgive my chat lies?

No, he will probably not be able to forgive you. You are pretty much a complete stranger to him… Everything you have, or think you have, built, are all lies.  You lied about all these monumental things, so it’s not too far fetched to assume you have lied about other things also.

You have to tell him! Then pray that he can forgive you… It takes one heck of a person to forgive something like this though.

In general, please don’t call them “chat lies” — they are “horrible lies”…

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- Dog

I recently had sex with a guy from work. Since our weekend, he’s doing everything to avoid me. I told a friend at work that I had sex with him and have a crush on him. She told me that many women have had sex with him.

She also told me he lives with his ex-wife and kids.

It was a shock!

How can I tell if she’s lying to me about him? Isn’t it possible that she also has a crush on him and is trying to split us?

It’s also possible that you are a complete idiot.

Well, he’s avoiding you like the plague, so that’s probably a good indicator that you were nothing more than an easy lay for him.

Resign to the fact that you have been had and move on with you life!

You weren’t “all that”…

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- Dog

I love Zac Efron and want to have his babies! How do I meet him? He is sooo cute! He is sooo sexy! I love him!

How do I have sex with Zac Efron?

You don’t love him… You will never have sex with him… It will never happen, sorry!

The closest you will ever get to Zac Efron are the pictures in your room.

You will remain a virgin for quite awhile yet… I bet you don’t even know that guys don’t smell like sticky tack…

Once your hormones settle down — you will realize how silly and immature you are.

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- Dog

My mom and dad are divorced since a couple of months, and now she is bringing home many strange guys from the bar for sex. I know it is sex because I can hear her all over the house pretty much.

Why is she having sex and screaming when I am home? I never heard her screaming like that with my dad.

Her never screaming with your dad was probably a contributing factor to the divorce…

A certain level of discretion is required when people (kids especially) are around. Simply ask her to try to keep it down (or to take it elsewhere).

She might become more self aware if you inform her, that you don’t need to know how “she wants it” or “needs it”.

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- Dog

My boyfriend says he’s fed up using condoms as he claims they ruin the mood and that they don’t feel right. He’s asking me to go on the pill.

I love him but I can’t go on the pill right now as they could interfere with some other medication I’m taking.

How do I convince him to use condoms?

Tell him what you wrote here… “I can’t go on the pill right now because…”

You might also want to add that the only other option to condoms is that you supply him with some slippery skin cream for his hand and a box of Kleenexes (tissues).

Don’t you worry… He’ll come around when he starts walking like John Wayne in a Western…

Health first. Always…

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- Dog

I always mess up. It’s not big things but I’m making stupid mistakes on exams in school (I still do well), braking things around the house and forgetting stuff, and being generally distracted.

The other day I burned a dish in the oven and my dad got furious! He was yelling and screaming, and the worst part — he called my useless! It really hurt. I have apologized at least 10 times for the pot and the food but he hasn’t apologized for going crazy.

Now I’m even more freaked out around the house because I’m scared out of my mind to mess something up. It’s exhausting! I have always been daddy’s good little girl but he has changed in the last year. He has been screaming a lot.

Why is my dad always yelling and screaming at me?

People overreact and say stupid things when they are tired, stressed and distracted. Very few parents are purposely mean and condescending to their kids — they have just lost their way a bit.

He not bringing up an apology on his own is probably because his head is somewhere else. Perhaps he’s embarrassed to bring it up (and thinks that you are over it)?

This is clearly bothering you, so why don’t you talk to hime when you are both in a good mood and you have his attention?

Tell him how you feel.

Of course you are exhausted — you shouldn’t need to walk on eggshells at hone. Of course you make stupid mistakes — you are freaking exhausted!

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- Dog

We have been in an on/off long distance relationship for about a year and a half now. We were best friends before he moved away. We have a lot in common, from musical tastes to the same birthday.

He has been making arrangements to move up here for some time now. That’s all well and good, but where he is living now he has an on/off relationship with this other woman.

She is utterly beautiful and world travelled, where I am overweight, average looking and pretty much Canada bound. She comes from a rich family and has everything to offer him, while I live in a two-bedroom house, am not working and have no family riches.

Is it actually possible that this man would rather be here with me? Perhaps I’m just kidding myself into having into having my hopes smashed?

It’s easier being a ruthless, selfish bastard and half-a-man from a distance… Lying and hurting someone to their face is much more difficult. As things are right now — you are not even on the same planet…

A long distance relationship by definition; you are in a committed relationship but there is a certain landmass separating you (temporarily). Him being on another planet for 18 months (with perhaps an occasional visit or phone call?), is not a relationship. It’s a really slow and tedious game where you are the one sitting around waiting for his next move (whenever, and if, it happens).

18 months to make arrangements for someone you really care for is just nonsense… If it were important to him, he would be there already. Really! He could simply say, “Screw the arrangements!” and just start walking to where you are at.

I’m not sure what this on/off relationship with this other woman involves… However, if she is there with him — it certainly doesn’t involve you, as you are on another planet.

The weight, looks and the number of stamps in a woman’s passport is not import to all men. Heck, look at Julia Roberts, she is a bag of bones, gnome-looking, world travelled creature and she found someone! If she can do it…

Demand something from him and you will soon see how committed he is — then move on!

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- Dog