Ask Dog

I want to find a boyfriend who worships me over all else. He needs to be cuddly, enjoy walks in the park, non-smoker, non-drinker and not curse or talk dirty. Most importantly: getting off should not be his main priority in life!

I have done the bar scene, hook-ups through friends and the workplace, but I’m only coming up with losers! I’m desperate!

On the TV they sometimes show ads for dating services and it looks good — to good… Do they really work as great as advertised?

Can you recommend an online dating service?

Yes, I’m sure online dating works for some people but I’m afraid they won’t work for you…

Looking at the way you describe your ideal mate — you are not looking for a man, you are looking for a neutered puppy. Have you tried kennels?

No, I can’t really recommend one particular dating service. However, you best bet to find a man, is probably to go with one of the big ones: Match.com, eHarmony.com and Lavalife.com… There are more fish in those pools.

Most of them have free trials for women. If nothing else — you might get a chuckle out of it and perhaps make some new friends. Dating services don’t have to be time entirely wasted as they are like huge social networks in a way.

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- Dog

Are there signs that tell me if my boyfriend really loves me? My boyfriend always acts sweet around me, but he has never said the words, “I love you!” How do I tell?

There are quite a few signs… The most obvious ones:

1. When he’s getting a lap dance from a big-breasted stripper — he will insist on calling her by your name when the stripper pulls her thong over his head.
2. He takes women’s liberation and equality seriously — he sends you to investigate any strange noises in the house in the middle of the night.
3. He won’t leave you alone on Super Bowl Sundays — he will send you to your sister’s or mother’s house, after you have done the beer run.
4. Your boyfriend will never bet you in a poker game — unless he knows for sure he has the winning hand, or it’s extremely likely he has the winning hand.
5. When having sex he will let you be on top — even though there’s a Star Trek marathon on TV, and there’s no set installed in the ceiling.

Funny thing you need to ask… I though women “knew” when they “know”?

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- Dog

How can you love someone one day and then suddenly you don’t? My boyfriend and I had a wonderful weekend in Vermont together but when we got back, he broke up with me!

I mean he literally kissed me goodbye when he dropped me off at my place. I’m not even angry or sad — I’m in shock!

This was the first time we ever spent all our time together for a few days. Had you asked me, I thought all went really well! We didn’t have one argument even.

You know when you eat yourself sick on lemon meringue pie to the point where you can’t stand the sight or smell of one? Think of yourself as his lemon meringue pie…

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- Dog

Theoretically, only of course… In which professions would I kill people? I mean accidentally of course (not murder).

Well there are a few actually. Below you will find some professions with high “accidental” kill ratios.

I first thought about including the Office of President of the United States, but deaths caused by presidential signatures are rarely accidental… All signatures and deaths “should” be extremely premeditated.

1. Soldier.
2. Cop.
3. Doctor.
4. Truck driver.
5. Chinese toy importer.

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- Dog

I had sex with another woman (one-night stand) the day after my girlfriend dumped me (in a bar… drunk… amazing hot blonde…)

Well, my girlfriend regrets it now and wants us back together again. I love her and I rather understand her being angry with me about all the hours I spend at work. However, I think she realizes now that all the work I do is for future financial independence and not because I love my job. It’s a job — that pays incredibly well!

We were only apart for a week and I slept with another woman the next day… It might not go over to well!

Should I tell her I slept with another woman after we broke up?

Of course not… Tell her nothing! You were single at the time of the amazing hot blonde.

There’s nothing do gain by telling her of your little escapade. Unless, of course your purpose is to let her know that she can easily be replaced in a matter of hours, if she has another hissy fit.

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- Dog

I’m 19 and my boyfriend and I have decided to have sex finally. He’s more experienced than I am by a lot. I’m in fact a virgin.

I have talked to my girlfriends about sex and all but one said that they didn’t enjoy it that much the first time. The girl that did like it; said it was amazing.

Well, I want it to be a positive thing for me also!

How can I make it special when losing my virginity?

Light some candles, wear a funny hat, and pray that your boyfriend knows what he’s doing…

Most sex therapists would probably also recommend that you aren’t crap-faced drunk or stoned and that you to take it slow. However, as I’m not a therapist, I would say, have a couple of glasses of wine (if you are of legal age where you are at) and go at it like crazed rabbits (if you are of legal age where you are at).

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- Dog

I have only had one sex partner — my current boyfriend of 5 years. After my latest gynaecologist visit I got horrible news — I have gonorrhoea!

My boyfriend swears that he is fine and that he has been faithful to me.

However, he also refuses to have himself tested as he says he feels fine…

Do you think my boyfriend gave me the gonorrhoea?

Unless you have really frisky and sneaky house gnomes, where you live — your boyfriend gave it to you!

Tell your boyfriend that gonorrhoea can spread to the blood and joints. If this happens — the condition can become life threatening. He should have himself tested as soon as possible.

To be sure you will not end up with gonorrhoea elserwhere — avoid infected house gnomes/boyfriends.

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- Dog

My boyfriend broke up with me but somehow we still end up having sex regularly. Now he has a new girlfriend but he still wants to see me…

Does this mean he still loves me? I don’t know what to think!

No, it just means that he enjoys having sex with you.

What you should do? I don’t know… grow up and stop being a stupid tart?

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- Dog

My current period is incredibly heavy! It’s been 8 days now and it’s not slowing down at all. Normally my periods last for around 5 days and are heavy for about 3 days, but not this time! It’s scary!

Last month I didn’t have a period and I’m wondering if that has something to do with it? I’m 16 years old and I don’t have sex.

Are very heavy periods normal?

Listen! I’m a dude… I suffer periods too but I don’t have them personally. My experience with periods is sleeping in the basement while my wife takes an extreme interest in ice cream, and by trying to cause me physical hurt using a hammer.

Instead of asking strangers on the internet (like myself), why not try your mom, or a friend (of the female kind). If the other womankind don’t have a clue and can’t reassure you, and you are still nervous — talk to a healthcare professional.

The good news? You are not pregnant…

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- Dog

I’m attracted to my sister’s friend. She is 15 and I’m 29… It’s more than just a silly crush and physical attraction — I think I love her!

I realize that our age difference is rather big, and I’m wondering if her parents would be ok with it? Would it make things better if I asked her parents first?

She knows I like her but I haven’t pursued her yet.

Any advice on our age difference?

Yes, I have some advice… Leave the children alone! You are a grown man and should be looking to women — not innocent and immature little girls.

By all means — talk to her parents… If they are of average intelligence, they will also peg you as the weak-minded and selfish predator you are. Very few parents take kindly to grown men showing up at their door (dick in hand) and enquiring about the availability of their offspring.

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- Dog