Ask Dog

I think I’m a crossdresser! I mean, I like wearing my mom’s underwear, bras and pantyhose when she’s not home. I don’t know why I do this, and I can’t stop myself. It’s like a compulsion!

I have been doing it on and off for about three years now. But it’s been more often since Christmas. I feel stressed if I’m not wearing panties!

It’s not a sexual thing, as I don’t masturbate or anything. I’m also not gay, as I have had many girlfriends. Women’s clothes just make me happy!

I want to tell my mom but I’m afraid she’ll get angry for digging though her laundry and wearing her clothes. I’m not a kid — I’m 19, so it’s not “hormones” or a “phase”.

Am I a crossdresser?

Yes, you seem to enjoy wearing women’s clothes… So, yes, you seem to be a crossdresser. Unless of course you have some freaky mommy fetish going on?

Dude, it is what it is… It’s 2008 and people not living in the Bible Belt have more immediate concerns than to bother themselves with what clothes make certain people happy.

One thing though! Don’t wear other people’s underwear (or clothes in general). It’s unhygienic and disturbing. You don’t want to catch any creepy-crawlers — from your mom especially! Why not buy your own gear? Really…

No! You don’t tell your mother! Are you out of your mind? Trust me, she doesn’t want to know you have been wearing her dirty laundry. Again, if it makes you happy — by your own clothes.

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- Dog

There’s this guy at work who is amazing, but he doesn’t seem to notice me at all. I have tried to put myself in situations where I could chat with him… Still nothing!

He seems to talk to everyone but me… It’s been three years now!

How do I get the man of my dreams to notice me?

Flash him your boobs or that tattoo on your ass that says, “Will get naked for pot and reggae music”.

Three years? Walk up and talk to him! The man of your dreams will end up becoming someone else’s husband and father, if you don’t pick up the pace.

Go and get it, if you want it! Things don’t always “just happen…” You sometimes have to help “just happen” along a little bit… Again, walk up and talk to him!

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- Dog

At what age is it ok for me to have sex? You often refer to teenage girls as “kids” but we are not all kids!

(a) 18 as I don’t know you…

(b) 35 if you were my daughter!

If you live at home with mommy and daddy, or have crap sticky-tacked to your bedroom wall — you are a kid (no matter what age you are).

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- Dog

Is it true women are not attracted to shorter men? I often hear and read women say that they don’t like looking down on a man, and that they don’t feel protected, as in shorter men being less masculine?

Any truth in this?

Yes, it’s true… unless you are Tom Cruise! He is short as a hobgoblin, and only gets laid because he is filthy rich, handsome, well-spoken, a great father, has a blistering smile and always does the Macarena like there’s no tomorrow.

Dude, it’s a generalization… It’s just as untrue as women need to have a C-cup and being able to suck a pork dumpling through a straw, in order to be attractive to a man. When in reality, everyone knows the minimum requirement is a B-cup, and being able to put some effort in to it, for women to be “slated” as attractive.

Don’t waste your energy and time on this… It’s pointless and a complete waste of time. Time you could have spent roaming the magical fairy forest for curious and open-minded nymphets.

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- Dog

How do I write a novel? I feel I need to write a novel but I don’t know where to start! I would love to be a famous author one day, but I fear the day will be far in the future as I can’t even get started right now.

Any advice?

You become a writer by writing… Perhaps you could try juggling, skip-roaping or cooking if writing isn’t for you? Granted, all activities require you to pick up the tools in order to improve…

Not everyone can write for a living, and certainly, no writer is destined to become a famous author.

How about if you write down your story and simply ignore all the horrible grammar and punctuation you will be producing? Then have people read it… Take all their feedback and sign up for some writing classes to correct everything you did wrong.

I’m not sure if that’s the way to go about things, as I’m not a writer — I just write (poorly).

You are completely out of luck if you don’t have a story to tell. Sorry.

I write this advice column because it amuses me… My grammar, punctuation and spelling are not good enough to pen a Chinese restaurant menu, but I do it anyway. Worrying about things gets nothing done… Write!

You have to start somewhere, then it’s “just” sweat and hard work from that point on. Ok, having lived a life, and being a person that thinks, and never stops learning; might also help when it comes to writing a novel.

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- Dog

Why aren’t kids afraid of Elmo?

He’s a monster, yet no kids are afraid of him. Explain that to me if you can!

1. Elmo doesn’t have teeth.
2. Elmo is small.
3. Elmo is not slimy.
4. Elmo’s voice is that of a 5-year-old on heliun.
5. Elmo is not black, brown or green.
6. Elmo is not known for entering kids bedrooms at night.
7. Elmo’s only worldly possessions are a crayon and a goldfish.
8. Elmo’s friends often break out in close harmony singing.
9. Elmo look-a-like dolls are sold in the 5-and-under isle at Toys “R” Us.
10. Elmo never has violent rages or spontaneous erections.

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- Dog

I’m 15 and my boyfriend is 16, and we have been dating for 4 months. This summer he will be going to South America for a year.

I don’t know if I can wait for him that long…

Should I move on or wait for my love?

Move on? You need to come to an understanding about the house, and your 2-and-a-half kids before he leaves? It’s all very cute, but there’s nothing for you to move on from…

Boyfriends and innocent little crushes will come and go… You will have forgotten about him before he is served his first pop on the plane. Yes, you might be cry, whine and feel pathetic for a little while, but you won’t be able to nail done exactly why, and you get over yourself…

4 months is nothing! If you look carefully, I’m sure you will find a pair of socks under you bed that have been there longer than 4 months

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- Dog

Is it possible to die from a broken heart?

My girlfriend broke up with me and I feel horrible!

No, it’s not possible to die from a broken heart, unless you by “broken heart” mean heart defect. If you are worried about a medical condition — talk to a healthcare professional.

It is however possible to die by repeatedly bashing your head against the wall, because you regret treating your girlfriend like crap even though she owned her own brewery, and could bend like a Cirque du Soleil acrobat.

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- Dog

Where can I find a Chinese woman to marry? I have tried different cultural events to hook up with someone, but no one has been interested in me. Probably because I’m a big white guy?

I have thought about trying an online ad to find a local Chinese female (I live in Dallas), but I’m not sure if it’s for me. Some sort of mail-order bride is out of the question!

Any tips on find the woman of my dreams?

Why are you so specific about the ethnicity? If you read something in a fortune cookie — relax! Messages in fortune cookies aren’t meant to be taken literally, or seriously.

What’s going on here? Are you tired of ordering sub-par Chinese food, and need authentic meals prepared in-house? Have you considered cooking classes instead? They will be much cheaper, and less stressful (and eventually less painful…) than marrying someone.

You are probably freaking women out with your approach. Not all women will enter a relationship looking for marriage… Dating and getting to know someone is probably the natural first step.

If you have some kinky fetish going on… Yes, ironing out the specifics in an online dating ad is probably your best bet. It will at least be less freaky and confusing to the woman choosing to answer it.

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- Dog

Is it normal to have red testicles? I have this itchy rash around and on my testicles that comes and goes. This last one doesn’t seem to want to go away, and it’s worse it’s ever been.

Help me! I’m too embarrassed to tell my parents.

You probably have some sort of skin infection, and you need to get it looked at by a doctor. If the infection doesn’t go away by itself, it will get much worse… Infections may also spread, and get nasty and dangerous quickly.

You need to have your equipment checked. Your problem is probably easily fixed, with some sort of special skin cream, but to make sure you get the right stuff — talk to your parents about seeing somebody, right now!

Regular equipment maintenance is import — it’s called water and soap. In your case, it’s most likely beyond regular maintenance and water and soap is not going to cut it.

Talk to you parents! See a doctor! Now!

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- Dog