Ask Dog

How are tornadoes formed? All states have wind, rain, thunder and lightning, but get no tornadoes. I live in Oklahoma and we get them all the time.

Why is this?

Well, first you need a giant rotating thunderstorm, a supercell, which is created when cold polar air meets warm tropical air. This high-pressure air mass (the so-called trigger) needs to be pulled down from the sky by a low-pressure area, a so-called trailer park.

As soon as the high-pressure airmass passes over the low-pressure area — a tornado is formed.

No trailer parks — no tornadoes. Many trailer parks — many tornadoes.

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- Dog

My boyfriend of 8 years doesn’t believe in God, even though he comes from a catholic family. I’m a practicing catholic and take our religion seriously. I need to attend church every week — he refuses to go!

How am I supposed to raise a family with him? He is perfect in all other ways; it’s just the question of his religious conviction that makes me doubt him.

It’s important to me!

It took you EIGHT YEARS before you finally asked yourself that question? How deep in the sand has your head been burried? Maybe you shouldn’t have spent all those years talking to God only, but your boyfriend also? I’m sure your God tried to tell you that, but you didn’t hear it!

If you won’t listen to God, perhaps you will listen to Dog! Woman! If “he is perfect in all other ways” — that’s pretty darned good. It’s Godlike even!

If you have been taking your religion seriously, you have also been withholding sex for 8 years; as you are supposed to; not being married. He IS God if he is still there being “perfect” for you after 8 years of Blue Balls, or you are the only woman on the planet who’s breasts perk-up, instead of sag every year.

Talk to him! Figure out what the game plan is!

Good luck finding another man that’s perfect, and also worships in your dated religious organization!

As for your boyfriend refusing to enter a church… Is it possible that he used to work as an altar boy? Talk to him!

Everything not going your way is not the work of Satan — it is life!

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- Dog

A friend of mine told me that most males wank 2-3 times a day. Well since then I have been doing it up to 5 times a day, but now I found it boring!

I wonder if there are any options to wanking?

I don’t have a girlfriend.

Yes, there are options — Guitar Hero III comes to mind immediately. In fact, Guitar Hero is actually marketed to wankers first and foremost. Who else has the freaking time with the Expert level in that game when you have a wife or girlfriend?

Another option — learn to play a real guitar, or read a freaking book occasionally? Your mind will demand some intellectual stimuli if you leave the knob alone for a while.

Of course you don’t have a girlfriend… Women can very quickly tell huge wankers from guys that play the guitar and read…

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- Dog

When will my wife tell me why she left me? The reason she gave was that I have nothing left to give, but that’s not a real reason! There must be more to it?

We have two kids that I have at home with me — she lives with a work mate, a man, buts she says that isn’t what it looks like!

“You have nothing left to give” translates to: “I’m screwing someone newer and more exciting now, and he’s giving it to me good.”

“It isn’t what it looks like” translates to: “I’m too lazy, stupid and have no class, to hide what’s going on.”

Well, if she has left already, I guess there’s nothing more to say? If she still has some of her crap lying around, and wants to pick it up or if she wishes to see her kids again — ask her then! You deserve at least that much.

Your situation is bleak… The sunny-side of things? It will get better! A woman taking these kinds of actions has some serious issues. A sensible woman and mother won’t just run out of the house in the middle of the night without her knickers and kids.

Get your question answered then look for someone better!

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- Dog

I can’t possibly answer all questions sent to me, so I thought I would give it a go with a forum, where visitors may easily ask and reply to questions.

It will not replace my normal posts. It’s merely meant to (hopefully) become a visitor driven addition.

We’ll see how it plays out. I hope that it will build up enough momentum to power itself soon enough.

Give it a shot! Join! Don’t be a stranger…

Play nice! Have fun!

Click to visit the Ask Dog Forum.

- Dog

My daughter is 14 and has asked me for my permission to have her belly button pierced. She’s not troubled and does well in school. Still, I think she’s too young!

What is the appropriate age for a piercing? She needs to grow up at one point or another. I’m just not sure!

What’s your opinion?

A well placed piercing in a well-formed belly button can be sexy and cool… She’s a kid… Does she really need to try to look sexy and cool at 14? I don’t think so.

Piercings and tattoos are a form of self-mutilation. It shouldn’t be that important to her.

She can wait a few years. Really.

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- Dog

I need to get my girlfriend a birthday present. It would be cool if I could get her one that also brings me joy. 

What if I bought my girlfriend a rubber fist for her birthday?

Why would you buy her a rubber fist? Did she lose her arm in a freaky sword fight? Jewellery or some kind of garment will always be a better bet than pirate regalia.

Never bring attention to handicaps or things you perceive to be flaws in your girlfriend. I’m sure she is a lovely girl, and a rubber fist will only be confusing to her…

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- Dog

Why does my boyfriend get angry when I ask him what is wrong? Sometimes he gets so quiet and distant. It is as if he is not emotionally present with me all the time!

What could be troubling him?

Nothing is troubling him… Except perhaps your nonsense nagging. Sometimes a man needs his space too… You know, to think about what he wants to think about, like celebrity honey wrestling and football. Everything isn’t always about you, and your Tupperware shopping sprees.

Give him some space to just be. Don’t smother him!

If he’s like that all the time — you are probably coming to an end as a couple anyway and there’s nothing you can do about it. Nag him with insignificant crap, and you will get to that point quicker.

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- Dog

I found this website looking for advice on hauntings and I have to say that you are wrong… Very wrong!

An old woman haunts our house. Many people have sensed her presence and it isn’t a pleasant one! She moves things around the house, e.g. a book in the basement ends up in the upstairs bathroom and so on.

Just because you can’t sense the spiritual world, it doesn’t mean that hauntings aren’t real. Maybe you aren’t sensitive enough for hauntings?

I assume you are referring to this: http://www.askdog.com/2006/11/23/is-there-anyway-a-person-can-protect-himself-from-ghosts

Your senile grandmother not remembering where she places stuff is not a haunting — she is merely having a senior’s moment.

Ghosts moving crap around the house is a Hollywood cliche… Surely, spirits would have better things to do than to float your books upstairs? Like actually reading the damned things on the comfy couch downstairs?

Where logic ends — medication should start.

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- Dog

My boyfriend makes strange noises and odd faces when he has an orgasm…

Yes, in a way it’s flattering that I drive him crazy but I often feel like I’m back in high school — it’s not very arousing looking up at Goofy!

How can I make my boyfriend express his orgasms differently?

Burn him on the arse with your curling iron? Alternatively, close your eyes and think about Mickey Mouse?

It is what it is… Here’s a picture to illustrate:

http://www.scudfish.com/2008/02/15/what-my-dad-looked-like/

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- Dog