Ask Dog

I’m an athlete, yet girly at the same time, good looking, nice, not overly confident, and funny. Yet I don’t have too many friends, and guys don’t like me. I have never had a boyfriend.

I get jealous at all the girls at my high school that hang out with all the hot guys and go to parties and have a bunch of fun, but I’m not with their “crowd” and my friends don’t do that.

It’s really hard in high school to make new friends because they already are in a certain group. For the guy thing… I have no clue why they don’t like me. I asked someone and they said they might be intimidated by me?

All I know is my self-esteem is low right now, so I don’t have enough confidence to walk up and talk to someone.

I’m worried I’m going to be one of those lonely old ladies who live with 200 cats!

Why don’t I fit in?

Surely, everyone is not with the “in-crowd?” Heck, that would make for a pretty lame-arse group of people… In fact, that would make them all drones, no? If you don’t get to play in a particular sandbox — go to another…

Come one, all “hot guys” (read: symmetrically pleasing high school children of the male species) can’t be hanging around this one “crowd”… Look around you and I’m sure you will find guys everywhere! Really, guys are like the 1600s bubonic plague — they (and “it”)  are everywhere!

You are not supposed to “fit in”… You are supposed to find your own way! Are there no people around when you are being that “girly athlete, who is good looking, nice and funny?” Talk to people when you do what you do best… and when you are at your best. This is when you are most likely to make friends and boyfriends.

Perhaps you only feel and act awkward when you try to be something you are not? Stop doing it, if it isn’t working for you. Be yourself — think for yourself and find your own way.

Being a drone is not attractive, being an awkward drone even less so.

You are not going to be a cat-lady… Relax!

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- Dog

My fiance is a huge Fantasy and Lord of the Rings fan, and she hopes to have plastic surgery to make her ears elvish-looking… I have told her it’s over between us if she goes ahead with her plan. I’m not walking around with an elf looking mother of our future children!

Both our families are extremely conservative and they would flip-out, and probably disown her if she turned herself in to a pointy-eared elf.

How do I deal with my elf-wannabe girlfriend?

It doesn’t have to be a bad situation…

Ask her to grow her hair or wear a toque, if she goes through with her surgery. Nobody will be able to tell.

The upside of this? There is nothing like crazy elf-sex, and her new ears will give you something to grab, and hold on to!

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- Dog

My girlfriend farts smell bad and are a real turn-off. I find my girlfriend less attractive when she farts.

I don’t know what to tell her! How do I get my girlfriend to stop farting?

Well, you cant’t stop her from producing and expelling excess gas… The gas has to go somewhere, or you would see people exploding all around you. You swallow air and gas is produced when food is digested — it has to come out!

Everyone has gas, and nobody’s farts smell like blueberry muffins. Yes, you might think your own farts smell like an Italian bakery at 8 o’clock in the morning, but really… They don’t!

Your girlfriend will fart on occasion — learn to live it, or acquire a plastic inflatable one!

You might want to ask her to show some restraint if she’s the type of person that takes great pride in her farts, and is excessively giddy about sharing them with everyone.

Common courtesy of a crop dusting walkabout, or blaming the dog, is a learned behaviour — show her how it’s done!

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- Dog

I started dating this guy about a month and a half back. We pretty much clicked right away, and everything was going well: we went to my prom together, and whatnot.

About a week after my prom, I received three text messages notifying me that he was ending our relationship, using cliched phrases, such as “you are nice, but we aren’t meant to be together”, “I wish things could have been different” etc.

That happened to be a Friday. On Monday, when I returned to school, a friend alerted me that he was previously in a homosexual relationship. That last point isn’t very valid to the final question, I just find it highly humorous and entertaining, and it makes me feel slightly better.

Anyhow, I returned to the mall a few days later (he works in a store there), and passing by the store, I saw him chatting up some other chick. I’m positive she was the real reason I was dumped… I’m also positive that he saw me, and it made me slightly angered that he didn’t approach me, and tell me something (I’m sorry I sent you a text message, blah, blah, blah…) Therefore, I purchased ice cream and threw it on his car (He never brought up the ice cream incident.)

Later on, I decided to send him a text message asking him to please mail me my prom pictures (which were sent to his house). He told me that I could come pick them up at his work, because “he doesn’t send mail”. I had a thought that he may possibly ask me out again…

Would it be acceptable (for lack of a better word) to say yes, if he did ask me out, only to break up with him? None of his girlfriends has broken up with him before; therefore,  would it be ok to have revenge, seeing, as there was no “valid” reason for him to break up with me?

Basically… Would it be ok to get together so I could break up with him?

You dated this arsehole dude for a couple of months, and you need revenge for a pathetic and weak break-up? Listen, it’s not going to be the last one… You will be wasting a lot of time and energy if you have to plot a revenge for each an every failed relationship.

Getting together with him, simply to break-up with him, would be an act of utter futility… He doesn’t care about you! If he doesn’t care — you breaking up with him will mean absolutely nothing! Zero! Nada! All he will see is you crawling before him.

Slate it under the “mistake column” and move on.

If it will make you feel better — by an ice cream cone every time you go to the mall…

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- Dog

I’ve been dating my current girlfriend for about 3 months. Well, last night was the first time I spent the night at her place (she normally stays with me).

After she left for work, I had a shower and some breakfast. Then I did something I shouldn’t have done (I know it was wrong) — I went through her stuff… I was curious! Sue me!

Well, I found a huge odd-looking dildo and a battery pack! It looked like some kind of Klingon weaponry! I’m stunned! I have never though of her as being that way, as she’s kind of a quiet and reserved person, perhaps she is a bit shy even.

Now what? How do I talk to her about the dildo? I’m more than “lacking” if I compare myself to that device. Help!

Very funny… See? It’s karma! You don’t go through other people’s stuff! Everyone needs a certain level of privacy, and their own space.

As for her being “that way”… What way is “that”? Women can get as freaky as men…

You have only known her for 3 months… It’s nothing… You don’t know all that much about her yet…

Why would you talk to her about it? What are you going to say? “Hey, babe, I rummaged through your stuff like a sleazy, insecure scumbag and found this…”

No! You let it be. You let it go… And you don’t do it again — ever!

Who knows? Maybe she’ll bring it up on her own when she’s more comfortable around you? Maybe it will eventually go in the attic or garbage? At this point… it has nothing to do with you. For all you know… The Klingon weaponry might be intended for boyfriends she has gotten to know a bit better. Don’t jump to conclusion!

You feel “lacking”? Are you retarded? Trust me, if she found her battery operated toy more rewarding — your pathetic arse would be on the street already.

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- Dog

My boyfriend has started seeing his old girlfriend (they were together for 5 years), as friends, he says. He has spent quite a bit of time with her lately, and often comes home late.

He insists they are just friends, and that there is nothing going on. I don’t believe him!

Who plays tennis 11 o’clock at night? Who shaves, puts on cologne and clean underwear before a tennis match?

Is he cheating on me?

Yes… He’s striving to get his balls handled or it has been done (and is ongoing) already. Easy way to tell — join him at a tennis “match”.

I’m sure very little “female intuition” is needed to sort this out.

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- Dog

I have been talking to this guy on MySpace and we have started to like each other, but one day he asked to hang out, so I let him come over to my house and we watched TV. He started to touch me places, and we had sex.

I thought everything was great. He said since he has my number he would hit me up if we could hang out later that night, or the next day. He wouldn’t stop hugging me goodbye, and he kissed me goodbye and left.

Once he got home, I guess he went on MySpace and deleted me as his friend, and he hasn’t been on AIM ever since, and he usually he goes on all the time!

I have been crying constantly because I like him sooo much and I don’t know if he just used me? Or is it possible that he thought there was no point in having me as a friend on MySpace because he already had my number, or is something else?

Please help me! I don’t know what to do!

Did my MySpace friend just use me for sex?

I want other readers to give me advice too.

Yes, you were used and taken advantage of because you were dumb and ignorant.

You were nothing more than an easy target and victim. Hopefully you have learned your lesson — keep your clothes on! Don’t meet up with people you don’t know, especially people you associate with on the Web!

You are clearly not mature enough for these kinds of games. Don’t do it again, or you could end up in even worse shape!

He deleted everything about you because you were his victim. Why keep that information around?

Talk to your parents. Now.

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- Dog

Who is hotter… George Clooney or Zac Efron?

Well, in general I would consider a naked and sweaty Charlize Theron hanging in my dungeon to be incredibly hot. As for the two dudes mentioned… Neither gets me too worked up.

However, I can give you my spontaneous thoughts about the two and as to what kind of females are attracted to each…

Zac Efron — A Disney groomed man-boy who has just started getting hair in peculiar places. Cute as grandma’s Shit-Tzu, but only because he carries himself as an extremely mature 14-year-old…

He is a girly-boy, adored by females who still have crap sticky-tacked to the walls of their bedrooms. He’s huge among young teens that have just started getting rid of their stuffed animals, and now need something equally innocent and harmless to project their disillusioned wants and needs on to.

George Clooney — A self-groomed man’s-man, who could get Bill Clinton on his knees, if he chose to put in the effort. He is as well groomed and stoic as a dog show German Shepard, who has just had his claws trimmed and a slab of raw bacon for breakfast.

He is a man for whom real women would poison, stab, and mutilate their boyfriends and husbands… and that’s only for one date, shag, and a slap on the arse in the morning.

A general prediction: the woman that gets Mr. Clooney to the altar will be able to do the splits, have perky breasts that defy physics in any universe, and she will own her own brewery. She will also end up being the most envied and hated woman on the planet.

Clear enough?

Good.

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- Dog

My wife says I eat too much pizza. I say, I don’t…

Who is right? How do I tell if I eat too much pizza?

1. Your ass being as wide as a Volkswagen Beetle is the first sign…
2. Your wife having sex with the odd-looking and home-pierced delivery guy that used to call you “Sensei” or “Mastah” might also be a sign….
3. Your armpits being the main source of protein for all the dogs in your neighbourhood is probably also a clue…

Really… If your wife gives you subtle hints — listen!

It doesn’t mean you have to adhere to all her commands, but yes, she probably has a good point… She alone controls the access to her magic box… Listening is a good thing if access to her box matters to you in any way.

Then again, a well-stacked pizza can also be rather rewarding.

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- Dog

My dad refers to me as a homosexual because I cheer for the New England Patriots, but I’m not gay!

I also have a girlfriend, and she is a fu**ing cheerleader for Pete’s sake! I have also done her twice! What the freakin’ hell?

How do I explain to my dad that the New England Patriots aren’t gay?

I’m sorry… It’s very well known… The Pats ARE the gay’s (and grandma’s) team of choice…

You only doing your cheerleader twice proves the point beyond any shadow of doubt… The New England Patriots (and their cheating) are for weak-minded bandwagon homosexuals and grandmothers. It might come as a surprise to you, but it’s not a secret to the rest of the world.

Also, your “Pete’s sake” comment is very, very, very gay! Sorry…

Yes, Michael, you are homosexual… It’s ok though… It’s 2008 and being gay is hip and cool! Being a flame is probably the best choice you could ever have made if you wish to work in Foxboro, Massachusetts.

There is no shame being gay and a Pats fan, but your dad is right though…

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- Dog