Ask Dog

I’m a married woman, 26. I love my husband. We have a wonderful life together on every level. Great sex life, kids and his family is rich.

The thing is, I have always had the hots for my husband’s younger brother, and recently we had sex and I loved it! It was like a crazy wild fantasy coming true! I love my husband and our kids, and I do not intend to leave him. At the same time, would it be so horribly wrong to have sex with my brother-in-law occasionally?

It’s not a random guy so it doesn’t feel like cheating to me.

Why is extramarital sex such a bad thing?

It’s frowned upon because “marriage” by definition is a sensual and contractual relationship with one other person. You know… Wedding woes, rings, priests, and woks, and other crappy gifts from uncles and aunts you rarely see. You didn’t pay much attention on your wedding day, did you?

It’s cheating… No matter how you try to twist things around in your disillusioned mind — it’s cheating and lying, plain and simple. Not only do you risk pissing it all away with your husband, but you also risk wrecking things between two brothers.

You declaring not having any intent to leave your husband means nothing… If (when…) he finds out — your sorry arse will be out on the street (no matter if you want it or not). He’ll find out eventually… You see, brothers talk… Time… It’s all a matter of time…

My guess? Your husband will find out the day after you piss his brother off. “Coming clean” is better than being caught with your pants around your ankles. The back stabbing brother will step up to the plate when the time comes.

You are not overly bright, are you?

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- Dog

Why do women scream during sex? Do they scream because it hurts or because it feels good?

Curious George needs to now!

Porn “actresses” scream because it’s supposedly a turn-on for people masturbating to the film… It’s actually in the “adult film guidelines” pamphlet given out to women entering the adult film industry: “Paragraph 2.b: Always scream as if you lost a toe in a horrific chainsaw accident.”

Don’t compare “real” women to what you see on late night cable…

Women in real life are individuals who express themselves in their own personal way. Some will be more vocal than others will. The decibel level is not necessarily a measuring stick of quality or pleasure.

In real life, “hurts” should not be part of the equation — you stop if something “hurts”. Ask your mommy, I’m sure she will agree!

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- Dog

I found your advice column on Google when looking up husbands and computer porn. I understand what you are saying – men will look at women. That’s fine, and it is what it is. As long as it’s not an “obsession”, it’s just men looking at women. I get that.

I’m not a jealous woman. I’m not an immature and ignorant woman… I knew my husband looked at porn on occasion, but it didn’t bother me, as he is a loving man and a great dad. Well, things have changed now…

My husband hired a new secretary a month or so ago. She is a wonderful woman. She is blisteringly intelligent, well spoken, funny and stunningly beautiful. She is also black.

I’m not a racist! The reason why I even brought up color is that my husband’s preference of porn has changed. I know as we use the same computer… Before “her”, it was seemingly random porn — now it’s all black women! All the time! It’s also more porn than it ever was!

Please don’t tell me there is no connection here. I’m not stupid. I’m worried!

Do I talk to him about it? Am I about to be replaced? Is he going to cheat on me?

Why the black woman porn now?

No, you are definitely not stupid…

In general, you shouldn’t need to worry if he is a “loving man and a great dad” — he’s just projecting his “fantasies” in a direction that gets him “off”. As you have figured out already, of course it has to do with his new secretary.

Your quotes: “all black women…” and “more porn than it ever was…” doesn’t sound very healthy or sane… If you are worried — talk to him! You can’t be walking around being worried all the time. Perhaps he just needs a “reality check” to snap out if his “obsession”.

It takes two selfish and short-sighted people to wreck a marriage and a family… A “blisteringly intelligent” secretary (of any color) won’t go there. A “loving man and a great dad” won’t go there either…

You are worried — talk to him!

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- Dog

This co-worker of mine asked me out on a date. He is a great looking, seemingly nice guy, and all women where I work talk about him. The weird thing? I sense there is something “off”, and perhaps even “scary” about him.

Maybe I’m just nervous? It’s not as if I have a crush on him, or anything like that. I’m single and it would just be a date… I’m not desperate or actively looking for someone.

Do I go out with him or not?

Intuition is a powerful thing… It’s not “magic”. You are picking up on something, which you can’t “put your finger on…” Right? Don’t challenge it — trust your instincts!

Good instincts keep people alive and out of harms way.

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- Dog

On TV there is a show called H2O: Just Add Water, which has made me think about mermaids a lot. It has become a bit of an obsession for me actually.

Isn’t it possible that some people can turn in to mermaids and back again? This could explain why mermaids are rarely seen, and have never been caught.

My older sister thinks I’m crazy but it’s important to me… I need to know for sure!

Are mermaids real?

Everything you see on TV is real! Just recently, Scooby Doo was arrested for shoplifting at the local mall, and Dora the Explorer made the FBI’s Most Wanted list for a string of violent bank robberies!

No, of course not… Mermaids are fairytale creatures. Boredom and ignorance “creates” fairytale creatures, which is why new beast and beauty “creations” are rare…

Art, books and music is available everywhere in this day and age… Cure your boredom and educate yourself and you will see that the world will make a bit more sense to you.

Only watch TV when you feel you don’t want to use your brain for a while…

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- Dog

I need my boobs to be bigger! I’m 13 and have very little there and I’m being teased… All my girlfriends have bigger boobs than me!

How can I make my boobs bigger?

Time is the great equalizer… What you can do? You simply wait a few years…

The development of your mammaries shouldn’t need to be a worry for you, at your age. It’s just nature making it clear that you are not ready to have, and feed, babies.

Go out, play with your friends… and stick to games where breast sizes don’t matter!

Other options:

1. Wear baggy clothes (no one will be able to tell).
2. Stuff you bra (and get undue and improper attention).

Speak to your mom, older sister or a girlfriend. Women find a way! They always do… I’m sure there are all kinds of tricks to “fool the eye” if it’s that important to you.

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- Dog

I’m getting mixed signals from my new boyfriend and I don’t know what to think any more… I feel judged, questioned and pressured because I have had relationships with other men, prior to my current boyfriend.

Is it important to men that girlfriends are virgins?

No, the only important thing is that you are a woman (if he expects you to be one). A “surprise” penis is rarely a good thing!

It sounds like your boyfriend is ridiculously immature and insecure. Find yourself a new boyfriend if he continues to make your life miserable. All women (not just you) might be better off, with him looking for his pure as snow and perfect maiden princess, in a faraway fairytale land.

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- Dog

I have tried it all with my boyfriend but I’m getting very weak responses… It’s as if he doesn’t care any more! I love him but he seems so distant and disinterested lately.

I have tried talking to him, but he says “everything is fine” and that “he’s just tired”, no matter what I try! I have ever tried doing things I thought I would never do!

I have suggested we take a weekend in New York together — he says we need to focus on our budget… *sigh* and *grumble*…

How can I drive my boyfriend crazy?

You are doing great — continue nagging, bitching and moaning…

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- Dog

Why does my girlfriend’s meat sauce give me diarrhea? She gets it too…

Don’t get me wrong… I love spaghetti (and my girlfriend) but taking turns in the bathroom doesn’t make for a very ”romantic” night together.

What is she doing wrong? Help!

I don’t know… I don’t have her recipe in front of me…

However, the most likely culprit is grease, oil, margarine or butter (or a combination of all). They have several bathroom stalls at any given McDonald’s or Burger King joint for a reason…

1. Have her buy lean burger meat…
2. Have her drain the meat after it has been browned…
3. If she uses cream — ask her to use milk instead…
4. If she sautes her vegetables — ask her to use less oil/butter…
5. Have her cut back a bit on aromatic spices (and browning)…

An even easier solution? Poach some fish instead…

Enjoy!

This is the first and only “recipe advice” I will give.

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- Dog

I’m seventeen and have horrible acne all over my body. This makes me very self-conscious. I can’t even stand to see myself in the mirror.

I have never had a boyfriend because I’m too embarrassed.

Do guys care if girls have acne?

Even the finest White Makrana marble has imperfections… If you really want something — you work around it. Skin issues are not uncommon in teens.

Do guys care? I’m sure some guys are more obsessive than others… Ignore the “some guys” and focus your energy on the “other guys”. You will have more success that way.

I’m not sure what “horrible” acne means, in your case. Talk to a dermatologist or a pharmacist! Patience little one… Your acne will clear.

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- Dog