Ask Dog

This guy took me bowling on our first date… He’s a nice person but obviously a tad dumb! Why make your date wear sweaty (and still warm…) shoes, which are worn by thousands of people? It is not what I would call a “romantic” first date.

Stale beer is not my thing either. I’m more of a wine person…

Should I give him a second chance? Should I dump him now?

The good news? I doubt he can do worse…

In regards to “bowling” as a date activity… He clearly isn’t the swiftest propeller at the airport!

Did he also say things like: “In your face, bitch!”, “Looozeeer!” and “I rulez, man!”?

Help him on his way! Tell him, “I have heard about this amazing sushi place…” and if he takes you bikini-honey wrestling or to a show featuring gay Irish people dancing in clogs — send him packing!

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- Dog

My girlfriend of three years is a stripper. At first, I thought it was cool, but lately I have been trying to convince her to change professions. She won’t have anything to do with it!

I’m not sure I can marry someone who works as a stripper, even though she probably makes 6 times more money than I do.

The thought of my future wife giving lapdances to other men, isn’t very appealing to me…

How can I make her stop stripping?

Not to worry, you will soon be an ex-boyfriend and your problems will be solved… It’s a little bit late to start pushing your “revised values” on her… You also can’t “make” her do anything — she’s not a circus animal.

She won’t change just because she gets a ring on her finger (except perhaps for having more frequent untimely headaches). She will stop stripping when she’s fed up.

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- Dog

My wife insists I try Viagra… I insist she takes a goddamn shower occasionally! Viagra won’t help if your wife works in her hobby garden all day, and walks in to the house (and our bed) all sweaty, with sheep manure smelling feet, does it?

Why does my wife think Viagra would help? Even on Viagra, doesn’t the “miracle” pill require the man to WANT to have sex? Surely, swallowing the blue pill won’t make you screw anything in sight? It just gets you hard, right?

I have no problem getting a hard-on around women that don’t smell like sheep manure. In fact, “sexual starvation” has become an embarrassing problem for me in the last couple of weeks. Seriously, I have no problem getting a hard-on 100 feet AWAY from my wife.

Unless your wife is from New Zealand… She has some twisted personal hygiene issues…

Let’s assume she’s not a horribly sunburned and smelly Kiwi… Sheep dung is unhygienic on the best of days. After a couple of days of dragging crap in to bed… it could be lethal! Why not tie her to a plank and hose her down in the backyard? When she’s all clean and doesn’t smell like sheep (dung) — show her that Viagra is not required for your dong to work.

If you are both from New Zealand — isn’t it possible that she is merely trying to make you happy? Tell her that you are one of the rare few local dudes that see Sheep as dinner (and clothing) only. Maybe she’s just confused as to what you want and long for?

Good luck!

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- Dog

What is the difference between Nymphomaniac and Kleptomaniac?

I was on a date with this woman and she mentioned one or the other. I was not really paying attention, but my gut feeling is, that it matters.

It does matter, does it not?

I’m not sure if it matters to you or not, but there is a difference between the two.

Some basic definitions:

• Kleptomaniac — Someone with an irrational urge to steal in the absence of an economic motive.
• Nymphomaniac — Woman with an excessive sexual desire to screw anything that breathes.

Consequences:

• Kleptomaniac — Eventually ends up in prison.
• Nymphomaniac — Eventually ends up making an amazing wife and a mother of many.

How can you tell which she was?

• Kleptomaniac — You go unlucky and she stole your wallet.
• Nymphomaniac — You got lucky.

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- Dog

Is it true God turns his back on gay people? I think I’m gay but feel torn between the Lord and other men… I feel stressed, frustrated and confused.

I think I’m losing my trust and faith in the Catholic Church.

Can you help?

God needs to be very careful when he turns his back on a gay man… Kidding!

Assuming there was a higher being out there, (which there isn’t…), who listens to people’s needs, pleads and whining… wouldn’t he (your catholic God) be way to freaking busy with this bombardment of “nagging” to have time to concern himself with what you choose to do with your penis?

Do you really think God cares about your penis? Do you really think your penis is that important? Will your penis make God go, “Hey, wait a minute… I sense a penis being in a place where it normally doesn’t go, unless by accident! Wtf?”

I don’t think so…

Your penis has no importance on a universal scale (even though you might think so, when you (or someone else) is tugging it…)

Do you know what relieves stress better than getting your rocks off? Logic!

Relax! If all else fails… You are a catholic; confess and say your three “Hail Marys” after you “sin” and be done with. The Catholic Church will forgive anything and anyone, even their own child molesting priests. Please…

Logic! It’s wonderful thing… Try it!

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- Dog

My girlfriend bought a hideous lamp at a garage sale, which she just “loves”… It’s now the centerpiece in our living room… I hate it! It’s hideous! It was in a garage sale for a reason!

How do I tell her to get rid of it?

Don’t tell her to get rid of it… Have a little “accident” with it… “Unfortunate accidents” is a secret passed on between married dudes. In fact, it’s that only one secret to a happy/acceptable marriages (I think even Dr. Phil would agree with that one). Granted, you are not married yet, but then again, this is the Internet and I’m committed to helping… Ahhh, I broke the code of “married man secrets” for married men only… I’ll be hated…  again…

Have the “accident” and get laid again in a couple of days… It will be alright! Buying her some amazing baked goods will speed up her “healing process!” Ahhh! Another married man secret revealed — angry wenches adore sweet sustenance…

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- Dog

How much do you want for your domain name? I’m a veterinarian, and I think askdog.com would work better for a website about dog-related medical problems.

Your website is great, but it would be even better if I could help dogs.

How much? Be realistic please!

No, sorry! People first, then dogs… The domain name is not for sale, unless YOU give me an OFFER that would completely blow my mind. However, it would take one heck of an offer, as I doubt even a crazed and naked Charlize Theron covered in honey could blow my mind…

I’m very happy unselfishly (for free…) helping people along. Thank you very much!

I have some domain names ideas for you and they are all available right now:

1. imaveterinarian.com
2. imacluelessveterinarian.com
3. imacluelessveterinarianhelpingdogs.com
4. imacluelessveterinarianhelpingdogsforhugefees.com
5. imacluelessveterinarianhelpingdogsforhugefeessoicandriveaporsche.com

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- Dog

I’m 15 and I’m dating a 21-year-old. My mom hates her but my dad says it’s ok. He even bought me condoms once. My girlfriend is great and we have a lot of fun together.

Why is everyone so upset?

Why is it wrong for a man to date an older woman?

Well, technically, you are not a “man”… And she is more “girl” than woman… and probably a little slow… Or quite immature and/or extremely medicated (or your teacher…)

If everything is in a legal standing where you are at — have fun together, you lucky bastard!

• Your mom is upset because another female ripped her baby from her teat…
• Your dad bought you condoms so you don’t have to pay for your “girlfriend’s” trailer or meds in the future… Alimony? Heard of it? It’s more costly than hookers are…

People get upset when adults take advantage of children… It’s just the way it is… Really, it’s a good thing when people care and try to help.

It shouldn’t be that “disastrous” for you, as your parents know what’s going on…  Unless of course they live in the trailer next to your girlfriend’s…

They are your parents and they should normally be able to undo anything you screwed up, if need be.

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- Dog

My girlfriend trims her pubes very nicely but doesn’t shave her armpits or legs; what’s the point of that? She looks like a shrimp boat captain coming in from sea, but with a perfectly trimmed crotch!

What am I supposed to tell my girlfriend without upsetting her? All that hair is not cool, man!

No, it doesn’t make any sense why she would only trim her nether regions, and let everything else grow wild. There is probably some miscommunication going on here…

Is it possibly you were drunk one night and said, “I think you are funny as a shrimp boat captain, except when you blush of course” and she heard you say, “I prefer you furry as a shrimp boat captain, except your bush of course”?

You know everything about your girlfriend’s hair growth… but you are too shy to ask her about it? Braid her armpits one night and ask her if it makes her feel pretty?

I sure she’ll have a perfectly reasonable explanation — then adapt to avoid becoming an ex-boyfriend.

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- Dog

I have a situation with my husband, and I’m not sure how to handle it without making him embarrassed. The thing is; he gets up earlier than I do in the morning, and I have often caught him relieving himself against the fence in our backyard.

By relieving himself, I of course mean urinating (there is nothing sexual going on as far as I can tell).

Our toilet is not broken so why would he do that?

You people are married, and I suppose do all kind of crazy and sticky things in the bedroom, and you can’t ask him why he pees on your fence?

Where do you live? In the Bible Belt?

Maybe he’s just lazy?

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- Dog