Ask Dog

How do I get a hot chick in bed? I know this hot chick a little bit… She doesn’t really know of me yet. I want to screw this hot chick like crazy!

Tips on getting her in bed?

Yes, stop referring to her as the “hot chick”. Only compulsive masturbators refer to the fairer sex, as “hot chicks”. Learn her name, and use it. She will appreciate it.

As for you bedding anything… Change your skid marked underwear, take her line dancing, and then drug her.

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- Dog

Hello. How do I cope with waiting until marriage for sex? I have received oral sex a few times, which only makes it harder for me.

It is impossible to find a woman who is willing to wait, until after marriage, before engaging in copulation. For me it is not about “morals”… I do not wish to lose my salvation through my Lord and saviour, Jesus Christ.

Although I repent for my past actions, if I were to engage in premarital sex, knowing I can repent, would that not make it “not repenting”? Being a follower of Christ is not a license to sin, just because I will be forgiven if I repent. I know he is helping me every step of the way, but sometimes I get saddened when I see a pretty girl, especially when the outfit she is wearing screams, “f**k me!” It is very frustrating!

Masturbation is also a sin, which makes it harder. I depend on the Lord; he has helped me through, but sometimes it gets me very worried. It is not even so much whether I can wait or not. It is knowing that there is not that much time left of life on this earth as we know it, and I don’t want to die a virgin if i can help it, although once I get to heaven, it will not matter.

Had I lived 100 years ago, it would definitely have been easier. Not being completely surrounded by evil forces would also help.

I know also that the end is near, which makes me worried because once judgement day comes, there is no turning back, and what has me more worried is that it will be happening VERY soon. I have thought about sinning to lose my virginity and then live a happy single life, but that would be sin as well.

Do you have any advice to give?

Yes, I do. Get laid! Pronto! Or make your own omelette, which ever is easier for you…

You are so backed up it’s affecting your brain functions. You will end up a giggling imbecile if you don’t get your rocks off soon!

Live a little!

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- Dog

My boyfriend of 8 months broke up with me, saying that he never “loved” me, and was only in it for the sex. He said he was bored with me and is moving on.

Now what? What am I supposed to do now?

I’m not sure what you mean by “supposed to do”?

Actually, it’s quite simple… You got screwed… so, you move on! Learn from it and try not to be a gullible moron next time.

You were with him for 8 months and not a single bell went off for you? You never figured that something was “strange” about him? Sheesh…

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- Dog

I can’t ask anyone else. What is anal illumination?

I have heard about anal illumination but I’m not sure what it does? It’s supposed to make things less painful, I think, but I can’t see how it will help as my boyfriend is kind of big.

Help!

You are as slow as G.W.B. or you have a horrible spell checker… Illumination/Lubrication? Eh?!

I guess it’s also possible that you are a spiritual person… I will go with the spiritual…

Anal “illumination” can be a number of things:

1. It’s a magical moment when the sun starts shining where it normally does not.
2. You accidentally sat down on a candle or flashlight.
3. A realization that it was all a horrible mistake.

If you really meant “lubrication”… Women are equipped with a magical self-lubricating box than can bring down kings and nations — even messengers of God!

The other option on the female physiology, is not self-lubricating — needing assistance to make things work smoother.

Anal lubrication = pot, alcohol or roofies… Joking!

Seriously, if you are this dumb, you deserve to walk like John Wayne in a Western… If you are willing to learn — talk to you friendly local pharmacist. He or she, will be able to help you on your way.

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- Dog

I’m an attractive female, 19. I’m in love with my best friend even though he’s openly gay. The thought of him having sex with another man drives me crazy with jealousy,

I think I could “convert” him, if I could just get him in bed. I’m into anything, and he would bed allowed to do whatever he likes with me.

Is it possible to ungay someone? Has it ever happened to anyone?

Ungay someone? Very funny…

No, one can’t just take a pitcher or receiver from the other team (midseason), and make them part of your team. It doesn’t work that way.

He’s committed to his team. He is committed to you as a friend…

Unless you magically grow a penis and a bigger brain — you are out of luck!

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- Dog

I’m one of the best-looking girls in school. Everyone says so. There’s this new guy in school and he is gorgeous, funny and athletic.

He looks at me a lot, but hasn’t tried any moves on me. I heard from some friends he likes this other girl. I’m arguably better looking than she is.

Do I tell him I like him? Or should I just come after you instead?

Don’t waste your energy on me… I prefer my women aged — preferably in my own dungeon.

You don’t really need to “proclaim” anything to him either… Just get drunk and give him an offer he can’t refuse. The offer should of course not include pants.

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- Dog

Do you ever get fed up with people asking stupid questions? You must have the patience of an angel, or do you use drugs and alcohol?

Another stupid question by another stupid person…

Being misguided doesn’t make you stupid… Being hormonal doesn’t make you stupid… Being slow-witted because you slipped and hit your head in your trailer, doesn’t make you stupid — it makes you mentally challenged.

I enjoy people. I just wish people would ask more questions, and pitch in on the forum of course.

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- Dog

I’m stationed in Iraq and I need to get laid. All the good-looking females on base have like 10 suitors, and have their pick. Can’t go there… However, we also have some nasty, butch skanks who work as mechanics and in the mess.

Would it be ok to go for a nasty chick just for the easy sex?

In your situation… Yes, of course it’s ok! You are doing it for your country!

“George W. Bush made me do it!” is a good enough excuse if you are ever embarrassingly caught with a monster.

War is hell.

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- Dog

I humbly apologize for accidentally deleting comments on posts/advice. I was cleaning (understatement of the century…) excess pharmaceutical-like spam (read: penile length, circumference, hardness, colour, taste, coolness, guitar-hero-ness and general availability-ness improvements; pills, drinks, ointments, rubs, and magic) in the data base, and accidentally wiped the whole (comments) table clean.

In addition, yes, I only noticed it when all was lost (on my other blogs too…) Again, I’m so very sorry for pending, and even sadder to say; already approved genuine comments. It was all great stuff! Again, there is also the forum: http://forum.askdog.com But there you have to play nice! There I will never allow anyone to be stepped on… Sorry!

It will NEVER happen again!

Post again when the mood strikes (good or bad) — I promise I won’t lose your comments again, whether you hate me, or enjoy the advice… it will be there (within reason of course!) At least think twice; what you read at Ask Dog is not personal… It’s just my opinion! Feel very free to ignore any and all things I write here.

- Dog

My husband keeps Playboy magazines in the house — in the bedroom closet of all places! We have been married for 16 years, and have two kids (14 and 13).

Shouldn’t these magazines be relegated to a box in the back of the garage by now?

I can’t believe he’s still spending money on that junk! My husband thinks I am overreacting of course…

What do you think about his Playboy magazines?

I agree with you. There’s no place for Playboy magazines in this day and age. He spending money purchasing them is stupid. These magazines don’t need to be in the bedroom closet or in the garage — we now have The Internet!

Imagery of naked women should now be (poorly) hidden on his computer. If he doesn’t know how to Google for porn, ask one your teenagers to show him. It will be cheaper.

Guys will look at women, one way or another. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, or fear that you will cut him off from sex at any moment. However, spending money to see naked women is so pre-1990s.

Show him to the computer, and ask him to save the money and buy you some high-end scrap booking materials instead.

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- Dog